Your opinions please? Dating a man who was unfaithful.

[akaWisey]

I've been on two dates with a man who contacted me OD. We hit it off immediately on the first date, enough for both of us to want to meet again (which we have). Second date was really good and we got on very well. There's a spark there which isn't, for me, based upon his appearance (although I am attracted to him too IYSWIM) So far he's interesting, funny, unpretentious, clever, considerate (yes, did the waitress test) and up front about why he's dating - he says his goal is to find a committed relationship, which is mine too. He would like to marry again (I wouldn't and was honest about that).

He also volunteered upfront why his marriage broke down some years ago. He had an affair which ended before his DW found out. He made no excuses, didnt blame-shift, says he wanted, and tried, to save the marriage and make up for the pain he'd caused his DW and DC's but the situation was irretrievable. I got the sense he was telling me this now to gauge my response (which was, to say the least, ) and because he wants me to know the truth from the start. He repeatedly said he will never make that mistake again (well, he's hardly going to say otherwise obviously).

That piece of information has altered my view of him, yes, but I'm not sure in which direction. I'd say, on the one hand, he's the real deal so far but on the other he was (is?) capable of deceit on an epic scale. Other than that theres no 'mirroring' no love-bombing, no fast-forwarding, no pressure of any kind but, rather, what feels like a desire to get to know me on my terms (and there will be no other way if I proceed). I like him so far but I don't like what he did and made that really clear.

So - I'm no fool, it's only been two dates and that's no time at all. If I never saw him again I'd be but at the same time I respect that he told me at the start.

I guess I'm seeking some views. This kind of scenario tends to generate split responses from "once a cheater.." to "people make mistakes.."

Some of you will remember me and my first (last) dating mistake and I'm not that woman any more - I'm a fairly seasoned MN'er now!

[nkf]

Didn't see update. Sorry.

[nkf]

Personally, I'd say after two dates and some doubts, you should probably be still seeing other people.

[wyrdyBird]

17 calls! And such charming texts too

Well dodged, indeed.

Better luck with the next date, akaWisey.

[akaWisey]

Thank you. The lesson here learned is:

Beware the embittered man who cheated because he 'wasn't getting enough sex' and lost his comfy lifestyle as a result.

Such a tosser

[AndreaApples]

And well done for recognising the red flags...I think you saved yourself future pain there

[AndreaApples]

I think it would depend on how long the affair went on and how much deception was involved.

If it was a drunken colleague thing, brought about by time together, a bit of alcohol and a few guilty fumbles I might be inclined to think it was a one off and he was capable of never doing it again.

If it was something more complex, then he is capable of extreme deception to the person he is charge to be most honest with in the world. If he could do it to her, he could do it to you.

Some people also seem like they are not deflecting blame but they might be being manipulative even with this. If there were problems in the marriage which "drove him to this" then wonder how he will deal with the (inevitable) problems that would come up in his next marriage.

Having been recently stung, looking back I wish I'd seen the fact that my DH cheated on his previous woman as the red flag that it was. Some people are capable of it, and some people are just not. Some people deal with marriage problems by believing the grass is greener and others are committed to work on it.

I know people can change and grow (I cheated in my twenties and would never do so now) but some people don't actually learn and grow. They just keep doing the same stupid thing over and over.

[BookABooSue]

Well done - you definitely had a lucky escape!

[akaWisey]

i thought I'd pop back and (for anyone who's interested ) give an update on Mr not-so-nice cheater.

Having dumped, I received no less than 17 calls (which I didn't answer) and loads of texts over a 24 hour period - ranging from "where did we go wrong" to "is there no chance for us" and then "well it's a shame we can't all be as blameless as you" and "here's a tip for a so called modern woman - don't expect the bloke to pay for everything on a date. You're a modern woman when it suits you" .

Bullet. Well. Dodged. There.

[Tinks42]

Another well done from me too. We weren't put on this earth to be unpaid agony aunts huh

[JupiterGentlefly]

Well done wisey. Look back at your posts. You saw red flags. You acted upon them. That is wonderful.

[akaWisey]

Dozer if you can find a way to design that piece of software you'll be minted!

Loves ok, I was probably a tad prickly….thank you for coming back and clearing that up

I guess that's the thread killed now then. Thank you.

[LovesPeace]

Ah, my post wasn't clear, Wisey.
You ARE special, my point was more that someone who will cheat on their wife/child's mother clearly has fluffier moral fibres than would be ideal.

