Can love just disappear?

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Having experienced my husband stopping loving me without any build up or reasons to explain it I am confused about how this happened.

I have googled "signs he is no longer in love" and he didn't show any of them. I googled "sings he truly loves you" and he showed all of them.

We'd been together 4 years. Married for less than a year. Then suddenly he said all feelings for me were gone.

I asked him if he ever really loved me the way he said he did, and he said everything before was real and true and that he thought I was the love of his life, but that it's just not how he feels anymore.

There's no other woman.

He just stopped loving me.

Is this possible?

I have accepted that he has checked out of our marriage and is not interested in any solutions or discussion and I am accepting it now after a lot of months of fighting it.

All I really want to know was whether the relationship I had before was real. He came to me on the rebound after his ex partner cheated on him. He was very infatuated with me and our relationship was very sexual. I am worried that I was a band aid to hide his pain of losing the woman he really loved. I am worried that he never loved me, because if he did, why would he just stop?

Sorry, that was meant to say definitely can lead to substance abuse.

When I went through my separation I was constantly tired and hit the bottle a bit! But, that was after 5 years of hell and trying everything, absolutely everything with a very abusive man. I didn't just wake up and fall out of love!

His kids were 5 and 7 when we got together. He said when the second one was born that was when things were already dead really, living separate lives and growing apart. Like somerset said I think it was lazy and comfortable and took them both a while to face up to it being over.

I am going to talk to him tonight and just ask him to see a doctor. I am sure he won't though. He thinks he's fine, he thinks this is all normal.

you said he isn't going out at all - has he stopped seeing his kids?

They go to his house a lot but he doesn't seem to take them out much other than to his Mum's. He used to be action man Dad with a plan of adventure every weekend, but now he seems to do stuff in the house with them.

I put this down to finances. Him moving out and getting his own place has made money much tighter on both of us.

well - if he wants to help himself, he would

you can't force him to do anything

I think you can't answer questions for him - some things just happen and we have no control over it

loss of relationship with his children must be hard for you as well
best if you spend time looking after your wellbeing

I would find it hard to live next door like you do - why didn't he move further away?

does he pop in for a chat?
if so - why?

Nah, he could take them to the park etc... he could invite their friends round.

He is depressed. It is how I was, did lots of art and crafts and cooking with DD for about 6 months, didn't want to see or interact with the outside world. Then started going out again and having friends round for playdates and being action mum again!

My depression was because of 5 years of misery though OP, not the relationship 'breakdown' you describe with your husband. Plus I was abroad away from family and support, loads of factors that your husband doesn't have. You need to find out why he is depressed.

YY antimatter why is he basically living next door?

can or would you move away?

I did wonder why he didn't move further away but at the time I was just so glad he didn't. Obviously for 3 or 4 months I thought there was someone else. I guess it's also very close to his kids and the place popped up and it was convenient...no removals expenses or big upheaval.

He does have depression in his family.

Let me try and talk to him and maybe I can get him to see a doctor. Maybe I can. I know he's starting to feel confused in himself, but for whatever reason he thinks if we get a quick divorce and he starts a new life he's going to be happy and he's been totally miserable for 7 months so it is illogical.

I wouldn't move away because this is my home. Friends, family, work. I can move to a new house, but we do own this one and I love it. I know if I asked him to (told him it hurt me) that he would move away. He's kind like that. He's only got a 12 month lease.

I've just looked it up and this might well be the problem.

He does have problems sleeping, he is irritable, he is tired all the time, he has said he finds concentration hard and can't make decisions, he has said he keeps forgetting things, he has definitely withdrawn socially and he does cry a lot and say very negative things which don't seem based on reality.

I never thought he was depressed because his change in mood co-incided with our split and he kept saying it was an adjustment period but he doesn't seem to be any better than before. He does cry less but he's still half the man he was.

Also his sister's depression is very different and she can't work and positively clings to her husband and is almost completely dependent on him. I didn't realise depression can do the opposite too so it never really clicked with me. He is also hyper sexual if anything whereas his sister is totally off it and doesn't want to be touched which causes her a lot of problems in her marriage.

