Dh making sex a condition of night out, not happy (long)

[bitpeeved]

Not quite as bald as that BUT...

We've planned a night out in London for some time - favourite singer doing a solo show. Trains & hotel booked (cheaply as well in advance, non-refundable).

We've just heard the gig has been cancelled. We're friendly with lots of other fans (online community who meet up at gigs) & the general consensus is sod it, most people have also booked non-refundable travel & accommodation, so let's make a night of it anyway.

Not quite as simple as that for us - we've young children so overnight babysitting is an additional hassle. We have it sorted, but it's a moot point whether it'd be more sensible to forfeit the cost of travel/accommodation & save our 'sitter favours' for another time.

I'm really up for the night out - lots of people I've not seen in ages going. Dh less bothered. He's said - HALF jokingly - that he's only prepared to go if I promise we can take full advantage of hotel room, as it were.

I'm probably not going to be keen. Since having children, my libido is NOT what it was. Then again, I might get a bit pissed & be happy to play along...the point is that I don't like feeling pressured...

& I don't want to upset dh. He tries to understand why I'm so off sex, but he finds it hurtful at the best of times. This tends to manifest itself in pseudo-jokey comments of the 'well I'm not going unless I'm on a promise' variety. Grrrrr.

Message withdrawn

I don't like it to be seen as a pre-requisite of a night out but I know DH thinks more or less the same way as your DH but I generally find that a few drinks and a nice night out minus children I can come round to his way of thinking.

I agree with Mrs Spoon ... and it's an opportunity to try and leave the whole "got to rush back for the whole babysitters" situation that we all experience and understand. Don't we all want to remember those early days - IMO take the opportunity whilst it's there!!

Would love to be able to come round to his way of thinking.

Oddly enough, in the early stages of our relationship I chased him for sex, poor sod.

These days, I just don't want to know. I can lie back & think of England, as it were, but tbh I'd not thank anyone for doing that with me - so I find it a bit weird that he's so keen when I'm so clearly not.

It's not him - you could line up every fanciable bloke on the planet & I'd still really, really rather not bother. Just not interested.

& EVERY time I try to discuss it, he assumes it's about a lack of love for him. It's not.

I hvae to admit that I expect sex after a night out as does dp, but it must be awkward if you don't both feel the same way.

Men also find it quite hard to talk about sex in a sensitive way so perhaps dp does not mean to be insensitive or pushy.

Maybe you need to think about what it would take to get you in the mood, tell dp and see if he complies with your wishes.

i wouldn't be happy either. don't like the idea of sex being a commodity that you use to bargain with. i'd tell him every time he makes a comment like that that it doesn't help - doesn't make you feel more sexy - in fact makes you feel the opposite, and that his best bet for nookie is to lay off!

Do you also not think that you might feel more in the mood in a hotel away from home and all the stresses that come with being at home with young children.

Even when I am going through one of my "Not now darling I have a headache" phases a night in a hotel is all I need to get me to drop my knickers pronto

I'd go alone.

Sorry, but that's a turn off.

how old are your kids? are you still b/fing?that can make a difference.

i find that if you are not feeling sexy, the best way to get yourself in the mood is to think sexy. treat yourself to some new underwear,have a nice bath in the hotel and do the whole body lotion/shave your legs etc etc.think about times when you have a really nice, sexy time with your dh. it can work.
i think your dh is just joking and i think that you should be flattered that he finds you so attractive and wants to be with you.

Just doesn't do it for me twinset...

I feel that 3 years of pregnancy/childbirth/lactating has completely kicked me into touch as far as sex is concerned.

Not interested. & to be quite honest, when I DO let dh exercise his conjugals, I feel like a prostitute & wish he'd just bloody hire one.

I love him & in all other areas we work well together. It's just the lack of sex that's an ongoing problem, & the way we negotiate our way round it...

you've got to get over the 'lettting him exercise his conjugals' attitude.
i'm not being funny but how would you feel if he felt this way about you? rejected? hurt? unattracive?
everybody goes through peaks and troughs with their sex life but when you in the depths of a trough, you really have keep reminding yourself how good it is when you are at the peak.

Correct me if I am heading totally the wrong way here but are you saying that you would be happy with a totally platonic relationship? Would your DH be happy with this?

If that is genuinely how you feel then I would have concerns for your relationship.

As alexsmilitantmum said all relationships do go through peaks and troughs, I went through a phase with dp similar to how you described, I used to flinch when he touched me and felt like he was using me as a wanking machine.

We sat down one night and I was really honest about my feelings and told him quite explicitly what did and didn't turn me on and we took it form there. I think you may need to do the same as sex is part of a loving relationship and is one of the ways you show love.

I also think that the more sex you ahve the sexier you feel, we go through patches where we don't have sex for ages but then we are at it like rabbits again.

I also find that when my libido is flagging it helps if I make an effort as suggested below a special bath and some sexy underwear, thinking about great sex we had had before.

Can see why you are a bit peeved. But this attitude towards sex with your husband and your libido will just result in a downward spiral IMO.

If he felt the same about me? Cheerful & relieved.

That's the problem - we have different levels of sexual enthusiasm atm & it appears to be getting in the way of more important stuff.

It's not something I can fix with a few glasses of wine & some amusing underwear - believe me we've tried.

I would just like my body TO myself for a bit (yes, I'm still bf'ing & it probably is a factor).

I don't really want my mojo back in any massive hurry - I want dh to accept how I feel, & that I'll let him know when I'm starting to feel me oats again

The alternative really is eyes closed, teeth clenched, skin crawling, let him get on with it.

I don't think that's a good thing for our marriage.

at the risk of sounding insensitive i find that there's nothing like having sex to put you in the mood for having more sex... would you really be happy never to have sex with him again? for him never to want to have sex with you again? if not someting needs to change...

if you are still b/fing it's hormonal.it's your body's way of making sure you don't get pregnant again while you are still feeding a baby.

sit down and tell him.tell him this is how womens hormones work-don't say ' i can't stand you touching me' because it would be really hurtful.

as for feeling happy and relieved-yes feeling the way you do now you would but if the situation wa sreversed and you were hot to trot and he kept rejecting you and said he wished you would go to a prostitiute? apologoes for the typing btw

Do you not want sex with anyone again or just not with your dh?

When dp and I had problems we bought a relate book about sex and we worked through it together, this may be worth the two of you doing to help you decide what your future may be.

I can see your choices being:

1. Grin and bear it one sided sex
2. No sex at all
3. Divorce
4. You turning a blind eye to your husband finding sex elsewhere
5. You and your husband finding a way to rekindle your sex life.

plus-if you are not feeling like sex then it's really important to keep up the intimacy in other ways-lots of hugging and kissing and hand holding.

I should probably grit my teeth & jump in there, then.

Unfortunately, the last few times dh has touched me sexually, I've burst into tears. I just can't bear it.

No idea why. I had a fairly frisky past pre-dh & children.

But of course you need to factor in your breatsfeeding and how that affects your sex drive.

When we had problems, as suggested by the book we banned sex altogther for a month and had to find other ways of showing affection.

That meant I was not under pressure to perform and dp realized that there other ways to give and recieve passionate affection.

By about 20 days I was gagging!

relate guide to sex in loving relationships

From my own experience, breastfeeding provides more of a mental block than providing a physical one.

it doesn't mean having to jump in and think for england.it does mean giving him akiss and a hug and making him feel loved.