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Original poster

my dh resents me for not working

652 replies

thestarryskiesabove · 23/03/2014 21:10

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

OP posts:
bonesarecoralmade · 25/03/2014 11:42

Teacakeeater, what do you mean by this

"Pagwatch, I've noticed a few blokes in the generation younger than me getting quite shrill about their partners being SAHMs with pre-school kids. Expectations are changing."

shrill in what sense?

redskyatnight · 25/03/2014 11:46

There are also plenty of SAHM who use cleaners, gardeners and ironing services. And SAHMs who use CMs and grandparents and after school clubs for childcare. Sliding scales of everything.

HappyGirlNow · 25/03/2014 11:47

Yes actually I do respect you all much more when you're honest Grin

^ That's serious btw.

I understand why mums may not want to work when the kids are pre-school.. But why wouldn't you want to develop yourself once they are at school? If that's because you like sitting about the house/doing your hobbies then fine - that's a choice you've made and we all make our own choices in life... I just think it's a bit insulting to try and make out you work as hard as employed mums - because that's clearly BS..

Badvoc · 25/03/2014 11:48

Quite. My point exactly.

enlightenmequick · 25/03/2014 11:49

red

sorry, but we must not be reading the same thread. Confused

Lots and lots on here commenting who have pre schoolers, lots of discussion involving pre school sahm.

But considering she said ' stay at home mums.' I assumed that to mean all of us, not just the ones with school age.

Original poster
thestarryskiesabove · 25/03/2014 11:50

just had a good look for bunny, still missing!

creamycooler, i'm joining you for lunch, in imaginary mumsnet world - i might even have a glass of wine!

OP posts:
TeacakeEater · 25/03/2014 11:51

They are resentful and they want their wives to go back to work, in one case the bloke complained publicly as he wants a bigger house and a newer car and felt his wife was blocking this. I think in the past it would have been the norm that a parent was at home with a pre schooler, now many are seeing that as unreasonable.

TeacakeEater · 25/03/2014 11:52

sorry that was to bones.

redskyatnight · 25/03/2014 11:54

Most of the discussion round pre-schoolers was about how it was hard when you have pre-schoolers but this changed when the DC started school.
The OP has school age children.

impty · 25/03/2014 11:56

I just think it's a bit insulting to try and make out you work as hard as employed mums - because that's clearly BS

Well, hand on heart never done it since children have been at school. At home all day 24/7 with pre schoolers is hard work, and there were days when swapping that for a job would be desirable.

I would never claim to have a difficult life day to day.

There are downsides to being a sahm too though. Lose of confidence, lose of identity, being two that come to mind immediately.

enlightenmequick · 25/03/2014 11:57

My DP wants me to go back to work. He knows this will give us more money to afford new things, better lifestyle.

He also knows that this is quite impossible just now as my whole wage would be wiped out on childcare.

Perhaps we should all stand up and say either,

My name is x and i am a sahp. I admit I have more time to do my hobbies.

or

My name is x and i am a wop. I admit I want the better lifestyle and the cash.

(neither is true, by the way, but wouldn't it be really mean of sahp to accuse working mums of putting the cash first.)

siiiiiiiiigh · 25/03/2014 11:59

Velvet - you are not comparing the same situations.

We survive on DH's wage, have done for a long time. There is one clapped out car, holidays in a tent, me doing strict budgeting and not many frills. Cloth is cut accordingly. You are talking about a situation where ends aren't meeting. They are not the same.

We DID do an extension last year - so, we are now mortgaged up to the hilt. That was a sensible decision, I was at home to manage builders/plumbers/and make curtains, by some miracle we got a loan that was manageable and we have no pension, so, we've built something that we can sell and taken that gamble. It wouldn't have happened if I'd been working.