Thanks for suggesting this. It might be what is going on here. Or a combination of what everyone has said. Of course he might just not love me and being depressed might have exaggerated that or maybe him not loving me and wanting to start again made him depressed. I don't know, I will try and read more on it looking for hope and will beg him to see the doctor.

I don't think you should be putting so much effort into trying to diagnose and fix him. He has treated you very coldly no matter what the reason is.

Stop sleeping with him.

Stop asking people about him and worrying about him.

Move on with your own life. He has made his choice, depression or not he is entitled to it and I think you are wasting your time and effort on someone who you will never be able to trust again because they've shown themselves to be unreliable/weak.

I agree sex with him is clouding the issue. You have talked to him a lot already. Stop talking. Stop seeing him. Stop asking him questions. As Offred said, stop trying to fix him. You need to go no contact as much as you can. Stop allowing him into your home and your life. He has chosen to leave it and to leave you. He needs to miss you and the life you had before he can find or give you answers. You are trying to find a reason for his behaviour. He is not prepared yet to tell you the real reason. I would say that he does know why he has moved out and he does know why he is no longer in love with you but is not ready to tell you the full story yet. The simplest and most probably answer does seem to be that there is or has been another woman. You don't think its hes ex wife although they are still very close and he is going there regularly ( to see his kids). Something has happened before he withdrew from your relationship. You sound tormented by this which is understandable but until he is willing to tell you the truth you will go round and round in circles.

I'm not trying to fix him, I just don't want a divorce. I know it's not 100% my choice, but it seems like a person should have a better reason than this for ending a marriage. I know that's out of my control.

I'm afraid if he is resolute then it isn't even 1% your choice.

Relationships might be conducted by mutual consent/negotiation but the end of the relationship is able to be totally unilateral.

I think you are only hurting yourself (and he's hurting you) by not letting him go and refusing to accept his certainty and reason.

Even if his reason sounds like bullshit, he's telling you over and over that he is certain of his choice and playing with your feelings by being sexual and moving in down the road.

That alone is perhaps the biggest indicator you should take control and start moving on. He's got the poor me thing going on, regular sex from you without commitment etc. He is treating you really disrespectfully, depression and divorce are no justification for that.

you can't "fix" him, is that what you were doing during relationship - helping him to get over his loneliness and get over his previous relationship?

No, not at all. It was actually more the other way around if anything. He always said he was over it, fine and had no pain from the past. He helped me get over some past issues and was wonderful.

I didn't talk to him. Felt unsure. I will try and do it over the weekend. Worth one last talk, then I will give up and accept.

I agree with Cogito in regards to how your relationship has come about. He was hurting and he was attracted to the type of person you are. Probably loyal, caring, loving etc. He did love you and it was real but if he has a predisposition to depression, his feelings and actions would be tied up in trying to escape this. He is showing classic symptoms and it doesn't fit with OW. He's not trying blame you for the relationship ending. In fact he has said he knows that it is you he should be with but can"t feel anything. IME a full onset of depression can occur when the person is feeling the most secure and safe and loved and doesn't have other dramas to distract from illness. It forces a situation where they have to face it. He probably is over his past relationship but hasn't dealt with all the personal issues it brought up for him. All you can do now, and i mean for yourself because you obviously care for him, is talk to him about your concerns that he needs help. I guarantee you if he is depressed he knows it because of the family history. Make sure he has support from friends and family checking in with him consistently and step back. You need to stop any sexual relationship, it isn't helping either of you.

Thanks Gettingmeback. I will let him know today that I think he needs to get some help and if he refuses I will step back. He's very stubborn. I can't see him agreeing that anything is out of the ordinary. I agree sleeping with him doesn't help me.

Thanks LaQueenOfTheSpring. But it came back? Your feelings?

Did you really look at your husband and feel nothing? My husband looks at me like he's confused about why this is!

Thank you LQOTS Definitely going to talk to him tonight. If there's any chance at all that this is what it is I need to know and at least try.