Pregnant but DH doesnt want another child, scared marriage will suffer.

[TheWildOnes]

We didnt think it was possible to get pregnant again, already have DD 10 and DS 6. DH says we dont have room, we only have a 3 bedroom house. The timing isnt great, we both thought we were done with babies, which I agree with. But now that it has happened I want this baby, I misscarried a couple of years ago and this is bringing a lot back for me.
I love my DH, I want us to be happy, but there is no good outcome of this, whatever happens one of us will be unhappy, this could even end our marriage. I have noone to talk to irl, I dont know what to do, I feel like my world is breaking in two.

Maybe offred, im really hoping this has just shocked him. He hasnt outright said it.
I just really need to talk this out with him I guess.

If things were bad between you after the miscarriage maybe it isn't a third child he is upset about but another miscarriage. miscarriages are an awful experience - for both of you. Sounds like you need to talk more.

It makes no sense for you to have a planned pregnancy two years ago but not to want a third child now.

Why would the new baby have to share with the 10 year old? Can the 2 younger ones not share for a while? Even if they are of the opposite sex it won't matter to them. worked for us with a five year gap for a couple of years while we were renovating.

I really dont know why the sharing thing is an issue, we had a plan last time and the children were a little bit younger so maybe he found that easier.
After the miscarriage I was very depressed, id lost my Grandmother a couple of months before and she was more like a mother to me. DH really kept me together at that time.
He keeps saying its just a shock, maybe its bringing up a lot of memories of last time.

The logistics don't really come into it, kids can easily share and most cars are big enough for 5.

His reasons for you considering a termination are not the real reasons inmho. If he originally planned a baby with you last year I find it odd that the above reasons would stop him. Maybe the mc has affected him more than you think?

He is a bit of a closed book pumpkinsweetie, finds it hard to discuss feelings, and finds it hard to deal with my feelings. I think he is suffering, I just need to get his feelings out of him.

This is really hard, OP.

Something similar happened to us, and because you and your DH feel differently about the pregnancy, only one of you can have what you want. Considering its your body, it is, in a way, your choice, but that will be hard for your DH who, effectively, doesn't get a choice.

I know that when it was happening to us, I did have an underlying and never expressed feeling of annoyance that he was responsible for his own fertility, and should live with the consequences of his actions.

Financially, having a third DC has not been an easy choice for us. Like you, we have had to extend our house. Holidays are different, because taking three needs different room configurations in hotels etc. (So we usually self-cater.) We have had to choose different cars than we would have with two. Obviously, three will be more expensive than two, as far as schooling is concerned, not to mention the cost of extra curricular activities, clothing, socialising, etc.

It really wasn't easy in the early years, because I always had the feeling that DH resented DC3, and was very sensitive to that. Even if it wasn't true, if you worry that it it is true, it will still cause problems, IYSWIM.

DC3 is now 10yo, and while I acknowledge that life would be easier without him (as it would without any child, if we're honest) he is such a joy, and I am so pleased we did it my way.

I don't know if this is helpful, but I really do feel for you.

((((hugs))))

Thanks Sanityclause, thats really helpful.
Thanks everyone for the advice, will have another discussion when DH gets home.

Your DH may be be having a panic and will change his mind. However, if he doesnt that you do need to take his feelings into account as both of you created this child.

Dont underestimate the damage that can be caused to a child and a relationship if one party doesnt want the child.

It sounds like you were both silly with contraception and are now left with some very tough decisions.

Space and a car can be worked around but if you have money worries then adding another person to feed, clothe etc isnt likely to help.

Well, it sounds like you are both doing the right thing. You are talking to each other about the practical and emotional issues and you are taking his feelings into account.

But in the end you are pregnant. And if you want the baby I don't think anything or anyone in the world has the right to stop you, not even your DH.

OP I really do feel for you. I have been through the same last year. I found out I was pregnant having already had 2DC who are 8 and 6. They are DH's stepchildren. He initially wanted children, then would change his mind, although he knew we weren't using any contraception. We did nothing but fight for weeks when I first told him, he wanted me to get a termination, I just couldn't do it. I told him that I would rather be a single mum than have an abortion. My pregnancy was hell, mainly because of him, he made me feel guilty constantly and made me feel like I had pushed having a baby onto him. Even though this wasn't the case. He did have real concerns about money and the house being big enough but we have three bedrooms and the elder two share. Anyway, fast forward to now, DS is 3 months old and absolutely perfect, and his dad, well he can't get enough of him. The moment he was born he just melted. He has since apologised, loads, for the way he reacted, and he realises he was wrong and his worries were immaterial. We still have the same size car (vectra) and it fits us all in just fine. Your going to have a tough time ahead, I don't think there was a day I didn't cry last year, but this little dude kickin round in front of me giving me big gummy grins just makes it all so worth it. You do what you feel is right.
Also I have to say DS and DD are so so good with baby, and yours are slighty older. They will be so excited, this is what kept me going last year. Good luck

Thanks thefuturemrstatum, glad you have a happy ending, hope ours works out as well.

I hope you do too. Take care of yourself.

Talk to your DP, he may open up to you. It may be his own grief and his worry about the impact another MC would have on you that is driving his fear. I hope it all works out.

