Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tired of 'finding' things

76 replies

mansize · 23/03/2014 16:25

Today I went into my partner's bag to take some laundry out and found some stiletto heel bits and pieces (he has a shoe fetish... I am not into it at all) which I can only hope belonged to an ex of his.

It's not just that they were there but that he doesn't seem very interested in me sexually, so it was a bit of a double blow.

In the early days he asked me to do something on his phone and a naked picture of one of his exes came up. On another occasion, he was showing me some photos on his computer and I saw a picture of them together, naked.

A few months ago I found some condoms that he left lying around which made me question everything.

I'm fed up of finding things like this. I appreciate he has a past but I don't want fetish items from previous relationships in my house and I don't want it all rubbed in my face. I feel sick thinking about it now and have no idea how I'm supposed to react to things like this?

OP posts:
LavenderGreen14 · 23/03/2014 18:15

so you will just keep quiet incase he leaves you. Because if you asked him to stop he would just hide it better.

Original poster
mansize · 23/03/2014 18:17

He will be back soon. I will ask him to delete the pictures.

OP posts:
LIZS · 23/03/2014 18:18

So hwy were you looking in there ? I'd assumed it was a bag of washing from gym , work trip etc that you were emptying . Can't you just say you'd come across it and wondered if you could chuck out the contents .

Only1scoop · 23/03/2014 18:18

"Went in partners bag to take laundry out"

Is this the bag in which you found the FM shoes or was there another bag?

Only1scoop · 23/03/2014 18:19

He might want to keep the pictures through? If He hasn't deleted them by now?

Original poster
mansize · 23/03/2014 18:21

Right. It's an old dusty bag that he used to chuck some clothes into last night. I watched him do it. I offered to wash them for him. I found some stiletto heel parts (not the actual shoes) on a card in one of the compartments when I put my hand in to take out the clothes.

I don't think he's cheating. I don't think he put them there for me to find. But I did, and it hurt.

Sorry it's a bit drip-feedy. When I started the thread I was all over the place.

OP posts:
LIZS · 23/03/2014 18:24

He knew what else was possibly in there. He could have said not to worry about the washing but I don't think his fetish is something he has forgotten about .

Original poster
mansize · 23/03/2014 18:26

I don't always remember what's where. He's had the bag about a decade. The difference is I got rid of every trace of my bastard ex so he will never accidentally find anything of his.

OP posts:
FabBakerGirl · 23/03/2014 18:30

Answering your OP, you are supposed to react with how you feel. You are sick of finding stuff, so make sure there is nothing to find by leaving him. He doesn't want to have sex with you, he leaves stuff around that upsets you when you find it, why on earth are you still with him?

You don't have sex, you don't know if he fancies you, you feel rubbish about yourself through things he does, he is thoughtless, you can't talk to him honestly. Yes, wonderful relationship you have thereSad.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2014 19:03

Are you pregnant or not ?

Quitelikely · 23/03/2014 19:19

Hi OP

You could try saying that something has been bothering you and you want to get it off your chest. Explain that if it comes across as controlling etc then that's not your intention.

Fwiw I don't think there is any good reason to walk considering your relationship is on the whole good.

Good luck with it all

CarryOnDancing · 23/03/2014 21:15

I'm not saying LTB and I'm not sure anyone else is. It's just that sometimes people can reveal things in their post that that didn't realise themselves.

For me, the biggest thing that stood out in your post was that you feel you can't be honest and discuss your feelings with your OH. You are worried you might come across as controlling which suggests you are worried he will be unhappy with that. What is your concern? That he would leave you? That it would confirm to him you are a "prude" (only in his eyes btw)? That you will be outed and he can officially compare you to his "cool" ex who enjoyed the kinky stuff and is therefore better than you?

You've acknowledged you aren't happy with the photos of his ex. You don't need anyone's permission to be honest with your DP and let him know that. There aren't any rules or etiquette around this, it's how you feel so it's perfectly valid to express it to your "partner" without fear of rejection or repercussions.
He can either say "I'm sorry it bothers you, I'll delete them now and I'm sorry I didn't consider how you might feel" or "I don't know what you are worrying about, I don't even look at them so I don't need to delete them". Are you worried it will be something in similar vein to the latter and then it becomes and actual problem?

