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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please.

10 replies

Pollyd76 · 27/03/2014 14:37

I posted before Christmas about problems with my marriage. But decided to give things another chance for the sake of my 2 dc 6 and 4. Things improved for a while but recently have deteriated again. Dh found out at the weekend that I have been secretly smoking again and called me a "scummy bitch" and said scum always comes back out in the end! I know I now need to end the marriage but want to try and make it as easy as possible for dc. Any advice greatfully recieved.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2014 15:00

Does saying things to you like 'scummy bitch' mean that he's normally abusive? Do you feel safe or do you think you need to get out quickly?

Original poster

Pollyd76 · 27/03/2014 16:00

Never physically abusive. I am certain he would never hurt me.

OP posts:

mrsfuzzy · 27/03/2014 16:43

are you really certain ? i used to think that about my ex husband until he tried to kill me with a knife, get out, and get help fast.

Amicus1966 · 27/03/2014 17:14

That's a bit strong.
Suppose he has no bad habits whatsoever?
Smoking is not illegal.... Yet.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2014 17:36

If you don't think you're in immediate danger then please seek legal advice and, at the same time, confide in one or two trusted friends or family - people who can give you moral and practical support and who won't try to talk you out of sticking around.

It is not possible to make it easy for your DCs but it's generally less upsetting for them if you and your STBX can be cooperative, considerate, give them as much stability as possible, and make a big effort to turn a bad marriage into a good split.

Original poster

Pollyd76 · 27/03/2014 19:37

Thank you for advice. I have some very supportive friends and work colleagues. I have already sought legal advice. The problem is that dh doesn't see that there is a problem in our marriage and despite his outburst at the weekend in which he also told me to leave him and the dc and that it is me intent on destroying the marriage, he has gone back to acting like nothing happened.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/03/2014 20:21

He probably isn't going to take you seriously until he has a solicitor's letter. That, together with the abusive language, telling you to leave and accusing you of single-handedly destroying things still worries me because it sounds like a man thrashing about trying to retain control. When you say things had deteriorated recently, what exactly has been happening?

Original poster

Pollyd76 · 27/03/2014 20:42

I have just realised that no matter how much we both try that I am never going to be happy if I stay with him. I fell out of love along time ago ( if I ever was in the first place) and have become more confident in myself. I think we have both changed over our 18 years together. But he wants to keep his easy looked after life

OP posts:

Papaluigi · 27/03/2014 21:20

Get rid, smoke all you want, when you wnat. Your life, your choices.

Gettingmeback · 28/03/2014 07:14

You've obviously decided to leave, that's clear. I can see why after that degrading comment. There's no real easy way to do that but there are smart ways. Take the other posts advice and see a solicitor and start the ball rolling. This is a dangerous time if he has potential for violence so get your RL support in place and a safety plan.

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