I needed to know, I snooped and now I know he's no good, now what?

[sosooootired]

Firstly a disclaimer, I have serious trust issues... after 12 years with a husband who just constantly lied and cheated. I had years of signs that he was up to no good but always got fobbed off with every excuse in the book and all the gaslighting you can imagine, until eventually I answered the phone to OW and he could lie no more.
So after thinking I would never ever meet anyone again and be alone forever, I eventually started seeing a new guy 5 months ago. He is awesome, sex is amazing, we have an amazing connection and time together and he is seemingly devoted to me.
But I needed to be certain things were really what they seemed and he wasn't hiding anything from me.
So I'm slightly ashamed to admit I downloaded a keylogger software and recorded his email and facebook passwords.
He is working away for 2 months and I had to test before I commit. He had pledged undying love and asked me to marry him. It has been incredibly romantic and whilst I've felt swept away and very happy I just needed to be sure. I have kids and can't allow myself to be messed around again. I'm terrified of wasting years on a good liar again.
So anyway, cut to the point. He has been away less than a month and already contacted the ex wife of a mutual friend, for friendly chat - 1.5 hrs of fb chat. To my eyes it was totally casting a fishing line and seeing if she would bite. She asked him straight if he was involved with me and he told her I was in love with him but was purposely vague about us.
Now he has also contacted a friend of his friends girlfriend, clearly with the hope of striking up some sort of friendship.
He sent the message to her only 5 mins after sending all sorts of heartfelt beautiful messages to me
I think he probably fits the profile of a man who spends many evenings alone working and is looking for distractions with online romances. Maybe it's an old habit he can't quit. But basically he has not been honest, he is pretending to be someone he isn't.
I know I should just cut all contact, hard as it will be. I am in love with him and have had the most wonderful few months and truly believed I had met an awesome man. The truth now is so fucking depressing.
But what can I tell him to explain?
I feel like blocking him on all mediums is the only way, heart breaking as it is. I almost want to confront him so he can reassure me and make promises etc.. But that route is madness and just my need for this not to be the pile of shit it clearly is.
But he will obviously want to know why I have suddenly ended our relationship and I don't want to explain what I have done.
help please!

OP - are you absolutely sure you couldn't work this out with him? The only reason I ask, is that once I'd discovered my ex's affair, I went straight to Relate, on my own. The counsellor pointed out that I didn't actually have to end the marriage, that some couples get past this, and stay together. And that I didn't have to do anything straight away. This almost gave me 'permission' to step back and take time to digest what I'd discovered. Don't do anything hasty. I'm not suggesting you put up with cheating, far from it, but are you absolutely sure about all this? Do you think he'd change his behaviour? Just a thought.

Ouch to all the 'only a fool talks of marriage after 5 months.' DH proposed after 6 months. Been together now since 95. My auntie (married 40 years) said yes after 6 weeks etc. Sometimes you just know

But... OP I don't think you'd have snooped if he truly made you feel secure. Dump him. No need to explain. of course he'll be desperate for you if you dump as that immediately raises your status as an unobtainable woman. But that's his loss. Good to know you have high self esteem and are looking out for your DC's future too.

I can kind of get the lasting feeling of you were great together - when I was with dick face, he would shower me with affection, like he had zeroed in on just me.

I was swept of my feet as it was a rush. I was spoiled rotten of hm at the start. Texts all day, cute good night phone calls expensive meals out then - nothing for a whole week. Silence. Phone off. Apparently he was REALLY ill was in hospital. On a drip and everything

How can you be mad at some one that's been so ill?

Then he worked away, total silence - he was sooooo busy, needed to focus.

I always took his word as I needed to be in his gaze and affection.

When I met Mr Jeff he was solid, sturdy, and emotionally completely different.

Op it's a kick in the balls but he was looking else where - arse hole x

Don't be sad you looked and found bad news. If you hadn't you would have been living a lie with your relationship, you just wouldn't have known it.

BTW I knew after 2 months that DH was the one for me. We married after being together 3 1/2 years. Been together 18 years.

sooootired didn't trust herself and took steps to be sure.

She has found out she CAN trust herself, but she can't trust him!!!

Good for her I say!!!

DP and I decided in the first five minutes of talking, that we wanted to have a baby together. That was 11 years ago.

But that's not what it's all about. For me the defining feature of your relationship is the huge stark contrast between what he says to your face and "behind your back". Even if all you found was him downplaying your relationship to his male friends, it would have given me major pause, to say nothing of both downplaying and perving with random women.

And I think wannaBe is being unhelpfully reactionary about that, not to mention unjustly putting words in your brain - if what you had found was him gushing to his family and friends about his great new relationship with you, how much he loved meeting your kids, etc, perhaps you could have let yourself trust him more.

Perhaps not your finest hour, OP, but understandable in your situation, and - unfortunately - your guts were right. Don't beat yourself up; give your guts a pat on the back. But do also get going with the Baggage Reclaim. AF is generally a wise woman don't let her spectacular apostrophe back there fail convince you otherwise .

