Did the things which brought you to orgasm change totally after childbirth?

[Bumbandit]

I've name changed for this because I post quite a lot and this is a bit of an - ahem- intimate subject.

Ok, so the back story to this question is that I had a really bad birth experience - the kind of one which makes midwives reading your notes suck their teeth and say 'Oh love, you really WERE unlucky weren't you.' ONE of the things which went wrong was that DS got stuck whilst I was at the pushing stage and the midwife didn't believe me when I panted out that I couldn't do this. After over an hour and a half of pushing on a very stuck baby (which is EXCRUTIATINGLY painful and very, very frightening) my lovely DH insisted that as I had been giving it some serious welly and the baby's heartbeat wasn't getting any closer, he wanted me to see a consultant NOW.

I've done all my grieving for that, contacted the Birth Trauma Association, cried a lot and had some great HV support. I'm sure if I was planning on having another I'd be having birth nightmares, but as it is, its old (5 year old) water under the bridge now.

However, since then I've really struggled to come to orgasm - what used to work for me before (small vibe plus G spot) doesn't even come close now. It has led to a few very, very frustrating years for me and DH. But I recently found that a Hitachi Wand (which is one major earth mover of a vibe with sound effects to match) plus a friendly finger up the arse does wonders. And it just DIDN'T before.

I'm delighted that we've found something that 'works' for me but because a vibe that big is so hard to incorporate into sex I often feel a bit like I am being 'serviced' afterwards. Even I find it hard to see my new 'earth mover' vibe as sexy. DH is lovely.. patient, kind and pleased that I am no longer sobbing at three am because I'm so turned on and there is no release (as well as feeling distinctly 'broken').

I've seen gynaes who were next to useless but who did mention that it was possible that some ' nerve damage' may have occurred. But apparently that's all a bit of a mystery to the medical profession, and they knew of no specialists working on it - as opposed to people working on erectile dysfunction of which there are gazillions.

So what I wanted to ask those of you who had a vaginal birth, and perhaps even ones who had a birth where the baby got 'stuck', have you had a similar experience? Did it feel like someone had 'moved the furniture around' after childbirth? I honestly don't think this is emotional trauma - it feels like a mechanical change to me. Also, has anyone found anything that works in the same way as the Hitachi Wand but which a/ isn't enormous and b/ doesn't entail plugging in like you're recharging a phone? It's rather off-putting...

Thank you for that MrsKent, v thoughtful.of you..ElQuinto did sound like she had had a hell of a time.

I had a stuck baby and a forceps delivery. For quite a while things did feel different down there. The actual centre of desire felt different - probably from the cutting. It's all gone back more or less as it was now, but it takes a while.

About how long would you say Lois? I am at 5 yrs now...might things come right in a few more years time. I had kind of assumed that after five years this was the way it was going to be now...

Difficult to say, as I've not had a regular sex life. I've not been married or had many relationships. I do still get some pain if someone "leans on" my episiotomy scar. I've wondered about corrective surgery because it is so deep and the edges don't really meet - but maybe that's normal.

Anyway, I've noticed in the last few years that my libido has gone through the roof and I'm feeling things more generally down there. If I say I had my daughter 27 years ago, don't cry. I'm sure it won't take 20 years for you...

Oh WOW

By which time I will be (counts on fingers) 67! (Not that 67 year olds are not entitled to a ripping time between the sheets).

But just...wow. I had hoped you'd say 'Not to worry Bumbandit it'll all be hunky dory in a year's time. Or two'.

This hospital has a really good unit that specialises in pelvic health

www.stgeorges.nhs.uk/service/gynaecology/urogynae-and-female-pelvic-medicine/

If you Google those terms with the area where you live hopefully you'll find out.

I would hope there are similar services elsewhere but then I don't know.
I didn't go there. I ended up going private as there were too many hoops to jump through with my GP. It cost a fortune but I really feel I got my body back. Please PM me if you want details of where I went.

If your GP and gynae are unsympathetic I really don't know how you could get referred. Really push for a referral though. Have you tried making an appointment at the hospital where you gave birth to discuss how the birth went? I've heard it's possible when births have been traumatic as it helps with the healing process. As part of that process I wonder if you could talk about the physical issues you are having and get referred that way.

