In such a mess

[GracieLoo]

I'm seeing someone who I've know for quite a while. We first met a few years ago, when I was young, free and single. I fell for him, thought it was going well. Then he suddenly ignored my calls and texts, then I think he did text but sent a bit of a nasty text when I cancelled a date.

Fast forward a few years, I met someone, had dd but now a single mum. About a year ago it heard from this bloke again. He apologised, and we met up, again I thought it was going well, he stayed over, we went out for meals. Then he texted saying he wasn't in a good place, so needed time to think etc, etc.

I left it then, I was struggling myself with depression and couldn't deal with being messed about. But being vulnerable, when he started begging me to meet up, saying we'd be good together and he missed me, I fell for it. But had doubts, I don't completely trust him. I feel a bit used, he never buys me anything, pays for meals (not that I care too much about that, but a bottle of wine, flowers would be nice) Sometimes I haven't felt up for dtd, but he's not taken no for an answer. He's done stuff I didn't like, but he didn't listen.

He always comes to mine, I know nothing about him really, yet he talks about living together, our dd's meeting each other. I feel he's just going to ignore me again, yet he seems keener than me.

If you've got this far, I haven't even said why I need advice. I'm pregnant, early days. He doesn't know. I'm scared, I don't know what to do. I know I need to tell him but I don't want to. He could turn around and be supportive and move in (once he's got to know dd, not rushed), but then I'll always feel insecure. Or he'll not want anything to do with it. I am ok with the idea to being a single mum to two dc. I have friends and family for support. He's coming over tonight, but I really don't feel like sex. I'm tired and nauseous. I know I've been very stupid, it's my fault, my mess, but I'm really confused. I should talk to him tonight but I don't feel able to.

Just a thought. He's recently divorced with a DC. I presume he's the NRP. He seems awfully keen for your DCs to meet. Might it be a nice, easy arrangement for his contact times?

Take care of yourself OP and trust your instincts. I know that can be hard, especially when your mental health isn't at it's peak.

I'm really scared of telling him about the pregnancy. No idea when, where or how to say it. Getting pressure from the few who I've confided in, to tell him. But they don't know everything, they might assume I just want to be a single mum, or I've just made the same mistake as I did before (not that dd is a mistake).

But if he ignores my calls or deletes from fb then there's no way of contacting him.

You are right about it being hard to make decisions when depressed, and normally I wouldn't recommend it.

you sound as if you have decided to keep the baby. But please decide to bin this man. (Will you need to claim for support via CSA though?)

Give yourself a year or more to just be yourself, and work on your mh with your mh team (if you are in secondary services).

The Mental Health board is full of lovely people who understand from their own experience of mh and support each other with their mh.

warm wishes (ulp, post sounds very directive, but tis hearfelt advice)

*heartfelt

The thing is, my mh problems are long term, I feel like I'm forever putting off decisions. I want to enjoy this pregnancy, not feel ashamed or hide away. I think I've got to accept some people are going to talk about me, think negatively about it, and if I lose some friends then that will just have to happen. I'm not expecting everyone to rally around me.

I can't stop thinking about pp's calling it rape. It didn't feel like it, but I imagine it to be violent like on tv etc.

Yes, I thought they were - but being with this bloke will only make them worse - trust me on this one, I've been there.

I don't know what to do next

I'm sorry he sounds horrible.

I would terminate I'm afraid and move quickly on. You will be tied to this man forever and I don't think it will be happy for you.

Would saying you're poorly buy you some time for now?

OP this is not normal. It is not normal to be in your bedroom in case he comes to the house. I am really worried that you're not seeing his sexual assaults for what they are.

Do not tell him about the pregnancy.

Do not take advice from people who care for you but don't have all of the facts. They would be heartbroken, I'm sure, to learn that they'd asked you to stay with a rapist.

Do go the doctor's tomorrow for advice and a chat.

I'm starting to feel really torn. He said he wants to do nice things and wants to see me. Have I made a mistake? Maybe I should try to make things work and I took everything out of context?

Please, please take some time to think carefully through your options. You are at a crossroads in your life......

Please love yourself first

I think it's easy to think that all rape is violent. It isn't. He has raped you from what you describe, and he gets away with it by otherwise acting normal and gentle and caring.

Please pay attention to the facts about what he does not what he says.

Please don't rush in to any decision. You have days to take a break from him and talk to people you can trust, telling them everything. Please speak to your doctor tomorrow.

I think he will turn up the charm if he feels you pulling away from his control.

He has absolutely positively raped you.

