I needed to know, I snooped and now I know he's no good, now what?

[sosooootired]

Firstly a disclaimer, I have serious trust issues... after 12 years with a husband who just constantly lied and cheated. I had years of signs that he was up to no good but always got fobbed off with every excuse in the book and all the gaslighting you can imagine, until eventually I answered the phone to OW and he could lie no more.
So after thinking I would never ever meet anyone again and be alone forever, I eventually started seeing a new guy 5 months ago. He is awesome, sex is amazing, we have an amazing connection and time together and he is seemingly devoted to me.
But I needed to be certain things were really what they seemed and he wasn't hiding anything from me.
So I'm slightly ashamed to admit I downloaded a keylogger software and recorded his email and facebook passwords.
He is working away for 2 months and I had to test before I commit. He had pledged undying love and asked me to marry him. It has been incredibly romantic and whilst I've felt swept away and very happy I just needed to be sure. I have kids and can't allow myself to be messed around again. I'm terrified of wasting years on a good liar again.
So anyway, cut to the point. He has been away less than a month and already contacted the ex wife of a mutual friend, for friendly chat - 1.5 hrs of fb chat. To my eyes it was totally casting a fishing line and seeing if she would bite. She asked him straight if he was involved with me and he told her I was in love with him but was purposely vague about us.
Now he has also contacted a friend of his friends girlfriend, clearly with the hope of striking up some sort of friendship.
He sent the message to her only 5 mins after sending all sorts of heartfelt beautiful messages to me
I think he probably fits the profile of a man who spends many evenings alone working and is looking for distractions with online romances. Maybe it's an old habit he can't quit. But basically he has not been honest, he is pretending to be someone he isn't.
I know I should just cut all contact, hard as it will be. I am in love with him and have had the most wonderful few months and truly believed I had met an awesome man. The truth now is so fucking depressing.
But what can I tell him to explain?
I feel like blocking him on all mediums is the only way, heart breaking as it is. I almost want to confront him so he can reassure me and make promises etc.. But that route is madness and just my need for this not to be the pile of shit it clearly is.
But he will obviously want to know why I have suddenly ended our relationship and I don't want to explain what I have done.
help please!

I think you should tell him you looked at his FB messages. I think it will do him good to know why he was dumped. His behaviour is awful.

I cannot believe the people who are saying you are in the wrong - you were thinking of getting married to this man, of committing to him for the foreseeable future - not to check up if he is giving you doubts is foolish in the extreme. And clearly your instincts which led you to check were right.

You know the future with him would have been full of this type of behaviour and worse - you have saved yourself all of this and you have the chance to meet a decent man now.

Presumably he's used your computer to log into Facebook which is how you know his password . On many computers and devices it saves the username and password unless you tell it not to , automatic log in .. I sometimes used to think I had logged into my email or Facebook only to be on one of the dcs.

You could say that's what's happened.

thanks everyone,
well it all came out last night. I asked him straight about the girl in question but he just made up some lame story which I had anticipated.

So I explained myself and blocked him and that's that...except now I feel like shit.

I would definitely never ever snoop again

It's not only that ignorance is bliss but also that knowledge is not necessarily power. Who is to know what he might have done..he might have felt bad and changed his ways.. I will never know. Now I have shut down as a matter of principle. But the fact is I miss him already and feel like I'm punishing myself.

You did the right thing. It would only cause much bigger heartache later on if it had got much more intense. There are good men out there, keep up the faith. Well done.

He's done wrong (dodgy messages). You've done wrong (snooping).

Take a deep breath.

Have a proper discussion, just the two of you.

Maybe you can build a strong relationship from this.

Don't give up yet.

Agree with Flipsy.

you're paying the price (feeling bad) for his misdemeanor. At a guess you're feeling sad for the person you thought he was, not the real person he is.

Snooping isnt good but there are times it's a grey area and while it's a trespass on someone's privacy and he could justifiably be angry - in this case I think you've saved yourself a world of grief.

I have trust issues but no reason not to trust dp.

I think its my lack of self esteem but I'm getting better!

I think for me it was coming out of a long horrid relationship and going into a new loving relationship. I put him on a pedestal and then tried to find ways to knock him down. I looked/ look for things that aren't there because I can't believe how lucky I am.

