I think my relationship is falling apart

[Preoccupied]

I suspect that my partner is going to leave me soon and it is tearing me apart. I am completely anxious and preoccupied about it and it is impacting everything at the moment. I am not sleeping, I am anxious and tearful and I know I am driving my partner mad by seeking reassurance that he still loves me but I can't seem to help it.

We have been together for three years and lived together for two years, and we are both quite strong characters, which at times means that we disagree about things. I like to talk things through, but he prefers to think things through on his own and reach his own decision. We have had some lovely times though and there is no doubt that we love each other deeply and have an incredibly strong attachment to each other. I know that our relationship can be complex, but we have always managed to get through any difficult patches in the past.

I have been getting very hormonal (menopause) and this has been causing me to get very emotional and anxious, and at times I have flared up about things in quite an unpleasant manner. I am usually a very calm and kind person and I am finding these mood swings very distressing. I have made an appointment to discuss HRT with my GP after much soul searching. But I am scared that it is too late to save my relationship as my partner has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically after an argument last week.

I am feeling quite desperate as the thought of being without him is unbearable. I know that I can't make him stay with me but my life will be so empty without him.

Nice people who are natural caretakers are often particularly appealing to these types. When you say he is trying to retrain in a new field , what does that mean ? Is he actually retraining or was he going to and he hasn't got round to it ? I notice you have a particularly way of phrasing things , ie , he had to give up work as he was unhappy in his job. He didn't have to , he chose to and presumably you've been supporting him ?

I fear you are dealing with someone who is disordered. He's emotionally abusive , financially abusive , and I suspect that's the tip of the iceberg. What do your children think of him ?

FFS stop bailing him out and let him spend his own money for a change...finishing a novel? landscape gardening? While you pick up the tab...and he's still threatening to leave...?

Oh lovely. You can agonise and obsess over the details for the rest of your life if you want to. It will make you absolutely miserable but you can stay with him and have all these internal conversations with yourself, feel suicidal, drag yourself back, build yourself up only to have him undermine you time and time again....

It really is your choice. You have all the information you need already. You need to ask him to leave. You need to be brave.

He gave up work to write a fucking novel?????

He is financially abusive Op. Consider the mortgage and outgoings on your house and whether a bit of diy equals that out. No wonder he's got 45k in savings !!!

I am willing to bet he has no intention of leaving. He has no outgoings and gets to hoard his cash to himself like scrooge. I would test this theory by telling him to fuck off out next time he ponders leaving. Who does he think he is ?

Abusers and the disordered score low on empathy , in fact it is a well known trait of theirs. Also consider whether the anxiety is real , did he ever get help for it ? Or did he dump it into your lap and make it your problem ?

Lovingfreedom I have been stricter this time around and have not gone out and bought all the food, or paid for the online food shop, like I did last time he gave up work, as I did feel used. I have also come home from work at times with just some salad for me, without asking him if he needed anything, on the basis that there is a massive Sainsburys at the end of our road and if he ran out of something he could easily walk down there any get it himself!

We do sometimes struggle to discuss money, as early on when he first moved in we had a massive row when I asked him to pay something towards housing costs. He told me that he was not 'subsidising' my mortgage as the house was my investment. When I pointed out that he was saving money as he was no longer paying any rent he accused me of trying to get him to subsidise my mortgage by the back door. It got very distressing but eventually we did agree that he would pay half of all the bills, excluding the mortgage, which I pay. I also pay all car-related expenditure, but if we drive to visit his family (quite a long way away) I do ask him to pay for the petrol. He initially made a sarcastic comment when I first asked, saying 'what a romantic couple we are', but I stood my ground and he paid up.

The trouble is saying everything's fine "except the control issues" is a bit like saying "everything's fine except he hits me". It's pretty fundamental to a relationship that both people want to be there and don't repeatedly try to make the other person insecure.

I don't know him but I dislike him more every time you post. He has a very one-sided view of life.

He moved into your house and argued because he was expected to contribute ? That really does sum it all up . With his severe sense of entitlement , severe lack of empathy and other issues I wonder if you are dealing with someone who is npd.

He sounds like a nasty dog your trying to train.

"Oh, and another stock phrase of his is that he is content with the way that he is, and doesn't intend to change. He then adds that if that means that he is not able to have relationships, then it is a price worth paying to be true to himself."

I've heard a few chestnuts in my time but that beats all He's telling you he's a shit, will always be a shit and feels that he owes it to himself to be a shit. Of course he has no empathy, he is a fish of the dead and cold variety.

What is NPD? He does have Aspergers, I am sure, and his anxiety and depression are definitely real. I do feel a bit manipulated, but of course I have been posting all the negative things on this thread as things between us are not good at the moment. I admit that I am scared of being alone now, as he has tapped into my fear of abandonment, either deliberately or by chance, and it has become a pattern in our relationship. The problem is that despite having had psychotherapy, I still haven't nailed it and each time we get like this I fall apart and have panic attacks.

I do sympathise with you. After my ex Cocklodger failed to finish his best selling novel he then had to abandon his landscape gardening career due to 'housemaid's knee' and joints that would not work in wet weather (we lived in west coast of Scotland at the time)...after a brief period attempting to forge a career as a script-writer and tv presenter, he is now embarking on his life calling as an artist (thankfully bank rolled by his parents and his new woman). I'm not joking or making any of this up. Your post resonated with me because I supported all this nonsense too for 15 years! That's my life not yours so I mustn't project too much. Apologies if I have. And good luck. You sound like a lovely and resourceful woman. X

He is playing on all your insecurities, really, and inventing new ones for you, such as your being the older partner.