It'd be interesting to hear from someone who's had GP referral.

Another Name Changer here...to agree how brilliant pelvic physios are.

Your birth sounds very traumatic and I'm not affected by the orgasm thing in the same way but am very aware that things are different down there.

Not quite the same situation:

• very long birth 13 years ago with long labour (slow to establish) extended pushing and a retained placenta
• second birth was fine
• in last 18 months aware that I haven't been right since the first birth and have had a prolapse which has been there to some extent or other for years but is now worse. Can still orgasm but echoing what you have said I have constantly referred to myself as 'broken' sexually as I feel it doesn't look right. My libido is impacted which makes sex with my partner an effort and penetration doesn't always feel 'right' or satisfying anymore.

Anyway - definitely seek out a good women's physio. I agree you can't seem to get referred to them on the NHS - not even offered to me - so I went private which was a hefty investment - but worth it. Mine was amazing - we would discuss all sorts and nothing would be TMI! A very different relationship to that with a doctor. Made me much more aware of the structures down there and gave me confidence even though no solution - I feel more in control of the situation. I'm in the East of England - if you think you might be near me PM me for a recommendation.

Good luck with sorting it out. It really is important.

OP, I can still orgasm through PIV sex. Same as ever and sex drive is still the same (about twice a week).

But just the idea of fingers inside my vagina makes me feel ill. Think it's a mental aversion rather than a physical discomfort, IYSWIM.

Also, I'm really afraid of feeling ragged edges or my scar tissue. I think that's another thing that scares me off using my fingers.

all this time I've thought I was the only one. I can't even get off the starting blocks. I'm sure it's physiological, not psychological. I had a very long labour, 4.7kg baby, forceps and nerve damage that led to incontinence (which has improved).

I cry whenever I think of how broken my bits seem to be. Am I ever going to have enjoyable sex again? I do it only for dh but I never enjoy it. Last time, I just cried and cried. It upset him so much he hasn't approached me since. I suspect hcp will just fob me off with 'you are just tired running after a toddler'but it really isn't that. I'm broken, sexually dysfunctional and I can't even think about it without crying. I'm interested to hear this is a 'thing'and I'm not the only one, but also afraid that it seems to be something that doesn't just resolve itself.

Oh learnasyougo, you poor sweetheart! It is SO horrible to feel 'broken'. I've done a fair bit of crying and crying too. BIG HUG.

It seems like it is a bit of a 'thing' and some of us are finding different routes forward...slowly...tentatively. Have you tried talking with anyone about this except DH or is this the first time for you? It sounds like its really painful for you. BIG HUG again.

Here's another thought folks - there's been some research recently done by two female gynaes which stated that the clitoris is basically huge - its roots are far, far more extensive than the tip, so.that it can be conceptualised a bit like a folded up napkin held upside down with the 'point'being the bit of your body you usually think of as being the clitoris and the rest being under the skin. They identified one kind of orgasm (which frankly is the only kind I have ever experienced) which involves the stimulation of the clit and clitoral root, rather than just the clit itself.

What if what has happened to some of us is that having big babies/interventions etc has caused some of that clitoral 'root' to be damaged, whilst other bits have been stretched or moved to places we aren't expecting them? So it may be a question of physio to recover as much functionality as poss in the bits we are familiar with, and being prepared to try different kinds of stimulation or vibes, and different 'combinations' of points, perhaps on our own, until we find something or several somethings that work?

lois I had a similar experience when I had DD1 30 years ago - she was stuck because her arm was over her head (can you imagine!) After 12 hour labour when she was obv in distress as was I, I had a forceps delivery (luckily not a Caesar which was considered) and vowed never to have another baby fr a very long time. Sex life went downhill and it was only cos we did want a second child that 4 years later DD2 arrived. But sex was definitely no longer enjoyable for a very long time. Something def happened as a result of first difficult birth. But orgasms did come back eventually, mainly clitoral though.

Bumbandit I am in my 60s and sex def got better with age! You won't lose anything by finding a good women's physio - there weren't any such things when I had probs and in fact no-one spoke of such things - it was just considered 'normal' that we didn't enjoy sex after having children :-(

Notyet ma'am I salute you and look forward to my saucy sixties! I just meant it is a heck of a way away from now and I was hoping for some help sooner rather than later.

