This relationship cannot end in marriage, but what will the family think?

[SilverMoonPickup]

Been engaged for 2 months. Supposed to be getting married next July but all we do is argue. Deep down we're probably not suited to one another and I think as time goes on we're liking each other less and less - although this only comes out in an argument.

We had a massive argument on Saturday regarding taking each others phone off charge to charge up our own (seriously) and a host of other non-issues that screamed out "we're simply not getting on."

He's older than me and is a 'boss' at work and I think he likes to bring that role home with him (although he says this is not true and I imagine that he's controlling). I can't really have an opinion on anything without him saying "I've done all this before so I know what I'm talking about, you don't!". This stretches from the mortgage to the refurbishing of the bathroom to laying the laminate flooring last night - anything I say is met with "you forget I've done all this before!". I'll just shut up then and play the good little wife in the corner shall I?

God it's so frustrating. I dread the planning of anything because it's always met with sarcasm or a superior voice. I've restarted working full time since October and last week received another paycheck with a stupid amount of money taken off for tax, NI and pension. I had a little moan and he laughs and shouts "welcome to the world of work!" how patronising!! I have worked before you know! I'm entitled to a moan now and again, doesn't mean I don't understand how economics work. We're going to a festival in July, I was looking up various things to take and he's stood behind me saying "nope, that's no good. No, you don't want that. No, I can find something better than that, remember I've done this festival many times before, I know what I'm on about." Oh fuck off with it all then.

Holidays are the same.

My poor rabbit is stuck in a hutch outside on her own because everytime I look into buying her a big hutch and introducing another friend for her he says "no that hutch is crap, I could make a miles better one." well do it then!!!!

I needed new shoes for work, my feet are killing and I told him I was going to buy some work crocs. as recommended. He says "no they're so expensive! I can find you some cheaper, leave it with me!" - a month later - "I need those shoes?" "yep, I'm on it, leave it with me". 3 months later "you found those shoes yet?" "damn just got outbidded by 20p, leave it with me." just let me buy the fucking shoes???!!! 6 months later, my feet are a mess and I buy the shoes myself. A whole £15 more than he wanted to pay. £15 for 6 months of uncomfortable shoes.

Don't get me wrong, I have many faults too but I'm sure there are people out there we're both better suited to. I want to be with someone who views me as an equal, someone I can make joint decisions with and not worry about what subjects I bring up incase it causes an argument. I know we won't get married and if we do it will be to please everyone else. I also know we'll stay together for a couple of years because 50% of the time we're great together so I just feel like I'm in limbo. Part of me wants to hang on to it for a couple of more years because despite everything, I would miss him but another part of me wants to just leave and get out of it now. It's so stressful living here.

So, in actual fact he's wrong as a wrong thing a lot of the time but won't admit to it, won't say sorry and insists that you are the one who is wrong?

Why are you delaying? Do yourself and your child a favour.

He is what is technically known as a fucking twat. If you want more of his fucking twatness then get married to him. Otherwise, start planning to leave.

You have become conditioned over time as well to accepting his abuse of you. Abuse like this as well is insidious in its onset; he likely could not do enough for you in the very early days and you were flattered to receive such attentions. That is also how they sucker victims in; they also look for outwardly confident women who have shaky self worth to manipulate and use to their own ends.

The laminate flooring is symbolic of your whole relationship. There is also a saying, "mean with money, mean with love". He cares not for anyone but his own self.

If you stay within this, he will completely destroy you and your children unfortunate enough to be witness to all this as well.

You say you can't see abuse. Try having a look here:

outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/EmotionalAbuse.html

Exactly what loispuddunglane says. Exactly that. It is that simple.

Dh and I occasionally have stupid arguments similar to yours over the phone charger, except more evenly matched ie both of us are being selfish. This tends to happen when we're massively sleep deprived or exhausted... We have two small children. The fact that he is treating you like this when you are engaged and supposed to madly in love with no real stressors is worrying. What's he going to do when things get tough? Blame it all on you?

We never have arguments over the phone charger. If one of us is going out sooner then they get priority otherwise we wait until the other's is fully charge [or at 90%] and then swap them over. He is making sure you are to blame for everything wrong in the world. How is this ever going to turn into a successful fulfilling relationship?

Also - there IS no one way to do ANYTHING. There are always options and anyone who refuses to let another human have an opinion and berates them when they dare to voice it is at best, a megalomaniac and at worst, abusive.

SilverMoonPickup if you do love him and choose to stay with him do you think you would need to have more fire in you and do you think you would need to stand your ground more in arguments and win them ?

@TheVictorian... bullies should always be stood up to but who wants to waste a perfectly good life in a constant state of aggravation? That's not a relationship.

