Tired of 'finding' things

[mansize]

Today I went into my partner's bag to take some laundry out and found some stiletto heel bits and pieces (he has a shoe fetish... I am not into it at all) which I can only hope belonged to an ex of his.

It's not just that they were there but that he doesn't seem very interested in me sexually, so it was a bit of a double blow.

In the early days he asked me to do something on his phone and a naked picture of one of his exes came up. On another occasion, he was showing me some photos on his computer and I saw a picture of them together, naked.

A few months ago I found some condoms that he left lying around which made me question everything.

I'm fed up of finding things like this. I appreciate he has a past but I don't want fetish items from previous relationships in my house and I don't want it all rubbed in my face. I feel sick thinking about it now and have no idea how I'm supposed to react to things like this?

I didn't see it as a big deal. I didn't like it, but it didn't bother me as much as this bloody shoe thing.

"You have obviously been feeling insecure for sometime then?"

Yes. I hate myself and the way I look. I pretend to be confident. I felt this way before I met my partner - he hasn't ground me down. It's just tapping into my already present insecurities. I have had counselling and may have it again at some point.

please don't hate yourself - do you think his rejection of you has made you feel worse? I don't think he has boosted your self confidence in any way - isn't that awful. And these discoveries are only going to make you feel worse. Even if he reassures you what you have seen and found cannot be unseen or unfound can it. And that all chips away at your self esteem doesn't it.

Yes.

But I love him and I believe he loves me. He can be crass and careless but I don't believe it is on purpose. He doesn't ever put me down. I don't think he realises the effect these things have on me.

being in a partnership is suppose to make you feel better about yourself. You say you have insecurities from before being with him and they have not improve one iota. In actual fact you feel more diminished by his sexual rejection of you and the things you keep "finding" (that were actually there all along

Why did you get together with him, OP ? You say you knew about his fetishes before and have never had any intention of indulging them. That is great, fair play to you. But, why bother then ? Did you think you could do no better (you very definitely can...you deserve to be with someone who fancies the arse off you)

there are a couple of "d"'s missing, sorry

Yes...but

Hmm

how long have you been together ? tbh it sounds as if he is leading a double life to satisfy his "needs" and you really do not have to go along with this .

It's not his job to make me feel better about myself though, is it? He's not going to 'fix' me.

Maybe he does fancy the arse off me. He isn't vocal with his feelings about anything. He made two passes at me before we were together, so I guess he fancied me enough then.

Fetish might be the wrong word. I knew he 'liked' these things. Not enough for me to think it would effect our sex life, and I still don't know if it does. Today I am comparing myself to his ex, whichever one those things belonged to, because she obviously did/had/went along with the things that he likes. And I found these things in my bloody living room.

He's not leading a double life. We spent most of the day together. I know where he is and what he's doing.

spend

I didn't say it was his job to fix you. I said that being in a partnership should enhance your life, not make you feel worse.

It isn't his job to make you feel worse about yourself and vulnerable and insecure either.

You have had 2 threads about discoveries you have made - how many more? Is your self esteem so low you will stay with him no matter what?

It does enhance my life in a myriad of ways. I just don't feel any more attractive or good about myself than before we were together.

A double life in the sense that he ahs a side he cannot or will not share with you . You do not need to tolerate this out of "love" if it makes you feel insecure and demeaned.

I didn't want this thread to turn into all the reasons I should leave him. I appreciate all your replies but I'm not going to leave him over this. I don't think he's a bad person. He has been careless with these things and I don't know how to address it with him.

Yes ' Careless' I'm sure leaving them around for you to find....hopefully he will hide this side of him eh Op....

Then everything will be great.

LIZ, I don't understand what he cannot share with me??

Wtf? I think you may be projecting a bit 1scoop.

why do you feel you can't talk to him about this?

Because I don't want to start a row or come across as controlling and also because I think I might be pg

Yes op....from experience of finding all these things you have found....ittrying to work through it....

Suffering for it years after.

You sound really happy apart fro his fetishes and pictures of his naked ex.....

But projecting perhaps....

Ill duck out and maybe you will get some sound advice re how to have your 'chat'

Good luck

maybe he is unhappy too so he is careless because wants to be "found out" . If he doesn't recognise the damage this does to your relationship he isn't the man you hoped. If they were in his bag today , they are nothing to do with the past.

Sorry for typos....

Blimey sloppy Sunday!

It's an old dusty bag full of crap and some old clothes. I've no idea how long they've been there.