DH doesn't love me

[adeucalione]

I'm going to try to stick to the salient points, but I'm sobbing as I type.

DH and I are in our mid 40s and have been together for over 20yrs (met at uni). We have four lovely teenage DCs.

About 18 months ago I felt a difference in our marriage - general coldness, lack of affection and so on, but didn't say anything initially while I tried to work out what was going on and tried to put it right.

About 12mths ago things deteriorated and I initiated a conversation in which DH said that he loved me like a sister or a friend, but was no longer in love with me.

From that time I have lurked on this board and know that the general perception is that this behaviour usually indicates an OW. Unfortunately I have no way of checking this out - DH works away for weeks at a time, often abroad, often with female colleagues, and his credit card bill is basically full of hotels and entertaining. His phone and email account are also password protected. I have asked him about it and he has denied it, but not very convincingly.

Anyway, I have lived through hell over the past 12months - he is polite, but distant. We have not had sex for 12months, and he has now had a vasectomy. He says things will 'get better' but they haven't, and he will not try counselling.

I think he is quite cruel - has no trouble falling asleep listening to me cry etc. I once text him after a row to say I wished I was dead because I was so lonely (not generally this dramatic) and he texted a reply an hour later, so couldn't even be bothered to call me, even though he was away all week.

I can't bear it any more. I love him and thought we would be together forever, and every time he recoils when I accidentally touch him it breaks my heart.

I texted him today to say that I wanted to separate. He is away until the weekend and he replied to say we would 'talk' but what do I say?

He has got a big job and earns lots for a national company while I have always been a SAHM. I have no doubt he will marry again and continue living a wealthy lifestyle. How will I cope, financially and emotionally? All I know is that I can't keep up this miserable existence.

balia is right! Stop texting. It's just giving him ammo to try to manipulate you. Focus on gathering documentation for your lawyer's appointment. Glad you have a friend who is a barrister! Maybe she can give you a brief list of what you'll want to have.

Oh and BTW my ex is ALSO ruthless ( always JOKED I'd never want to get on the wrong side of him!!) hmmm seems I am now!!
He is extremely angry now with me with regard to divorce as I outsmarted him as he vastly underestimated me ( he always did really)

Nothing useful to add but check out chump lady on tinterwebz
Get angry. He's treated you like shit for long enough.

I wish a lifetime of failed erections on him as well as a pubic infestation of camel fleas

He's carrying on like nothing's changed - and has been doing that for a long time. You deserve so much more. He thinks you'll go along with it...
DON'T
And don't tell him anything else about what you're doing. Why should you?

I can't be angry yet, but maybe it will come.

Pippi, you sound awesome. Love the image of you outsmarting him.

Thank you everyone. I'm wrung out and going to bed.

He sounds like a narcissist with his love of lawyers and abusing ways. Do consider that a possibility. Possibility Google it and see if any of it sounds familiar.

I think he's going to love bomb you and convince you not to proceed. You have massive value to him , but for all the wrong reasons. It's incredibly difficult to find someone to abuse like this , it takes years .You actually don't have to inform him of anything , let your lawyer do that.

Get rid of this emotionally abusive parasite. I've been married to one also. Consider also what your children are learning from watching this sorry state of affairs. In ten years time when your watching them date a carbon copy of their dad you'll kick yourself . Like I do.

Agree with all that others have said. & no matter how 'nice' he may suddenly start to be - you simply cannot afford to give him knowledge and information of your every move regarding solicitor/possible divorce. Although you are understandably hurting, there is such a thing as just talking too much to the person that's hurt you. It does no good, and can leave you in a very vulnerable position. & you can be sure - as he has done thus far - he won't be making you aware of his every move and intention. Look after yourself and be careful.

SoldGoldBrass is 100% right.

I would get rid of him. Chuck his stuff in bin liners.

He TEXTED you a sad face emoticon?? WTAF???

Christ, he is an utter knob isn't he.

That's so shit it's actually laughable.

He has deigned to inform you that he is willing to talk tomorrow. Well screw that OP. You aint doin NO talking with this selfish arse anymore. When he rings, don't answer.

Change the message on mobile and home ansaphone to a few seconds of silence. Give zero away.

It's game over for him.

Your life starts now. Yes - you will cry, it will hurt like fuck. But you can't honestly allow this dick a nano second more of your precious life.

'Stop doing this' simply means 'this is inconvenient for me right now, so stfu'.

Be bold, be bloody.

And keep posting.

Your STBX is a first class knobflannel.

I wondered how old your children are - is there an advantage to divorcing after the kids are a certain age?