Add to that, the redundancy - I could not earn enough to cover our mortgages. To be honest, the best scene scenario for us is for him to lose his job. It's only a house. It'd sell, we'd move out the city nearer to family into a smaller place and live mortgage free. He'd get a job with more reasonable hours, and I'd get a job too. We'd have more time together as a family, he'd be less stressed and I'd get a break from the home drama.

Unfortunately, like many people, his ego is wrapped up in his job. So, if he gets made redundant he'll be crushed.

wordfactory · 25/03/2014 12:02

teacake that's interesting.

I've gone back to do some WOH relatively recently and many of my colleagues are younger women. I've been glad to hear that quite a few have SAHPs and of those whose partners work, the sharing of domestic arrangements and child care seems more equal.

DH says he's seen a bit of movement even in the city Shock.

Certainly he now does school runs etc and no one bats an eyelid. That said, he's now incredibly senior and can run his own diary. Even clients now work around him, prepared to wait because they want him.

I hope things are improving!

YouAreMyFavouriteWasteOfTime · 25/03/2014 12:02

i dont think this is a SAH/WOH issue for the OP. it looks more like a relationship problem. if she worked FT, chances are, it would not be as well paid as his job and the same (mutual) lack of appreciation would continue, albeit in a different format.

bonesarecoralmade · 25/03/2014 12:07

I agree, youaremyfavouritewasteoftime, and that is all the more reason why making this into a SAHM / WOHM FITE thread serves no purpose.

TeacakeEater · 25/03/2014 12:22

I am glad to see more dad participation (I was raised by a great WAHD so my expectations were always high.)

Sadly the men I've been hearing complaining are rather chauvinistic in outlook but now think the (to their eyes worthless) childminding should be outsourced so the wives can do a bit more providing. They are not volunteering childcare so the partner works weekends for example! I do live in a non-cosmopolitan place.

I do also see a few SAHD and PT working dads who do lots of childcare which all adds to life's tapestry and helps their partners build careers.

bishbashboosh · 25/03/2014 12:25

While do people value spare time so much??????!!??!

TeacakeEater · 25/03/2014 12:26

Why do people not value time to themselves?!

Pagwatch · 25/03/2014 12:30

If I didn't have so much spare time I wouldn't be able to type as many exclamation points as I wanted !!!!!!!!!!!!!

TruffleOil · 25/03/2014 12:32

The thing about having very young children in school is that 1. one of them is very frequently sick 2. there are a lot of school holidays.

I'm a quasi-SAHM of school-aged children and sure there are some easy parts but equally there's a lot of work that 1. displaces outsourcing 2. displaces working partner's work within the home, thereby reducing inequality and 3. improves overall quality of life for everyone at home.

wordfactory · 25/03/2014 12:33

Teacake I feel more optimistic about the way things are going, but might be a Pollyanna Grin.

I think for boys growing up, the expectations are complicated. Where men of the other generations woul dhave expected to work and their wives stay at home, younger men know that their partners will in all liklihood work. The cost of living and house prices in particular make it more and more necessary.

The trouble is the expectations that women will work have to come alongside an expectation that men will muck in and do their fair share. But that's not always filtering through, and not likley to in households where men are spared any and all domestic duites.

Pagwatch · 25/03/2014 12:34

Time in which you do that which brings you joy is the stuff of life.

Of course, if you are lucky enough to be fulfilled by your job or your parenting/home life then that is marvellous.

wordfactory · 25/03/2014 12:36

True pag but no disrespect to the poster below but does anyone get any joy from watching TeenMom or reading Closer?

That just sounds like time filling to me.

TruffleOil · 25/03/2014 12:36

True pag but no disrespect to the poster below but does anyone get any joy from watching TeenMom or reading Closer?

I'm currently watching Revenge and it's a bit meh.

Pagwatch · 25/03/2014 12:36

Wordfactory
Dh was senior in the city. He is hands on with the children - meetings, school plays, drop off, pick ups etc.
Certainly all of his staff know his views and the men are encouraged to get work/home life balance right.
It has changed a lot.
Thank god.