DH doesn't love me

[adeucalione]

I'm going to try to stick to the salient points, but I'm sobbing as I type.

DH and I are in our mid 40s and have been together for over 20yrs (met at uni). We have four lovely teenage DCs.

About 18 months ago I felt a difference in our marriage - general coldness, lack of affection and so on, but didn't say anything initially while I tried to work out what was going on and tried to put it right.

About 12mths ago things deteriorated and I initiated a conversation in which DH said that he loved me like a sister or a friend, but was no longer in love with me.

From that time I have lurked on this board and know that the general perception is that this behaviour usually indicates an OW. Unfortunately I have no way of checking this out - DH works away for weeks at a time, often abroad, often with female colleagues, and his credit card bill is basically full of hotels and entertaining. His phone and email account are also password protected. I have asked him about it and he has denied it, but not very convincingly.

Anyway, I have lived through hell over the past 12months - he is polite, but distant. We have not had sex for 12months, and he has now had a vasectomy. He says things will 'get better' but they haven't, and he will not try counselling.

I think he is quite cruel - has no trouble falling asleep listening to me cry etc. I once text him after a row to say I wished I was dead because I was so lonely (not generally this dramatic) and he texted a reply an hour later, so couldn't even be bothered to call me, even though he was away all week.

I can't bear it any more. I love him and thought we would be together forever, and every time he recoils when I accidentally touch him it breaks my heart.

I texted him today to say that I wanted to separate. He is away until the weekend and he replied to say we would 'talk' but what do I say?

He has got a big job and earns lots for a national company while I have always been a SAHM. I have no doubt he will marry again and continue living a wealthy lifestyle. How will I cope, financially and emotionally? All I know is that I can't keep up this miserable existence.

I've PM'd you some more thoughts based on experiences.

Thank you stepping, I've replied.

"We are never at each other's throats. I can honestly say that no one, not even the children, would know that we weren't perfectly happily married."

Sweetheart, you would be surprised how many relationships that look great on the outside have huge problems on the inside. This is why it's always wise not to judge by what you see when you don't know a couple incredibly well (and even then, you never know the whole story).

The fact that you don't argue and have financial stability is no substitute for a rewarding marriage which fulfils your deeper needs. But you already know this. Sometimes it's better to have a bit of struggle and at least a chance at happiness than an easy but sterile life.

I've been thinking about what you've said a lot, and I don't think that a talk with DH expressing your views is a bad idea. I am concerned that you think that the worst that can happen is that he will say he also thinks divorce is a good idea, rather than begging you to come back. It suggests to me that your whole sense of self-worth is bound up with his affirmation. Another way of looking at it would be that maintaining a friendly, amicable footing in your separation will be a great foundation for coparenting, while enabling you both to move on to the next phases of your lives.

I can see how it might be tempting to agree to carry on as normal, but I think in your case it might be a bad idea. Because this man has no respect for you at all. He thinks you're somewhere between a dog and a dishwasher, and trying to arrange that the two of you 'live as friends' will mean his contempt for you just gets more blatant. He will start to rub your nose in the fact that he is having sex with other women; he will speak to you as though you are a disobedient servant. He is not your friend.

And if he's really, ruthlessly cunning he will play nice up to a point, possibly even encourage you to start dating other men and then divorce you for adultery as publicly as possible while covering his own tracks.

So sorry you are going through all of this. A lot of what you wrote rang bells with me:

I think he is quite cruel - has no trouble falling asleep listening to me cry etc. ...so couldn't even be bothered to call me, even though he was away all week.

I can't bear it any more. I love him and thought we would be together forever, and every time he recoils when I accidentally touch him it breaks my heart.

I went through all of this too.... your details brought it all back to me. Worst time of my life -

You should know that being treated like this will not only continue your misery, but it will bring your self-esteem down, you'll change as a person if you don't leave this utter desolation.

As his wife my guess is that he will have to divide assets, etc. with you Your children are old enough to understand what's gone on for themselves. You are young enough to make a whole new, exciting, lovely life for yourself and find someone who loves and appreciates you.

I can guarantee it won't all be plain sailing or easy. They'll be an emotional swamp to get through, but you will be happier.

My dear, no matter what he may say tonight, the fact remains that he has told you that he no longer loves you as a wife, but as 'a sister'. What on earth can he say now to counteract that hurtful admission? That he has suddenly been hit with a bolt of lightening and discovered that he 'loves you again'? Doubtful. Not impossible, no, but highly unlikely. And his cold responses don't speak of someone who has gotten a terrible shock that has made them realize what a fool they've been, does it?

