my husband goes AWOL

[amals1]

I'm going to sound like the biggest loser, but I literally have no idea where my husband is. I've been married for 6yrs and have young sons but my husband walks out on a weekly basis. I'm now at a point were I don't know what to think. He won't answer calls or texts and I always beg him to come home back to us. I'm beyond pathetic!

No not Asian, African.

It will never change because he thinks it is a perfectly acceptable way to behave. It isn't. My exh used to do that, until I stopped being a doormat and left.

polarbear depression unfortunately isn't like that. Look at mums with pnd who end up harming their kids!! Depression clouds every aspect of rationality, it is paralysing and all consuming. When it hits you everything else stops having relevance, you are trapped in a bubble of you and this awful feeling of blackness.

Sorry it's really hard to describe so I am probably making a complete hash of it!

I am lucky that I have had it for years so those closest to me know the signs and can intervene if there is any risk to dd (ironically I have felt better since I had dd and not a sign of depression anywhere!). Don't dismiss his mum's concerns op!!! Talk to your doctor, health visitor anyone who can help assess your dp's behaviour.

If it is depression then calling him irresponsible and dismissing it will only make it worse! Trust me when I say if it is depression he feels shit enough without you making it worse however unintended it is!

I think you need to draw a line in the sand tonight. Act as though it's over, pack up his stuff, drop it to his mothers tomorrow morning and tell her he's left you, you don't konw where he's gone to, but when he turns up you'll tell him she's got his stuff. Repeat to her, he's left you.

When he does turn up, don't let him in, he's left you. He chose to go, he doesn't get to chose when he comes back, and under what terms, only you do.

Marriage counselling, some time apart, I would insist on not letting him back in for at least 2-3 months (make him realise he can't just wander off). In that time, you might just get used to being a single mother all the time and not having this weekly stress.

If you want your relationship to last, you need to make this a big deal, letting him straight back in and being grateful when he finally turns up isn't making it a big deal.

Being depressed doesn't give a man an opt out of being a husband and a father whenever he fancies it. If he is mentally ill, he needs help, not just being allowed to act however he likes.

Decide if this is how you want to live your life. If it's not, you can't just hope he'll not do it next week, you have to force him to see it wasnt acceptable this week.

Many - would you be offering the same advice to a man posting that his wife and mother of a newborn had upped and walked out?!

It is people like the posters here saying depression is no excuse, don't let him back and ltb who help make metal health issues have such a stigma!

Please don't offer advice like this when you clearly haveno uunderstanding of megastar health problems

Mental grrr bloody autocorrect on the phone

Mymitacke yes some mums with pnd harm their kids. Vast majority continue to meet their child's physical and emotional needs.

And more than you think don't! It is why there is such a massive focus from midwives and health visitors to monitor and assess regularly.

Mymiraclbubba he has told me he feels down but that he can overcome it without help from go etc. I've tried to help encourage him I've tried to be patient but sometimes I wonder if he really is down or if its just an excuse. I have no faith in him.

Im fully aware of that thank you. But id say to a woman as well that if her illness is need putting her family at risk then she needs to take responsibility and seek help and it cannot go on for years

Perfect x post for one. If he is depressed then im sympathetic up to a point but he still thinks its acceptable to vanish and leave you to pick up the pieces while you are stressed and worried. Not good enough. If he wants to be a dad he nedds to step up and do something

It isn't easy to admit you can't cope! You not trusting him could be exacerbating his problem.

I am not denying that you cannot go on like it is but I am trying to make you see that he may have no control over what he is doing. It is not as straight forward as people on here seem to think.

Contact your GP on monday and ask for an appointment for you both for a point you think he will be back or even just for you to talk it through and get a professional perspective on depression and how it can manifest itself.

I implore you to not make rash decisions or blame him for stuff outside his control if he has depression.

If it turns out he isn't I'll then by all means follow the advice given on here but make sure you are absolutely certain

Thank you all for your advice. Sometimes I can't cope and I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't want to fail at being a mum or a wife and I know that talking on here tonight gave me solace x

Ok this is my opinion. Im sure ill get flamed.
you are his wife. Presumably you swore some version of in sickness and in health. But you have tried and he hasn't. You cannot go on like this and it's not your job to fix it, it is his. Youre doing what you can but yiu can only do so much. And the last thing you need is to be accused of exacerbating his condition. What about your mental health? Where wohld it leave your childre if you both "had" to go awol weekly.
support him. Help him as much as possjblet. But do it while he's living elsewhere.

Do you think he ever worrids about failing as a husband? Not for being ill (if he is) but for rrfusing to do anything aboit it for so long.

You are certainly not failing. You are the one taking care of the children when he fucks off.
You are the one at home when he returns.

There is only one failure and it's him. He's failing you and the children.

Being kicked out may give him the incentive to sort himself out if he is ill. You can engage his family to encourage him too.
But it doesn't look like he will do anything while you put up with his disappearance acts.

I think he feels like he's failed, husband wise career wise and so when he walks he can pretend and laugh n joke with whoever he's with. When I'm angry I tell him I'm with him for the kids. That if we didn't have kids I would of left him years ago. I want him to hurt.

He is certainly failing if he can't at the very least stay with his family.

Let him go.

Have you been through his things, emails, facebook, accounts, phone bills etc to see if there is anything there.

he has other women. I am sorry

sometimes the most obvious explanation is the correct one

start with that one, and act accordingly

the truth will out when you start to take action instead of this strange and damaging half life you and your kids appear to be living

Amals I do understand I promise but deliberately goading him is going to make it worse! You are reaffirming everything he is telling himself about him being a shit husband, a shit dad etc etc!

You clearly love him or you wouldn't be angry but please speak to someone professional before it is too late

How is she goading him? Im starting to think your posts are quite harmful

I agree with AF.
Where on earth is he staying whole weekends?
I think he's just playing the victim so you don't kick him out.

AnyF I have access to everything, I know its not a woman. Just weird inexcusable behaviour.