How someone else would deal with this is irrelevant but personally I would request that the photos were deleted. However, what would be more important to me would be to discover why he kept them and if he sees it as appropriate to have them. I'd also want to find out how invested he is in his "fetish" and if he's seeking stimulation of any kind elsewhere (porn?) and if he feels fulfilled with me despite me not wanting to join in?
From that I would decide if I was happy with his reasons and thoughts.
It is always 100% up to you what behaviour you have around you. Yes, others have every right to live their life how they want and nobody can tell them to change BUT you can decide if you choose to take that on as part of your life too.
You don't have to be accepting of someone. Social etiquette isn't valid when it forces you to live with behaviour that you aren't comfortable with. If it effects your self esteem and makes you question your own worth-to the point where you aren't sure what opinions you are allowed to express, than it may be time to acknowledge that things aren't as well suited as you would like.

Original poster
mansize · 23/03/2014 21:24

Well, I talked to him about it and he was great. Said all the right things, made me feel loved and then we had sex.

I started to feel bad again afterwards. He picked up on this and got frustrated with me. This is a familiar pattern and one reason I was afraid to bring it up with him. He is now sulking because I'm 'beating' him for things that happened years ago, 'I want to move on', 'you just wanted sex' etc. I'm a fool, aren't I.

OP posts:
Original poster
mansize · 23/03/2014 21:27

If he cared about me he wouldn't be rushing me to move on from it and expect me to magically feel better, would he? He thinks I should feel better now because we talked about it for 10 minutes. I think he's hurt because we had sex when I'm not 'over it'. I don't know. I really don't.

OP posts:
2013go · 23/03/2014 22:06

He sounds rather a good manipulator from your last couple of posts.

Original poster
mansize · 24/03/2014 10:41

He is. This morning he's being lovely again but I just feel battered. I forget how it feels sometimes.

OP posts:
LIZS · 24/03/2014 18:19

He clearly knows how to push your buttons, diffuse your anger and then everything is ok again. Do you like living on such an emotional roller-coaster ? I'm very dubious that he can suppress facets of himself like a fetish as successfully as you would like to believe.

Original poster
mansize · 24/03/2014 18:40

He said he's sorry and that he needs to look at his behaviour. He said he knows he's awful when he feels he's being criticised.

No, I don't like the emotional rollercoaster but I love him.

I don't understand your final comment. Are you saying he's hiding things and I'm being naive?

OP posts:
Jellymum1 · 24/03/2014 19:00

Mansize. Your self esteem is rock bottom. You dont even make any sense. When someone validates your complaint you back track "oh hes not that bad....its me". Get to your gp and get some talking therapy. Please. Im not criticising you....your posts are just so sad and you dont have to feel that way.

Original poster
mansize · 24/03/2014 19:08

I know it's at rock bottom. I have manic depression so am all over the place but see doctors regularly. I realise my life is more than a mess. Sometimes just being is agonising... getting through the minutes of the day. Sometimes I function but it's not fulfilling, it's just going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other. I don't know how people do life.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/03/2014 19:23

Mansize I had a colleague once who said to me "it's like everyone else has got the instruction book of how to do life, and I wasn't on the mailing list"

I have always remembered that comment, and I really felt for her. She got counselling eventually after years of unhappiness but not really knowing why.

Does that sound like you ?

Original poster
mansize · 24/03/2014 19:30

Yes, it does AnyFucker. Except I think I know why - sexual abuse in childhood followed by a long string of bad luck. I am fundamentally fucked up. I feel like fear and pain are all I've ever known. I have had counselling over the years but haven't ever really felt much different. I always thought I'd feel better by X year but I don't. The years just fly by and deep down I feel the same.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/03/2014 19:33

I am sorry.

LIZS · 24/03/2014 19:35

Are you saying he's hiding things and I'm being naive? I fear so. He will twist everything to suit him and until it becomes your fault, because he knows how vulnerable and suggestible you are. That is not love - sorry.

FabBakerGirl · 24/03/2014 20:18

I think while you stay with a man who makes you feel shit you will never feel better. You certainly won't be able to meet the right man for you who can add to your life and make him a bonus.

I suggest time alone. Get yourself strong, get some self worth. This man isn't your ticket to happiness.

Swipe left for the next trending thread