DP finance mess - am i also to blame and how do you get the trust back?

[foolforlove]

Medium term lurker, first time posting. Will try not to drip feed. apologies that it is so long.

DP and I have been together 3 years. 18 month old DD. Engaged and pregnant within the first year - all planned and very happy. Whilst on maternity leave (about a year ago) we saw a financial planner and sorted through everything - a bit like doing a finance MOT.

We sorted insurance, pension, did finance risk assessments, got everything on the table. I have a savings personality (my dad was rubbish with money growing up, got into massive debt, hid it from my mum and the bank took the house when I was a teenager). I vowed never to lose control of my finances. DP has a spending personality (mostly because he used to work in roles with decent commissions - so if he got into debt - he'd have cash to pay it off later)

we have a joint account that wages go into and separate credit cards as well. I always pay off my credit card. It came out he had about 10,000 in credit card debt. Financial adviser suggested using some of my savings to clear the debts. I transferred money to make it happen. We're a team, right?

Fastforward 6-12 months and I'm more and more aware we don't seem to be saving any money, going backward actually even with me back at work FT. And also that we are living a bit too extravagantly. everything from nights out - to stupid investments on part shares in race horses (and we don't have that sort of money - more like 500 pounds for a 1% share). Yes we are idiots.

I finally sit down and go through one months worth of spend - every detail. I'm horrified to realise not only do we get through all our wages but we overspend by about 20%. And there's a transfer that came out of our savings for another 2500 for racing on top of that.

We sit down and go through it - and it comes out that it's not just money from the current account that we're going through. The credit card debt is still 10,000. racked up again and he's taken a personal loan out to pay it off. the racing transfer was a mistake - meant to be 250 and will be transferred back. i feel sick about it but also feel like i am to blame also - i was enjoying the extravagance too and not delving into it. he'd even mentioned consolidating the cards into a personal loan and I was so wrapped up in work and DD that I just didn't get into the detail.

it's 3 weeks on and i can't shake the feeling/haven't been able to have the big confrontation that i know i need to have. to get to the point to take out a personal loan - he must have been chased by credit card companies for months - which meant he hid that from me. he ripped up and put a statement from one of his credit card companies straight in the bin the same day it all came out and told me later it was just a final statement on the transfer. I don't believe him. And the racing transfer hasn't come back into our account yet.

We fought about it a week or so ago and he accused me of not trusting him and believing he was a liar. I said it was about transparency and moving forward. He sent me a screen grab of his total bank accounts and I saw that the total amount owing was more like 15K.

He's given me his last credit card and his current account card. I've done a strict budget that he's keeping to and only giving him small amounts of cash. He's on board with it all and feeling really positive and you can see he's actually happier.

But I can't shake the feeling that there is still more to come. He believes he's being transparent. I want access to his passwords/bank accounts and statements. If we budget properly we can pay it off over time. (a lot of time) But I'm scared it will get worse if I don't take control now.

Am I just being a fool? I can focus on the sorting the money bit but I'm lost on how to sort the relationship. I thought we had a strong partnership where we were open with each other. Now I don't trust him and feel like I'm hiding from a proper confrontation about it. Everything else about our relationship is great - but at the same time, it can't be if he was hiding this can it?

"I'll do the budget and the pocket money and the monitoring so he can learn and so I can be protected. I am going to get a credit report to check again. And he has to demonstrate he is committed to change and earn back my trust. I've told him he has to change in that time. I'm not going to be his mother handing out pocket money for ever. And not talking about challenges or issues aling the way is not an option".

By doing all the above anyway, you are still acting as his mother/enabler/provoker. You're still policing all the funds and micro managing him. These are all characteristics behaviours of what is really a dysfunctional relationship. You are basically continuing to do the same old as you have done before expecting different results this time around. It is of no surprise to me at all that your own dad and mum had a similar sort of set up to what you have now; we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Is this really what you want to teach your child about relationships; that it is ok to bail out and enable financially reckless men. He will bleed you dry financially as well as emotionally in time.

I'll say it again.
Make sure you recoup the money you have spent on him and ensure he still pays up a fair share, proportional to his salary on joint expenditure (rent, bills, etc).
He should be able to live on bare minimum until his debts, including to you, are repaid.

then dump him

foolforlove
I am in a similar situation but I'm 7 years further down the line than where you are. I had my children quite quickly within meeting DP, bought into the dream of owning a house together. Within months of moving in, I discovered DP had debt issues and despite what I thought we had was an honest relationship, it was only after I saw the pile of unopened mail piling up in his home office, and after repeated encouragement for him to open them (he NEVER did) that I decided to go ahead and open his mail. It was horrific. Debts, CCJs, bailiffs threats. Debts to the tune 7 years and counting later of £50,000+

My dp has a personality disorder. He is a spender, he has no pension, he cannot save. He doesn't want to. He will not action any of his debt because he doesn't see any of it as a priority. He is a VP and earns in excess of 6 figures. You'd never know looking at him. that he has a problem. He is a risk taker. He has a much higher risk tolerance threshold. He used to have a very 'single man' mentality despite a wife and two kids. He never ever saw the point of security over our heads because the welfare state would bail him out. One day he is living on a park bench, the next he is running a multi-million £ business. I kid you not this is all true. I think it skews his mind because he is able to achieve anything he wants, almost easily, and therefore, money is no big deal to him. It's not what drives him.

And I know for certain he will inherit a huge six figure inheritance sum anyway. He'll be one of those guys who will always be alright & lucky.

From the very early days I took control of all bills and ensured direct debit payments. I NEVER missed a bill. It also meant I could never give up work and my maternity leave had to be cut short. DP's wages used to be very erratic. It also meant we could NEVER marry. No way would I risk my children's inheritance, my hard saved pension, my assets everything. I got a declaration of trust put in place which provides legal recognition of the portion I own in our house and I had my will written and 'ring fenced' . My pension, life insurance etc etc...all goes to my kids.

You have to be a bit smart about this. What in the event you died? What happens to your assets? DON'T EVERY MARRY YOUR DP.

I am in the processes of selling our house and buying my own outright.

Why am I still with him? He's a GREAT dad, he is actually very kind in many other ways, he has never and I'm confident will never, cheat on me (he grew up with a cheating dad) . He has some fantastic qualities.

My agreement therefore, he is to keep having a job and he pays me a large monthly sum for 'house and child maintenance'. And he's been reliable and has not broken his word on that. What he does with the rest of his money and his debt, I don't even want to know. I used to help him but for my own mental health, I've had to walk away from solving his debt. You cannot solve it for him, only if he wants to, he will.

Hope this helps. Sorry this is long but I wanted to relay this so you can make your own choice and learn to live smartly with it.

I would not have a joint account with someone like this.

I am struggling to see where you are to blame for these debts in any way OP.

Agree with others - his debts are not your business. This man has the potential to be (financially) just like your father.

Is the £2500 mistake transfer now back in your account?

and what lweji said.

OP can you see that YOU are his commission cheque now?

Oh it gets worse! I am sorry but he sounds horrible! He sounds like a shallow dumb show off! How can you even be attracted to, or in love with a man like this? It is beyond me.

How do you think he will manage to change ?