DH doesn't love me

[adeucalione]

I'm going to try to stick to the salient points, but I'm sobbing as I type.

DH and I are in our mid 40s and have been together for over 20yrs (met at uni). We have four lovely teenage DCs.

About 18 months ago I felt a difference in our marriage - general coldness, lack of affection and so on, but didn't say anything initially while I tried to work out what was going on and tried to put it right.

About 12mths ago things deteriorated and I initiated a conversation in which DH said that he loved me like a sister or a friend, but was no longer in love with me.

From that time I have lurked on this board and know that the general perception is that this behaviour usually indicates an OW. Unfortunately I have no way of checking this out - DH works away for weeks at a time, often abroad, often with female colleagues, and his credit card bill is basically full of hotels and entertaining. His phone and email account are also password protected. I have asked him about it and he has denied it, but not very convincingly.

Anyway, I have lived through hell over the past 12months - he is polite, but distant. We have not had sex for 12months, and he has now had a vasectomy. He says things will 'get better' but they haven't, and he will not try counselling.

I think he is quite cruel - has no trouble falling asleep listening to me cry etc. I once text him after a row to say I wished I was dead because I was so lonely (not generally this dramatic) and he texted a reply an hour later, so couldn't even be bothered to call me, even though he was away all week.

I can't bear it any more. I love him and thought we would be together forever, and every time he recoils when I accidentally touch him it breaks my heart.

I texted him today to say that I wanted to separate. He is away until the weekend and he replied to say we would 'talk' but what do I say?

He has got a big job and earns lots for a national company while I have always been a SAHM. I have no doubt he will marry again and continue living a wealthy lifestyle. How will I cope, financially and emotionally? All I know is that I can't keep up this miserable existence.

OP, I don't think it matters whether he has another woman or not. The love has gone, and your husband has shut the door on any method of reconciliation. Once things have reached the point where someone who cares about you can listen to you cry every night unmoved, it is broken. You are only dragging out the pain by not seeing that.

I am not trying to be harsh, but I think you need to talk to someone - a counsellor? - so that you can process what is happening and ask yourself why you are settling for this. I speak as someone who knows how you feel - I have been in your shoes, and I look back now and think 'Why, oh why, did I put up with so much crap for so long? Why didn't I just leave?' The answer was, I couldn't find the courage in me to recognise what was staring me in the face. I was utterly codependent (and you may be too) - so drained by the misery that I was paralyzed. It is incredibly scary to leave when you've been in a relationship from quite a young age for such a long time, because it literally feels like a complete leap into the unknown. But it was the best decision I ever made. I am so much happier now.

Oh darling. You sound positively worn out. I am amazed you have had this cold treatment (and it is cold) for such a long time, and it is totally understandable that you would be crying yourself to sleep. It's just cruel.
Everyone deserves love. You deserve sooo much more.

He may be good looking, high earning etc but he's a poor excuse for a human being given how he treats you and others. It seems like hell now but bite the bullet and go, and a year from now you will feel so relieved and so much happier. Best of luck to you.

He's emotionally abusing you .

In response to his text saying we would 'talk' I replied to say that there was nothing to talk about except how we'd tell the DC and what date he was moving out (emboldened by MNetters you see).

I know it is mad to be doing all of this by text, but he has refused to talk on the phone and is never here in person.

Anyway, he replied with 'I am not doing anything until we have talked about this. Pls stop doing what you are doing'.

I'm not sure what it means really, but it's definitely not the 'I still love you and will do anything to save our marriage' that a teeny bit of me was still hoping for.

I'd go see the most aggressive divorce lawyer that I could find asap. I would move swiftly, take him by surprise (if there still is any chance of that) and secure any advantage I could.

He has made his intentions clear and you should act now. I don't think he will come around. You've lost him emotionally and there is still more to lose. Don't delay.

