Why do some men want to sleep around?

[Tiredstilltired]

Why do some men want sex with lots of different women? I've heard countless friends say that men they meet on internet dating just want to shag around.
What is the appeal of lying about what you want simply to get a quick shag and then move onto the next. Why is that appealing? Surely sex gets better the more you have it with the same person?
What is the appeal in shagging lots of women once?

Crikey it all sounds a bit grim. Meeting random people off the internet for quick sessions in a hotel. Hardly romantic.
But I accept that people have different needs.
Probably wrong I know, but I would lose respect for someone who shafs around all the time. I would think it was a self esteem thing.

Think most people just like sex as we are all animals at the end of the day and its what we are here for.

I have a teenage dd and if in say 5 years time, she was sleeping around with lots if people and having 'recreational sex' because she wanted to. I would be disappointed in her, I would hope she would have more self respect. I would think the same if my younger ds too. Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but I'm in my. 30s!

I think the difference is, women are less likely to admit it because they think they will be judged. I had a lot of sexual partners when I was single, I enjoyed shagging someone new, the variety, getting to know a new body & a new person's likes/dislikes/tricks. However I didn't and don't talk about it because I don't want a reputation. The OPs last post even says she wouldn't respect me.

Fwiw i'm happily married, no issues forming a healthy relationship when the right one came along, but I enjoyed myself in the mean time.

Thats your view on sex thats up to you but I just think a lot of it is just cultural. I was married at 20 but was far from a virgin, and lots of my friends shag about whilst they are single. I dont judge them as sex is fun and we live in an age of contraception. I believe any shame attached to sex was just a hang up from not having contraception back in the day, just like religion its a form of social control.

Why are you linking self respect to sex though, Tired? Some of us don't have the time/good fortune/inclination for 1:1 relationships - should we deny ourselves the pleasure of sex as well?

Possibly is a cultural thing. People have different views. I personally think that sex should be with someone you care about and fancy! But then some people think it's something you can do with anyone and emotional feelings or attachment don't come into it.
No right or wrong.

I definitely think you should fancy them as thats the whole point, but that is a world away from wanting a relationship with them

People enjoy sex. And I understand that single people need sex too. But I suppose I find the idea of having sex with lots iof strangers rather unsexy.
Yes the odd one night stand, but jumping from one person to the next just for sex seems a bit sad to me.

I'm not sure this is "men". I suppose I have and would do this. Not using the internet but I've slept with people once and had no interest in sleeping with them again. Then another person. I didn't lie to any of them, though, which is deceptive and yes, wrong. If I am not interested in a relationship or becoming emotionally involved but would like to have sex, the solution is to "sleep around". I have historically "slept around" a bit and will continue to do so. It suits all parties and I practice safe sex and don't drink/take exceptional risks. Hopefully it doesn't mean I have a "void" of some sort.

I think social conditioning accounts for the differences between men and women. More and more studies show little difference in terms of what's going on in the brain at the point of arousal. Women are still judged far more harshly than men for being promiscuous or unfaithful or for walking away from children.

I think it's important to separate what I would call happy promiscuity from self-validating promiscuity, too. Some people like sex. They don't want a relationship. The easiest way to balance those two seemingly opposing desires is to have sex with someone just once or twice. It reduces the risk of emotional entanglements and difficult situations. And that's fine. As long as everyone is aware of what's going on and safe sex is practised, that's a very healthy way to live actually, and certainly as valid a lifestyle as being long-term happily married.

Other people have promiscuous sex because they are looking to feed their self-esteem. This is often highly damaging and people who fall in this group are less likely to practise safe sex or worry enough about contraception.

Other people like to be in relationships, but again they can fall into two camps. There are those who like the positive, affirming aspects of relationships where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and where each individual enhances the life of the other through a team effort. Then there are those where one or both individuals are feeding some need in the other and creating a deeply unhealthy dynamic.

THere is no right or wrong about relationships v promiscuity as long as you're on the healthy end of each spectrum. The trick is to find out which one you are and find like-minded people.

I think it's probably more men than women just because it's socially acceptable and even encouraged for men to be like this whereas it's socially discouraged or seen as immoral for women to do this. I know it's changing now but it's still the case I think.

I think that the societal expectations ARE the problem actually. There's nothing wrong with wanting casual sex, but there's also nothing wrong with wanting sex to be in a relationship, it's just personal preference.

