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Relationships

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Original poster

How long does it take to fall in love with/love someone?

19 replies

FolkGirl · 25/03/2014 22:24

I know this is a bit of a "how long is a piece of string" questions but still...

How long does it take/did it take you to fall in love/know that you loved someone or for them to know that they had fall in love with or loved you?

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 25/03/2014 23:48

I've been wondering the same thing... With XH I knew after about 2 months... Just felt like we had always been together and that we completed each other.

Currently seeing somebody, it's been ten weeks. I like him a lot but wouldn't say I love him. So have been wondering myself how/when/if it will happen.

I assume that the more you see somebody, the fonder you become of them.... Or not as the case may be!

I think that second time around , especially if have DC, you are more guarded with your feelings too and dont let your feelings out in the same way maybe.?

BOFtastic · 26/03/2014 00:01

About three ciggies outside, I'd say. Maybe 20 minutes?

KingfishersCatchFire · 26/03/2014 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justiceofthePeas · 26/03/2014 00:52

About 3 weeks the first time but I had known him a few months before we got together. A few months the next time.

But having fallen for an abusive twat the subsequent time I am now wary of anyone who falls too fast and is too effusive too early. It can be a red flag.

LackaDAISYcal · 26/03/2014 00:57

with my DH...
fall in love? pretty damn instantly (it was lust at first sight)

know that I loved someone? several months, once the lust had been replaced by something more substantial

know that they loved me? still pondering that one even though he tells me frequently (but that is a measure of my insecurities)

Original poster

FolkGirl · 26/03/2014 04:19

Hm, interesting...

I've been seeing someone for about 4 months. We only see each other alternate weekends generally due to my circumstances. It's true skye I'm very guarded. I'm aware I could fall for him, but not sure that I will let myself. He says he really likes me, but I don't get any sense that he loves me. Or could/would do.

For lots of reasons, I've never had a relationship with someone who loved me. I'm not sure it could happen really, but I would like to be loved and cherished so I'm not sure whether I should just enjoy it for what it is but accept it won't be anything more. Or just end it.

It seems that 'falling in love' happens pretty quickly so if it hasn't happened by now, it probably won't.

OP posts:

oldfashionedgirl · 26/03/2014 07:08

I am similar folk I could easily fall for him but am actively holding back even though he isn't holding back. I don't think I know how to be loved.

MirandaWest · 26/03/2014 07:21

I think it takes different amounts of time for different people. And sometimes when people have fallen in love quickly they have actually known the person for a while anyway. I think also sometimes you fall in love and sometimes it gradually happens until you realise you couldn't be without that person.

PollyIndia · 26/03/2014 07:46

I agree with Miranda. Everyone is different. I have fallen in lust very quickly, but it wasn't love. I am not capable of falling in love quickly. When I have thought I have, it has always fizzled equally quickly.
I have been seeing someone for 2 months and sometimes think I love him, sometimes not. I probably won't let myself fall in love with him until I feel more sure of myself with him. I know he likes me, but I don't think he loves me yet either.
Should there be a cutoff point? I guess there probably should...

Original poster

FolkGirl · 26/03/2014 16:15

Thank you.

oldfashionedgirl that's exactly what I think about myself. I haven't ever been loved. I was brought up to think I was unloveable, through counselling I'm beginning to think that it's more that I wouldn't know it if it smacked me in the face! My friend's husband said that he doesn't agree with that. He thinks I do recognise it but my response is to panic and run in the other direction because I don't know what to do with it. Either way, it doesn't look good, does it?!

Miranda I think that's how I loved my children. I didn't feel that rush of love when they were born. With DS he was probably about 4 months old when I looked at him one day and (actually felt that same panic!) realised that I didn't know what I'd do without him. I went back to work when my daughter was 7 months, I think she was probably 3 before I would say I really 'loved' her. Until then, she felt like a stranger who didn't really belong with us... Perhaps it takes me a long time to love then and perhaps it often doesn't happen at all.

Polly I have fallen in lust quickly too, felt I couldn't live without someone and then gone off them just as quickly. I'm wondering if I've never loved anyone as much as I've never been loved. Or if I'm no more capable of loving than I am of being loved.

I'm supposed to be going away on holiday for the week with the man I'm seeing soon. I'll be meeting his family at the same time. We'll be in a different country. Since I booked the flights (just over a week ago) I've slept badly; felt very anxious; felt convinced that it's a mistake; and the only thing that alleviates it is deciding to end it with him! I'm really worried that if we go away I'm going to fall in love with him because at the end of it he still won't love me. I don't feel like I could cope with that.

My brain is hurting from going over it all so often. I did a 2 hour each way drive today and that's all I did for the entire journey, go over and over it. I sort of want to talk to him about it, but what would I even say?