I'd ask him to go before he starts to feel legally entitled to a share in your equity, claiming he spent money or gave up his time to improve its value. In fact you should nip that one in the bud by keeping receipts (I assume you are paying for the decorating materials).

I am so sorry but like the others have said, he sounds very bad for you.

If you have a thorn stuck in your finger no amount of psychotherapy is going to stop it hurting. Sorry.

This And you can discuss how the thorn got there, whether or not the thorn means to be hurtful etc, for the rest of your life if you want to.

But it would be best to just remove the thorn.

Limerunner I did wonder about any claim on the equity as he does keep saying that the work he has done on the house has improved its value, but he then follows by saying that this is his contribution to the housing costs and the household. He has made me feel old at times (I am eight years older than him) but actually having seen a few photos of his only other partners (he has had very few) I think I look pretty damn good for my age!

thenarcissisticlife.com/are-you-in-a-relationship-with-a-narcissistic-man/

Op there is a type of person who will happily fake anxiety or depression to manipulate others for their own purpose. Did he ever seek help ? In his case being depressed has worked well for him , now he gets to live cost free at your place. Lots of people have aspergers it doesnt make them abusive or exploitive .

While you continue to play the please don't leave me game , he will continue to play the I might leave game. Take back your power , it is him in the weak position here , not you.

I was wondering if he has any friends or what his relationship is like with his family , but I can take a guess.

Seriously - the more you write the worse it gets.
He sounds just awful.

Please try to read your threads as though you are reading it as the mother of your DC!!!

What would your advice be?
I can assure you right now, as a mother to a DD, you would be telling her to get the hell away and fast.

This is NOT healthy for any of you.
Kick him out. He is not doing you or your health any favours at all.

I'm sure you will feel so much better with this leech out of your life.
It may not feel like it right now but just give it a go!

badbalding he has made no friends in the three years he has been living in London and has maybe one friend in his home town who is also a depressive recluse and they see each other maybe once every few years. He did have some counselling many years ago and he tried to get help with his Aspergers last year but the NHS could not provide him with anything specific. He was offered some counselling but said he had no faith in the NHS in our area and wanted something tailored to AS rather than general counselling.

One thing that he always throws in my face is that his little brother died aged 14 months when he was 10, and that this has made him cynical and stops him getting close to people. He blames this for a lot of his problems, and often says to me that having a sibling die like that (he had a heart problem and died in hospital) has made him cynical and pessimistic and stopped him from forming many close attachments in his life.

Then he didn't try to get counselling , he simply made a show of looking like he was I think. The comments about having no faith in it displays arrogance , and indicates he thinks he knows better than qualified professional's. I think you afford him motivations that he does not necessarily have . Just because he said he wanted counselling didn't mean he did. When the opportunity came up he declined.

The story about the sibling , very sad , but not necessary a reason for him being the way he is . Many people suffer loss . I suspect it's a convenient excuse he tells himself to justify how he treats people.

Really , the whys as to why he's like this don't really matter. It's not ok . The issue now , I think is about what you will and won't put up with and asserting boundrys with him. He sounds extremely unhealthy.

hellsbells I agree that if one of my daughters was in a relationship like this I would tell them to run for the hills. But I end up falling back on the whole 'two sides to every story' argument when it comes to me. I know that I am a pleaser to some extent, although in many ways I am assertive in the relationship, so for example I am sexually confident and not able to be manipulated into doing anything I don't want to do, nor am I afraid to ask for what I want (in a nice way of course!)

Take your own advice...you deserve it. You sound great, you've been taken for a ride by this loser but you'll come through it.

Badbalding you have made a very good point about not trying to guess why he is the way he is. I do like to try to 'fix' people as it is in my nature to be caring, and frankly he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. It is very sad that his baby brother died, but it is not my fault and he shouldn't use it against me. To be fair he hasn't mentioned it in a while, so I probably exaggerated in my earlier post as I was on a roll. It did feel quite liberating to have a bit of a rant as I feel I can't talk to anyone in RL about this as everyone thinks that I am a 'coper' and would be shocked to discover that I have been feeling like this. And I know that if I told my daughters, it would be the end of the relationship as they would come round and throw him out - they are fiercely protective of me, something that he funds difficult to deal with.

finds difficult to deal with! Freudian slip as funds are not flowing from him at the moment!

FWIW he has no claim on the equity in your home because you are not related by marriage, he is not on the deeds as a co-owner and his status is therefore no better than a (non-paying) lodger. Any painting or gardening he does would be regarded as in lieu of rent.

And I don't wish to sound like Hard-Hearted Hannah but harking back to a bereavement from his childhood to excuse his 'I owe it to myself to be a cold fish' attitude is just ridiculous.

It's bad enough that he plays on your insecurities by threatening to leave every so often. I think it's even more worrying that he seems to be using his real or imagined medical/MH issues to ramp up the guilt-tripping.

I wonder.... is your work in any way related to medical matters? How did you meet him?

Well then - I suggest you tell your daughters immediately!