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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my husband goes AWOL

119 replies

amals1 · 22/03/2014 21:11

I'm going to sound like the biggest loser, but I literally have no idea where my husband is. I've been married for 6yrs and have young sons but my husband walks out on a weekly basis. I'm now at a point were I don't know what to think. He won't answer calls or texts and I always beg him to come home back to us. I'm beyond pathetic!

OP posts:

mymiraclebubba · 22/03/2014 23:10

Telling him she wouldn't be with him if not for the kids is goading him. Wanting to hurt him is goading him.

If he is depressed and as a result of these comments he kills himself how would the op feel then!?

I am trying to give the view from someone who suffers with mental health issues which no one else on here seems to be doing

AnyFucker · 22/03/2014 23:11

access to everything ? What does that even mean ? You have said yourself you don't know where he is when he goes AWOL.

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2014 23:11

Sorry but yiu clearly dont have access to everythibg else youd knoe where he was. He's keeping chunks of his life hidden from you

AnyFucker · 22/03/2014 23:12

There is some other daft woman bankrolling him when he disappears. Unless you think he is sleeping on the street ? If a (male) mate was putting him up, you would know where he was.

scottishmummy · 22/03/2014 23:12

No,dont change locks if he joint owner/tenant you cannot prevent access to home
It's provocative and stupid,and doesn't solve anything.but it's a perennial mn sassy response
if you have issues,you two need to talk.i hope you get a satisfactory resolution

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2014 23:13

And I repeat why dods the op have to be the grown one. Why does she have to tread on eggshells. When do you statt worrying about her me tal health.
and I hope there arent any new mums on here who are suffering from pnd and reading your comments.

Original poster

amals1 · 22/03/2014 23:14

I meant email, phone bill comes home. Even bank statements. Would I seriously be unable to tell if he had another woman/women?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/03/2014 23:16

"he might be depressed and if you push him too hard he could kill himself"

terrible, terrible advice

designed to keep OP in this unsatisfactory half life she is currently living

man pleasing in the extreme

disappearing for days on end is not necessarily depression, but it is definitely a sign of being up to something that is not healthy for a marriage

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2014 23:16

"You not trusting him could be exacerbating his problem."
why is it ok for you to criticise thd op but not for her to criticise tje one who promised to support and love her?
We don't know if the dh has mental health problems. Are you sure the op doesn't? Because if she does surely youre not allowed to question any aspect of anything she says or does?

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2014 23:17

Where does he use his bank cards on those days? Does he come home with dirty or clean clothes on?

AnyFucker · 22/03/2014 23:18

how is he living, eating, drinking then if family/friends are not bankrolling him during his disappearing acts ? Those people would have told you atb some point already. Only some person/s he doesn't want you to know about would not set your mind at rest about his well being when he goes to ground

Jux · 22/03/2014 23:19

My cousin's ex did this. It wasn't another woman, he had mh issues. In the end, with 3 small children, it just got too much for her and she slung him out. She is now very happily married to someone else.

Your children will get used to their dad living elsewhere, they're already doing that part-time, and it's the uncertainty which is likely to cause problems.

If you felt relief when you split up before then that is telling you something important. Pay attention to it.

mymiraclebubba · 22/03/2014 23:20

I never said he did, I said IF he has depression.

I don't have to agree with your comments and you don't have to agree with mine. However I am entitled to post them and offer my opinion based on my experience and. Knowledge as are you.

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2014 23:22

But do you not see that if the op suffers from depress I on herself youre doing to her the very thing youre berating her for

Original poster

amals1 · 22/03/2014 23:23

He has a lot of single friends. Clothes usually Ok. He was originally from another town so statements usual show withdrawals from his home town or from our local area. No large alarming withdrawals.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2014 23:25

Ok so you have a vague idea of where he is. Would his feiends not tell you, his frantic wife, that hes ok?

AnyFucker · 22/03/2014 23:27

If there are other women, would this be a deal breaker for you or not ? It's a question you should answer at least for yourself.

You seem to not really want to know, in a "what I don't know won't hurt me" kinda way

It's a lifestyle I suppose, but not really one I would recommend

Original poster

amals1 · 22/03/2014 23:27

one thing he has said in the past is that his intention is never to stay away, that time seems to run away with him. If always found this as a pathetic excuse. Its like he forgets we exist.

OP posts:

Original poster

amals1 · 22/03/2014 23:29

AnyF I would never stay if he another on the side.

OP posts:

Original poster

amals1 · 22/03/2014 23:30

His friends would never tell me.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2014 23:30

Good for you

cozietoesie · 22/03/2014 23:33

.....time seems to run away with him......

Are you seeing any signs that he's using drink or drugs?

AnyFucker · 22/03/2014 23:33

Good for you. So why do you dismiss it so summarily when you don't know what he is doing and where he is doing it ?

The most uncomplicated answer is usually the correct one and yet you seem to think it is the least likely in the face of absolutely no reassurance to the contrary at all.

Original poster

amals1 · 22/03/2014 23:36

Nothing obvious. I've never found anything weird or smelt nething. I've asked him if he's a user. But could he hide it that well?

OP posts:

MiscellaneousAssortment · 22/03/2014 23:37

I wonder if you can tell them that he must move out for x months, as he is not taking responsibility for his health, happiness, family or children. And only when he's done something to address his issues can he think about having a relationship again and repairing what he's done to you.

Why must you take on all responsibility for his mental health? Whilst quietly letting him treat you like shit, just in case he's got a mental health problem. What exactly do you get out of this? Or your children? Why must you sacrifice your life for someone who's doing nothing kind or constructive to help his wife and family?

Please don't listen to that kind of advice. It's not fair on you, and it puts the feelings of your h as far higher priority than your own or your children's. Why is that acceptable?

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