OP posts:

PollyIndia · 26/03/2014 17:35

Well, I think that if you feel that you need to know he is serious about you and loves you before you invest emotionally in a week away with him, then you should talk to him.
Just say you think you are falling for him and does he feel the same. If he doesn't yet and you don't think you can cope with a week away knowing he is your priority but you are not his (nicked that from someone else), then maybe best to postpone the trip??
I feel like with my relationship there needs to be a cutoff point, especially with DS involved. I can't risk him getting attached to someone if it isn't serious. Question is, what is that cutoff point?

Original poster

FolkGirl · 26/03/2014 17:40

Polly I really don't know what the cut of should be. I suppose I hope that people are decent enough and that they wouldn't meet the children, or suggest holidays if they weren't really interested, but then I've read enough threads on here to know that isn't the case.

I think you might be right. I'm seeing him this weekend. I think I might just have to bite the bullet.

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 26/03/2014 22:08

I said upthread that I knew after two months... it was love at first sight for me with XH, but it was two months before we had the conversation and actually said the words..... he moved in after 5 months.

I loved him so much and thought I couldn't live without him when he left. 2 years on, I am seeing somebody but unsure of my feelings for him. I look forward to seeing him and enjoy his company, but something holds me back.

After two weeks, he was saying, Ive been looking forward to holding you in my arms, its so nice to have somebody to care about, Ive been looking forward to seeing you, etc etc, but I just couldn't respond in the same way.

9,10 weeks in now, I have this week told him that I look forward to seeing him... so have advanced a bit! we did have a discussion last week and agreed that we are in a relationship. he has met my family and told his all about me. For logistical reasons I won't meet them any time soon, but when do, it will be on holiday like you.

I think maybe you do need to have a talk with him and clarify how he sees things at the moment.

Sallystyle · 26/03/2014 22:12

With my husband it was date number two. We have been married for 8 years.

I don't know whether or not it was love or more lust. I also fall in love quickly and love many people on different levels and to me it's all love.

Benzalkonium · 26/03/2014 22:17

Good luck with that, folk girl, it sounds hard!

SplitHeadGirl · 26/03/2014 22:17

Yes after date number two. It just hit me like WHAM!!! I actually want this man in my life, I am excited about him and gosh...I really, really LIKE him!!!!! (most men I find boring, lazy and arrogant....my DH was a fresh breath of wonderful air).

GuineaPigGaiters · 26/03/2014 22:32

Thing is, I think that until you have been through a lot together then you can't be sure you love them. Even perhaps when you HAVE been through. Lot and come out the other side still wanting to be together...
In any relationship your affection for and tolerance of others waxes and wanes...love (for me anyway) is what you find after you have been through years of these cycles, after you have got through a 'I'm not sure I even like you anymore' period or ten (aka having kids and co parenting and discovering one of you is better organised/more efficient) and have knocked one another's emotional corners off enough to fit well as a couple.
I've been married to DH for just 12 years and in that time i've had periods of intense love for him, of indifference towards him, of together ness and loneliness and respect and contempt and all the bits in between.
I fully expect a few (lot) more of those cycles, and I hope that we will continue, (as we have managed thus far) in always navigating the hard bits and finding our way back into one another's hearts. I'm hoping that on my death bed I can look back at our lives together and be satisfied we loved one another and did so well.
But this idea of 'love' that it's a static, tangible, possesable thing, that we present it as a fact rather than as a fluctuating state that we suddenly 'find' ourselves in presents us with issues. I believe it's why so many people split, the pressure to be 'in love' to be happy and compare ourselves to others all the time.
The ONLY people I have ever loved without question are our kids, that's something I have absolutely no choice over, it's an instinct, and even if they did something terrible in their lives or to me it would be impossible to cut that invisible cord that binds me to them. With DH living, loving and staying with him are a daily choice. One I hope we'll both continue working hard enough at to make it last.
The starstruck feeling, the 'this could be the one I can try and be with always' was very early days...but I'd thought so and been wrong previously, so I waited a good couple of years before letting him know. :o

justiceofthePeas · 27/03/2014 20:10

guineapig lovely post

SolidGoldBrass · 27/03/2014 21:01

It's also worth considering that it's not compulsory to fall in love with anyone, ever. While most people love their children, not everyone is bothered about romantic love, which is the least important kind anyway. WRT romantic and sexual relationships it's fine to enjoy them while the going's good, not take them seriously and bail out when you get bored (though if you've stuck it out long enough to have DC or shared finances, try to be fair about your exit).
Basically don't devote so much time fretting about 'being loved' that you forget to enjoy your life as it is.

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