Your opinions please? Dating a man who was unfaithful.

[akaWisey]

I've been on two dates with a man who contacted me OD. We hit it off immediately on the first date, enough for both of us to want to meet again (which we have). Second date was really good and we got on very well. There's a spark there which isn't, for me, based upon his appearance (although I am attracted to him too IYSWIM) So far he's interesting, funny, unpretentious, clever, considerate (yes, did the waitress test) and up front about why he's dating - he says his goal is to find a committed relationship, which is mine too. He would like to marry again (I wouldn't and was honest about that).

He also volunteered upfront why his marriage broke down some years ago. He had an affair which ended before his DW found out. He made no excuses, didnt blame-shift, says he wanted, and tried, to save the marriage and make up for the pain he'd caused his DW and DC's but the situation was irretrievable. I got the sense he was telling me this now to gauge my response (which was, to say the least, ) and because he wants me to know the truth from the start. He repeatedly said he will never make that mistake again (well, he's hardly going to say otherwise obviously).

That piece of information has altered my view of him, yes, but I'm not sure in which direction. I'd say, on the one hand, he's the real deal so far but on the other he was (is?) capable of deceit on an epic scale. Other than that theres no 'mirroring' no love-bombing, no fast-forwarding, no pressure of any kind but, rather, what feels like a desire to get to know me on my terms (and there will be no other way if I proceed). I like him so far but I don't like what he did and made that really clear.

So - I'm no fool, it's only been two dates and that's no time at all. If I never saw him again I'd be but at the same time I respect that he told me at the start.

I guess I'm seeking some views. This kind of scenario tends to generate split responses from "once a cheater.." to "people make mistakes.."

Some of you will remember me and my first (last) dating mistake and I'm not that woman any more - I'm a fairly seasoned MN'er now!

There's no such thing as "once an... anything". People can and do change, for better or worse. I truly detest the labelling that goes on, it's largely inaccurate. I know that people I love will make mistakes in their lives, take the wrong direction sometimes. I really hope that the people that love them will have compassion and understanding rather than just writing them off as so many keyboard warriors seem to.

Hell, I'll even make horrible decisions myself... being human and all.

If you like this man, wisey then get to know him - slowly - make your own mind up. Be aware but don't talk yourself out of something that could be really great.

I'm going to buck the trend here, and would suggest that the best guide to future behaviour is past behaviour.

Here is a man who is capable of lying to the woman he married, the mother of his child. If he can break that commitment sneakily, what makes the OP think that she is more special?

He lies to get fucks. Hats off to him - his 'I made a terrible error and I'm so remorseful' is indeed knicker-droppingly successful

Good luck.

I'm with LovesPeace but accept I may just be terribly cynical. His admission of bad behaviour cheating on his wife and tearing a family apart does not mean he has come to terms with it. It does mean he knows how to spin it to make himself look good whilst appearing open about his faults . I wonder if his exw thinks he has taken responsibility and grown up since he cheated

The other warning bell for me was his statement that he is looking for a committed relationship and wants to get married again. I think both those statements are about trying to fill what he perceives a woman would want out of a relationship. My dsis did OD for a few years and those who said they were looking for 'committed relationships' were generally spinning a line.

Be careful, Op.

Hiya wisey! Am sure your instinct will be good whatever you decide!

Duration of the affair might make a difference for me (the longer the affair the more deceit?). Age of DC (perhaps more forgivable if DC grown up and living away from home for some reason!) And perhaps also who ended the marriage (if his wife decided to let him stay, did she later just change her mind, or did he get fed up and leave when dealing with the fallout and making amends was tricky, or somewhere in between).

Like bookaboo, bit suspicious of statement that he's actively looking for marriage rather than just seeing what happens, but not experienced with OD, maybe loads of men are truly looking to marry again!

Personally I couldn't do it. If he was willing to cheat on his wife and destroy his kid's home life then that is very telling.

It's good he told you, but I just couldn't accept he was heartless enough to do it when the children were at stake.

It is a really hard one.
My first instinct is to say run a mile, once a cheater, always a cheater, but I know that isn't true.

Someone I know well had an affair in his first marriage. He had been married for 5 ish years, and faithful, but things weren't great, then he had an affair. Then he and his wife split up. I am very sure they would have split up anyway, the affair brought their issues to a head. They didn't have kids.

He since met someone, and has been happily married and faithful for 15 years.

I think all you can do really is get to know him, slowly.

Hello again, been out with friends and thought there wouldn't be further posts . hello esp to Dozer.

So, he didn't offload. We were having a conversation about something related which I began and which led to his admission. it was chance. He didn't offload. I don't think I'm more special than anyone else actually Loves and that isn't my question at all. And I haven't dropped my knickers and won't - you clearly have made an assumption about me that is based upon what? Piss off with your assumptions please.

Dozer thank you. You know how this all began and where I'm at.

Lying thank you. That's what I want to to do and just need to check out my hard-learned lessons.

It's difficult. Some studies suggest that you are more likely to be affected by infidelity than you are by divorce , and we all know how high the divorce rate is.

