my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

but, what do you all do that makes it work?

In the absence of a partner with flexible working, grandparents who are local+willing+fit or a salary which will pay well enough to cover childcare - well, what am I missing?

My circumstances are not unique - DH works long hours and he is not available for the school run. We do not have local family support.

Frustratingly, there is a job that would be perfect for me, and they want me! 18 hours, which they'll let me work over 4 days, so school hours. But, that means paying for 4 days childcare x3 in the holidays - and that's just not financially viable.

Add to that, one of our kids is chronically sick and is about to start new treatment which means I'll have frequent appointments to accommodate.

I am therefore, unemployable right now.

I think you need to give some credit to those of us who say "it's not as easy as that" and not presume that we are lazily waiting for something to fall into our laps.

I have been looking for work for 3 years. I want to work. I have tried to set up 3 self-employment plans. I have tried to get reciprocal childcare. I could get a job tomorrow - but, I'd make no money.

And, I recognise what the OP says - my DH is resentful of the situation. Which, I understand. So am I.

I hope you manage to find work OP and that your dh stops treating you with disdain and contempt. I think I'd find it hard to move on from that, even if the disdain and contempt stopped once I went back to work. Maybe some relationship counselling would be in order?

I see where you're coming from siiiiiigh

Frustratingly, there is a job that would be perfect for me, and they want me! 18 hours, which they'll let me work over 4 days, so school hours. But, that means paying for 4 days childcare x3 in the holidays - and that's just not financially viable.

Add to that, one of our kids is chronically sick and is about to start new treatment which means I'll have frequent appointments to accommodate.

I am therefore, unemployable right now

See, I struggle to see why any of that makes you unemployable. Yes, you'd need to pay for childcare during the holidays, but presumably you could take some time off as annual leave, as could your DH. Is the rest really unaffordable if you budget for it throughout the year?

As for the medical appointments, there are two people in my team who have kids with chronic medical conditions, and they do need time off for appointments etc, but they make up for it in other ways, and I wouldn't not have them on the team. We just work around them.

I'm not saying that there aren't exceptional circumstances where it would truly be impossible for someone to go out to work, but most of the time, I think that where there's a will there's a way. If people don't want to work, or don't think it's worth the hassle of sorting childcare etc, that's fair enough. However, I think a lot of the obstacles that people put in the way are imaginary.

I think there is a lot more work being done by ordinary families these days.
I am used to seeing my mum work all the time - she had a full time demanding job, a husband who was domestically waited on, and we had takeaway / M&S ready food about once a year. Internet shopping had not been invented. She never sat down.

However, our next door neighbour never had a job. They had a big house, 2 children, dad went out to work, mum brought up the kids and later I suppose messed about hoovering things with little attachments (or actually more likely did various forms of charity / voluntary / community stuff, as traditional SAHMs always used to do)

My mum always felt inadequate compared to her because their house was like a show home. But I thought anyone whose house was that relentlessly primped and zhuzhed must be a bit bored.

Anyway I suppose where this is leading to, is that there wasn't that much work for two adults. I guess one way of looking at it is that the dad did the bulk of the work once the kids were at school but I don't see it that way, as his wife would have had 5 years of no sleep and after that I think it is fine to swan about for a while, upgrading the curtains and feeding the doves in the dove cote (Minifingers' life basically). I am sure the whole family benefited from having a clever energetic creative adult at home. It's definitely easier for her - but for the whole family too. It's simple: let's just posit for the sake of argument that being a SAHM / housewife is a full time job (and you can make it so, if you are determined to, though I am not sure I would bother) - then the traditional set up is two adults and two full time jobs. My set up is two adults and three full time jobs. (or three and a half as dp freelances on top)

So obviously it is harder. It's worth it because we can't afford our house without it, and I get a kick out of having a good job too. But it is definitely, net, more work.

But that is not the point. I shouldn't be on here pointing the finger and going "Slacker!" (I am not). We should all be, effectively, looking at the accounts - the social accounts - and saying "Who's cooking the books? And who is benefiting from this extra labour?"

This is the question, and it requires unity to be asked properly, answered properly, and for reparations to be made.

