In such a mess

[GracieLoo]

I'm seeing someone who I've know for quite a while. We first met a few years ago, when I was young, free and single. I fell for him, thought it was going well. Then he suddenly ignored my calls and texts, then I think he did text but sent a bit of a nasty text when I cancelled a date.

Fast forward a few years, I met someone, had dd but now a single mum. About a year ago it heard from this bloke again. He apologised, and we met up, again I thought it was going well, he stayed over, we went out for meals. Then he texted saying he wasn't in a good place, so needed time to think etc, etc.

I left it then, I was struggling myself with depression and couldn't deal with being messed about. But being vulnerable, when he started begging me to meet up, saying we'd be good together and he missed me, I fell for it. But had doubts, I don't completely trust him. I feel a bit used, he never buys me anything, pays for meals (not that I care too much about that, but a bottle of wine, flowers would be nice) Sometimes I haven't felt up for dtd, but he's not taken no for an answer. He's done stuff I didn't like, but he didn't listen.

He always comes to mine, I know nothing about him really, yet he talks about living together, our dd's meeting each other. I feel he's just going to ignore me again, yet he seems keener than me.

If you've got this far, I haven't even said why I need advice. I'm pregnant, early days. He doesn't know. I'm scared, I don't know what to do. I know I need to tell him but I don't want to. He could turn around and be supportive and move in (once he's got to know dd, not rushed), but then I'll always feel insecure. Or he'll not want anything to do with it. I am ok with the idea to being a single mum to two dc. I have friends and family for support. He's coming over tonight, but I really don't feel like sex. I'm tired and nauseous. I know I've been very stupid, it's my fault, my mess, but I'm really confused. I should talk to him tonight but I don't feel able to.

He hasn't blocked me on fb or ignored my calls recently, I just meant if he did I would have no way of contacting him. It also wasn't recent that he's ignored me, must have been end of last year? But that's why it's hard and I don't know where I stand as he alternates between hot/cold.

I'm taking on board everything you've all said. I've got to talk to my mental health team and get as much support as I can. Really appreciate everyone's support and advice.

I'm so pleased your turning to Real Life support. Take care of yourself, this has been a really frightening tale to read.

He hasn't done it recently but he did do it before though.

Good for you talking to the team about it. There are always folk here too whenever you want an ear.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten anyone. If anyone met him they would think he is really nice. Part of me still thinks he is and this is all to do with me and my issues. I might show my mh worker some of this thread, but I'm worried she'll think I'm dramatizing it and make me feel stupid I know I'm stupid

Everyone is nice some of the time Gracie! It's the not nice times that make the difference.

No you are not stupid. He will be nice to you sometimes, cycle of abuse. Nice then nasty, then nice again to lure you into a false sense of security. Sometimes gaslighting too - all designed to make you doubt yourself and have no confidence in yourself or your choices. Kept vulnerable you are easier to bully and control.

You are most certainly not stupid! Monsters often have the ability to appear charming. It came as a surprise when I left the abusive man who controlled my life and MH for so long, to see everyone sighing with relief and declaring that they could sense and see beneath the surface. I defended him if anyone tried to drop a hint. I wish one of them had been brave enough to really tell me what they saw.

I wasn't stupid either, though I obviously had issues that let me be tricked by this "type". It isn't stupid to be naive when it comes to recognising predators and badness. Why would you? You're a good person!

It is excellent news that you're going to talk with your MH team. Let us know here what they say and how they might help you?

He wants to come round tonight, he texted me at 6.30am to say can we just talk as he doesn't understand what happened. He did ask if is slept well! Maybe I just see him later and see what he says?

Gracie, if you see him later he'll be wonderful, and charming, and he'll make you think you were wrong. And you'll take him back. And then it will start all over again.

He ignored you when you didn't want to have sex with him. This is NOT A GOOD BLOKE. Don't do it lovely.

RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE :(

Do not see him tonight. As Mairzy says above, he'll be all charming and mess with your head.

Do not tell him you're pregnant under any circumstances!!!! If you chose to have the baby, bring him/her up independent of this abusive bastard. Do not let him be involved in your life for the rest of time..please.

GracieLoo please DON'T see him! After destroying my life, my finances and a whole lot more my ex started turning up at my door with flowers. I could smell the hunt in him by then. Nothing would satisfy him while i still breathed and if outright Terror wouldn't finish me off then he'd try killing me with kindness.

There is no need to see this man at all is there? Are you still of a mind to try and make this relationship work? Easy. Just surrender everything that is You. And when the time comes he might take your child too, just to watch your pain and control the last drop of your soul. You could see how that goes if you wish. I found it was nothing less than Hell on Earth.

I probably sound ridiculously dramatic but this all happened to me.

Please don't tell him about your pregnancy; it would be tantamount to giving him a collar and leash for you.

Have you contacted your MH team yet?

He is a user and worse.
You are not ready for a relationship,you can't see that he is bad for you and your dc he doesn't bring you happiness and security now so he never will.
You don't owe him anything if you don't want to see him then don't ,he doesn't respect you or care about your feelings.

