Can love just disappear?

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Having experienced my husband stopping loving me without any build up or reasons to explain it I am confused about how this happened.

I have googled "signs he is no longer in love" and he didn't show any of them. I googled "sings he truly loves you" and he showed all of them.

We'd been together 4 years. Married for less than a year. Then suddenly he said all feelings for me were gone.

I asked him if he ever really loved me the way he said he did, and he said everything before was real and true and that he thought I was the love of his life, but that it's just not how he feels anymore.

There's no other woman.

He just stopped loving me.

Is this possible?

I have accepted that he has checked out of our marriage and is not interested in any solutions or discussion and I am accepting it now after a lot of months of fighting it.

All I really want to know was whether the relationship I had before was real. He came to me on the rebound after his ex partner cheated on him. He was very infatuated with me and our relationship was very sexual. I am worried that I was a band aid to hide his pain of losing the woman he really loved. I am worried that he never loved me, because if he did, why would he just stop?

Could it be his ex?

I say OW too - sorry.

Not getting dressed, leaving work bang on time (desperate to get home), crying all the time & negative thoughts are the classic signs of depression.
My XH had it. It was truly dreadful.

There's nowt going on with his ex. I really doubt there is another woman. I think after seven months he'd just tell me. I have told him hearing that would make it easier to understand all this. He's not been nasty, he sort of cried and told me to find someone who would look after me.

Scornedwoman67, I just had a look at the symptoms and have to say it might be possible.

He seemed fine before all of this though. The only thing I noticed different in him was that in the 3 months before his big announcement he was drinking much more than usual and seemed very tired all the time.

If this is what is going on, is there any hope that he does actually love me? Can I sort this out or is he lost to me? I am not sure if I am grasping at straws and don't want false hope.

How do you know what he gets up to if your not there living with him?

Yes, it can happen, because it happened to me with my first proper girlfriend. We were 20 when we got together and dated for the best part of three years but didn't live together at all (she was a live-in nanny). Very happy, maybe three minor rows in that time. Had a good Christmas and New Year and literally within three weeks it was all over. No rows. No other people on other side. I literally, suddenly, and I can't tell you why because I don't know, fell out of love with her.

In YOUR case, though, OP, I think depression may well be at the root of this. I've suffered from that (but now at the time of above) and it sounds very very similar and that can completely mess with your feelings and emotions, believe me. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (well, perhaps one.....)

Milly because he lives so close I can see his car in the driveway and I talk to his friend because we have the same friends and I speak to his family and my in laws.

NotNewButNameChanged are you sure that was real love though? I never stop loving people I once loved. I might fall out of love with them (after a long period of crapness) but the loving feelings still remain.

He says he feels nothing. Zip. Not even "I still love you but have fallen out of love". He feels no love at all.

"He says he feels nothing." He sounds awefully depressed. Are you two still friends then? Sounds like he could do with a few right now.

It's not a nice way to end the relationship though. I think you'll just need to take it on the chin and move on unfortunatly, accept it for what it is. . Be there for him if you want, but it'll make moving on harder.

Yes, we're still friends, he still seems to want to spend time with me. He still fancies me. Most days if I wanted to I could have sex with him but I am trying not to do that. When the solicitor contacted me I sort of accepted it's really going to go ahead and I was thinking of moving away. It just doesn't make any sense. If he still fancies me to bit and think I am wonderful, has no real problems I just don't understand.

I would have said 'OW' but then read carefully what you have said.
It is all very odd.

This may be a bit leftfield but, is it possible he does still love you but something very private/devastating to him has happened, or he has some terrible secret, or he has made a massive mistake that he can't tell you about and therefore wants to get divorced to hide his head in the sand?

It just seems VERY wierd that he seems so depressed about a decisión he has made, that he still fancies you and that it seemed that your relationship was a lovely one.

I don't think it is an 'OW', but there is something. If you have fallen out of love and it is your decisión to leave you do not want to have sex with that person. You don't fall into depression and drink yourself to sleep every night. That is what YOU should doing!