Siiiigh

39 weeks work.
13 weeks school holidays.
Min 5 weeks annual leave incl BHs.
8 weeks holidays to cover.
Even if you paid £100pw per child for holidays cover (summer holiday clubs can be much cheaper) = £2400.

Unless you will be earning less than £2400 pa you will be in profit.

Thius is worst case scenario as many workplaces will allow you to condense hours over summer for example, you work 3 full dasys rather than 4 part.

Plus I presume your DH has at least some leave.

Plus if GPs/Aunties etc live a long way away, would they have DCs for a short break?

You are never going to get a better offer than an 18 hour school hour job, although I realise if your DC is chroniucally unwell it is more dfifgicult. Most importantly your DH should be working WITH you to find solutions.

Bit late to this, Sorry but have to have my belated say

He shouldn't be taking his frustrations out on you. It's unfair and unreasonable. You are carrying out the role that you both agreed on. And no-one should underestimate the joy of having someone at home keeping things ticking over, ensuring that he doesn't have to come home to chaos and a pesto pasta AGAIN for dinner! I have often wished I had someone to come home to..... and a house that looked like a house not a bombsite. And also someone who does all the child stuff that I feel guilty about only getting done by the skin of my teeth - homework, forms filled in for trips, being available to help out with school etc.

HOWEVER.... being the only earner is a burden and a worry. Life is bloody expensive these days. There is also the potential of losing his job - not impossible for anyone these day and that adds massive stress. It may be that although he agreed to this he had his doubts and secretly hoped you'd get a job asap. Maybe he'd secretly like to have a go at being the SAHP - dads don't usually get the chance to do that and it might be that he never realised how much he'd enjoy his kids until they were here.

Don't get me wrong, I like my job, I don't think I'd have been a very happy parent at home all the time. but maybe I'd have liked the chance to try it. Perhaps he feels the same?

Have you actually asked him and properly talked about it?

The unimaginative, smug ignorance of some posters is thoroughly depressing. Do you bucketheads never think about the logistics of transport, for instance? Not everyone drives, not everyone can afford to run a car, and not everywhere has adequate or affordable transport links. This particularly to whoever was berating a poster for walking to and from the shops. Maybe that's the only way to GET to the shops in her area.

Lack of transport is another factor that affects people's jobhunting and is completely ignored by the comfortably off. If you don't live in a town, there are fewer local jobs anyway, and if you have no car (or the family car is in use by your WOH partner) travelling to an available job might not be possible. A trip to work that is 15 minutes by car could be over an hour by public transport.

And some children have health issues, which mean at least one parent having to be available at short notice on a very frequent basis - not many childminders or after-school club staff are either willing or able to take DC to regular medical appointments or deal with administering complicated medication (sure, some will give Calpol or a cough mixture, but doing injections or massage? Probably not). And a lot of schools, certainly WRT 4-8 year olds, are very keen on song concerts, sports days, plays etc and base everything on the assumption that at least one parent is at home and available to attend or 'help out'.

I also think that a lot of the people going on about how they managed OK actually did their 'managing OK' about 10 years ago, when the whole economic and work climate was very different, and they are too complacent to appreciate this.

Are there other issues in your marriage?
Is he a bit OCD about housework himself?
Does he hate his job?
Does he think you are lazy generally?
Does he think that he is not?
Was laziness an issue in his childhood?

I work FT - long hours, lots of travel- in a job I love. Without the support DP gives me in terms of looking after the DC and all domestic arrangements this would not be possible. I certainly wouldn't be able to hold down a role as senior as the one I have now whilst juggling ECAs and dentist appointments.

I don't do anything at home in terms of chores, that's not a boast just fact, and TBH I don't expect to. The DC are at school and DP has plenty of help. But hat is our arrangement and it works for us.

The only time I ever get a bit is when I stagger in after 16 hours away from home only to be told what a tough job juggling the DC is as if I am clueless

Solid. I was discussing the availability of work in different areas (we noticed "Help Wanted" signs on a trip out to a tourist town this weekend.)

Realised that our suburban, commuter area is particularly rubbish for finding part-time work. Then again housing is significantly cheaper here than the cities.