In some ways someone who's been unfaithful , and suffered the consequences might be less likely to repeat it , compared to people who boldly state they would never do it in the first place. Saying that ,In some cultures people are stoned to death for it , and still they do it knowing full well they'll be stoned to death , so who knows ?

It's hard enough to make a prediction about our own behaviour , let alone
Someone else's.

In my experience (my husband), they tell you this upfront to show you how honest and trustworthy they are. They aren't.

This has come back to bite me more times than I care to remember. There is never a reason to cheat. Listen to that doubt you have. It's there for a reason.

Tinks42 thank you. I suspect that he is banking on the sentiment that is expressed by the majority of respondents here, which is that his 'honesty' now, counts more than his lying and cheating on his wife back in the day. Which after two dates is far too early to call.

Is his revelation a dumping offence, it's too early to tell but the over sharing at this early stage would be a big concern.

Isetan yes he was probably very relieved, he said it, and didn't get dumped.

Given my age (mid 50s) I'd be a bit naive if I expected to meet someone who hasn't fucked up in some way, I know I have a chequered past so I'm not in a position to take the moral high ground. I know if I told him something about me that I'm not proud of and he went off on one, asking me all sorts of details so he could establish for himself that I've repented and am worthy of his time I'd feel pretty aggrieved - it's two dates in and as other pp's have said I can't make a judgement based on that.

I do take offence at the notion that all he has to do is utter a few platitudes and I'll fall for it - simply not the case.

To be honest here OP I don't understand why you posted then? You're now defending him? I personally think the first few dates should be fun and non-heavy. If someone told me all this on date two I'd be off due to not really wanting to know and/or have to make any decisions regarding his faithfulness. Too heavy for me by far.

I'm also early 50's.

My DH was unfaithful in his first marriage. Classic situation, first child was a baby, he was immature (late 20's), felt neglected, had a relationship with a younger colleague. It ended when his wife found out. They stayed together and had another child. She ended the marriage about 6 years later.

He suffered very much in losing his family life. He is an honest person and has taught me a lot in that respect. In my family nobody admits their failings. He told his now ex-FiL about the affair when his first wife asked him to leave as he was blaming his daughter for the breakdown of the marriage.

He told me about it quite early on but it came up when we were talking about the reasons for the breakdown of our first marriages.

I trust him completely not to be unfaithful to me (married 15 years now with 3 DC). He's matured and knows what there is to lose.

I cheated once and never did it again. Was a traumatic experience.

Then some people are serial cheats. The experience is a big joke to them.

Keep dating and see which camp you think he falls into.

Well thank you for the latest posts, I decided to update and didn't expect to see more responses.

I posted because I wanted to canvas opinion - statistically I knew there would be a fairly high chance of meeting someone who at my age may have been unfaithful in a previous marriage and hey presto I did. I wasn't defending him, I was trying to flesh out the description without giving too much information because I don't know if his ex DW might come here herself.

I don't know how my OP comes across as me pinning unrealistic hopes on a stranger who has said all the right things - that's not the case - what I said was we have clicked in the first two dates and that's a good thing. The 'but' was about his admission of infidelity and how that changed my view of him - any new information does that, doesn't it?

Any way it's all academic now because date three gave a much richer description of the man. I dumped him.

Keep posting just as you want Wisey and ignore the gratuitous bitchiness. Some women just have to put the boot in because they're lacking.

Dumping this man frees you up to interview the next one(s).

Oh thank you barking I'm fine as I knew I would be, there was zero emotional investment on my part - he was a stranger.

What happened? Well, I took on board all the views posted here but that's beside the point in a way. His conversation was way too heavy and he didn't listen when I reminded him that we were on date three.

So that was it really. Game over.

Lying I like you .

Oh dear, sorry date 3 was clearly rather rubbish!

My FIL cheated. Dh was a child at the time. He has his excuses of course, they tried again and tried to fix it but they ultimately divorced. Fast forward to last year. FIL had a long term partner (10+ years). He cheated. Again. Similar reasons to last time, even he admits the parallels. Twat. I struggle to be polite to him these days, he really painted himself in a different light when he was carrying on and being such a total arse. Really hurt his sons too.

Tactfully said, "date three gave a much richer description of the man"

If only online profiles could have a bullshit filter. people would type the usual blah and it'd magically describe them as they actually are to readers.

Kind of like harry potter meets the after-date bit of blind date.

Ah, my post wasn't clear, Wisey.
You ARE special, my point was more that someone who will cheat on their wife/child's mother clearly has fluffier moral fibres than would be ideal.

And to tell you that he wanted commitment and marriage after two dates, while also stating his past seemed really manipulative - as though he were some great prize, that you had to 'win' by accepting possible bad behaviour.

The knicker-dropping comment was more general: if I had a pound for every OW, new girlfriend or cheat who said his wife didn't understand him...
I always think the wives understand them all too well.

Anyway, I hope you find someone genuine and lovely.

Dozer if you can find a way to design that piece of software you'll be minted!

Loves ok, I was probably a tad prickly….thank you for coming back and clearing that up

I guess that's the thread killed now then. Thank you.

Well done wisey. Look back at your posts. You saw red flags. You acted upon them. That is wonderful.