This relationship cannot end in marriage, but what will the family think?

[SilverMoonPickup]

Been engaged for 2 months. Supposed to be getting married next July but all we do is argue. Deep down we're probably not suited to one another and I think as time goes on we're liking each other less and less - although this only comes out in an argument.

We had a massive argument on Saturday regarding taking each others phone off charge to charge up our own (seriously) and a host of other non-issues that screamed out "we're simply not getting on."

He's older than me and is a 'boss' at work and I think he likes to bring that role home with him (although he says this is not true and I imagine that he's controlling). I can't really have an opinion on anything without him saying "I've done all this before so I know what I'm talking about, you don't!". This stretches from the mortgage to the refurbishing of the bathroom to laying the laminate flooring last night - anything I say is met with "you forget I've done all this before!". I'll just shut up then and play the good little wife in the corner shall I?

God it's so frustrating. I dread the planning of anything because it's always met with sarcasm or a superior voice. I've restarted working full time since October and last week received another paycheck with a stupid amount of money taken off for tax, NI and pension. I had a little moan and he laughs and shouts "welcome to the world of work!" how patronising!! I have worked before you know! I'm entitled to a moan now and again, doesn't mean I don't understand how economics work. We're going to a festival in July, I was looking up various things to take and he's stood behind me saying "nope, that's no good. No, you don't want that. No, I can find something better than that, remember I've done this festival many times before, I know what I'm on about." Oh fuck off with it all then.

Holidays are the same.

My poor rabbit is stuck in a hutch outside on her own because everytime I look into buying her a big hutch and introducing another friend for her he says "no that hutch is crap, I could make a miles better one." well do it then!!!!

I needed new shoes for work, my feet are killing and I told him I was going to buy some work crocs. as recommended. He says "no they're so expensive! I can find you some cheaper, leave it with me!" - a month later - "I need those shoes?" "yep, I'm on it, leave it with me". 3 months later "you found those shoes yet?" "damn just got outbidded by 20p, leave it with me." just let me buy the fucking shoes???!!! 6 months later, my feet are a mess and I buy the shoes myself. A whole £15 more than he wanted to pay. £15 for 6 months of uncomfortable shoes.

Don't get me wrong, I have many faults too but I'm sure there are people out there we're both better suited to. I want to be with someone who views me as an equal, someone I can make joint decisions with and not worry about what subjects I bring up incase it causes an argument. I know we won't get married and if we do it will be to please everyone else. I also know we'll stay together for a couple of years because 50% of the time we're great together so I just feel like I'm in limbo. Part of me wants to hang on to it for a couple of more years because despite everything, I would miss him but another part of me wants to just leave and get out of it now. It's so stressful living here.

Question: which is better

1. A person knows a better method of doing a task and says so without listening to the other persons point of view and is then proven correct that the suggested method was correct.

2. A person listens to the other persons ideas, tries their idea (even though the other person knows the correct way) and then offers their idea (without the "i told you so")

Which would you say is better and why ?

SilverMoonPickup Do you love him?

2 is better because it shows a respect for the other person's opinions, it shows that their opinions are valued, even if they do turn out to be wrong.

The abuse is staring you in the face in the shape of this man. Abuse does not just have to be physical; your man is controlling and controlling behaviour is in itself abusive. He also belittles you and thinks of your own worth as a person as nothing more than a bunch of wilted flowers.

What does he do for you and the children exactly; he seems to only care about getting his own needs met here. He is secretive and wishes to keep you out of any financial dealings here.

You have a choice ultimately re this man; your children do not. And this person would also be an appalling example of a stepfather to them if you were stupid enough to actually marry him.

You chose this man poorly but you do not have to compound your errors to date re him by remaining within this at all.

GET OUT and GET OUT NOW.

Is that clear enough? Seriously, PLEASE. Do not waste any more time and get out as soon as you possibly can.

Silver - your partner clearly has no respect for your opinions & he's manipulative. I read your other thread about your DS, he also has no respect for you & is manipulating you (by his poor behaviour). I bet your son's behaviour would improve if he didn't have this man in his life as a male role model.