Let me ask you ask you this siiiiiigh. If you DH died tomorrow and left you a single parent, how would you support your DC? Staying at home isn't an option for single parents once their DC turn 5 and most, including myself, manage to pay for childcare etc with only 1 income (albeit some of us get some help with costs).
Or you could do what my parents did for years, one works nights or weekends and one works days. Zero childcare costs. Having a partner allows you lots of options.

Bee - yep, I've done the maths too.

But, there's more than sums to take into account - there is no childcare in our area. None. No breakfast club, no after school spaces (12 month waiting list for a Wednesday), two childminders who are full and I won't earn enough to pay for a nanny.

It's not just about money - it's about being employable. Last week our kid was blue-lighted to A+E on Monday, home on Tuesday night. Back five hours later, spent the night in A+E. nurse came to house on Wednesday, readmitted on Thursday, home on Friday. he's still off school, going back to GP this morning. will, hopefully, go back on Friday for the morning. So, emergency days are just that - emergency DAYS, not weeks. I'd be the annoying person you work with phoning in saying "I can't come in today, kid's unwell". And, frankly, I'm knackered.

You are right, DH should be working with me - but, his job is under threat and so any changes I make cannot make any demands on his working day. He's working long hours to keep his job, he's stressed and is not available.

That's not a mumsnet friendly statement to make - but, it is the truth of some of our circumstances. Not all DH's are good at beign equal partners, and that's not always enough of a reason to LTB.

So, I suppose it's the kid's illness which precludes me from working. That and the lack of childcare...I registered to do a childminder's course seeing as how there's a gap in the market, but, would you want a childminder with a chronically ill kid of her own? Of course not.

I know I won't get a better option than 18 hours in school hours. And, I can't apply for it.

like I said, frustrating. But, not laziness and not bad maths.

I have actually lost sight of what this bloody thread is about and was about to post some nonsense about working full time with school age DCs. And then I Realised that actually, the OP doesn't care.

Because she said way up thread that she did actually want to work, which is her decision, and that she is looking for a job but is finding it difficult.

Which makes all these posts about what people do all day, whether they are doing it all wrong, why parents should work, do the housework, support their OH career a bit pointless doesn't it?

Anyway OP if you do want to go back to work then I hope you have every success finding a job.
But IMHO it's your DH attitude that's the problem and something you need to discuss with him.

It's not easy to wake up one morning and say "oh yes ill go back to work now" after being at home for x amount of years.

sgb I'm certainly reminded I am from a working class background, quite regularly on here.

Especially when solutions to problems are, hire a nanny, a cleaner, chuck him out he can stay in a hotel etc.

Unfortunately money is an object for some.

bee has summed up my/our predicament.

" I feel for both the SAHP and WOHP where the WOHP works ridiculous hours in order to facilitate one parent to SAH, and the SAHP copes virtually alone with family life."

Had our friends round on Sunday. One child 10 months. Mum is returning after maternity leave next month. £400 a month nursery fees, for half a week.
I'm calculating that £800 per child x 3 for f/t, minus off what I would get because the govt part funds 3 year olds, it just isn't possible right now.

Not all problems are surmountable. And not everyone has the solution available to them, to help them become surmountable.

I have one family member who doesn't work full time themselves, but having been medically retired at 60, for having a stroke, I'm not really likely to foist 3 under 4's on them, so I can work.

What help does your DP get pastperfect? Would a SAHM get the same level if your roles were reversed?

velvet - are you fucking serious? IF HE DIED?

erm, he's insured. So, the mortgage would be paid for. I'd sell and get a smaller flat and live off the profit for a while, and bank on middleykid dying too so I could free up some time to get a job.

FFS.

And, as for partners meaning I can work evenings and weekends - that assumes the partner is home in time to do bath/bed/weekends.

There's a lot of us with jobs on the line. there's no way he could leave at 6pm so I could go out at night, or not go in at weekends because I had to work - he'd be made redundant.

"You are right, DH should be working with me - but, his job is under threat and so any changes I make cannot make any demands on his working day. He's working long hours to keep his job, he's stressed and is not available."

Therein lies the issue I suspect. He is under massive stress. Not an excuse of course but at least understandable. Yours is a family under pressure. His role is the issue for him at the moment, not yours.

