Having the talk

[lavenderhoney]

I'm planning to tell my dh its all over and I want a divorce. He isn't going to be very happy about it. I've asked in the past and he has stormed off, refused and told me I'm crazy. He has no problem discussing our problems with or infront of dc age 7 and 4:( he is not a nice man and he is going to be very nasty indeed, I think.

I left almost 3 months ago ( we did live overseas, he is still there and will be for the future , and he is not from the UK) and now is the time. I should have done it before but for various reasons the solicitor said to wait ( financial). I have to talk to her this week and get things moving but I obviously have to tell dh what's coming.


I need some advice on how to handle it, what to say, and what to do with his reactions. And what to expect. I'm bricking it, frankly:(

[RandomMess]

Will the sale raise enough equity to house you and the dc in the UK? If you are going to be main carer and he has high earning potential and works all over the world I think the courts would favour you getting a high %age of the equity as you won't always be able to chase him for maintenance?

Definitely get legal advice.

[lavenderhoney]

Christ he's just been on the phone and very very nasty.

He says I'm selfish to break up the family and he wants to live with the dc. He says I cannot do this to him and he is very angry.

He also continued shouting at me even though I kept saying the dc had showed up so I cut him off. He rang back twice to berate me for being a dreadful wife, person and all round bitch who was stopping him living with his kids:(

Fucking hell, it was dreadful. He also wanted to know where my new job is and I wouldn't tell him. He was so aggressive I couldn't think why he cared where I worked and the last thing I want is any trouble at work. I've only just started there.

He is still convinced everything was fine and now I've been in the UK and suddenly I want to divorce. He says he has done nothing wrong and when I said please stop all this - you know its Mother's Day today as the dc told you and has it occurred to you that its my first without my mum?" I thought I was going to cry.

And he paused a second and carried on telling me how shit I was and how I couldn't just decide to break up the family. He said he had done nothing wrong and it was my decision to ruin the dc lives and his.

[Meerka]

I think lavender you need to start watching your arse.

Tell him as little as you can, keep all documents safe and if you can make sure he can't access your money or has any way to run up debts in your name.

I hate to ask but is there any chance of him trying to take the children?

Hopefully this is worrying way too much and the nastiness is just hot air (horrible as it is) but I also think you need to think self-protectively now.

Also, is it possible to say that unless he can moderate his tone you want all further communication through a solicitor?

Keep going

[JupiterGentlefly]

Can you change your number? My friend did and then got a cheap PAYG and gave that number to her ex
it made her feel a bit more in control and would switch it off after a certain time of day
it would be easy to say cut him off completely but when my ex was abusive not having any access to me enraged him and of course you have lots of things to sort out.

[hamptoncourt]

Lavender I think now is the time to stop any contact that isn't through your solicitor. Just do not answer the phone to him.

If he turns up unannounced call the police if he is banging on the door, refusing to leave, being abusive.

If it makes you feel better you can send me one text saying you will no longer be accepting his calls because he is aggressive and abusive. Does he have your sols details?

And yes, what PP have said, tell him as little about your life and plans as you can.

Good luck.

[RandomMess]

I too really worry what he may do as he's an entitled arse. What nationality is he? I know you said you have the dc passports but I would consider registering them as an abduction risk to ensure they don't end up being issued with duplicates. Also could your H get them passports from his home country?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

This is how he reacts to you calmly initiating the conversation. Imagine if you'd flatly said you were sick of his cheating bullying arse and planning to take him for every penny you could.

[lavenderhoney]

I don't want to stop him on Skype because the dc want to see him and talk to him. And if he is rude to me or says he wants to talk then just stares at me not speaking ( wtf) until I say " what do you want to talk about?"

He sent me another abusive message full of bile - he still harps on that something MUST have happened after I left to make me want to leave, ie an affair to make me give up on trying with our marriage. How much is too much trying?:(

Then I got another pleading with me to try again and he doesn't want to lose us and money. I'm exhausted. How long will this go on for? And what will he do next? Is there a pattern?

He is saying he wants to share care. That's black humor. He has never done bedtime in 7 years. Or stories - he falls asleep in their beds and they cry. Or bath time. Or breakfast. Or school. Or doctors. Or anything boring and day to day. Well, he did when I was at my dm funeral. And we know how that turned out. My babysitter has more idea of the routine than him.

[marriednotdead]

Sorry he's still being an arse today of all days Lavender

It tells you all you need to know about exactly why your decision to leave him/the ME was and still is 100% correct.