And I do see stepping's point regarding staying in what would be a 'Marriage of Convenience'. But I think that an MoC would only be tolerable when neither party is in love with the other. I don't think that's the case with you, is it? I think it would be pure hell to live with someone I loved, knowing they were only with me because it was 'convenient' for them. And you are right in thinking 'what will happen when I am no longer convenient?'.

I think you deserve to be loved as a woman wants to be loved. We all do, don't we? And what would staying reduce you to? Either living like a nun or being reduced to having affairs. And I think it's much better to be able to look openly for love than to be a 'married woman' who isn't really in a true marriage, if that makes sense.

I wish you all the best! Good luck tonight.

No advice, have no relevant experience to draw on, but just wanted to say that Freud or someone would probably have a field day with your mistake in stepping's name. Stepping out of the shadows and into the sun is exactly what you will be doing in the near future. Will be thinking of you this evening. Sending you strength to deal with the difficult times ahead xx

Are you feeling strong enough to talk to him tonight OP? I'd write what you want to say in advance to keep yourself on track as he is bound to start manipulating what you say.

He finished work early and we went for a drive to talk.

He said my message about separation had floored him but that after a lot of thought he could see why I wanted a separation and he agreed.

It seems he has not loved me for several years but had thought he was doing a decent job of staying with me in order to provide financial stability, and for the children. He denied any OW. He said his preference now was to separate but that he would be prepared to carry on as we are if I wanted that, but I said no.

He suggested I get a solicitor but doesn't intend to get one himself, that he's to blame and that our financial security and the children's welfare are his priorities.

I am certain that this will change, as he is already talking about selling the house and me retraining to work full time, so we are already not in agreement.

I've had lots of PMs today too. I haven't replied to them all yet but I will, you are all so wonderful, it's getting me through this nightmare,thank you so much.

Don't torture yourself with the OW scenario, sometimes people just falls out of love. I was devastated when I stopped loving my husband, I wanted to continue seeing him as a partner but could only see him as a little brother. He was my best friend but I was no longer in love with him.

We tried for years to improve the situation and at some point decided to leave it as we were getting on each other's nerves so much we thought it wouldn't be long before we started throwing things at each other. I can assure you there was no other man.

He continued with his high flying career and eventually met another woman, we have lost track of him but we know he is doing very well. DS and I have survived with my meagre salary (My career never recovered of the break I had while being a SAHM) and the blessed tax credits. Yes, I have worries about money I didn't have when I was married, and it is difficult to be a single mum, but I'm happier now, because there is nothing more soul destroying than carrying on in a relationship that is no longer working.

You will be fine, and eventually you will get to remember how does it feel to be loved, appreciated and proud of your own achievements. Because I'm sure that you are about to find out how many people loves you and cares about you, wait and see, there will be more than you expect :-)

All the best

So, a new phase in your life is beginning. A phase in which you do not need to confide your every thought and action to your STBX. Which means, consult a solicitor, draw up a settlement that meets your & DCs needs without discussing it w/STBX, and let your solicitor handle it from there.

Your response to any suggestions STBX makes regarding YOUR future should be "Thank you, I'll take that under advisement and discuss it with my solicitor".

Thank you so much for being so encouraging.

Unfortunately I am sitting here drawing up a list of monthly outgoings and am terrified. I haven't worked for years but even if I find a full time job on minimum wage I am laughably short. I've also included some benefits I think I might be entitled to. I can't see what I could cut back on. I don't know how much I'll get in any settlement, but would bet anything that it won't be enough. And presumably even less, if anything, when DC are no longer in education.

I think I should've kept my mouth shut and put up with everything, it was better for me and DC than this alternative.

Adeu I know it seems/feels that way right now but I promise you it's not. You were living a life of limbo hell...and on someone else's terms at that. That is no way to live and actually is not a good way for your children to see you live.

You will probably feel worse before you feel better but I can also promise you that you will look back on this time in your life and, dare I say, even be glad that this has happened. It is a new beginning for you. It will get better. Honest.

In the meantime, know that you will grieve and that will take some time. Look after yourself and take practical steps forward. I wish you all the best.

adue you are working yourself up into a state however, you may be entitled to more than you think, you need to use a proper benefits calculator not guess which benefits you may get. Your mw job would be topped up with tax credits etc.

Get yourself to a solicitors quickly and get some legal advice on the financial side, you will be entitled to 50% house or even more if you are still looking after dependent children, share of assets and so on.

Don't start panicking about things that haven't happened yet, and also remember that your children won't want to see your husband be cold to you, eating meals, walking away, lack of affection. I think it very unlikely this is completely hidden from them. You may find they are your best supporters.

