my husband goes AWOL

[amals1]

I'm going to sound like the biggest loser, but I literally have no idea where my husband is. I've been married for 6yrs and have young sons but my husband walks out on a weekly basis. I'm now at a point were I don't know what to think. He won't answer calls or texts and I always beg him to come home back to us. I'm beyond pathetic!

My parents are great and so is his mum. We even had an intervention of sorts when I had my DC3. MY dad even gave him the oppertunity to air his issues but he's a brick wall. He won't leave me permanently. If he walked out and stayed gone I could accept that. But if I throw him out I just feel sick to my stomach of depriving my DC.

This is setting your DCs an appalling example. I hate to say it but I think it might be better for them to have someone around they can rely on, so I reckon this is a LTB moment. Or rather throw him out. You can do so much better.

Is he an alcoholic? only asking , because I worked in a pub for a very long time, where some very successful blokes would drink , day in day out.. never saying they had a family at home, started coming in earlier and stayed till doors closed, they were never after other women .. just depressed, they turned to alcohol :-( saw some lovely men ruin their lives through booze.. didnt take much for this one guy I knew, he got into debt, nothing huge, but he felt he failed his wife and children, and couldn't face going home with no money :-(

Look, if you kick him out he's responsible for keeping contact with his DC.
He clearly doesn't care about them or you, as he disappears in a regular basis.
Nor you nor the DC should have to live with the uncertainty created by him.
I bet he would be upset if he returned home and nobody was there.

You do need to put a stop to this.

Doesn't drink. Sorry boffinmum, what's LTB?

amals

The only thing you would be 'depriving' your DC of would be the sort of misery and uncertainty that you're having to suffer at the moment. That would be a good and brave thing to my mind.

Leave The Bastard

And do this.

I hear everything everyone is saying and I know its inevitable that this will end with me being a single parent. I feel in denial, I don't want my sons thinking this is how a marriage is and I don't want the to turn out like their father. Family tell me to be patient but I feel hatred towards him and I just feel that I'm the bad parent.

It sounds like you are already almost a single parent.

It is odd. Would he have a second family?

Most women remarry within three years. You would be surprised.

I think we are looking at a drugs/drink/gambling issue here.

One of my closest friends DH did this, many times. He would just disappear eg popping out to shop & not come back for days. She was, understandably, a wreck & phoning round the police, hospitals etc.

Unfortunately she made it too easy for him to come back (just allowed it rather than insisting on counselling, or issuing ultimatums etc).

He eventually went on to have an affair. She has stuck by him through all this & they are still together.

Unfortunately when you take someone back after behaviours like this, it gives them permission to do it again. And again.

From your posts, I think you need to work on your confidence & self-esteem. If you have family & friends, ask for support.

But please don't blame yourself or feel guilty on your children's part. You are not the one in the wrong.

If you stay in this relationship - such as it is - then that is certainly how your sons will think a marriage is. I'd get out for your sake and for theirs.

Does he take anythjng with him?
In all this tims has there ever been a crisis - family serious illness, dash with kids to a and e?

Does he go to work on his missing days? If not how does he manage that

Lotsofcheese you've pretty much summed me up. I have managed to convince myself that its me that's the problem. I have never been overly confident but that's now zero. I thought forgiveness would be worth it, but I'm now growing resentful.

Have you spoken to someone professional about this, gp/hv?

This is not normal behaviour at all. I suffer with depression and anxiety and there are times when I haveddriven my car somewhere remote after work and wondered if anyone would notice of I just disappeared. When I lived alone I could literally sit there for hours, days and not even realise it. Could he be depressed?

Goes to work. We have desperate accounts. Coz I manage bills etc. I don't trust him with a lot. Only been one occasion dashed to A&E with DS. I've stopped relying on him.

I meant desperate accounts.

My dad did this too. In his case it was drink and occasionally other women. You deserve so much better than this. Do you want to make it work or are you reaching the "had enough" stage?

Seperate accounts, silly auto spell!!

Channel that resentment in his direction!

You do sound like my lovely friend, who lost her confidence with her DH's behaviour. It was awful to watch. I just wished she'd had the self-esteem to tell him to fuck off. She deserves so much better yet has stuck with him. Please don't let that be you.

His mum reckons he's depressed. I just think irresponsible.

amals1, I hope you don't mind if I ask: do you come from a British Asian background? Maybe I'm well off the mark, but I just wondered if there were any specific cultural ideas affecting how he sees his role and how you communicate?

Agree. Presumably if you were depressed youd still look after your children