Op, you need to seek help for your self esteem and trust issues. (Need to listen to my own advice).

sosooootired, what was his reaction to what you did? Did he admit to anything in the end? How was it left.

I think if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Although you are hurting right now, you will be fine and better off without him. You should be proud of yourself for being so strong, even if you don't feel it at the moment.

oh dear, I'm as miserable as hell

I was so red mist furious when I saw that he had sent a message introducing himself to 'linda' that I exploded on first contact via facebook and in fact we have only discussed on skype message/ facebook.

Then I immediately blocked him on all mediums - phone/ viber/ whatsapp/ skype/ defriended on fb. although he isn't blocked and can still send messages.

I just didn't want to speak to him then because I knew that giving him a chance to explain just meant listening to lies and I had seen proof that during our romance he had decided to contact another woman after seeing her photos on friends facebook page and discussing how beautiful she is. So there was no point, a clean break was necessary.

When I first asked him to explain about 'linda' he made up a story that he had spoken to her about a house sale weeks ago, I knew this wasn't true as I'd seen his message introducing himself on tuesday.

When I told him straight 'I have read your facebook messages' he tried to stick to the story then it all disintegrated and he took the line of being hurt but accepting my decision. He said more very sweet things about how much he loves me and then that was it.

Since then he has sent me a couple of short texts and fb messages saying how hard it will be to forget me and how I don't understand what I've done to him.

I did try to ask him to be honest. I asked him to explain why? What was the reason for trying to hook up with some random woman he doesn't know if as he claims he's in love with me.

He just insisted I have it all wrong.

We should have talked I realise it's ridiculous and juvenile to break up by message. Especially as english isn't his first language. But I had blocked him on the phone. Now I feel like if he is really desperate to convince me he should ask me to unblock him so we can talk.

But he hasn't.

If he was to admit, I'm bored and lonely working away and I have an old habit of chatting flirting with random women...it would at least be honest.

But as it is - nothing. So I'm having to face the possibility that I have ended my super exciting passionate romance, on the evidence of him showing interest with a woman on facebook. That I only discovered because of my paranoid snooping.

It may never have come to anything and life might have been wonderful, is it possible?

Now I have cut him off completely and I'm miserable by myself. But shouldn't he try his hardest to contact me? Or does he realise he's busted and he's moving on? Or is he backing away because I'm a demented spy?

Groan, thanks for reading this. I feel pathetic and I miss him.

Why on earth do you want him to desperately convince you that you should be together? Come on, you know what he was up to! Read your first and other posts! He was getting contact details of women that he doesn't know and messaging them, telling others that they were attractive whilst seeing you! Oh, and pretending you were into him but not committing to saying he was properly with you. Then he lied, until your evidence made it impossible for him to lie any more. If you want to go out with a liar who tries to chat up other women in the hope of one 'biting', as you called it, when you are supposed to be in the rosy stages of your relationship, then go ahead and message him. Then you can be miserable wondering if he is sending more messages. Ditch the loser- he's too immature to be a decent long term emotional investment.

thanks redroom that is exactly what I need to hear.

I keep telling myself it will get easier and I'm just missing the attention, etc after 5 intense months together. But it's so hard when I look at the horizon which had a half sketched life together ahead. And seriously the best sex of my life, we are amazing together in the bedroom. I know I will never meet anyone like this again.
And I'm 40 with 3 young kids and live in a small town and have a nightmare ex husband stress to battle everyday... this guy has been a wonderful distraction and ego boost for me. And I did despite my determination not to get into a serious relationship start to fall for him and had just introduced him to my kids before he left for this 2 month work trip.

So I do feel deflated and sad. But I will focus on your words redroom you are completely right.

Be careful not to confuse a projected reality (ie your visions of how wonderful the relationship could be in the future if only all of this was t spoiling things) with the actual reality (the guy you are seeing is pretending to other women that he's not particularly attached to you, he is actively contacting them, he is making comments about their physical attractiveness which suggest an agenda which is far from saintly). All of the clues are that he is not the right man to think of building a future with or to consider investing any real trust in. By all means have the great sex if you feel you are capable of doing only that, but getting emotionally involved with a guy like this could leave you hurt x

*wasn't spoiling things

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