Cogito I agree, but if she does leave him and finds someone else how likely do you think that the guy could be different from the guy shes with ?

I wouldn't spend another minute analysing why he does things, who's in the wrong, if he's EA....

You clearly think he's a dick (which he is) so don't waste any more time on him. It isn't a dress rehearsal.

If your family think he's so bloody hilarious then they can marry him.

"Cogito I agree, but if she does leave him and finds someone else how likely do you think that the guy could be different from the guy shes with "

I fail to see why meeting some future person that doesn't even exist should prevent her from acting to improve her life now Is that how you live your life ... hamstrung by stuff that hasn't even happened yet?

I don't think the OP needs to change anything about herself right now except who she is living with.

I totally agree with Finney2 - don't even bother analysing his behaviour - he's an arse. I wasted two years of my life with one of these men, there is no point even trying to argue back. I just walked away one day when i realised on holiday and in the middle of him being a knob that I felt like pushing him off a cliff (no kidding). The relief was enormous (I didn't push him ). Oh and he was a "lovely" guy too who I had seen a future with.

From a blokes viewpoint, and it's exactly the same as everybody's else's viewpoint.

Every poster on here has said the same. He's a twat and will always be a twat. He is abusive, a gas-lighter and he certainly doesn't value you. He should be bending over backwards for you. You've been engaged for two months and this is how it is?
The phone incident? Even if there had only been one charger any decent person would have discussed the problem, not just thought their needs over-rode the other person's.
AF, SGB et al will all tell you the same. RED Flags are not only staring you in the face, they're smacking you with warnings!!
I wouldn't give any family concerns a second though, they don't have to live with his twat-ism day and night.
More importantly, he's controlling you already, is this what you want to subject your child to? Because if you marry him then that's the future. Do you want to look back in a few years with regret?
Stop walking on egg-shells, live a life and enjoy the happiness that your child will have away from this piece of crap.

Well yes so what if he's abusive? He's a horrible person who makes you feel like shit. Being with him is entirely optional. So why choose misery? It makes no sense.

On the subject of "winning" arguments. Relationships aren't a competition to see who can triumph over the other by out-talking them. Partners should be willing to see each others' point of view and try to reach a compromise, not try to beat each other down to get the upper hand.

"Cogito I agree, but if she does leave him and finds someone else how likely do you think that the guy could be different from the guy shes with "

Why would you think the next person would be a twat as well? I'm a bloke and I like to think I would never treat a lady like this twat is. I know you read about idiots like him a lot on MN but hopefully the normal ones outnumber the bullies

Life isn't a dress rehearsal, as they say. You only get one shot. At least you're entitled to enjoy it.

"you were trying to assert your authority by unplugging my phone and plugging yours in. "

Is not that what HE was doing when he unplugged yours first?

He is abusive. Domestic abuse is emotional abuse also, not just physical.

It is interesting how he is controlling you by saying you should not do something, he should, and then he never does. Like the floor. The hutch, the shoes. He quite likes to keep you frustrated, does he now?

You have relinquished control of your home (the flooring, the bathroom), the holiday (festival), your pets comfort (the hutch) and your own body (the shoes), on his saying he knows better, but in actual fact he is as incompetent as a bottle with fish.

For your own well-being, and that of your children, this relationship should end.

At some point, you have to take some responsibility for the choices you make in life. Otherwise it will just be more of the same.

The shoes, the rabbit hutch, the phone charger, the having to pay tax and national insurance, the arguments -these are symptoms of a not very good relationship.

Its so easy now to cry "abuse", especially when its against a man (and I'm not a man) but moving on, proactively, is when it becomes your choice and one which you have to be responsible for. Why are you staying, if you get nothing out of it?

Cogito & ineed I agree my point may have been a bit biased, what i meant was would the op through being more assertive and standing her ground and also attempting to improve her current relationship be better in the long run, as the phrase "better the devil you know". As she could leave him, but if she does and say for argument sake she meets a new guy. Yes he may be lovely but he could also end up being the same or worse as her current partner, so before she leaves her current partner would she at least be in a better position first of trying to fix things with him then if that fails she should leave him ?

Better the devil you know just means you end up with a devil. Stupid saying. No she emphatically wouldn't be in a better position trying to fix things with an abusive man.

Victorian you do realise relationships aren't compulsory? That she can stay single if she wants?

Cailin True but in the ops words:

"I want to be with someone who views me as an equal, someone I can make joint decisions with and not worry about what subjects I bring up incase it causes an argument"

Based on that quote, even if the op splits from her current partner she will likely find another partner.

The OP has already written the job spec for the type of person she would next entertain as a long-term partner. She may swear off dating completely, never meet someone or she could bump into them tomorrow. Either way I think she has already raised the bar and, as a result, won't tolerate crappy treatment again.