"apostrophe back there fail" ?

whatever does that mean, PM ?

I don't blame anyone for listening to gut feelings and trying to find out more. Not good to live with doubt and worry. We do what we have to do to survive in this world where people are so often treacherous, lying, and cheating on their partners.

Once I had a feeling something wasn't right....looked in a briefcase [I had been given the key] and found an old STD clinic appointment card, after us both saying we had never had an STD. Liar.

Another time I had a feeling something was going on....went to a drawer and looked at stubs in a chequebook. A cheque had been written out to local newspaper in the exact amount needed to answer a personal ad. Trying to cheat.

It hurt but I was right both times and got out. OP you should do the same. Anyone can say words of love, but it's the [subversive] actions which tell the real feelings/intentions and character of someone.

Eh pendant what you talking about WIlis?

There was an apostrophe in an "its" where there shouldn't have been. Only my great love and respect for AF and lots of rum are getting me through this crisis.

Using the keylogger software to spy on him is really low down and disgusting behaviour...your insecurities and mistrust also most likely made you read what wasn't actually there. Are you going to do this to every guy you date?!!! In my opinion...if you are feeling such strong doubts so early on in the 'relationship' then the mature and sensible thing to do would be to either TALK about it or end it-not snoop. Imagine if it were a guy doing that to you...would you still think it was justified behaviour?

he needs to reset his passwords but you don't want to come clean, so i would suggest you send a 'password re-set/reminder' request from the sites you have hacked into. he will recieve the emails and hopefully reset his passwords.

You're not ready for a relationship. you need to work on your insecurities and issues....and grow up!

Met my DH in the September, I was 20, he was 26. We got engaged 6 weeks later and married the following April (7 months). We celebrate our 40th anniversary next month. It can work, but it takes work as well. It hasn't been all roses and most people say we are chalk and cheese, but generally we had the same ideals, morals, ambitions, and respect for each other, and we have had a good life together.

It's perfectly legal to put a keylogger on your own computer. Many people do this for all sorts of reasons including security and monitoring their kids or employees.

badbaldingballerina123 ...of course it is legal to put the software on your own computer....however i'm sure it is NOT legal to deliberately use it to hack into someones account just because you feel like it! Oh...and OP was NOT an employer legally monitoring staff and this was NOT her child...

really pm?

I find posters who draw attention to other posters spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes extremely PA. it was a apostrophe for god sake

In fact it's a mahoooosive pet peeve.

Sorry if it's 'in' joke between you both, had a hideous night with endo .

PM is only joking, jeff. I think she can barely believe I would do such a thing.

Oh sorry pm, should probably stay of here today!

Clearly you did, Buck...

So what will you do now, OP?

I wouldn't recommend that you reveal to him how you know he was fishing for other women. Let him have that unceetainty of why you ended it in his head, maybe he will not play around while pretending to be committed in future. Are you intending to leave dating for a while now to clear your head, with a view to making more positive choices in future?

This is really tricky because when you've been hurt you seek to protect yourself from feeling that pain again. But snooping will trap you in a terrible cycle. It's also addictive.

I had real issues trusting someone after I was left nearly 10 years ago. It profoundly affected me and I was incredibly anxious about getting hurt. It's agony to be cheated on by someone you love. I felt justified snooping on boyfriends because of what had happened previously - I felt like it was self preservation.

But it isn't - snooping is part of the problem and not the solution. Plus any relationship which involves snooping is not one worth having. If you're tempted to snoop like this you're already locked in a toxic, anxious and self destructive cycle. It just screams that you haven't yet dealt with what has happened so you aren't ready for a trusting, loving, equal relationship.

To be blunt - you have to get your shit together before embarking on another relationship - because these issues will continue to surface. Until you're clear of your past then you can't move in and have a real connection with someone. Once you're strong you will feel able to take on a relationship and all the risks of pain that come with it. This the gamble we all take loving someone (that they will leave through death or otherwise).

I hope this proves to be watershed moment. Living in a state of paranoia is agony. Snooping on someone is not love.

I got help and I learnt that the way to happiness is to trust someone. If that person betrays my trust then it will come out soon enough - but snooping and paranoia are just going to lead to unhappiness whether that person is honest or not.

Get strong, get healthy. The better men will show up when you're in the right state - you'll be able to see the ones that are wrong for you when you're clear headed - if that makes sense?

I'm dreading the next bit where he accuses me of being a mad woman for cutting him off without explanation.

"I just felt something wasn't right. After my previous horrendous experience I felt I had to go with my instincts. I'm sorry you don't like it but that's my decision and it's final."

What you did was wrong OP but understandable in the circumstances. Ignore the comments about how you must tell him this or that. Clean break and that's that. Good luck.

Although I do now see that SauceForTheGander has posted good sense.

I would actually tell him that I'd hacked into his FB account. I wouldn't tell him how I'd done it, but I'd make sure he knew WHY I was ending the relationship. And remember, when cheating is uncovered, it is NOT cancelled out by the fact that you've been snooping. Two wrongs don't make a right, but your behaviour does not exonerate his.