Hi somersethouse, these are the same thoughts I have had myself which is what makes it all so confusing. I expected to see signs his feelings for me were changing but there wasn't any. Even when I pick the last months before all this apart I just don't see anything odd in him. He was just normal up until a few days before this when he seemed withdrawn and quiet.

Are you sure that's not the case with men that they still fancy their exes? Not being sexist so sorry if I offend any gents here, but if I have broken up with someone that means I don't want kissing or sex off them.

By contrast, he wants to touch me all the time, we often end up kissing, if we go for a walk he wants to hold hands or puts his arms around my waist. He also wants to have sex with me and gets very jealous (which he never was before). I sometimes feel like he loves me, like from the looks on is face or things he does but then he keeps saying he doesn't. Or he says he is confused and feels foggy on some days.

I just took this to be confirmation that for him the attraction might have always been a more physical one. I know that physically I am his "perfect type" and he might be lonely.

I know this makes him sound horrible, or like he is using me, but he's not being horrible. He says he wants to love me but just doesn't feel it.

What hurts me the most of the whole thing, is that with his LTR before me he tried for years to work on the relationship when it had problems and I know they went to counselling and that he bought books like "how to save your relationship" and yet our marriage seems hopeless to him without any sort of fight and he can't even articulate any reasons why. It's so out of character because he's a dedicated and sensible guy usually.

I know he can't control who he loves and doesn't love, but it just doesn't make sense. I don't think he is hiding anything. He is an everyday guy and I think he knows I would love him no matter what. I will try and think more about that to look for more clues.

I have asked him why he is so down and upset from our break up, and why after so long he doesn't seem better, if it is what he wanted and he gives funny answers like "all breakups are painful" or "it's just an adjustment period" but it makes no sense that if he's so upset he doesn't even want to try.

It's making me feel like it was always just about sex, like he never really loved me. If the ex was worth such a valiant effort and e (his wife!!) is not worth bothering at all.

I keep trying to tell him that if he still fancies more than any other woman and still thinks I am great and can't see any problems in our marriage then it seems like there is everything to hope for but he says that the way he used to feel about me just isn't the way he feels now. It's so awful. I thought for this to happen the relationship needed to have problems or something.

Has he maybe had feelings towards another man or a male sexual experience that has thrown him.

Another observation, when Men are having an affair they are more up for sex.

RE the 'sex' thing OP

I think that when you decide on something huge like divorce because 'you are not in love' then no, you do not want to have sex with that person and if you did, you would be cold after, not going for walks, holiding hands, still talking, telling them you still fancied them etc, it is all too odd, it simply dosen't make sense.

Sure, I have broken up with/been dumped and still had the odd shag afterwards but instant regret was obvious on both sides and that was just boyfriend/girlfriend stuff. Divorce (in my experience and opinión) is not the same, you want closure and you want it fast and you make no mistake about it and you almost can't bear to see the other person as it reminds you of failure and of sadness that it hasn't worked. You don't want to have sex with them. Also, IMHO, a sexless year at least, precedes a divorce instigation, along with quite alot of arguments etc.

I still maintain there is something else going on, not an OW though. I think you would have found out about that in 2 minutes flat!

I know, that's what I always thought, I thought a divorce was a last resort after all sorts of things have gone wrong and things have been sexless. We were still having sex 4 - 5 times a week before this up until the day before. No arguments.

I will try and talk to him. He is just so hard to talk to at the moment. He says he can't explain to me what he doesn't understand himself. Grrr

Maybe he had a one night stand and it has thrown him but what about having gay feelings? Just throwing things up to maybe trigger some aha moment OP.

Divorce and leaving someone and losing feelings of love can happen in a moment. You meet someone and you have feelings that you have never felt before which makes you then question your present life. It causes depressive feelings and overnight change in personality.

Yes, Millyblods may be right. Something certainly has triggered this odd behaviour and I would say it is absolutely not the normal way things go for a divorce to be on the cards, proceedings to go ahead and then his current 'loving' behaviour towards you.