Siiigh I say this cautiously, as I'm in a not dissimilar boat your DH could get made redundant anyway. In which case, he'd have plenty of sudden free time, I suppose -- but your 18 hours a week could be crucial to keeping things going while one or both of you job-hunts for something longer term. I think you should take the job.

(I'm freelance. Only way we could work it out round the appointments. But 18 hours out of the house gives you contacts, and a lookout on life beyond the family, and some kind of backup if other things go belly up.)

What an eye opening thread!
I have 2 dc, youngest just started school.
My Dhs job means he works away - sometimes at short notice.
Pils and my mother are elderly and can't help out like they used to.
My mum had a heart attack and femoral bypass last year so needs a lot of help.
My youngest is off school AGAIN this week with yet another infection - won't be back at school this week.
I live in a village - not many jobs available round here..
It really is not as simple as people seem to think!!
I also question the home/life balance of those posters who advocate one partner taking over with childcare and the other going out to work nights/weekends etc - how is that conducive to a good relationship?
My sister is to all intents and purposes a single parent. But she wants the lifestyle her husbands job provides so her lovely children have no relationship at all with their sperm donor father. Very sad.

OP. Right I get the picture now. (Bit drip feedy but heyho!)

You don't really want to go back to work do you? You've done the single mum, working woman, child rearer, husband enabler and so on and you now feel you deserve a bit ow down time to stuff rabbits and chill.

Do you know what? I totally agree with you and in your position I would want exactly the same. Getting off the treadmill for a few years and finding yourself again,unrelated to work is a brilliant idea. Good for you and good for the kids.

Your DHs attitude is the only fly in the ointment.

Is there any way you could make him appreciate your home role? I don't think banging on about how much housework, gardening etc you do is helpful, but if you cook his favourite meals, give him a massage, run a relaxing bath and bathe together to reestablish all the good things of marriage? (Sorry to the feminists out there!).

Take over the money management. Take over all the additional stressors like switching gas and electric. If he just has his job to concentrate on and you make the rest of his life less stressful he may appreciate you more and stop all the nastiness.

It can backfire though and he might think of you as his unpaid servant, but it might be worth a try.

After all, if it works it will achieve what YOU want. Happy kids, DH and you!

I threaten dh with my finding a job. It is his worse nightmare. It would mean he would have to share housework, childcare, running dc to their various after school clubs instead of making himself a nice meal and sitting down in the peace and quiet of the house in the evening to eat whilst we are all out. Then he would have to share the gardening (large garden with lots of flower beds), window cleaning(he's scared of heights) and his most terrifying prospect the DIY. House needs a lot of work doing to it which I have been working through. I fitted the kitchen and bathroom. Electrician had to be scheduled whilst dh was away with work.

Should say dh because of how he grew up he hates having people in the house.

Oh and BTW where does everyone get the idea that SAHM's have 6 hours in the day to do everything yet WMs get to add in their travelling time into their day.

Dd and ds go to different schools 20 miles apart and because of the school times, (ds's school ends at 2pm) and where we live I worked out that I only have 3hours 45mins at home to do everything before I have to go and collect.

And should add because of where we live I would have to add at least £30 taxi fares to get dc home. I am in my 50's and have no qualifications it would probably cost me more in expenses than I would earn

Yes, i was serious. The point was that if, for whatever reason, you were left in a position of being solely responsible for your Dc, you would find a way to make working work because you wouldn't have a choice. As for working opposite hours to your partner, no it might not be ideal for your relationship but it's not about that, it's about survival, having enough money to keep a roof over your dc's head and food on the table. As i said my parents did it and they celebrate 45 years of marriage this week.
I was unemployed for 6 weeks at the start of this year and i spent all day every day job hunting. I took a job that is longer hours than my ideal because not working just isn't an option. If there were no jobs in my area then i would have had to move. None of the excuses given here would wash with the job center.
Anyway, don't want to derail, sorry Op

annie how can your son and daughter go to schools 20 miles apart? Is it private schooling? If so, then that's your choice isn't it?

As other posters have said, if SAHM mums were just honest and admit the spare time they have and that they don't want to work partly because of that it would command more respect from mums who are employed and still have a large amount of work to do at home..