And to tell you that he wanted commitment and marriage after two dates, while also stating his past seemed really manipulative - as though he were some great prize, that you had to 'win' by accepting possible bad behaviour.

The knicker-dropping comment was more general: if I had a pound for every OW, new girlfriend or cheat who said his wife didn't understand him...
I always think the wives understand them all too well.

Anyway, I hope you find someone genuine and lovely.

[Dozer]

Tactfully said, "date three gave a much richer description of the man"

If only online profiles could have a bullshit filter. people would type the usual blah and it'd magically describe them as they actually are to readers.

Kind of like harry potter meets the after-date bit of blind date.

[Indith]

Oh dear, sorry date 3 was clearly rather rubbish!

My FIL cheated. Dh was a child at the time. He has his excuses of course, they tried again and tried to fix it but they ultimately divorced. Fast forward to last year. FIL had a long term partner (10+ years). He cheated. Again. Similar reasons to last time, even he admits the parallels. Twat. I struggle to be polite to him these days, he really painted himself in a different light when he was carrying on and being such a total arse. Really hurt his sons too.

[akaWisey]

Lying I like you .

[akaWisey]

Oh thank you barking I'm fine as I knew I would be, there was zero emotional investment on my part - he was a stranger.

What happened? Well, I took on board all the views posted here but that's beside the point in a way. His conversation was way too heavy and he didn't listen when I reminded him that we were on date three.

So that was it really. Game over.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Keep posting just as you want Wisey and ignore the gratuitous bitchiness. Some women just have to put the boot in because they're lacking.

Dumping this man frees you up to interview the next one(s).

[akaWisey]

Well thank you for the latest posts, I decided to update and didn't expect to see more responses.

I posted because I wanted to canvas opinion - statistically I knew there would be a fairly high chance of meeting someone who at my age may have been unfaithful in a previous marriage and hey presto I did. I wasn't defending him, I was trying to flesh out the description without giving too much information because I don't know if his ex DW might come here herself.

I don't know how my OP comes across as me pinning unrealistic hopes on a stranger who has said all the right things - that's not the case - what I said was we have clicked in the first two dates and that's a good thing. The 'but' was about his admission of infidelity and how that changed my view of him - any new information does that, doesn't it?

Any way it's all academic now because date three gave a much richer description of the man. I dumped him.

[Innogen]

I cheated once and never did it again. Was a traumatic experience.

Then some people are serial cheats. The experience is a big joke to them.

Keep dating and see which camp you think he falls into.

[pinkflaming0]

My DH was unfaithful in his first marriage. Classic situation, first child was a baby, he was immature (late 20's), felt neglected, had a relationship with a younger colleague. It ended when his wife found out. They stayed together and had another child. She ended the marriage about 6 years later.

He suffered very much in losing his family life. He is an honest person and has taught me a lot in that respect. In my family nobody admits their failings. He told his now ex-FiL about the affair when his first wife asked him to leave as he was blaming his daughter for the breakdown of the marriage.

He told me about it quite early on but it came up when we were talking about the reasons for the breakdown of our first marriages.

I trust him completely not to be unfaithful to me (married 15 years now with 3 DC). He's matured and knows what there is to lose.

[Tinks42]

To be honest here OP I don't understand why you posted then? You're now defending him? I personally think the first few dates should be fun and non-heavy. If someone told me all this on date two I'd be off due to not really wanting to know and/or have to make any decisions regarding his faithfulness. Too heavy for me by far.

I'm also early 50's.

[akaWisey]

Isetan yes he was probably very relieved, he said it, and didn't get dumped.

Given my age (mid 50s) I'd be a bit naive if I expected to meet someone who hasn't fucked up in some way, I know I have a chequered past so I'm not in a position to take the moral high ground. I know if I told him something about me that I'm not proud of and he went off on one, asking me all sorts of details so he could establish for himself that I've repented and am worthy of his time I'd feel pretty aggrieved - it's two dates in and as other pp's have said I can't make a judgement based on that.

I do take offence at the notion that all he has to do is utter a few platitudes and I'll fall for it - simply not the case.

[Isetan]

Tinks42 thank you. I suspect that he is banking on the sentiment that is expressed by the majority of respondents here, which is that his 'honesty' now, counts more than his lying and cheating on his wife back in the day. Which after two dates is far too early to call.

Is his revelation a dumping offence, it's too early to tell but the over sharing at this early stage would be a big concern.