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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Awkward Situation to say the least

91 replies

goodbyekitty1 · 28/03/2014 09:35

So I've met a new man, I'm 22 and he's 25 and we've only been dating for a few months now but I really like him and he's recently taken me home to meet his family as he's not from my area originally.
I met his younger brother and to my surprise I discover that when i was in university roughly two years ago, I actually slept with his brother and one of his friends at the same time. I know that he remembers this as we've spoken about it and he's agreed not to tell my boyfriend and give me the choice of telling him or not.
What should i do?! if i tell him, i might lose him for good.

OP posts:

MrsCosmopilite · 28/03/2014 12:13

I know someone who went out with one guy, then met his older brother, and went on to have an 18 year relationship with him. I don't think it was something that anyone discussed as such, but I understand that everyone knew.

meditrina · 28/03/2014 12:19

The chances of this coming it accidentally, or by malice, or by the other friend thinking its funny are just too high. Especially if there could be photographs which mean you cannot minimise it as dating (and I think that horse has bolted anyhow, because if it had been just dating it would have been mentioned openly).

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2014 12:21

Agree with brunobtookes
youve done nothing wrong but he deserves to not be the only one in the dark iyswim

Thumbwitch · 28/03/2014 12:24

Agree with everyone else - it's massively bad luck for you but you do have to tell him. But NO detail, however much he begs (he might, he might not) - just say you were too drunk to remember much about it (that might be a lie too but it's just SO much better than the other one).

Abbykins1 · 28/03/2014 12:29

It's quite possible that his brother might start making noises to the effect that you are not really long term relationship material but without being too specific and not breaking his promise to you.

What would worry me greatly if I were you is,what about if the parents/family find out.

Being of another generation they might not be as liberal thinking as we are.

Jellymum1 · 28/03/2014 12:31

hi OP. believe it or not the same thing happened to me!I dated my husbands brother back when I was 16. then when I was 18 I met my wonderful now husband and we have now been together almost 13 years have one dd and another on the way! do tell him op..he will find it wierd at first but men are different to women and dont tend to leave a relationship because of history. we all have history and its just one of those things. infact I was more gutted to have the brother back in my life he was a right ass hole! still is but I love my husband dearly and we were "meant to be" if your boyfriend is the right man for you it wont matter about your encounter. chances are you will come across exes or encounters of his too!

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 28/03/2014 12:32

When you say 'at the same time' do you mean an actual threesome, or shagging two blokes separately during the same time period? Either way, you have to tell him, because if nothing else, keeping it secret gives his brother a hold over you forever, which, depending on the kind of man the brother is, might be a really bad thing.

Theas18 · 28/03/2014 12:43

Come on 'netters imagine the roles were reversed. He slept with your sister in the past, thought "water under the bridge I don't think I'll tell goodbyekitty" ...

How would the MN massive respond to that?

Yove got to fess up

bleedingheart · 28/03/2014 12:54

You have to tell him.
There are so many ways this could come out.

Drunk brother.
Drunk friend.
Photographic evidence coming to the fore.
A shared glance during a conversation that your boyfriend picks up on...

Or implausibly maybe but can you imagine if the brother gets himself an awful girlfriend, your boyfriend has a go at him about her and he responds something like 'well, you think kitty is so perfect, let me tell you about her...'

Far better to let him know.

Twinklestein · 28/03/2014 12:56

If you don't tell him, his brother will eventually so you don't really have a choice.

Abbykins1 · 28/03/2014 13:07

Think your missing the point jelly.

It's the 2's up aspect.

That puts it in a different league and the OP is not bothered in the slightest that there were two at the same time.

If it were me I would lie and say I was so drunk or something I didn't know what was going on.
The OP will always be the subject of derision and no doubt the source of much jocularity behind her back in that particular circle of family and friends and everybody will get to hear about it.

The relationship is over.

Fontofnowt · 28/03/2014 13:10

Also if you don't tell him and have a serious relationship with him your potential bil will know you are hiding at least one thing.
Potentially ruining in laws trust which can be disastrous.

Offred · 28/03/2014 13:16

I don't think the fact it was a threesome is at all relevant actually.

I don't see why she has to be ashamed or lie about it. If the new bf (or his family) is immature and prudish enough to behave like a victorian father or a 12 year old boy about something in her sexual history then, if it were me, I'd find that deeply unattractive and probably want to dump him anyway.

The issue is that she shouldn't have a secret relating to a sexual experience with his family members for me. If I founf that out about a partner of mine I'd wonder why they'd kept it from me and be forced to assume it was because they were dishonest/enjoying having their special secret which humiliated me.

NotNewButNameChanged · 28/03/2014 13:33

The chance of it NOT coming out is so slim, I don't think you have any choice but to tell him. It could create so many problems in the future if it comes out later, because he'll wonder why you didn't tell, why his brother didn't tell and could create serious fucked-up family relationships.

If you don't tell and it comes out, almost guaranteed to end. If you tell now, there is a chance it may not end. Seems clear choice but be prepared that the likelihood is game over.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 28/03/2014 13:35

Nothing wrong with being a Two Sausage Sue, Abby!

FWIW I am the most prudey person EVER when it comes to doing the deed and I have no problem with it, it just isn't something I'd judge. I would think 'Hmm, OP has a totally different taste in sexy time to me.' And I would not think it significant.

But OP has to tell as it's an inappropriate thing for her to KEEP SECRET within her relationship. It's about not deceiving someone.

OP has to style it out.

Twinklestein · 28/03/2014 13:40

I would have thought that the threesome angle is of less significance than the fact it was with his brother. It's the brother thing that he might struggle with. If she'd admitted to a threesome with someone else, it doesn't affect the bf personally...

AdoraBell · 28/03/2014 13:50

I agree with Bruno, it's not the number that's the problem it's relationship To the boyfriend.

OP you really do need To tell him. Even if you think you can keep it hidden it will come out.

FWIW my DH Spent years telling me about a GF in his youth who suggested a threesome but he refused because it's just too wierd. Then, after we'd been together 8 years, he forgot that I was sitting next To him at dinner as the conversación turned To mispent youth and he told the story of How he'd Spent an afternoon with aforementioned girlfriend and her sister. He only realised his mistake as the other blokes at the table looked at him like .

Someone will slip up at some point.

Offred · 28/03/2014 13:54

wow adora is he still your dh? I have to say not only would the lying be a dealbreaker for me but the fact that he repeated it in a bid to look cool which would utterly convince me he was an objectifier of women.

AdoraBell · 28/03/2014 14:28

He is Offred, but only because I have a twisted sense of humor.

He wasn't actually trying To look cool, although I know it would seem that way. It was one of Those situaciones you'd have To witness To understand. I had already worked out that he was covering up because he was raísed To believe that sex is disgusting. To give an idea when his mid-30's sister had a DC 10 years ago, in the UK, without being married FIL was in tears because of the shame.

Offred · 28/03/2014 14:42

Eeee... rather you than me... think it's disrespectful on many levels and a dumpable offence for me!

AdoraBell · 28/03/2014 14:46

I understand that. But years of living far away from the PILs has allowed him To grow up and develop some much better views.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2014 16:40

I wouldn't try and mitigate by saying you were drunk and didn't know what was going on during this threesome

That's says something really shitty about the brother (hello ? consent anyone ?) and he doesn't deserve that

just tell the truth

Abbykins1 · 28/03/2014 17:11

Trolled again!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/03/2014 17:27

'Fess up sooner rather than later.

PS Welcome to MN.

AnyFucker · 28/03/2014 17:34

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