Can love just disappear?

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Having experienced my husband stopping loving me without any build up or reasons to explain it I am confused about how this happened.

I have googled "signs he is no longer in love" and he didn't show any of them. I googled "sings he truly loves you" and he showed all of them.

We'd been together 4 years. Married for less than a year. Then suddenly he said all feelings for me were gone.

I asked him if he ever really loved me the way he said he did, and he said everything before was real and true and that he thought I was the love of his life, but that it's just not how he feels anymore.

There's no other woman.

He just stopped loving me.

Is this possible?

I have accepted that he has checked out of our marriage and is not interested in any solutions or discussion and I am accepting it now after a lot of months of fighting it.

All I really want to know was whether the relationship I had before was real. He came to me on the rebound after his ex partner cheated on him. He was very infatuated with me and our relationship was very sexual. I am worried that I was a band aid to hide his pain of losing the woman he really loved. I am worried that he never loved me, because if he did, why would he just stop?

[Heartbroken47]

Sorry didn't realise the date - ZOMBIE THREAD

[Heartbroken47]

I second the depression theory - this book might help www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004ZP4P0W/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21
My husband said same after 27 years. He still wants intimacy also.
Best of luck xx

[Pomegranategirl]

I know this is a very old thread. But was wondering how the story ended OP? I feel atm like I am in a similar situation but on the side of the husband. As I've not been feeling happy or the love for a month with a wonderful man. And it felt like my feelings just left me suddenly and don't find any enjoyment. 😞

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Thank you so much for telling me that. I know it might be false hope. Even thought he is depressed it might just be the loss of his marriage / life and the change of it all that has sent him so deep into it - but he did say he felt like it (more mildly) for months before it all started so if there's any hope that his view of us was clouded by all this then it's some sort of possibility to hang on to. I will try not to invest too much into it but I need some sort of hope here. Otherwise none of it makes any sense

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Well, I love him so if he is ill of course I would like to lend whatever support that would help him but I would be lying if I said I wasn't hoping he would change his feelings.

[Offred]

I think it is selfish of your friend to suggest you be there for him tbh. The friend is thinking of themselves in the position of your h and not you I think.

You could of course decide to be there for him; offer him support, patience, understanding and time but you absolutely must not do this because you think there is a chance for you and he to reconcile. You should only do it if the support is freely given and you should consider yourself as much as him if not more.

No-one can tell you the future or whether the decision was because of his depression or something else though tbh. There are plenty of people with serious depression who don't leave their partners but then everyone is different so who knows?

What's important is that you recognise that he has left you when you consider where to go from here.

[ShakespearesUglySister]

We phoned at 8.30 when the surgery opened and he managed to get in to see the GP this afternoon and was diagnosed with depression at the highest end of the scale -severe. Thank you for the suggestions on it, he was grateful for being encouraged to go and I didn't see it because he acted so normal.

I am still confused about what this means though. I have a friends who has been very depressed many times, as well as his sister and neither of them ever left their spouse.

Is this a possible reason why he has been so illogical and negative?

Is it possible he does really love me and can't access it?

I am not really sure what to do. My depressed friend had a chat with me and told me to "be there for him". How do I do that if he doesn't want me?

[LavenderGreen14]

Nope - anything is possible really. Just because you don't know about it, doesn't mean it isn't going on.

[ShakespearesUglySister]

You don't think after a seven month separation and divorce proceedings he'd just tell me? Or at least that someone else would know about her?

[LavenderGreen14]

Most women in your situation will swear there is no other woman - but normally there is. You cannot know for certain anything any more sadly.

[ShakespearesUglySister]

elizalovelace, I know that must be true. It's just very hard to understand. He seemed so devoted to me. I know people can act more devoted and loved up than they are but I can honestly say there was never a moment in our relationship where I doubted it. He was just so happy. I can't really understand how that changed so rapidly but I know (depression or not) he has checked out of our marriage and shown a lack of commitment to me. I feel very sad.

Wycombe he is going to the GP next week. For him though, he agrees he might be depressed.

Northernlurker I wish this was the case. It's just not.

[Northernlurker]

I have a friend whose husband left saying this. There was another woman it turned out, though he denied it furiously.

[Wycombe]

There's no other woman.
He just stopped loving me.
Is this possible?

It can be, as its not always about another women. Scornedwoman may well be right. Is there any way you could get him to see your local GP as he may well need a little extra support that he can be unaware of

[elizalovelace]

Op you sound lovely but its time you moved on from this man,he dosent love or value you the way you love and value him. please let him go,free your heart for someone who deserves you.

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Thanks Offred. I agree it's been pretty shabby. I agree it's been selfish. I'm just going to be somewhat relieved if there's some sort of explanation for it all because living without one for so long has been shit.

[Offred]

I don't think there is no hope necessarily. The end of a relationship is more often than not an uncertain leap. However depression does not absolve him of his duty of basic respect and responsibility for the effect he has on other people and he has treated you very shabbily IMO.

[Offred]

Honestly this is what I worried would happen... If you ask me you are on a hiding to nothing here. Many, many people get depressed, selfish depressed people use it to get what they want out of other people with no regard for their feelings, selfish depressed people remain selfish when their depression gets better because the problem is they are selfish not that they are depressed.

I know you desperately want hope and I know you're now going to seize on this as a way of working towards getting back together but please only help him if you want to do it. Only help him if you are sure you want to and that you won't regret it should he still not want you a year from now.

Do not help him as an investment into this relationship, I actually think you would be better to let him sort himself out tbh but I know you will not want that.

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Thanks to all of you. Just to let you know I talked to him and went over concerns that he might be depressed and he said he agreed it might be possible and said he will see the doctor next week about it. I was really surprised but he seemed relieved that I asked him and we had a hug and he said he felt very confused and lost. Thank you for pointing out this as a possibility, he says he has been feeling this way since a few months before he left and that it got worse after leaving although he thought be on his own would make it better, so it's not all caused by the breakup. I really hope there is some sort of hope here. I know very little about it but will try and educate myself a bit.

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Thank you LQOTS Definitely going to talk to him tonight. If there's any chance at all that this is what it is I need to know and at least try.

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Thanks LaQueenOfTheSpring. But it came back? Your feelings?

Did you really look at your husband and feel nothing? My husband looks at me like he's confused about why this is!

[ShakespearesUglySister]

Thanks Gettingmeback. I will let him know today that I think he needs to get some help and if he refuses I will step back. He's very stubborn. I can't see him agreeing that anything is out of the ordinary. I agree sleeping with him doesn't help me.