TheWildOnes sounds like an awful situation. However I am going to go against the grain here and side with your husband.

If my Husband made a decision that I didn't want or was unhappy with I would see it as a huge betrayal of trust if he went ahead.

If your husband in the past has made it clear he wants no more children and you have agreed then yes you BOTH should have taken precautions to ensure you didn't fall pregnant. Why should your husband be the one to have a vasectomy?

To be honest I think you sound incredibly selfish. And if this was the other way around and he was forcing you to do something you didn't want then people on here would probably be telling you to LTB.

Well I think to be honest you sound incredibly lovely :) take care and good luck

DH almost fainted the third time I got pg.. Like you're DH he focussed immediately on the practical, new house, bigger car etc but then he did calm down. There is a similar age gap between ours and we'd discussed a vc shortly before we found out.
I would put money on him calming down about it soon, mine worried about the financial, practical, day to day aspects without actually considering the baby herself IYSWIM. I hesitate to add that he worried about my age and health... 35 at the time cheeky fecker and how I personally would cope when his job is very time consuming.
DC3 is a toddler now and he dotes on her so there is a happy ending!

Puddles Why is she selfish? The deed is done, she is pregnant. The rights and wrongs of the contraception issue are now immaterial.

I fail to see how an accidental pregnancy is a huge betrayal of trust, or that she is forcing anything onto him. She is pregnant, its too late for any of that, he just needs to accept it and deal with it.

I appreciate your view puddles but I do not want to force my husband do or accept something he doesnt want to, which is why I am feeling the way I do! I want the both of us to be happy, not just me. Which is why we still need to talk, im not trying to push him into accepting this, im sure I am being selfish but no more than he is in wanting things his way.
I didnt try to push him into a vesectomy, I asked him if he would have one as it is simpler for a man than a woman, and he said no, that was the end of the discussion, after this I would happily consider sterilisation.
I didnt put this baby in here myself, he was quite happy to participate.
My husband isnt a bad guy here (hes amazing), we just have different opinions of how we want things to go from here.

At the end of the day, he doesn't have the right to choose whether you have a termination or not. It's "a woman's right to choose" not "a bloke who couldn't be arsed to have a vasectomy's right to choose."

He had the right to choose whether to have a vasectomy or not. He chose not to.

He had the right to choose whether to wear a condom or not. He chose not to.

The only choice he gets to have right now, is whether he wants to be a marred father of three, or a divorced father of three.

We are all told to advise our teenage DSes that when they are about to have sex with a girl, they choose whether to wear a condom or not, and that is the last choice they get to make. He could do with remembering that. Well, both of you could actually.

You say "I do not want to force my husband do or accept something he doesnt want to" which is great. But be very VERY careful . . . he might not be feeling the same about you.

OP I also think that his is a knee jerk reaction and that talking to him is the best way to understand each other better. Maybe tell him that no decisions have been made yet (even if you are sure you are keeping the baby) but that you just need to talk about all the options, including separation if you cannot agree on this. Once he realises that it might come to that, that it is possible if all else fails, he may start to actually consider going ahead with it.

Whatever he says, don't allow yourself to be forced into accepting 'conditions' such as, you are the one who wants the baby, you will have to be the one who cares for it, etc. He is either supportive of you, or he is not. Anything else will make you miserable.

Have you considered pregnancy advisory service for yourself, him or both of you?

True story: Many years ago a friend of mine got pregnant with child number six! Were told by medics baby should be aborted due to severe abnormalities etc (technology not as advanced then). Husband desparately wanted her to abort (too many children/could not cope with abnormalities) but she held firm and gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy.Husband absolutely adores him, and he is his favourite.
Another friend (very happily married) was in a similar situation to you, lost baby at 4 months, husband adament that he did not want to go through anything like that again when she got pregnant a couple of years later. She held firm and he would not be without his son, now 6, for the world.
I think you should not do anything rash and hold firm.
Good luck!

Er... Puddles maybe because he is so set on not having any more he'd want a termination so he clearly should have used some contraception that gave more certainty.

Clearly the op was not quite so set against it and therefore it was ok to rely on improbable conception as a result of health issues for her.

Why should she be responsible for him not taking appropriate precautions in relation to his feelings about another pregnancy which she may or may not be fully party to?

Why isn't she entitled to infer from his refusal to have the snip that he feels another baby would not be the end of the world?

Be careful op.I found out i too was pregnant after a gap between my older two.My hubby really didnt want another child but myself family and friends all talked him round. sadly the finanical emotional and larger family life and our marriage broke up:-( leaving me to cope alone.

My friend has just had her 3rd with big gap... hers are 13 and 11. Her mother died the week before she found out, so with shock and grief it was hard for them both to come to terms with.

But by the end, everyone was happy nd excited to welcome new arrival.

Fingers crossed your dh can get over his logistics issues and see the joyof what it can be like.

Also, just wanted to add, my thought process when going through this last year was I could get an abortion and I would always regret it and I would always despise him for making me do it and because of that our marriage would be over anyway. I thought if I kept the baby there was a chance he would come round to it and we could be a happy family, there was no happy family route the other way.