Pregnant but DH doesnt want another child, scared marriage will suffer.

[TheWildOnes]

We didnt think it was possible to get pregnant again, already have DD 10 and DS 6. DH says we dont have room, we only have a 3 bedroom house. The timing isnt great, we both thought we were done with babies, which I agree with. But now that it has happened I want this baby, I misscarried a couple of years ago and this is bringing a lot back for me.
I love my DH, I want us to be happy, but there is no good outcome of this, whatever happens one of us will be unhappy, this could even end our marriage. I have noone to talk to irl, I dont know what to do, I feel like my world is breaking in two.

'Er' because Offred The OP has stated her husband didnt want any more children. If they have both agreed not to have more children then why on earth should the husband be the only one to take precautions.

Why should she be responsible for him not taking appropriate precautions in relation to his feelings about another pregnancy which she may or may not be fully party to? Why should HE be responsible for HER not taking precautions?

Clearly the op was not quite so set against it and therefore it was ok to rely on improbable conception as a result of health issues for her. Clearly otherwise she wouldn't have this self inflicted dilemma.

TheWildOnes This statement after this I would happily consider sterilisation says to me that you were hoping this 'surprise' pregnancy would happen. If you would consider it after this surprise third child then why not after the agreed two?

To be honest it sounds like your financial situation wouldn't stretch to a third child if you cant afford to either move to a bigger house, buy a bigger car or convert the attic space.

No wonder your Husband is annoyed.

I meant I would consider sterilisation if this pregnancy progressed or not.

We cannot afford to move house but I didnt say we couldn't afford to get another car or the extension, we would have to save a little but it is possible.

This pregnancy is both of our faults whether we thought it possible or not, I understand that. Im 100% sure my husband knows im not trying to trick him, he knows me, he is my husband and together we will both decide whats best for our family.

It takes 2 people to make a baby puddles. "No wonder your husband is annoyed" - well he can't be really, as a grown man I'm sure he knows what happens sperm meets egg, therefore maybe he should be annoyed at his sperm, silly clever things for fertilising that egg!

I think BalloonSlayer has it spot on.

There is no need to be so antagonistic to the OP Puddles. This is much more likely to be about the DP's grief over the previous MC than anything else and even if it isn't, she is is not forcing him to have a child, they already have child, while he can't force her to have a termination.

Hope you can both come to an agreement OP.

No wonder your husband is annoyed

What, that he had sex with no contraception and his wife is pregnant?! FFS, I have heard it all!

He has had 2 kids so presumably knows where babies come from, he can hardly be pissed off at the OP that sex led to pregnancy! If having another baby was such anathema to him then yes, it is down to him to sort out contraception. The OP didnt want another miscarriage but being pregnant again wasnt a deal breaker for her. I have always believed that if you are the one saying "no more babies" then you are the one that needs to take responsibility for making sure that it doesnt happen. I dont want any more children, so by your standard I should tell my husband this and then if he doesnt wear condoms and I get knocked up, it is his fault! But I havent done that, I have taken control of my own fertility to make sure I dont get pregnant. The OPs husband should have done the same.

I get so fucking angry at the assumption that the woman should automatically be in charge of the birth control. He could have used a condom or agreed to a vasectomy, he didnt and had sex anyway, he must accept the consequences.

Puddles - your comments are really unhelpful. Have you ever been in a situation like that? It is hell...

The facts are on the table and there is no need for blaming the OP.

OP I feel for you. An absolutely horrible situation especially with all the hormones in the mix.

Someone up thread summed it up: things depend on how you feel you'd cope with a termination... If you cannot do it, then your marriage will definitely be over ( I assume). If you go ahead you may end up as a single mum of 3, but there is a hope that your DH will come around.

How is your relationship?

Wishing you lots of strength whatever you decide. Be prepared for a few difficult months, but you will get through it.

My comments are hardly 'unhelpful' longines it's rather a case of me pointing out the obvious. Which is the Husband in this little scenario shouldn't have to be the one who has to either wear a condom or have a vasectomy. And no you are quite right I have never found myself in this situation because I discuss with my husband what is going to happen in my marriage and if he isn't on board then it won't happen as I respect his wishes as he does mine.

Every point each person is making on this thread could be turned around to shed the best light on the husbands predicament, I am well aware that it takes two to conceive a baby however in that respect it also takes TWO to ensure that does not happen if they have BOTH agreed that another baby is not feasible. Which is the point I am trying to make.

And to be quiet honest I think the OP wanted this surprise pregnancy to happen albeit subconsciously because otherwise she would be using contraception or offering herself up to be sterilised instead of asking her husband to do it.

What's all this crap about 'him knowing what happens when he and his wife have sex' perhaps he thought his wife wasn't going to allow a accidental pregnancy to occur since he had made his feelings clear he didn't want another child.

In all sincerity I hope the OP has the outcome that is best for not only her but her family and I do offer an apology to the OP if I sound like a bitch however I think it's far too easy for men to get saddled with the consequences of a pregnancy the woman has wanted that they have not agreed too. Of course men aren't all innocent but if he is making his feelings known then his wife should be ensuring this didn't happen it shouldn't be all on him.

Puddles, that's a nasty post.

This is the first line of the OP:

"We didnt think it was possible to get pregnant again"

For whatever reason, perhaps to do with the prior miscarriage, both people in this couple were not expecting this pregnancy.

In all fairness though puddles, it is he who has the loaded gun and he can choose where to fire it. He knows they weren't using contraception as "we didn't think it was possible to get pregnant again" if he was so opposed to another baby he would have put the safety switch on, he didn't, therefore played Russian roulette. OP was not so opposed to another baby if it would have happened, and it has. As bogey said, if he was that adamant he should have taken precautions. So a small part of him must have been wanting another child.