Wonderful support here, I'm so glad so many people have been able to post positively for you about similar situations, though sorry that anyone has to go through this, obviously.

I agree with Smokin. The 'stop what you are doing' just translates that he thought he was running the show and would control when and what happens to the marriage. You've freaked him out that he's no in the drivers seat anymore. Maybe that is what the sadface emoticon was for

I wouldn't let him know anything else now. You do wjat you have to do wrt solicitors. You do not need to inform him of your every move.

He has shut down emotionally towards you. Now it's your time for self preservation and to be distant, polite and above all, hold your cards close to your chest.

He will hate that you are suddenly coming back to life again as an autonomous, strong woman and he will do anything to prevent it. Your strength and assertion is threatening to him and his comfy life you see.

Your happiness is so important. He isn't going to make you happy. You have to make you happy.

It doesn't sound like you're losing a diamond. He falls out with lots of people? He is rude and superficially charming? He sounds vile.

Hope you are bearing up.

I can't believe his response to you. spineless springs to mind. you will get angry. I remember going in and out of being very bitter then sad mixed with days of actually feeling happy and me again and listing all the good points about being on my own!

those days will come and its good to go through all those emotions. you will come out the other side.

Why did he get a vasectomy if you're not sleeping together?

If he is as ruthless as you say he is, please don't tell him what you are doing e,g seeing lawyers etc.

You really need to spend the next few days collecting papers relating to income, savings, investments and so on before he starts hiding and moving these around.

Well I didn't get much sleep and am not feeling very sure of myself this morning.

I actually take care of everything financial, so I already know exactly how much we have in each account, and have all the statements. He has always left investments and things to me, and everything is either in my name or joint names. He is financially generous to be fair, I can spend whatever I want.

Good question ghirly, I thought the same thing.

He sent another text asking me to wait until tonight so that we could talk properly. I don't know which will be worse - having to stand up to him telling me that things will get better and that we should stick with it, or having to listen to him saying that divorce is a great idea. I don't know which way it will go. I feel scared to death.

Take heart now you have made the decision that you want things to end, you will feel much stronger when you meet.
I spent far too many nights crying into my pillow about my exh and far too many attempts to make the marriage better.
One morning I woke up to a soggy pillow swollen eyes and made the decision "No more" and within 24 hours I felt like a huge burden had been taken off my back.
Telling my family wasn't as bad as I thought and when people said "Is their any chance?" I just replied that "That is up to him"

You have spent the last 12 months in relationship hell, now is the time to think of just yourself and your DC's. You may be surprised at just how supportive those teenagers might be.

Good luck, you deserve fun and love in your lifex

Don't wait for him to decide divorce or not.

You decide.

I've just made an appointment with a lawyer so at least he will know I am serious when we talk tonight.

Earlier you said
it's definitely not the 'I still love you and will do anything to save our marriage' that a teeny bit of me was still hoping for.

I'm afraid by his actions he's proved love and respect are things of the past. I am sure he is so used to you dancing to his tune he has probably had his own timetable in mind. Now let him worry. Don't feel you need to appraise him. Don't rush to fill any silences.

Please go about your day and contact those professionals your friend recommended.

I don't want to throw a spanner into the works at this stage really but to say that there is also a middle ground option. When you stop chasing his approval and affection it can be quite liberating and it's possible that you could decide to stick with the 'marriage' in a different form if you think it is the best thing for now for you and the children. A very personal decision and lots of people on here will go against it I'm sure.

It means consciously living as friends really rather than chasing his love. But it requires a certain strength and to not be at each others' throats and I wonder if that might not be right for you at the moment.

Thank you for another perspective, steppingintothesun. I have certainly wondered whether it might be possible to live parallel lives but stay married.

We are never at each other's throats. I can honestly say that no one, not even the children, would know that we weren't perfectly happily married.

If I thought that doing this would keep us together I think I could endure it. But the thought of living like this for even more years, only to have him leave anyway, on his terms, at some point in the future, is even worse than the thought of ending it now.

God sorry, got your name wrong. I'm on my phone, and also not really thinking straight.

I think his "please stop doing this" indicates he thinks you are just saying stuff for a reaction. He's not taking you seriously and has lost respect for you.

Think back to the person you were when the two of you met and think about what that person would say about this. Pull your back up straight.

Remember - this is his fault. He's the one who's checked out of the relationship. I too suspect an affair but actually I'd leave that out of the most part of the conversation - he probably knows exactly what he'll say if you are suspicious about that and it'll be all "you're so paranoid, don't be ridiculous" etc. Stick to what you know - which is that he's being horrible to you and it's no way to live.