These people have a very useful set of contacts and info should you feel the need to watch your back wrt the DCs- I got advice from them many moons ago when DD was small and ex was threatening to take her if I dared to leave him

You cannot afford to be paralysed by fear, which is what he is currently counting on. I remember that feeling and it isn't there anymore- something I couldn't envisage at the time. It's very empowering the first time you realise you've reached that point

Happy Mother's Day, your DCs know you're amazing no matter what

And yes, when you're wading through the shit, keep going! have an unmumsnetty hug

[marriednotdead]

I know it is scary but you need to send him a blunt message. One that says all future contact via Skype will be terminated immediately if he stares/is abusive/attempts to intimidate you. And that if he tries to disregard that, any future contact will be only via a solicitor.
Then follow through.

[cjel]

OH LAVENDER, so sorry to hear all these things.I am tempted to think that this is bullying to try and get his own way, Hopefully they are not things he will do. I used to find that H ranted like this and I worried and cried for days while he was happy. Once I was so scared by all the things h was saying I had to ring my solicitor in a panic and she had to calm me down. The nest day after i had no sleep and couldn't eat he turned up wit a kiss, christmas card and pressie - No concept of what he'd ranted the day before. I finally learnt that I was in control of my life and didn't have to listen any more. It is hard while you have young DCs but please try an limit contact to solicitors. If he has to speak to dcs, don't get involved let them have their time and then disconnect. It will make him mad but that is not your problem any more. He can be a dad but doesn't have to be in your life any more.

[lavenderhoney]

I haven't replied to him. I'm worried and upset with the startling about face. The bitter things he said, then begs to try again.

Donkeys, that made me :)

The thing is, he has had so many chances. And he would expect sex. He pointed out I haven't wanted to sleep with him for a long time.

Another chance means sex. I don't want sex with him. I'd rather be celibate. Its very difficult for me. I see his point and because of his job I wouldn't have to interact with him much. But I don't want to share a bed with him. I don't want to have him laying about tired at the weekend because he's worked so hard. And tbh, being here alone with the dc, there's nothing different about it from my married life in the Middle East, because I did everything anyway there.

I don't miss him for anything. I knew I would cope. People said it would be hard and I just thought - it won't. How can it be hard? Its hard now- I do everything, am expected to be grateful and provide a shag. Lovely. And I certainly don't miss being woken up by some drunken bloke wanting sex.

So- I say to myself - what exactly are you bringing to the party?

I just don't need him. And the dc don't need him. He has never been there for their emotional and physical needs. Am I being weird? He says I am.

Also, he shouted at me for not sending his parents pics or calling them. I pointed out they hasn't bothered to call either ( no surprise there) and he told me I wasn't to tell anyone I was in the UK. He blustered. I've updated my social media wrt my location.

[Meerka]

No, you're not being weird.

And your wants and needs have every right to be considered. No way should you provide sex-on-demand. That went out in the 1930's.

From what you have reported here, his reactions are actually pretty much what you expected. Nice then nasty then nice then nasty. This is the storm, and it will carry on a while. You've got mumsnet and hopefully a friend or two who don't back off.

Also, this nasty-then-nice, which I gather is pretty typical of him, is very much the reaction of an extremely childish man who is unable to relate in any adult way.

Please be careful what you post on social media. The less info the better, I should think.

What does your solicitor say atm?

[cjel]

AAh, I sometimes feel embarrassed that I haven't even felt like 'seeing' anyone else in 2 anda half years, (OK so my agoraphobia doesn't help!) but after spending 35 years doing what someone else wanted and being woke by some drunk bloke who now has time to think of me - after his busy life- being celibate and on my own has been lovely. Don't think you're strange or weird, I love sleeping all night with no one else! I feel crap/alone/unable to cope for short times(Minutes/hours) but quickly get over it and enjoy my life.
I was more lonely with him than I've been without him. The hardest bit was getting through the crap while sorting out the formalities like you are now. You've had a taste of what you should live like so hang on and 'this too will pass'x

[fluffyanimal]

Found you Lavender
Wish I had some concrete advice for you but all the PPs seem to have it covered. Just wanted to say well done for biting the bullet. Now it is a question of weathering the storm but the skies will clear eventually.

You said your H says he has a plan - well he sure does but it has nothing to do with financial or contact arrangements. His only plan is to destabilise and paralyse you enough to keep you where he wants you. Please don't forget this. As the others have said, the more you can organise to be self-reliant the better. Thinking of you xxx

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

For me personally 'sexy time' is about trust, appreciation, reassurance. Okay sometimes it satisfies an itch or is pure lust. But it's tough letting go and being intimate with somebody who you don't much like at the time. Pestering for gratification makes what should be special feel more of a chore - even tawdry.