The problem comes when a man who wants casual sex believes that all men want casual sex and all women want relationships. Therefore he believes that to get casual sex he must pretend to want a relationship. He perhaps even believes that all men who are in relationships are just playing along for the "bonus" of regular sex.

Likewise, it's a problem when a woman who wants a relationship believes that all women want relationships but all men want casual sex. Hence, she ends up playing ridiculous games and doing things to try and trick the bloke into a relationship and is a bit suspicious of someone who genuinely does want a relationship.

Then you get awful "dating guides" like "the rules" and concepts of boaktastic pick up lines, and people doing all sorts of ridiculous stuff and behaving in ways they think they should rather than how they want, in order to extract this seemingly impossible thing from the opposite sex.

It would be easier if people just realised that some men want relationships, some men want casual sex, some women want relationships, some women want casual sex, could be open and honest about their intentions and end up with someone who wants the same thing as them. No heartbreak, no lying, no mind games, no "rules" because men and women aren't some cookie cutter same thing.

What Dahlen said!

Well, it depends what you mean by "jumping from one person to the next" really. I've been through stages where I was doing just that. I wasn't in a great place in life and partly I suppose I was looking for something good among the shit.

Now I don't have the time (or energy!) for this...in the last year I've slept with 5/6 different men. Thing is, I may have racked up a number some people find distasteful but I have a very good idea of what works for me sexually and what doesn't. And when I do meet someone who's go the whole package (so to speak) I will maybe want a proper relationship.

I just think it's sad that women, yes it's pretty much always woman, have their morals called into question when it comes to casual sex.

Wow, great post, Dahlen!

I do think the same rules should apply to men and women.
But men do seen to behave differently.
Some men seem to go off the rails when their dp has a baby. They have affairs and generally seem to look for what else us out there. Whereas for the majority of women who have recently had a baby looking for sex whether single or extra marital sex would be the last thing on their mind.

I am probably a 'victim' of socialisation that judges people who have multiple partners and probably I judge women who sleep around more. I know it is wrong, but it feels engrained.

Because we're different, simple as that. I am sure right now there are lots of men wondering "why are women always so interested in cuddles, kisses and long-term relationships? What's so cool about having sex with the same person all the time when you can shag a different person every day? I will never understand women!!!"

Obviously a woman who has just had a baby is not looking to make another one right away. It doesn't make biological sense.
Whereas for men, (instinctively) it does make sense to move on to make other babies while their woman is not capable of producing more.

The drive to cheat from women is when they are fertile or having trouble conceiving with their current partner (it would be moving to a new relationship these days).

Lots of women get pregnant in the year after a baby, they just choose to do so with the same person.
Why is the urge for some men to have sex elsewhere, surely from an evolution point of view they should be ensuring the growth and survival of their newborn?

Hang on. Are we talking about cheating with multiple sexual partners or sleeping with multiple people (whilst single). Obviously they're quite different!

Great posts from both Dahlen and BertieBotts.

It's entirely misogynistic social conditioning that leads to the idea that a woman who wants casual sex has something wrong with her. Monogamy is a cultural concept invented by men in order to control women,specifically to control reproduction. That doesn't mean it's 'wrong' to prefer and seek out monogamous relationships if that's the kind of thing that makes you happy; jut bear in mind that it's neither natural to be monogamous, nor is it morally superior.

But usually, after a baby, women do have a reduced sex drive and are often protected while they produce milk. (we are talking averages here)

Anyway, for men it depends. There are two strategies that can be successful. Some males (men) bet on lots of children, but risk losing many if there are not enough resources. Other males are carers and bet on fewer children but who they can take care of.
Very wealthy men can be successful with the first strategy, because they have the resources.
IMO, these days, with women being more financially independent and with state support, the first strategy can be successful for many men.

Conversely, and that relates to the number of DNA tests, for females it may pay off to get the "successful" genes from the sperm spreaders onto their children, but convince the carers to stay with them and raise the child.

For women (on average) sex is still very linked to love, commitment, etc and most of us do want a partner who will support us and be there for us and the children. Hence much angst in these threads. We may "sleep around", but we would still like that special person to have the children with.

I think it's very assumptious to say that men invented monogamy to control women or that it is unnatural.

I think most women seek a partner who will be monogamous and committed to the relationship and raising children together.
They would not want a dp to sleep around.