Don't forget that you will get child maintenance, child benefit and if you work more than 16 hrs, tax credits.

You may find it useful to ceck entitledto.org.uk

At the time things look quite bleak, but believe me, you will find out in time that many expense you have at the monent are unnecesary or that you won't even miss stop incurring them.

Yy, try to relax. Use the website that Piglet mentioned. Consult with the solicitor. Remember that STBX will be responsible for paying support for the children. You may also be able to remain in the house until the children are out of school.

Sit down and figure out how much you feel you will need to maintain a lifestyle comparable to the one you have now. Then take that information to the solicitor and he/she can advise you as to whether or not it can be accomplished. Try not to freak yourself out. Get the facts, then make definite plans.

What an utter shitbag he is. Cowardly, nasty and superior.

He won't use a solicitor? Pah! He thinks that will save him money. Wel Pah, pah and double pah! He will find that he has no choice. Off to a solicitor you trot then, dumbnuts.

You are going to be Soooo better off without this bellend of a 'man' dragging your life out second by second. You need to get your ducks lined up however, as he is going to turn even more cold and nasty.

The children have been his priority? Bollocks. He has treated their mother with cold contempt - no parent does that to their children if they have their best interests at heart.

It's time to put the tissues away (though yes it is going to hurt like fuck) and put your practical, clever-wizard hat on. Get to the sol. File for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (the OWomen will undoubtedly surface at some point)

And buy some fizz. Because your life is going to improve immeasurably. Hugs and keep posting for guidance as there are some very wise women on here who can advise you on each step. Hugs to you sweetheart.

A book that has helped me in a similar situation is Divorce and Splitting Up by Marilyn Stowe. The author is a divorce lawyer but she also has a lot of sensible advice on the emotional and practical aspects too.

Thank you again for the continuing advice and support.

I wish I had your kick ass attitude smokinmirrors, you should be a motivational speaker! But sadly I'm not quite in that place yet

I feel very confused because it was DSs birthday yesterday so we had a family day out. It was lovely, as lovely as it ever was, and I kept forgetting about it all and then it would hit me like a truck again.

Unfortunately one of the DC overheard a conversation and had to be told - truly awful of course, and will now have to tell the others sooner than I would've liked. They had not seen it coming at all, which is a testament to my acting skills I think.

On the advice from you lovely people I have read websites and blogs, ordered books, done an 'income and expenditure' spreadsheet to identify what I need to run the household, identified the benefits I should be entitled to and photocopied paperwork for my meeting with the solicitor this week.

DH commented that everything was 'going too fast' but that's how I am, once a decision has been made then I just want to get on and do it.

We have actually talked a lot, laughed, cried, reminisced and tentatively began to talk about what our futures might look like.

I do not get the sense of an OW and he has said more than once that he would be willing to live as friends, but that he understands that it isn't fair on me, and is worried about whether even that would be sustainable once the DC are gone, and worries that one of us will ultimately find someone else and then a separation would be much less ordered and amicable than we hope this will be.

I am still sad that he doesn't love me, grieving for a planned future that isn't going to happen, scared about money and scared of being on my own forever and ever, but I feel slightly more like I will be able to cope now, although I expect there will be lots of ups and downs to come yet.

It may be 'going too fast' for him, but you've put up with his coldness for 18 months or so, cried yourself to sleep while he's been seemingly indifferent, and had to suffer the hurtfulness of being looked past when you've tried to speak to him.

So it's good that you are taking charge now. You sound very together, and I wish you much luck and strength for the time ahead.

I don't have any practical advice, but I wish you all the best, OP. Kudos to you for taking control. I am sure it is as frightening as hell, but you will survive this and come out stronger on the other side of it. Best of luck to you.

You know, Adeu, I think you and he have a good chance of ending up as 'friends', if you can both get through the necessary evils of splitting up the money/assets. I think you have a great ability to get through the hurt of his not loving you without bitterness, and I really think you are partway to no longer loving him.

And who says you will be on your own forever? There are other men out there, you know.

But I think it IS important to learn to be on your own first. When my X-a**hole (I mean xH) and I divorced, I made a conscious decision to learn to love the peace & solitude of having my own space, where I was 'queen' and there was no dissent or hurt. To learn to make my own decisions with confidence. To learn to be alone, without being lonely. Then when I met my now DH, I was a woman of confidence able to stand up for myself, ready to share and love without fear of being left again.

I wish you all of life's good things! You are starting an adventure, not leaving one behind!