So if you are no longer sexually attracted to your partner after the turmoil of the past year + it doesn't surprise me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Talk to my solicitor'

... is the only phrase that should pass between you from now on. Preferably in writing. Keep a record of any abusive texts or e-mails. Limit Skype to contact with the children and switch it off immediately afterwards. Have you started the divorce process formally?

[beachyhead]

Just wanted to add my support, Lavender. I followed your last thread and you've come so far - house, school and job. Well done.

All the advice on here is, as always, fantastic. Like Cog says, it's about keeping calm and keeping notes, so you have a record of the whole thing.

[lavenderhoney]

Bizarrely he has reverted to emailing me as though none if the weekends conversations happened. The last one i got yesterday was asking to try again and not destroy the marriage and his and dc lives with my selfishness. Which I ignored.

Then today a load of emails as though we are a happy couple. Its so weird. Nothing about coming over, no anger, just chitter chatter and being nice. I don't know how to respond to it, but I just replied with the info. I wonder if he thinks his nice/ nasty/ begging has worked and now I've said my thing its all back to " normal".

The solicitor said I could file now or wait for him to calm down then file. She suggested we get all ready to go ahead which I agreed. She said he was volatile and perhaps it would be better to wait til the news has sunk in for him.

I haven't put anything on social media, just updated I'm in the UK. No ones noticed:)

I'm quite stunned by his audacity. And quite wary now, as if I say again " we won't live together again" and bring up divorce he will freak out and say he has apologised and what more do i want?

[cjel]

I think you should follow the solicitors advice, but don't get drawn in tho answering any of his emails. He could think that you are resuming a relationship. Stay focused don't allow him to confuse youx

[fluffyanimal]

Agree with Cjel, don't get drawn in. This is your time to begin detaching now, communicate only regarding contact with DC and the practicalities of separation. Your solicitor sounds clued up.

[Meerka]

agreed.

When he gets the papers though, he'll throw another wobbly. I think that every time this comes up (if you do talk to him again) then he will keep on throwing wobblies. Likely, you need to prepare yoruself for that. It'll get easier as it goes on .... in the end you grow a thick skin to that kind of thing. I wonder if you'll simply wake up one day and find that his tantrums no longer affect you?

If you give him skype time with the children, don't engage with him personally but stay in the room so that you can hear what he says. From what you say, there's a chance he'll start slagging you off to them too, which woudl have to be nipped in the bud quickly. Other than that, contact through the solicitor is best.

[lavenderhoney]

I'm worried if I calm him down I'm still going to divorce him anyway. So I'm just prolonging the nightmare.

I just don't want to be with him. I don't feel wronged or anything, I just feel indifferent and if I think about trying again I know I will be unhappy again and I don't want to sleep with him. The thought makes me cringe and I can feel myself starting to cry with the not wanting to and how triumphant he feels after and how he enjoys knowing he has had sex with me iywim. The day after and he's all happy and sideways looks at me. I hate it. It makes me feel bad.

But I can't tell him that.

[fluffyanimal]

Lavender I'm like you, I hate prolonging bad situations and just want to get them over. I can understand the appeal of just going ahead and filing as soon as the paperwork is ready. I also believe that whether or not he calms down now, when he does get the papers he will blow up again, as it seems to be his tactic to try to browbeat you emotionally and it is part of his routine. If you want to press ahead maybe you should go with your gut.

You don't have to justify your reasons for leaving to him. You don't have to tell him what you said above. I doubt if it would make a blind bit of difference to him. You know what the truth of your relationship is, that is a touchstone of clarity for you to hang on to. xx

[Thetallesttower]

I remember your previous threads, you are well out of there, I'm so happy that you made it to the UK and can now begin this process.

Everyone has given great advice, all contact through solicitors, Skype with children only. I also think you need to take seriously any flight risk, even if you think he's not the type sometimes very proud men simply can't lose face in front of their family.

I would stop reading his emails, let him know that you are only going to respond to communication via your solicitor.

There's no reason for you to read this rubbish just to arrange things.

Good luck with it all, you are doing the right thing completely and you are already much freer than you were before. Don't let him get you a mortgage you need a clean break and to be self-supporting so that hopefully the only contact you will have with him is with the children (if he behaves well).