Gracie, please please please listen to what every single PP has said. What is clear to us, and hopefully will become clear to you, is that his behaviour is completely unacceptable, regardless of your mental health. If he had behaved this way towards someone with no history of mental illness, we would still be saying the same thing- get out and get out now.
Rape is not always a stranger in a dark alley at midnight. It is not difficult to tell when someone feels uncomfortable and withdraws their consent during DTD, even without crying or pleading. I know you are questioning an awful lot right now, but please trust us and our judgement. This relationship is not normal, this man is manipulating you to take advantage of you and get what he wants. Let us help you work through this. Unmumsnetty hugs

He is utterly awful.

Please listen to the posters on this thread, OP. It is NOT you. It really isn't.

Get rid of this horrible man, then take some time to think about your future.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Please read this op. Print it out and discuss it with your MH team in relation to this man. he does not care about you or either of the children. He sees you as vulnerable and is using anything he can to manipulate and keep you dangling at his mercy!

There is a real undercurrent of threat throughout your posts OP which makes for very uncomfortable reading.
You are very vulnerable and he knows this. He's trying to play you like a fiddle - don't let him. Listen to the advice given here and save yourself (and your child/children) years of heartbreak.
You keep making excuses for him, doubting what you've said - you know what? It's your gut instinct talking. It's there for a reason. You posted here for a reason.

Please don't agree to any further contact or tell him about your pregnancy (whatever your decision about it).
Your body, your choice!
He will use your unborn child as much as he will use the 2 existing children as a means to keep you vulnerable and available to him!

I just need to ask this though, it happened last year, when I hadn't seen him for a long time. Maybe he just read me wrong. Recently I think I have felt uncomfortable but hidden it. But he's saying he really likes me, wants it to work out. He's not 'rough', he's got a decent job, appears to be a good dad and sees and supports his dd.

I'm worried I'm painted the wrong picture of him, yes that's what's happened and how I felt, I do feel unsure but that's how I am anyway. Suffering from depression and anxiety doesn't help with being indecisive or lacking motivation.

A lot of you have posted saying the same thing which worries me, but some may be going on personal experiences? I'm taking it all in and I'm thinking about this properly, however I think I need to have a good talk with him (not about pregnancy yet) and just see what happens. I'll give myself space to think too. But if he's serious and wants to settle down, maybe I need to allow myself to be treated nicely. I'm aware I push people away sometimes.

I haven't spoken to anyone from the mh team yet as they've let me down a lot recently, meant to have had a phonecall on Monday but still waiting. I've got other rl support though.

Is it the fact I said no one time, or that he comes and gods when it suits him that's worse. My heads still a mess. I don't want anyone having a go at me.

It is everything - but yep, he did rape you, and no am not speaking from personal experience.

But ignoring that he messes you around and treats you like rubbish and makes you doubt yourself. Why do you think we all have the same opinion of him - could it be because we are right about him. Are you going to believe one man against all of us. We have no vested interest in this, are objective, educated people with a wealth of experience. Why do you think we would tell you he is bad for you?

Are you really going to see him tonight? This is not about giving him an opportunity to be nice, you are giving him an opportunity to abuse you. You need to stop him.

Having him around is not going to make anything any clearer in your mind. Definitely agree that the 'nice' things he says are a form of manipulation.

No one should have a go at you love. That won't help.
From what I've read, people here have your back on this and can see alarm bells.
A big red flag for me is that he wants to be involved with you on HIS terms, not yours. He is happy to use his child because he is not the resident parent - you are!He will use these children to manipulate you. You have a responsibility to protect your child as well as yourself.
He does not want you to meet his friends and relatives or have his contact details. All the things that could give you information about him! Without that you are vulnerable to being abused.

Apart from the major red flags waving madly - the abusive behaviour, the secretiveness etc, he's not even treating you well on a more trivial level is he?
No effort to woo you or date you properly, just nasty, entitled, abusive behaviour. Oh, but saying the right things from time to time. Look at his actions not his words.
I feel you're a little like a lamb to the slaughter at the moment OP - please be very careful.
It's not only you, you have a daughter and another on the way. Think of them too.

Your head is a mess. It will not get clear while he is there pouring more mud in it.

Take time and space. A couple of days is not enough. A couple of weeks minimum. A month or two if you can.

If you are 100% you are keeping this child it doesn't matter whether you tell him today or in two months.

This is so hard. Keep thinking what would I say to a friend in this position, but I can't think straight! I know if it was meant to be, it would be so on/off but then I feel we haven't given each other a chance, and there must be 'something' if we're still in contact.

He's not hidden me on fb and there's nothing on there which rings alarm bells. I can't cancel again, so maybe I'll see how tonight goes. I'm not scared of him, more scared of my own head. I was feeling really low and suicidal a few weeks ago, now all this. I don't think I can cope with it, I just want a 'normal' relationship. One minute I think it'll all work out and he is nice (I can't see him being abusive but I couldn't see my ex was cheating on me when everyone else could). The next minute I'm scared, want to run away with dd and do it alone.