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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant but DH doesnt want another child, scared marriage will suffer.

74 replies

TheWildOnes · 29/03/2014 07:16

We didnt think it was possible to get pregnant again, already have DD 10 and DS 6. DH says we dont have room, we only have a 3 bedroom house. The timing isnt great, we both thought we were done with babies, which I agree with. But now that it has happened I want this baby, I misscarried a couple of years ago and this is bringing a lot back for me.
I love my DH, I want us to be happy, but there is no good outcome of this, whatever happens one of us will be unhappy, this could even end our marriage. I have noone to talk to irl, I dont know what to do, I feel like my world is breaking in two.

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 29/03/2014 07:18

So sorry to hear this. It sounds as if you haven't known for long, so neither of you has really had time to think.

Just remember, you have time to make a decision - nothing needs to be decided for a few weeks. Take time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/03/2014 07:19

How long since you've known you were pregnant and how long has the 'we don't have room' objection been going? If this has all happened in the space of a few days, it may be just a knee-jerk shock reaction. If this has been going on for much longer, your DH needs to get over himself fast.

Original poster

TheWildOnes · 29/03/2014 07:23

We found out last Sunday, we have discussed it a little bit but everytime we talk about it I break down, I don't want to guilt trip him into accepting this, it is so awkward at home now, we are finding it hard to have a normal conversation.
I am feeling so sorry for myself, its been a tough few years with family losses, money worries, illness and past miscarriage, I feel like im being punished, I just want our family to be happy.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheWildOnes · 29/03/2014 07:29

Cogito we only discussed it properly yesterday, I wanted to leave it a few days to soak in (and confirm it multiple times). He sees it as we need to make all these changes straight away whereas I see it as we have time and the DCs will have to share temporarily until we can afford to convert the attic. He says we need a bigger car but I disagree as we no longer need 3 car seats as DD is tall enough to not need one.
It is only very early days so maybe he will change his mind, I feel bad because im really not prepared to think about what he wants.

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 29/03/2014 07:29

Can I ask why you both thought you couldn't get pregnant?

Inkspellme · 29/03/2014 07:30

You sound like you're in shock. I don't blame you. But it's not as though you planned to get pregnant despite your husbands wishes. It was an accident that both of you made happen so it simply won't be reasonable for him to blame you. No doubt he will be not be happy but that doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage nor does it have to be his permanent reaction to a new son or daughter.

What contraception were you using? What was his reaction when you were pregnant before the miscarriage? Why did you think you couldn't get pregnant? You've just done it twice in two years.

maleview70 · 29/03/2014 07:41

Wouldn't the snip have been a good solution for him after having two and not wanting anymore.

I am sure he will come round in time.

Early days yet.

Offred · 29/03/2014 07:46

Yes, don't take blame for this. He could have had snip if it was such a disaster to him.

Take care of yourself.

Why do you have to convert the attic? Can't the dc share? I have four who share - girls together and boys in bunk beds. There are advantages and disadvantages just like with them having their own rooms.

mammadiggingdeep · 29/03/2014 07:51

I know it all seems too much now but really...would he really not go ahead for logistics, shared bedrooms and took my car seats etc??

I think this is a matter of time. You're pregnant, it's happened...hopefully he will come round. Keep talking about it, I think that's the key.

mammadiggingdeep · 29/03/2014 07:52

too many car seats...

Original poster

TheWildOnes · 29/03/2014 07:52

We didnt think it was possible due to various health problems,and for a long time I wasnt ovulating.
I had suggested the snip to him numerous times, he didnt want to do it.
He has gone to work now, ill have to try talk to him again tonight.
Thanks everyone, I got myself in a bit of a state earlier, I must try to stop feeling so sorry for myself.

OP posts:

Offred · 29/03/2014 07:54

It's perfectly ok to feel sorry for yourself in this situation!

Even worse for him to be such a baby about it if he didn't want the snip. Not sure what he thought would happen!

Offred · 29/03/2014 07:55

It may have been improbable but even with contraception is not impossible.

BalloonSlayer · 29/03/2014 07:59

Is he suggesting you get the pregnancy terminated, or just sulking because there is another baby on the way?

DH and I were in a similar position to you, neither of us would have countenanced a termination for personal reasons, but fuck! did he make my pregnancy a misery with his moaning about all the same things - new car, need another bedroom, "I'm going to have to work till I'm xxx" etc. I ended up being seen for antenatal depression. To be fair, DH does not have a lot of close friends, and he said that I was the only person he could talk about his feelings with.

Fast forward 6 years and DC3 is the light of his life of course, and was as soon as he was born. We got a new car, another bedroom etc. Most people change their cars from time to time anyway.

Original poster

TheWildOnes · 29/03/2014 08:00

The bigger car and house thing is not an issue for me. I know he is trying to think sensibly. He thinks it wont be fair if we have a young child sharing with 10 year old DD. Im quite happy to save to convert the attic, my dad is able to do all the work so only need to be materials cost.
Maybe there is something more important he is worried about, think we need to keep talking.

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Original poster

TheWildOnes · 29/03/2014 08:02

I think he wants me to consider it Balloonslayer. I just cant.

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Brabra · 29/03/2014 08:10

How did you get pregnant twice in as many years if you didn't want to be? Weren't you using contraception?

Orangeisthenewbanana · 29/03/2014 08:13

If he really didn't want another baby, he should have been a bit more proactive about discussing and/or dealing with contraception. So sorry that you're getting the impression he now wants you to consider termination. You're right, keep channels of communication open and give it a little bit longer for him to process things. Perhaps look into counselling for the 2 of you?

Original poster

TheWildOnes · 29/03/2014 08:14

The last pregnancy was planned, sorry didnt make that clear.

OP posts:

Lweji · 29/03/2014 08:20

If there's a will, there's a way.
You can find solutions for the sharing problem (and sharing is ok, actually).

The main thing is that you have to want the baby, if not, then it will all be difficult.

I know you don't want to guilt trip him, but it seems that he is trying to do it to you.

Decide what you think is best for yourself, first and foremost. If he really didn't want more children he should have been more careful.
And you will resent him if you do abort it because of him. I don't think the relationship will have much future either in that case.

Brabra · 29/03/2014 08:20

So what has changed in his eyes regarding this pregnancy? Presumably you still had a three bedroom house then as well? So why was there room then and not now?

iggy155 · 29/03/2014 08:20

Didn't want to read and run. You say the last pregancy that resulted in your miscarriage was planned? So at one point DH wanted a third child. Could he be scared of you miscarrying again?

Booboostoo · 29/03/2014 08:20

If the recent MC was as a result of a planned pregnancy do you think this could be what is causing your DP unhappiness? I am sure the MC affected him as well and perhaps he is scared of making himself vulnerable by committing to the new pregnancy and then running the risk of something going wrong (which I am sure it won't but I can see why he would be worried).

Original poster

TheWildOnes · 29/03/2014 08:30

You may be right, things were really tough after the loss, I took it very badly, maybe he suffered more than he shows. After last time we didnt want to risk going through it all again.

OP posts:

Offred · 29/03/2014 08:31

So he didn't want the snip but he wants you to have a termination?

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