Your opinions please? Dating a man who was unfaithful.

[akaWisey]

I've been on two dates with a man who contacted me OD. We hit it off immediately on the first date, enough for both of us to want to meet again (which we have). Second date was really good and we got on very well. There's a spark there which isn't, for me, based upon his appearance (although I am attracted to him too IYSWIM) So far he's interesting, funny, unpretentious, clever, considerate (yes, did the waitress test) and up front about why he's dating - he says his goal is to find a committed relationship, which is mine too. He would like to marry again (I wouldn't and was honest about that).

He also volunteered upfront why his marriage broke down some years ago. He had an affair which ended before his DW found out. He made no excuses, didnt blame-shift, says he wanted, and tried, to save the marriage and make up for the pain he'd caused his DW and DC's but the situation was irretrievable. I got the sense he was telling me this now to gauge my response (which was, to say the least, ) and because he wants me to know the truth from the start. He repeatedly said he will never make that mistake again (well, he's hardly going to say otherwise obviously).

That piece of information has altered my view of him, yes, but I'm not sure in which direction. I'd say, on the one hand, he's the real deal so far but on the other he was (is?) capable of deceit on an epic scale. Other than that theres no 'mirroring' no love-bombing, no fast-forwarding, no pressure of any kind but, rather, what feels like a desire to get to know me on my terms (and there will be no other way if I proceed). I like him so far but I don't like what he did and made that really clear.

So - I'm no fool, it's only been two dates and that's no time at all. If I never saw him again I'd be but at the same time I respect that he told me at the start.

I guess I'm seeking some views. This kind of scenario tends to generate split responses from "once a cheater.." to "people make mistakes.."

Some of you will remember me and my first (last) dating mistake and I'm not that woman any more - I'm a fairly seasoned MN'er now!

Another well done from me too. We weren't put on this earth to be unpaid agony aunts huh

i thought I'd pop back and (for anyone who's interested ) give an update on Mr not-so-nice cheater.

Having dumped, I received no less than 17 calls (which I didn't answer) and loads of texts over a 24 hour period - ranging from "where did we go wrong" to "is there no chance for us" and then "well it's a shame we can't all be as blameless as you" and "here's a tip for a so called modern woman - don't expect the bloke to pay for everything on a date. You're a modern woman when it suits you" .

Bullet. Well. Dodged. There.

Well done - you definitely had a lucky escape!

I think it would depend on how long the affair went on and how much deception was involved.

If it was a drunken colleague thing, brought about by time together, a bit of alcohol and a few guilty fumbles I might be inclined to think it was a one off and he was capable of never doing it again.

If it was something more complex, then he is capable of extreme deception to the person he is charge to be most honest with in the world. If he could do it to her, he could do it to you.

Some people also seem like they are not deflecting blame but they might be being manipulative even with this. If there were problems in the marriage which "drove him to this" then wonder how he will deal with the (inevitable) problems that would come up in his next marriage.

Having been recently stung, looking back I wish I'd seen the fact that my DH cheated on his previous woman as the red flag that it was. Some people are capable of it, and some people are just not. Some people deal with marriage problems by believing the grass is greener and others are committed to work on it.

I know people can change and grow (I cheated in my twenties and would never do so now) but some people don't actually learn and grow. They just keep doing the same stupid thing over and over.

And well done for recognising the red flags...I think you saved yourself future pain there

Thank you. The lesson here learned is:

Beware the embittered man who cheated because he 'wasn't getting enough sex' and lost his comfy lifestyle as a result.

Such a tosser

17 calls! And such charming texts too

Well dodged, indeed.

Better luck with the next date, akaWisey.

Personally, I'd say after two dates and some doubts, you should probably be still seeing other people.

Didn't see update. Sorry.