Divorce a last resort and something nobody wants to go through unless everything has been tried, certainly not in the circumstances you describe OP. He doesn't sound like a horrible vindictive man, is he? Is he playing games? Again, doesn't sounds like it.

Do you want children and he doesn't? Could that be it?

Sorry for you OP you sound so baffled and sad and very nice!

Was he always "all or nothing" kind of guy?

To me he sounds depressed.

No, he has never been horrible or vindictive, also never impulsive or quick to act. I wouldn't say an "all or nothing" person but he can be pig headed and persevere with things once he's made his mind up to the point of cutting off his nose to spite his face. He's not very introspective and is more a simple sort of person. I can't describe how out of character the whole thing is.

It is preying on my mind that maybe he was unhappy with me for a while and tried not to show it to not hurt me. That's the sort of person he is. Then again, would there not have been subtle signs? I remember the weeks preceding this and he was so keen for date night that he missed a works night out. He still seems keen to be with me and seems to make excuses to see me, offering to drop things off and finding silly reasons to text or call.

Also, he has said, on our wedding day it was the happiest day of his life and he's never loved anyone more than he loved me, so my confusion is how a person goes from that to this in the space of a few months without any cause.

He has kiddies from his previous relationship and I was in no rush for us to have our own. We got together when his kids were young and to be honest they were with us so often that it felt a lot like they were part mine too. Me and the birth Mum have a great relationship and I often watched the kids on my own after school. It was a happy little situation.

Thanks anitmatter. I am confused and sad. All the way through this I have remained positive about working it out and have been running on adrenalin. Stark reality is hitting me and I can't get through to him.

When we talk he makes no sense. This is the worst he's ever felt, and yet he doesn't want to try and fix it. He knows he wants me, but he doesn't love me. He says he just wants to feel again.

I'm sure he's not gay :) The man gets an erection every time I bend over to get something off the bottom shelf of the freezer!

I suppose he might have done something shameful, or be hiding something from me. His behaviour is odd, that's for sure.

You'd think newly single he'd be off out all the time (his best friend is single and a real party animal) but he's been out once since this happened and from what I heard he went to a jazz bar and then fell asleep.

If I push him about thing, he just gets annoyed and snarky, which is not like him either.

I know none of you can answer me. I really just wanted someone to tell me if he could have just literally stopped loving his wife in the space of a few months, weeks or days (the answer on that varies upon the day you ask him).

I know no one can actually give me the answers to the question that makes no sense. It's really good to know most of you agree it's not really normal behaviour.

My Mum told me grief demands and answer and sometimes there is none. I have thought so many times that if he told me there was another woman it would somehow be a relief. But there just isn't one.

If he is depressed, could it really make him feel like he didn't love me? Is there a chance it would come back if he got better?

Grasping at straws maybe, but he does seem so down and demotivated and anti social. He has said he can't get up in the morning either. And he drinks a lot.

I really hope that's what it is. I want a better explanation than nothing.

Now you have added the bit about him having children, you happily looking after them, being on good terms with the ex. Him really still fancying you. Why on earth would any sane man leave a situation like this, it is really hard to meet someone who would be kind and accepting of his ex and children so readily. Not be pushing for children of their own. No animosity or bad feeling.

People are usually lazy, they put off divorce because they are comfy, happy and in a secure situation, even if and when the passion bit dies off. That is what marriage is. If he still fancies you to boot it honestly is a mystery!

I am now going down nervous breakdown route.

Yes, depression can make you lose interest in everything and everyone and cut yourself off.
Definitely leads to substance abuse (too much alcohol etc) and a feel of tiredness, sleeping too much or not enough.

Normally though, I think you also go off sex.
I am no expert though!

We got together when his kids were young - that was 4 years ago.

His LTR with the other woman had not been romantic for years. Separate bedrooms and all that.

How old are the kids when you've met?
Does he not see them now at all?