How dreadful for you. Definitely see a solicitor, and I would suggest no more texting for now. You have set your agenda. Well done. You now need some legal advice to plan the next steps and protect your position. Please vent away on here, you have been horribly treated. How is he with your children?

God knows why you love him. He sounds like a complete tosser to me.

Sending virtual wine. While he is away, ?i think you need to do as much reconnasance as poss on what he earns, your finances, who pays for what, deeds of the house,insurance, how much your household takes to run. Then I think you need to get finances sorted, ie, own bank account, etc. work out what you need to stay in your current house and to run it. This will give you leverage. Knowledge is power.

I am so sorry OP what a dreadful time.

I haven't talked to anyone in rl because I didn't want people to think badly of him if we managed to work it out.

A year or more of waiting and wondering, that is cruel. Enough now. So as you lose your confidence and sparkle and nobody knows why, H continued on his merry way? Now start looking for rl support as well as venting on MN. Losing three stone was just a start, now it's time to lose however much he weighs. Get yourself legal advice.

Parents don't always respond as we'd like them to but if you get any nonsense about him being a good provider blah blah just cut them short and say actually, that's not very helpful, there's more to life than money and you just wanted to keep them in the loop. It's your decision adeucalione - not your family's.

That said, maybe they will be supportive and reassure you.

he doesn't have any friends at all and I could write a long list of people he's treated badly or spoken to unforgivably rudely. His siblings don't really bother with him

They probably can't believe you stood him as long as you have.

The DCs may already have picked up clues all's not well. I hope he has the guts to agree on how best to inform the DCs your marriage is irreconcilable? I hope that is something you would be able to do together. Don't overshare and don't blame.

Stay civil with H for your DCs' sake but don't bother trying to engage him in conversation. From now on he is a doppelgänger, something that looks and sounds and moves like your H but isn't the man you knew.

Good work adeu...
I read his response as an attempt to wrest back control from you. He was perhaps expecting you to be emotional, or agree to to talk, rather than state your agenda in plain terms.

I agree that a solicitor is the next step. Keep your momentum, remember that you are in charge of your life; and of course vent here, to friends in RL, or whatever you need to do. Just don't let him see how you feel. He should only see your business face from now on.
Well done you

That's horrible for you OP. I can promise you that you will be okay, you will get through it and come out a stronger, wiser, better person. The kids will understand, (they'll have to). You will find happiness again, through what you do, not at the behest of this gutless prick. Fair enough people change, but to keep you limbo for this time is not good.

Get thee to a solicitor, NOW! His response is because HE wants to control what happens. Either because he's not wanting to separate but NOT because he loves you, make no mistake! He just wants to continue his easy life of having a housekeeper, nanny, cook, and bottle washer all whilst not having to pay for it AND not having to expend any effort!! OR because he wants to be sure you get the shitty end of the stick and thinks he'll be able to bully you into divorce on his terms.

And if he does try to soothe you with protestations of 'realizing he still loves you', then insist you both go to couples counseling, that is IF you wish to try to save the marriage.

It's too late today (Thursday) and probably no way to see one tomorrow (Friday), but you should spend tomorrow getting an appointment pronto!! And also spend tomorrow scouring the house for any/all legal and financial documents before he has a chance to hide them. If your finances are online, you need to either screenshot or make copies before he changes the passwords!

Oh, and if you do feel that you want to separate, do not, repeat, do NOT agree to anything or sign anything until you have seen a solicitor, no matter what! Let him jabber on all he wants, refuse to respond.

Stop what you are doing does not sound like an emotional plea, more that he wants to control the proceedings. Arse. You should read the psychopath test.

I wish you luck. Chin up, you've clearly been feeling AWFUL, without him wrecking you, you will be able to heal xxx

He sounds like he thinks he is talking to a naughty child. I'd reply along the lines of;

"You of course must make decisions about your actions as you see fit; as will I. I have no need or desire to discuss my future with you, and if I do not hear from you with regard to the practical issues I mentioned previously, I will assume you are happy for me to make the decisions regarding those things as I see fit and in the interests of the children. If you feel you need to discuss your emotional issues, perhaps counselling would be appropriate."

