Dh making sex a condition of night out, not happy (long)

[bitpeeved]

Not quite as bald as that BUT...

We've planned a night out in London for some time - favourite singer doing a solo show. Trains & hotel booked (cheaply as well in advance, non-refundable).

We've just heard the gig has been cancelled. We're friendly with lots of other fans (online community who meet up at gigs) & the general consensus is sod it, most people have also booked non-refundable travel & accommodation, so let's make a night of it anyway.

Not quite as simple as that for us - we've young children so overnight babysitting is an additional hassle. We have it sorted, but it's a moot point whether it'd be more sensible to forfeit the cost of travel/accommodation & save our 'sitter favours' for another time.

I'm really up for the night out - lots of people I've not seen in ages going. Dh less bothered. He's said - HALF jokingly - that he's only prepared to go if I promise we can take full advantage of hotel room, as it were.

I'm probably not going to be keen. Since having children, my libido is NOT what it was. Then again, I might get a bit pissed & be happy to play along...the point is that I don't like feeling pressured...

& I don't want to upset dh. He tries to understand why I'm so off sex, but he finds it hurtful at the best of times. This tends to manifest itself in pseudo-jokey comments of the 'well I'm not going unless I'm on a promise' variety. Grrrrr.

Message withdrawn

ca i ask who the singer is???????

Bloody hell.

I love dh. I'd climb over Brad Pitt to get to him, any day.

I just do not want to have ANYONE grabbing at my bits for the foreseeable future, & I can understand that dh, having married a bit of a goer, finds this tiresome.

OTOH, if he was off sex for a bit, I'd understand & back off.

No, alexsmilitantmum, you can't:

a) it'd blow my name change

b) you'd laugh anyway

I DO recognise your posting style.

But i'll leave off guessing.

i'll bet it's chris de burgh.

or barry manilow-in which case i wouldn't laugh cos i like him too!1

No, wrong style

in what way wrong? not easy listening?

i'll bet it is chris.

Good lord, no-one that retro-cool.

I'd tell you, but there's at least one person on here was planning on going to the same gig, & given she's a R/L mate of mine & dh's, I'd sooner not advertise my marital strife...

...but saying that, go on VVV, who d'you reckon I am? It'll be gone from active convos by morning anyway.

bitpeeved am sorry if we have upset you, I did not mean to suggest that you did not love your dh.

But three years is more than going off sex for a bit.

I reckon you are into folk music.

oh good lord is it jethro tull?

pity it's not chris-was going to suggest you put on your red dress and get dh to serenade you!

( sorry bitpeeved i hope you don't mind me having a joke)

Bruce Springsteen? He has cancelled a concert

although that was Manchester

I TOTALLY went off sex when my children were babies, breastfeeding, etc. Tbh it was about 3 years and DH tried very hard to understand but understandably got very frustrated with the situation.

I didn't do much of the touching/holding hands stuff either because I was worried that if I started he'd want more and we'd end up arguing

God knows how we managed to have 3 in just over 3 years! We seemed to have a high success rate in that department because it didn't happen very often!

I would try and talk about it as much as you can. Let him know how you feel and explain you'd like to have a good night out without that pressure. OTOH, you might come round after you've relaxed away from the kids for a while. I think that's part of the problem too. You are too busy putting all your effort into being a mummy that you forget you're a wife too and simply don't have the energy to devote to that side of things.

It is worth making the effort though. You need time to yourselves and your relationship will benefit as a result.

And FWIW, I feel a lot better on that front now

Nope. Not folk.

Thanks for comments, guys. I've been sort of feeling that one pregnancy after another has knocked me for 6 re: relations with dh.

Perhaps I've been using it as an excuse. I need to think about why I'm having such a problem with sex.

The book recommended below is very good, I would send it to you but have leant it to someone else.

Do i know your login?

all jokes asode-you must sit down and talk to him about your feelings and also keep up the physical intimacy.kisses and cuddles go a long way.

I'm a fairly regular poster...tried to do this thread anonymously as dh knows my usual nickname.

I've given it some thought, & I'm going to pull the stops out for London hotel booking. I'm just worried I'll panic & start thumping dh at critical moment as it were.

It's happened before & I STILL don't know why - I might have no libido atm but I'm a woman of the world - I've had relationships prior to dh & I just don't 'get' why I find it impossible to (putting it bluntly) go thro' the motions with him.

It feels false. & I'm uncomfortable with that.

(Barry Manilow, indeed!)

GOod for you BP. Worth a go, innit. Go buy yourself some raunchy reading for digesting in the days before your night out. Might help lift your libido/interest.

hey! no knocking barry!

it's not your dh, it's the sense of always having someone making a demand on your body. this is what having kids does and if you are still breastfeeding then i think you are being harsh on yourself-it does change the way your body works.

you haven't felt this way with anyone else because you haven't had babies with anyone else( i presume)

oh yes good idea vivkiven whatever!! try nancy friday-very raunchy! women on top is good

you would like it vvv-lots of s and m!!!