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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I needed to know, I snooped and now I know he's no good, now what?

91 replies

sosooootired · 26/03/2014 16:32

Firstly a disclaimer, I have serious trust issues... after 12 years with a husband who just constantly lied and cheated. I had years of signs that he was up to no good but always got fobbed off with every excuse in the book and all the gaslighting you can imagine, until eventually I answered the phone to OW and he could lie no more.
So after thinking I would never ever meet anyone again and be alone forever, I eventually started seeing a new guy 5 months ago. He is awesome, sex is amazing, we have an amazing connection and time together and he is seemingly devoted to me.
But I needed to be certain things were really what they seemed and he wasn't hiding anything from me.
So I'm slightly ashamed to admit I downloaded a keylogger software and recorded his email and facebook passwords.
He is working away for 2 months and I had to test before I commit. He had pledged undying love and asked me to marry him. It has been incredibly romantic and whilst I've felt swept away and very happy I just needed to be sure. I have kids and can't allow myself to be messed around again. I'm terrified of wasting years on a good liar again.
So anyway, cut to the point. He has been away less than a month and already contacted the ex wife of a mutual friend, for friendly chat - 1.5 hrs of fb chat. To my eyes it was totally casting a fishing line and seeing if she would bite. She asked him straight if he was involved with me and he told her I was in love with him but was purposely vague about us.
Now he has also contacted a friend of his friends girlfriend, clearly with the hope of striking up some sort of friendship.
He sent the message to her only 5 mins after sending all sorts of heartfelt beautiful messages to me Sad
I think he probably fits the profile of a man who spends many evenings alone working and is looking for distractions with online romances. Maybe it's an old habit he can't quit. But basically he has not been honest, he is pretending to be someone he isn't.
I know I should just cut all contact, hard as it will be. I am in love with him and have had the most wonderful few months and truly believed I had met an awesome man. The truth now is so fucking depressing.
But what can I tell him to explain?
I feel like blocking him on all mediums is the only way, heart breaking as it is. I almost want to confront him so he can reassure me and make promises etc.. But that route is madness and just my need for this not to be the pile of shit it clearly is.
But he will obviously want to know why I have suddenly ended our relationship and I don't want to explain what I have done.
help please!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 18:42

The BR site is very affirming without being OTT. A bit Americanised but relationships are the same the world over, I think.

Holly300 · 26/03/2014 18:43

Agree with redroom. Totally inappropriate behaviour from him. He's promising you the world whilst trying to make friends random women. Very odd behaviour!

BalloonSlayer · 26/03/2014 18:44

My advice would be that, if you feel that you no longer trust him and that he is shopping around, end it.

If he wants to know why - tell him that you know he is chatting up friends' partners. BUT don't tell him how you know. He might suspect what you've done but he won't know for sure. He will probably assume that they have told you. He will certainly change his password, so you won't be able to look again, which is a good thing, yeah?

Obviously what you did to find this out isn't your finest hour, but what's done is done and am a bit sceptical of the vibes I am getting from some posts which to me come across as people thinking you ought to ignore his behaviour and put up with it simply because the method by which you came across the evidence was "not cricket."

petal02 · 26/03/2014 18:46

In defence of the OP - she obviously felt something wasn't right, she felt the need to snoop, and her gut instinct turned out to be right. Thinking about it, I can't think of anyone whose snooping has revealed innocence. Female intuition is an amazing thing, and if you suspect something is off-kilter, then sadly you're probably right.

And whilst finding "evidence" doesn't completely exonerate her, I don't think her boyfriend can claim the moral high ground either!

Buckteethjeff · 26/03/2014 18:49

I wish I'd read that frickin site before I met my ass hole ex! I think it was wrote about him!

Meh , the last time he dicked me around it prompted me to take up the offer of a date of mr bucktooth - and the rest is history >

Sorry for hijack op!

petal02 · 26/03/2014 18:50

PS - I discovered my ex-husband's affair by looking at his phone. I just had a feeling something wasn't right. When I confronted him, he made out that my snooping somehow 'cancelled out' his affair (in fact he tried to insist my behaviour was a greater trespass) and tried to be the injured party. Cheating is cheating, no matter how its discovered.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 18:51

Would you have listed, jeff ? I wouldn't have. Hindsight is a wonderful thing Smile

AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 18:55

*listened

Original poster
sosooootired · 26/03/2014 19:00

thanks everyone - I so wanted to be wrong

I suppose you can all understand that beneath this is that I'm massively hurt and dumbfounded that I've found another 'assclown' a 'future faker'

It is devastating but I can only console myself I haven't invested years of my life and the kids are not attached to him, they are young and have only met him recently.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 19:01

Of course you can. It's good that you stopped it in it's tracks so soon. Hopefully next time you won't even have to resort to snooping, you will just cut the "Assclowns" off immediately

petal02 · 26/03/2014 19:02

Ah, hindsight ...... Would I have snooped if I could re-live that moment? Probably not to be honest. Once you know something, you have to live with it, and deal with it. Once I realised he was having an affair, it knocked me sideways. I couldn't not confront him, but once I'd done that, the only sensible options were to either leave, or kick him out. And I didn't feel strong enough to do either at the time, so (in his eyes) I'd found out, but he still had his marriage. He'd got away with it, and it was the green light to continue. But this time he went 'underground' and hid his phone, so I had all the same suspicions but no access to any evidence. It drove me up the wall. I would far rather have been blissfully ignorant.