The fucker.

I wouldn't even bother talking to him if he couldn't be arsed to talk to me; I'd be talking to a good lawyer - and my guess is that this is his biggest fear.

Financially, you will be fine. Lawyer up and then watch him trying to talk.

Hi Adeu - I am very sorry for the pain you are going through but I assure you that life will eventually be much better than this when all is said and done.

I wanted to add my voice to others who encourage you to seek legal advice asap. It is very likely your H is further along in his thinking around all of this so he may be already set in his ideas about what he thinks you deserve/or what he thinks should happen when you split.

See a lawyer and make your own plans. It will help empower you. I wish you all the best and I promise you will be happy again.

I've talked to a friend who is a barrister and she's recommended two lawyers. I'll contact them both tomorrow. I can't tell you how heartbroken I am. I contacted him to say that I had done that, and he sent me a crying emoticon.

DC are all upstairs and unaware, I can't bear the thought of telling them.

I didn't know it was possible to hurt this much.

He has completely checked out of the marriage but as others say he wants you to end it so that he does not have to take the blame.The text msg is just so telling.

So, get yourself legal advice, the sooner the better, you are likely to be in a good situation (and he knows it).As a sahm you will be protected and if he is a high earner you are likely to be OK.

I'm in a similar situation and I know how scary it feels, you're also likely to be in shock as the reality of this sinks in but please know there is a brighter future.It has helped me to keep a positive journal, listing all the good things in my life.Also keep a separate list of his selfish behaviour, when you see it in black & white it will reinforce why you need to drive this through.

I like your name newlifeforme.

Unfortunately I just can't see a happy ending for me. He has whole teams of lawyers working for him and I have seen how ruthless he can be with people who've crossed him.

He has sent you an emoticon, but he hasn't called?

He has the communication skills of a louse, in any case.

Either he is playing you to see if you're serious or he doesn't give a shit either way.

I'm sorry. Single life couldn't be worse.

Weirdly he just text to tell me he has got an early meeting tomorrow and will then go straight to his office. Like nothing's happened.

If he is ruthless you need to shut down your communication and stop telling him stuff. He isn't going to respond the way a tiny part of you still wants him to. To listen to a person (even one you aren't in love with, even one you don't like) cry themselves to sleep every night would be more than most people could bear. Personally I think the emoticon was sarcastic, you know, like 'Boo hoo'?

Get RL support and look after you and yours.

I read your post, adeu and it was so like my own situation, almost 3 years ago I had to post! Like you we had met at uni , 20 years together and him a business man with plenty of opportunity and time to pursue "other interests" I was at the same place you were - emailing him and getting little in return despite feeling my life was tumbling round me ( I was also abroad so further complicated by that) he was cold and apparently unfeeling about it all!

Eventually after a year of " trying to fix things" ( just me as it turned out ) I decided enough was enough and made plans to return to the uk with my DC's.

It later transpired there was an OW and recently I discovered she's been in his life since the first " I'm not sure how I feel about our marriage " conversation - surprise surprise!!

Anyway, what I wanted to say was I returned and am now doing amazingly well, great house, great job and loads of friends - old and new - including a fantastic new man who is so totally different to him but " adores me " I am very wary of a new relationship, but we've been going slowly and life couldn't be better.

When you said about crying yourself to sleep with him lying there doing nothing that struck a chord as I remember doing that and that despair. This could be your lowest point - but only if you make the move to change things now. Don't leave it any longer! I hated what I'd become and worried my children would remember me as constantly sad and unhappy and made the move . I hope you do that for your children too.

Financially it's tough sometimes and I sometimes wish I wasn't the only one nagging about homework , cleaning rooms etc but it is what it is! Be warned though- if he's self employed he may try to hide assets, so make sure you are armed with the facts before you leave - I wish I had! Good luck!