And btw, just because your partner isn't hitting you, doesn't mean he isn't abusive. My XP was dreadful to me, I was at times, terrified of him, but he never actually hit me. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this, do you think he will act better? If so, what do you think will change to make him alter his behaviour.

Please don't marry him.This sounds like my husband who only revealed himself after we married.I think you have worst to come as he's still on 'reasonably' good behaviour.

You can't fix this, he is in a power struggle with you, he doesn't want equality or compromise.The phone incident isn't trivial its a symptom of his mindset.You don't get to stand up to him, if you do he will escalate the row, deflect and call you controlling.He is projecting as he is controlling and selfish.

I totally understand why you feel the way you do, you have the sense that something isn't right but he's skilled at making it all your fault.I guess you own a place together so its not straight forward but do start thinking of how you can exit.

You don't seem happy, your instinct is telling you that he does not value you as an equal and I don't believe you can have a healthy relationship with someone if this is the case.

You know that this isn't working.
You know that relationships aren't supposed to be like this.
You know that it's going to end badly.

Trust yourself. Trust all the things in the back of your head that are screaming at you not to go on living like this, not to go on putting your son through this.

We can't get inside your head and shout. But we can tell you that those concerns, those fears, are your real self fighting to get out from under the weight of apathy that is stifling you.

The other, weedy little voice that says 'It's not so bad' is just you trying to convince yourself, because it is hard to stand up and say 'No more'. But you know you have to do it, don't you?

You know, it's good to get all this out here and for that I am truely grateful. It's hard to get someone else to understand when you don't fully understand yourself. Everytime we argue he manages to make me 'realise' it was all my fault and I feel so confused. I sit there and try and work out what happened and I can't. Like the phone thing - basically my phone was sat there charging up, almost dead. He came in and said he needed to charge his phone up. I said "my phone is charging here, there is a spare charger upstairs." He waits until I leave the room and unplugs my phone and starts charging his. I get angry when I realise and swap them back. From this he determines that I am selfish, stubborn, controlling and trying to engage in a power struggle. Now I thought long and hard about this and I still come to the conclusion that had it been the other way around, I would have seen his phone charging and I would have gone upstairs to get the other charger for my phone. So why did I end up apologising to him and agreeing that my behaviour was shit??? I'm so confused because when I really, really think about it, I did nothing wrong!! but now a little voice is pushing itself out of me all the time saying "it probably was your fault, he's just explained why you were in the wrong and you can't think of the words to argue with him so you must be wrong."

Being 'right' is over rated. What matters here is not that he's proved right or managed to prove you wrong...these are petty matters and you are consistently feeling bad, guilty and confused. It's not the accepting, loving base that makes for a happy relationship.

From what you have said I actually feel like coming to your house and telling him to fuck off myself

He does not really do anything for you and your children either does he?. He is purely out to get his own needs met.

Abusive men are always adept at making what they have done out to be the other persons's fault. This is normal modus operandi for such people and such abusers do tie their victims up in emotional knots. What do you describe of him is precisely how abusive men operate. He's projecting as well:-

Re your comment:-
"From this he determines that I am selfish, stubborn, controlling and trying to engage in a power struggle".

A classic example of projection right there, he is really describing his own self here.

Was your ex very similar in nature btw?.

You cannot stay within this and your children won't thank you for doing so either. What ultimately are you going to do?

What I used to do with my ex is ask myself what EVERY other person I knew would have done. For example: in your case of the charger- what would every other person done?? Come in, seen it was already being used, gone upstairs and used the spare charger instead. Who takes off a phone on charge unless its finished???

If you think about what is 'normal' it helps you to realise it wally isn't you.

• it really isn't you...

What an insufferable, controlling, know-it-all he is! It sounds like he just loves having a younger woman around so that he can boss you about and lord his superior knowledge over you. Oh, OP, please get out of this relationship before he drives you completely mad and before he puts a huge dent in your self-confidence.

And please don't worry about what your family will think regarding cancelling the wedding. It's FAR better to do this than to go through with the marriage and then separate a short time after. People will understand - and the earlier you do it, the less you will inconvenience them in terms of travel etc.