Puddles you are just making things up. If a couple think that another pregnancy is not medically possible and don't use contraception, it's not up to the wife to make sure another accidental pregnancy does not occur. Even if another pregnancy had been a possibility simply saying that BOTH agreed another pregnancy is not feasible is not enough to shift the entire burden of contraception on the woman. Even if you shift all the burden of contraception on the woman it still doesn't mean she is obliged to terminate.

It's all fairly unkind to the OP anyway as there is a good possibility that this is not about not wanting another baby, it's about the grief and fear caused by the previous MC.

"perhaps he thought his wife wasn't going to allow a accidental pregnancy to occur"

And this I think is exactly the attitude men who claim they were tricked into pregnancy often have.

It is incredibly stupid to allow another person to take full responsibility for your fertility if you have very strong feelings not to mention unfair on them.

No method of contraception is foolproof, there is no such thing as not allowing a pg to occur if you are having sex. You can take steps to prevent pg which are more or less effective.

I'm struggling not only with how insensitive your posts are but also how misogynistic.

If a woman is happy with the level of risk involved in her actions but the man is not happy with the risk involved but chooses to do nothing when the woman encourages him to I don't see why the woman is trapping him into a pg she wants. There's a difference between trying to get pg and not wanting a termination and I'd think a man who tried to claim his partner had planned a pg because she refused pressure to have a TOP was manipulative and abusive. Same if said man ran around crying about being tricked when he knew full well he'd not used any contraception and neither had his partner.

Of course men aren't all innocent but if he is making his feelings known then his wife should be ensuring this didn't happen

Good grief, I didn't realise we had been transported back to the 1950s.

Why on earth should his wife be the one ensuring this didn't happen???

Puddles, there is a reason yours is the lone voice on this thread. You are 100% wrong. Here we have a pregnant woman, pregnant because of an error in judgement made by TWO people. Your answer is she should put herself through the trauma of a termination and "no wonder her husband is annoyed"???

WTAF?

it's far too easy for men to get saddled with the consequences of a pregnancy

:) what consequences? Having to pay maintenance for a child?
Women are still those who take most of the consequences. Physical during pregnancy and raising the child afterwards.

Quite frankly, expecting a termination after the traumatic mc of a wanted child would probably mean divorce to me.
I wouldn't be able to get rid of a child after loosing another that I had wanted.

I really cannot see any redeeming arguments for his position.

Thanks for all the helpful posts, appart from someone who seems to be adding 2 and 2 together and making 5, and is also completely reading my feelings and concerns wrong.
For the person who asked, our marriage up to now has been solid, we dont argue, he works hard for our family and we are happy, a lot has happened in my family in the years we have been together and he has been my rock through it all.
We spoke a little yesterday and we both want our marriage to work, I think I am holding back about discussing it as im thinking the pregnancy will end like last time.

It must be very tough for both of you but I think you do need to talk properly about everything ASAP.

Well maybe nature is your decision maker. If it's meant to be then you'll go on to have a happy healthy baby. Just make sure you look after yourself.

Just to update, me and DH have spent a lot of time talking, he was in shock and said he would never have tried to make me go through with a termination. We have cleared the air about a lot of things and he has realised we don't need to make changes to our lifestyle straight away.
I still don't know what's going to happen as did have a small amount of blood 2 days ago, but I know as long as we open up to each other we will get through it together.
We have also decided that after all this I will eventually get the coil before we decide on a more permanent solution.
Thanks again for all the advice.

I think it's clear that you'd like this pregnancy to proceed successfully and now you've spoken to your DH it does sound as if he's starting to come round to the idea, so I really hope nothing goes wrong and that this early angst will be forgotten about in the wider scheme of things.

FWIW, I was in a similar position to you - but at the age of 47(!) - so you can imagine there was all sorts of other worries to take into account as well. I'd previously miscarried 3 times so yes, it no doubt brought back feelings related to that as well. We'd been using the rhythm method - statistically maybe not the most reliable, but I was very regular and it had worked well for some time. Nonetheless, I fell pregnant and my DP was "annoyed" too. I was bloody furious as well, with him for being "annoyed" - and making me feel that I was somehow "at fault" .... as suggested by an ignorant poster. I left him in no doubt that it wasn't an immaculate conception, that various other female contraception options were closed to me for different reasons (as he knew full well) and that if he was adamant he wanted no more kids he should have worn something or had the snip. Needless to say he didn't want to do either - so he had no effing right to get narked with me when I fell. Unfortunately - or fortunately for him - I had another miscarriage at 12 weeks, which was pretty expected at my age .... but my memories of his reaction at that time have left a sour taste I'm afraid and I very much hope you can manage to put any unpleasantness behind you.

I agree that anyone - male or female - in a relationship or not who is certain they don't want a child at that moment needs to take responsibility for their own fertility. In my case, another pregnancy wouldn't have been the end of the world so I was happy to use the method we did to avoid it ..... it stood to reason my DP was also happy with that as he didn't object and didn't insist on anything else which he could have done and which I'd have had no right to protest against. It is NOT the sole responsibility of one party to take all contraceptive precautions in a relationship - you discuss it, and then you have sex in full knowledge of the risks involved with your chosen method.

Is he still against having a vasectomy and if so, what is his objection? It's a very simple procedure.

I'm pleased you and DH are talking about this.

I do hope the blood wasn't anything sinister, and I really hope it all goes well for you.

Really pleased for you, I do hope everything progresses well x

I am glad you've spoken with your DH and things are looking more positive. Best of luck with your pregnancy.