In such a mess

[GracieLoo]

I'm seeing someone who I've know for quite a while. We first met a few years ago, when I was young, free and single. I fell for him, thought it was going well. Then he suddenly ignored my calls and texts, then I think he did text but sent a bit of a nasty text when I cancelled a date.

Fast forward a few years, I met someone, had dd but now a single mum. About a year ago it heard from this bloke again. He apologised, and we met up, again I thought it was going well, he stayed over, we went out for meals. Then he texted saying he wasn't in a good place, so needed time to think etc, etc.

I left it then, I was struggling myself with depression and couldn't deal with being messed about. But being vulnerable, when he started begging me to meet up, saying we'd be good together and he missed me, I fell for it. But had doubts, I don't completely trust him. I feel a bit used, he never buys me anything, pays for meals (not that I care too much about that, but a bottle of wine, flowers would be nice) Sometimes I haven't felt up for dtd, but he's not taken no for an answer. He's done stuff I didn't like, but he didn't listen.

He always comes to mine, I know nothing about him really, yet he talks about living together, our dd's meeting each other. I feel he's just going to ignore me again, yet he seems keener than me.

If you've got this far, I haven't even said why I need advice. I'm pregnant, early days. He doesn't know. I'm scared, I don't know what to do. I know I need to tell him but I don't want to. He could turn around and be supportive and move in (once he's got to know dd, not rushed), but then I'll always feel insecure. Or he'll not want anything to do with it. I am ok with the idea to being a single mum to two dc. I have friends and family for support. He's coming over tonight, but I really don't feel like sex. I'm tired and nauseous. I know I've been very stupid, it's my fault, my mess, but I'm really confused. I should talk to him tonight but I don't feel able to.

I just think if you are feeling vulnerable right now, he doesn't sound like the person for you to get involved with, if you should be getting involved with anyone right now. I think you need to concentrate on building up your self-confidence for yourself and your child

I have been having doubts this week, can't stop thinking about all the crap stuff that's gone on. And if it was meant to be there wouldn't have been all the gaps, and I wouldn't feel uncomfortable. I still have a lot to sort out though, think it's going to be hard. Felt crap this wkend, and really irritable. Lack of sleep makes it worse, and anxiety is making it really hard to relax even though I'm knackered.

Can't bear to have him near me, but not really wanting to see anyone. I've got too many decisions to make and stuff to sort out.

And now there's arsey texts being sent. He doesn't seem to realise he's done anything wrong.

This guy, as others have said, wants you on HIS terms. You turning him down doesn't work for him. YOU don't make the decisions, he does.

That's not how a relationship works.

As for the "what if I say no but he keeps going and..." the underlined section should NEVER be there. You say no. End of sentence. That's it. It's not necessarily rape (I understand how you struggle with that word), but you must know it is assault. You're being pushed to do something you don't want to do until you give in. Try and imagine how you would feel if your child told you someone pushed them to do something that made them uncomfortable...

Think back to how your relationship was in the beginning. Think about how he then MARRIED someone else. No thought of you. Then he's alone and he looks up the woman who lets him have sex with her. You'll do until he finds someone else.

Still need to tell him about the pregnancy though. Unless I just go through with the other option. Which is easier said than done.

I honestly don't think you're in a mental state to handle him if you tell him you're pregnant. I believe his need to control you will increase if you tell him you're pregnant.

Tell him for sure, but not yet. There's no need to tell him yet. Your main concern is to get yourself safe, both mentally and physically (sexually included). Get yourself checked by a doctor, find out how far along you are and all that.

I should have a few appts this week, mh team, GP etc, so at least I can talk to someone about things.

Seconding sykadelic and sending warm wishes, and

Gracie Good to hear. How are you coping? Has he been harassing you by text? How are things?

OP, I have looked up a lot of your old threads and as i remember, they are concerning.

Please contact your MH worker and let them know you are pregnant.

And get some further help.