"I'm so confused because when I really, really think about it, I did nothing wrong!! "

There are any number of old threads on the subject of 'emotional abuse' on this board and you wouldn't have to read too many to realise that you're being subjected to it.

Men like this thrive on creating doubt and confusion in their victim. Keeping you on the back foot, worried about speaking out, making you feel like you're at fault. As Atilla points out, turning their own worst characteristics back on a victim is so common it's almost a cliché. Guarantee that, if you told him to sling his hook, you'd get a lavish performance promising reform, contrition, undying love etc. It's all very predictable.

Gah, just because he doesn't knock you about does not mean he is not abusive. If it bothered you enough to post on here then there is a problem.
Please make your plans and leave/get him out.

Because he needs to be in control he sees any act of yours that shows any independence whatsoever as 'trying to engage in a power struggle' or challenging his authority.

He has chosen you as a partner because he can see he can manipulate and bamboozle you. Any woman who bought her own shoes or went her own way - he couldn't cope with.

He is a man who, however he appears to the outside world, is very imbalanced within himself and his way of dealing with whatever is not right within is to control you. The obsessive need to be right about everything indicates he is very insecure. He does not see this as an equal relationship, nor will he ever, because that would be too threatening to him. His sense of self is predicated on bullying and abusing you. The only thing you can do with a man like that is leave.

I couldn't work for your dp, let alone live with him! It sounds unbearable.

A strange reference but I am from the dog training world. He is a Cesar Milan. A bully and abuser looking for conflict where none exists and pursuing what he wants with force and an obsession with power rather than the much easier route of collaboration, respect and compromise.

Honestly he sounds like the sort of person I'd end up making snide remarks to after a few minutes in the pub as strangers. I try to be a pleasant person but people like your dp I can't tolerate.

And you and your kids shouldn't have to tolerate him either. Ugh!

Silver the situation with the phone, based on what you said why do you think it was your fault with regards to the comments he said ?

I know I could go out and buy the shoes/hutch etc if I wanted to. I just wouldn't because of the shit storm it would create

There is the abuse, right there.

Please get yourself out of this OP. you deserve better.

Get rid of this tube. Fuck what anyone else thinks - it's none of their business and they don't have all the data anyway.

Please, please, please, get rid off him. I married a man like that, because of exactly what would family say. I was emotionally abused for 8 years - I finally broke free a year and a half ago and finally I breathe.

The family still tells me to go back to him - my mother tells me she cannot comprehend my action (but then again, she chose to stay in an abusive relationship so there!) but even if I have to live under a bridge, I would rather that. The freedom I now feel and have is fab!

Don't marry him. Your family is not the one being subjected to shit. And yes, they will tell you he's great, so bloody what? YOU say he's not great and that's what matters.

Please leave him now, I beg of you x

See with the laminate flooring - for ages we've had half of the hallway done because he insisted on buying second hand stuff off ebay and then when he brought it home, there wasn't enough. I've been saying for ages can we just not go and buy some new stuff?? he says no, no point when you can get it cheap off ebay. So last week he won a load of shit for £1. ONE pound. Brought it home, it stinks of cat piss, it's filthy, most of the pieces are knackered and there probably won't be enough again. So last night he's banging away at it and finally says "fuck this, maybe we should just buy new stuff?" I said "but that's what I've been saying all along!" and he says "but what's the point when this only cost us £1?" --- ??????? so I say well we couldn't afford it this month anyway as we're already in the overdraft and have a car MOT coming up and I don't want a hallway with no flooring for the next 6 months." so he carries on with the flooring and decides it's me that wanted the shit flooring. It seems he delibrately waits for the worst month possible financially to suggest we buy new stuff so it's me having to say "no, we can't afford it." proving him right yet again.

Victorian - with the phone I honestly dont know. It seems like a petty thing to concentrate on but it's symbolic of the whole relationship. I don't think I was in the wrong but I can guarantee that if I spoke to him for 10 minutes I'd be convinced that I was.