I am really sad for you that it was considered 'normal' to not like sex after childbirth, but am curious too - does that mean that it was acknowledged that some women's bits weren't working the way they did before? Or was it more along the lines of 'well its for your husband really?'

Honestly, I have half a mind to look up these female researchers and suggest this as their next research topic..One of the things a gynae said to me was there is next to no research in this area, because there's no funding - unlike for erectile dysfunction where the pharma companies can make fortunes.

We need some details about what has happened to us, what we can do about it, and some gynaes need to be a WHOLE lot better informed about what can happen to a woman's body and relationship after birth.

What do you think, should I look them up and suggest it to them?

Oh, what an excellent thread! I am really sorry that some of you are having/had such problems, but it's just really nice to know that there are other people in a similar situation.

Now I don't really have any sex issues like some of you, but I can still get really upset when I think about my episiotomy - a long cut downward toward my right buttock. The stitches came undone because my bits swelled up and they couldn't stitch me up again, so it had to heal on its own. The healing took weeks and it was so painful, the birth itself was nothing in comparison. And it has left a gaping hole. I went for a checkup at the hospital 6 weeks after birth, but the gyno said it was all fine.

I don't really have any functional problems, but when I finally looked in the mirror a few months after birth, I was so shocked. A massive hole! Sex is fine, no pain, but I just hate the way it looks. My DH has never mentioned it and it doesn't seem to bother him.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Sorry to go a bit OT from OP's question and concerns! Hopefully it's okay to expand the discussion a bit ;)

No problem MissCH! I have a friend in a similar position - third degree tears, plus episiotomy, plus internal tears. No problems with 'functionality' as such but felt ugly because of all those scars and so didn't want DH anywhere near her. They found sex therapy as a couple helped.

Aww, thanks for the thoughts, bumbandit! May PM you later, I haven't NCd on here, so not sure what I'd like to share.

As to Musketeers, I'll let you wenches fight over them. They're all lovely, but no one makes me slide off my seat, IYKWIM. And - laughing here - the allure of men and swords is very real with me, albeit dulled a tad by repetition (DP & I are reenactors, and a lot of our friends are of the swishy-pokey persuasion). My tastes run to the slightly odd: Alan Rickman in general, but esp as Professor Snape. Jim Howick, esp if he sings to me during. Jarvis Cocker, but he has to quit smoking. I could go on...

I feel certain that my bits did not wither away mainly due to assiduous masturbation. Although I've not been in relationships much, I've kept everything moving down below, and the result seems to be I'm more sensitive than I was before I had a baby. Which is nice.

Just wanted to agree with you bumbandit that i have never felt so out of control or ignored as when DS got stuck for a good couple of hours and no-one listened This was with my second child and despite my first birth being medically much worse (severe hemorrhage in addition to forceps), i was - and still am to some degree - traumatised by it definitely

I can't comment on orgasms etc as H didn't really shake my world massively before and then left me whilst DC2 was still young. i can still find pleasure alone but did take me some time.

Good luck - i would say having a loving & supportive OH is half the battle won

Please feel free Pedant! Only half joking about Musketeers (or Prof Snape, as you please). I think once sex has become something which is fraught and upsetting with your partner, you can tend to block off all sexual feelings because they feel too 'dangerous'. A harmless fantasy or two about totally inaccessible sex gods ahem ACTORS can help you recondition yourself to see sexual feelings as something light and fun. As long as you don't get crazily obsessed or anything.

Well that's my excuse anyway...

And Lois am laughing at 'assiduous masturbation'!

It did come over a bit Miriam Margolyes didn't it? You know what I mean though. I would do it even if I didn't much feel like it because I was worried I'd never feel the same down there.

Hi Fushandchups, I am sorry you had a bad birth experience TWICE and doubly sorry that your marriage broke up afterwards. That's really hard.

Lois, I just had these images of a timer going off and you dusting down your hands and saying brusquely 'Right! Masturbation time! No excuses!'

But I guess I 'made' myself at least try and experiment with what felt nice alone because I knew that was much lower pressure on me than with DH. Fortunately I 'work at home'....ahem.

Well I do try and fit it in each evening, if you'll excuse the pun.

Crikey! That WAS assiduous Lois!