Rape requires no force

Rape is penetrating someone in the absence of any reasonable (reasonable from the average persons perspective) belief that they consented.
He absolutely did not have any grounds to believe you had consented. You said no. No means no.
There is no presumption of consent just because you were already having sex, foreplay, kissing. As soon as you say no- he backs the fuck off (and a normal person would be very worried and embarrassed and ask what's wrong).
I have seen a successful rape prosecution on less (he carried on for a few thrusts, then stopped and apologised). Please please trust that this is rape.
I am only so keen for you to see this so that you can see the objective "wrongness" of the relationship.

Leave this man.

I personally wouldn't be telling my rapist that I was pregnant with his child. Do you live close to one another; will he inevitably find out?

Tbh his text to you sounded to me like he enjoyed having sex with you and wanted some more. Did you have sex last time you saw one another? He didn't even ask how you were. You believe he may know you SH. I'm assuming he knows at least a little about MH issues? He didn't even think to ask how you were given these things?
He is not a good man.

I am so sorry for you op. But well done for protecting your dd from this man you have don't the right thing by not introducing them.

Sending you as much strength as poss!

I can't help it but I feel I'm the one ruining this relationship. I didn't see him last night and have tried to explain why. Guess I'll see in the next couple of weeks if his character will change or not. If he's still wanting to see me then I think I've buggered this up. Getting twinges in my belly and feeling nauseous, making everything more real and scary, yet I feel inwardly excited I'm growing another baby. Just wish it wasn't like this.

Done not don't. Bloomin' autospell.

Why do you think his character will change? I've never known anyone turn their character in two weeks. He will still be an unreliable, dangerous "partner".

Somebody wanting to see you is not a good enough reason to open the door, let alone let them come in.

Dirtybadger he does know I struggle at times with depression, but not the full extent of my issues. But he's never asked. The last time we met up, I said let's meet for lunch (as I felt all we did was spend evenings at mine). After lunch he wanted to come back to mine but is said I had things to do partly true

He doesn't live near me, knows none of my friends or family, so the only contact he has is by phone, and of course he knows where I live. I don't think he's the sort of person to turn up banging on my door, I must admit I'm feeling a bit on edge and have locked doors and closed curtains. I do get anxious sometimes anyway.

GracieLoo your situation has horrified and frightened me. I gasped aloud when i heard that you were pregnant by this awful person.

This man sounds like a total manipulator and exploiter.
We know he is a rapist.

Inside, every part of me from molecule to soul is screaming fear for you but i have no idea what words might reach you ...

Please, reject this man who will become your dominator. You may think depression is a tyrant but you've seen nothing til this man gets a hold of your mind and life. Don't let this happen. Please.

I don't know what to say, Gracie. This man has raped you - this is not a normal thing to happen in relationships. Somehow your boundaries have been skewed if you think this is normal behaviour.

Frankly, I think I'd advise you to not tell him about the pregnancy and never see or speak to him again. He's an abuser and a manipulator.

Make a decision about the pregnancy yourself - there is nothing wrong with having the baby without him as long as you feel you would be able to cope (and you've said you can).

I can't remember if I said no then let him carry on, or agreed to it at first then changed my mind. It was a year ago. There was another time he stayed over and wouldn't leave me alone. I was sore the next day. But again I thought that was normal. I suppose lying there feeling used isn't nice, but I let it happen. I didn't push him off and get him out of the house. Hearing it called rape is frightening, and I feel confused now.

He never asks anything about me and that doesn't help my self-esteem, just makes me feel worthless. But then him wanting me physically made me feel wanted in that way.

It really doesn't matter what the details of it were in terms of what you did or didn't say about having sex.

Even if the sex had been consensual, and mutually enjoyable, I would still be advising you to have nothing further to do with this man. I've drawn this conclusion from everything else you have said about him.

If you continue to have anything to do with him, your self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness will only get worse. (I too had long-term depression, from before my relationship and during its early stages. The relationship itself then took over in maintaining, and worsening, my depression.)

Sorry I'm trying to read through posts and answer stuff. Logg1e I meant if his character changes from nice to nasty. He hasn't shown a nasty side to me, verbally. He's quite quiet and doesn't say much.

That's why I said you should pay attention to what he does not what he says. Anyone can say nice, charming things. It makes their behaviour even more confusing and distressing.

Your partner should make you feel safe and warm just to be You.

Aside from everything else - you have no relationship? You don't see him for a long time, he blocks you on facebook, secretive with his phone (OW?) you never go out, he will only see you on his terms when it suits - if you put a foot wrong he vanishes and punishes you with silence. That enough is plenty of red flags isn't it?