Dh making sex a condition of night out, not happy (long)

[bitpeeved]

Not quite as bald as that BUT...

We've planned a night out in London for some time - favourite singer doing a solo show. Trains & hotel booked (cheaply as well in advance, non-refundable).

We've just heard the gig has been cancelled. We're friendly with lots of other fans (online community who meet up at gigs) & the general consensus is sod it, most people have also booked non-refundable travel & accommodation, so let's make a night of it anyway.

Not quite as simple as that for us - we've young children so overnight babysitting is an additional hassle. We have it sorted, but it's a moot point whether it'd be more sensible to forfeit the cost of travel/accommodation & save our 'sitter favours' for another time.

I'm really up for the night out - lots of people I've not seen in ages going. Dh less bothered. He's said - HALF jokingly - that he's only prepared to go if I promise we can take full advantage of hotel room, as it were.

I'm probably not going to be keen. Since having children, my libido is NOT what it was. Then again, I might get a bit pissed & be happy to play along...the point is that I don't like feeling pressured...

& I don't want to upset dh. He tries to understand why I'm so off sex, but he finds it hurtful at the best of times. This tends to manifest itself in pseudo-jokey comments of the 'well I'm not going unless I'm on a promise' variety. Grrrrr.

OI!!!!!

(and its BDSM thank you)

i stand corrected

lots of everything in there-including dogs

Oh no no no no no no no no no!

We are supposed to be encouraging BP, not making her yak!

we don't know what might tickle her fancy! that's why this book is good-little bit of everything!!!

a spot of BDSM might've worked nicely, a few years ago.

That's not the problem. I used to be fairly adventurous (more so than dh). Since having ds - gone. Not interested. Dd is the result of a drunken night.

The impetus has just evaporated - I'm just completely, utterly not interested.

I am off to find out what BDSM is?

Could you be scared ofgetting prenant again, if you ahve not had sex for aged and then you relented and fell pregnant. I know I would go off sex if every time i did it I got pregnant.

Have just asked dp what BDSM is and he replied
"Are you on Mumsnet again at this time?"

lol!

He now thinks he is on a promise

LOL

I'm increasingly feeling that I should make an effort & hope it works.

I just think it's so UNFAIR. If the mere thought of sex made HIM barf, I'd let him work through it in his own good time. Because tbh having sex with someone who wasn't 100% keen, would not be my idea of fun.

But I seem to be expected to give it a go & hope it whets my appetite for more...

I'll try. Not happy.

He definelty thinks he is on a promise he has just gone for a wash!

I would not want to have sex with someone who dd not want to ahve sex with me so I can understand where you are coming from.

But I ahve experience in a previous relationship of a partner not being sexually interested in me and I found it very frustrating and hurtful.

I don't think you should be doing something you are not happy to do.

I think you need to have a long chat with dp, and don;t dismiss my book!

Just a thought but do you laugh together a lot, we do say that a man could laugha woman into bed. (look at Woody Allen as an example!)

I know that sometimes when dp and I are joking and fooling around one thing often leads to another.

i think you should go to the doctors - if you enjoyed it beofre - how can you not long to feel like that again?

i dont blame him for half funny non jokes about getting his end away - irritating absolutley - but the mans fishing - he wants to know if you will ever be able to have a right goof fuck again.

you can't blame a fella for that. especially if you were an adventurous saucy minx not so long ago.

Whats a goof fuck custy?

I think you should go to the doctor too. For whatever reason, men see sex as very important in their relationship. So many marriages break up because men think that they are not loved & appreciated because their wife doesn't have sex with them anymore.
If you were a saucy minx before kids, your DH is probably floundering around wondering where you've gone & if this means you no longer find him attractive & sexy.
I've been where you are & it is a miserable place to be, as it becomes such a massive issue. It is potentially going to spoil a very precious night away from the children. Definitely go & see your doctor, or look into alternative remedies - Agnus Castus did the trick for me.

Isnt damiana supposed to be a libido stimulant?

Agree that its not "normal" to have no libido at all.

hi bitpeeved,
this sounds like exactly the situation i am in
sorry i don't have any answers, wish i did. dh is currently not speaking to me because of it.

trouble is i have been this way now for 10 years.. yes you heard right..10 bloody years!

my kids are 7 and 10.
i have done the lie back thing, basically so i don't cause upsets (has threatened to leave me a few times)
have done the crying thing
and i have been to the doctor who wasn't helpful really.

sorry you are feeling this way. hope it resolves for you

O sweet heart - thats not nice to feel presured.

I had a huge emotional break down last week, sobbin into my pillow, DP asked what was wrong - I said I didnt feel like I made him happy any more, (big preg belly, no more pub, etc)

his responce - give me a blow job then

you can see how that made the situation better cant you...

Don't let your DH make you feel pressured about any thing - go down to London, have a FAB night with your friends, and do what makes YOU happy...

I'm going to get the book recommended. Dh gets annoyed that I don't initite sex but I get annoyed he pays me no attention or shows no affection until he wants sex - it's so transparent that he wants a shag when I get a cuddle from him.

Thing is pinot, do you not find that he still wants cuddles straight after too?

I think its important that people have and enjoy sex (i agree that the regularity will undoubtedly vary from couple to couple), and that its a shame if people cant/dont. I dont know how to convey how i feel about it without sounding condescending to those who lack libido or drive.

I can only say that I understand because I have been there once or twice.

I really feel for you bitpeeved. The only time that I have gone off sex completely was when I was with my ex-h and tbh for me it was a symptom of the rubbish state of our relationship in general. Now I'm with dp although we don't have sex as much as we used to we both still really want to, it's just a matter of logistics and whether or not sleep takes priority .

I think that twinsetandpearls list of possible outcome options is pretty accurate really. For most people within a relationship sex is an expression of love and your dh may well be feeling pretty rejected and unloved at the moment.

Enjoy the evening away, try everything that you can to get yourself in the mood. I definitely recommend erotic literature. I know that you say that you have no libido/ don't want sex but these are not the same thing. What about giving time to your self and trying to relax and masturbate ?

Well that post was a bit of a thread killer!