But looking back, if I had never snooped, he would have continued to be careful-ish, and I think his affair would have fizzled out. Mind you, that would still have meant I was married to a cheat, and i would never have met my lovely new husband. But things happen for a reason, don't they?

However I would always advise against snooping, unless you're prepared to deal with anything unsavoury you may find.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 19:07

That's the key, isn't it

Technology these days makes it "easier" to cheat but also easier to find out

Quid Pro Quo ?

Maybe, but only if you deal with it decisively and use the knowledge you gain constructively.

Some people snoop and then still employ the mighty denial and self sabotage pathway. That way madness lies.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 19:08

I can see at least a couple of threads currently active where precisely this is happening but the OP refuses to believe the evidence staring them right between the eyes.

petal02 · 26/03/2014 19:11

If you don't want to run the risk of finding out something unpleasant, then don't go looking!!!!! Ignorance is bliss. Although living with suspicions isn't remotely blissful.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 19:11

Indeed.

Petal02 · 26/03/2014 19:17

Please don't think I'm advocating the 'turn a blind eye' approach (unless you're married to Henry VIII) but the results of snooping can totally turn your life on its head, and be a complete game-changer. Be careful.

Original poster
sosooootired · 26/03/2014 19:17

oh gosh petal and anyfucker you are both so right.

I wish I had never snooped because now I've found exactly what I was afraid to
And yes I was so afraid of the path of denial, inviting him to wrap me in lies and denials. That is why I asked for help here. Mumsnet always knows best.
I have defriended him on fb, blocked his number etc now. I'm dreading the next bit where he accuses me of being a mad woman for cutting him off without explanation. It does seem very wrong and I may well ultimately explain that I've read his messages if thats the only way to cut him off completely.

But its so sad. We were absolutely amazing together and maybe he's just going through a dodgy phase that would peter out...

Yes my final conclusion is that I would never snoop again because it really is shit finding these things out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 19:18

I guess it's the same principle as "be careful what you wish for" (not that anyone wishes to get shafted)

Buckteethjeff · 26/03/2014 19:19

Absolutely not af we were spending Christmas together! I was looking for trees for his place Grin but the cunt moved two mns away from me! that's what kept me hooked.

Found his 'ex' facebook page open explaining what a cunt he was for cheating on her with his db girlfriend. He actually had the three of us on the go! Shock

Luckily Mr Jeff took me out for a 'cheer me up drink' . Is lovely my Mr Jeff

op there are nice guys out there!!

AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 19:20

You weren't "amazing together" though, were you ?

He was still looking out for other opportunities while you were starry eyed about sunsets and happily ever after

there is nothing "amazing" about that

Meerka · 26/03/2014 19:22

sosooootired with the help of those websites, you do at least know what to look for in an arsehole next time. Its not all bad.

Once the sadness and regret is over, you'll be in a stronger position and more wary ... and able to trust the men who -don't- have these red flags a bit more, maybe, because you'll be better at spotting the ones who do. Even if it takes you a couple of years to really allow yoruself to trust someone, not sure that's all that bad a thing, actually.

MadameOvary · 26/03/2014 19:23

OP, I'm glad you are finding BR useful. I have just read the Assclown bit and it EXACTLY describes my ex. Thanks AF! I've been away from him for years and am now with someone who is a good man and decent, but it's good to keep up with these things, keeps my radar fresh!

Enjoyingmycoffee · 26/03/2014 19:24

Enough with the '5 months and talking marriage' is a red flag! My parents were married within 5 months and had a wonderful decades long marriage (both passed away).

OP, you have behaved appallingly. You did this with no suspicions, which really is inexcusable.

However, he has proved himself to be a rat.

The whole thing is sordid and tawdry. End the relationship, tell him you know his passwords and count yourself lucky you have saved yourself from this guy.

Original poster
sosooootired · 26/03/2014 19:24

well we were amazing in bed, and that was a pretty big deal!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/03/2014 19:25

Just a thought, if he has the location thingy on his FB then he will be able to see not only that it was logged in by someone other than him, but where that person is, so chances are he will figure out what you did.

It may be helpful to remember that if he does get in contact with you.