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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Married life??!!

19 replies

Brewster · 20/03/2014 13:49

what does your married life look like?

Do you laugh together, feel like a team etc?

Hubby and i haven't been intimate in years.
we have two children - 5 and 2. number 2 was IVF.
I am in therapy so am slowloy sorting my head out but i feel the biggest problem in my life is our relationship.

Just as i feel we are getting somewhere and getting along well and feel like maybe we could be happy together something happens to disrupt it all.

there is no cheating or abuse or anything like that we just seem to be 'part' you know.

the stress of life, and kids and work etc seem to get in the way.

after years of badness we were on the brink if divorce but we are over that now and we do work as a team where the kids are concerned (mostly) but there is just no connection …. not sure there ever was….

OP posts:

soconfusednow · 20/03/2014 13:57

I was wondering this too because my marriage has been shaky recently and I often think 'what are other people like behind closed doors'.
The stresses of every day life get in the way of our intimacy too, I think.
Will be interested to read the responses.

MysweetAudrina · 20/03/2014 14:06

Generally well connected. Sex at least once a week. Some kind of touch each day, kiss, hug. Both work, 5 kids ranging between 4-20. Get out maybe twice a month. Have flare ups which can be damaging and which we are trying to work on together. Dh has agreed to go for a walk the next time he gets angry and is directing it towards me ie blaming me for something. We are both quite reactive and can flare up very quickly over nothing. Neither of us want the marriage to end up it but is a destructive side of our relationship. I do love him and am attracted to him and he appears to be to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2014 14:11

What would you like married life to look like? To me - and I should caveat this by saying I'm not married :) - it should be like a really good friendship. An equal partnership that is loving, enjoyable, mutually supportive and respecting, interesting, but with an additional (and crucial) layer of physical intimacy and closeness that you don't share with anyone else.

I think it's when the last part goes west is when it's time to call it a day.

Original poster

Brewster · 20/03/2014 14:30

I guess i want my husband to be my best friend to be my confidante and for me to never feel judged or like i am annoying him.
for me to feel like we share everything and are there for each other.
that we would be close enough to touch and hug and hold hands and be intimate.
I feel very alone in the relationship and when that happens i find being around him very stressful and then that stress kinda makes weekend tough .

OP posts:

CaptainHindsight · 20/03/2014 14:30

Being married for us is a bit like a 3 legged race. One of us might stumble but the other picks them up and helps them try again. We laugh together,work out the kinks together and we will hopefully reach the finish line together! No grand gestures just solid support and encouragement every step of the way.

He makes me feel awesome.

DumbleDee · 20/03/2014 14:33

75% of the time,totally in love, affectionate, have fun together, share the same interests, awesome sex 1- 2 a week (not enough for him). 25% of the time we act as if we hate each other. Tried so hard to shift this but nothing seems to be working.

blueshoes · 20/03/2014 14:36

How did you feel when you first met him. Was there a connection then?

CaptainHindsight · 20/03/2014 14:37

Oh Brewster

Thats not too much to ask.

Grumpasaurus · 20/03/2014 14:39

I am married and I would say our marriage is a good one. As cogito says, we are best friends and we laugh together and we (generally) have the same goals in life. Also we touch and kiss and cuddle daily, and I would say we have sex at least once a week, more when I am not commuting!

All that said, I DEFINITELY annoy my husband and he DEFINITELY drives me a bit stabby sometimes! I swear his an old man in a young man's (I use the term loosely) body. He is on a shaving forum, ffs!

I only say this to point out that no relationship is perfect, by any stretch! I guess for me, and I think he feels the same, it's learning to accept which foibles we can live with, and which we can't- and then working on the ones we can't, but with compassion and communication.

Sounds cliched, but you have to talk! Sometimes I want to stab my eyes out when it feels like there is always something to discuss, but it does keep resentment at bay.

Grumpasaurus · 20/03/2014 14:41

Oh, but-

Feeling like he judges you is not okay.

Neither is feeling alone.

Those things you should not have to live with.

MysweetAudrina · 20/03/2014 14:42

Is that not alot to want from one person and is it realistic and before you got married was he all those things? Can you say those things about yourself, are you all those things to him? Most people judge is it fair to expect him to never judge you? What if you are being annoying, most people can be annoying. I annoy my dh, he annoys me. I can understand the need for contact and to feel connected. It is nice if your dh is your confiante but alot of that depends on the person you married. I don't think you can expect those things of someone who never was those things.

CailinDana · 20/03/2014 14:43

We're together 12 years, married 6. We just enjoy being together. He's very funny. We're both willing to admit when we're wrong and to let things go. We want the best for each other. It works.

soconfusednow · 20/03/2014 14:51

'but with an additional (and crucial) layer of physical intimacy and closeness that you don't share with anyone else.

I think it's when the last part goes west is when it's time to call it a day.'

cogito - what you say is so true and really rings true of my marriage (and a lot of others I've read about on mumsnet) but it's also such a hard reason for leaving.

'Why am I ending the marriage? Because he won't have sex with me..'

Makes me cringe just to think it, let alone explain to people.

soconfusednow · 20/03/2014 14:54

Sorry, Brewster I just hijacked a bit there. Sorry for your troubles. Amazing how many others are going through it.

CaptainHindsight · 20/03/2014 14:56

You don't need a reason soconfused

A simple "It wasn't working out" will suffice.

Whatever the reason, there is no need to stay in an unhappy marriage because you don't know what to say.

for you too

hookedonchoc · 20/03/2014 15:52

Dh and I are not very touchy feely people - we don't always kiss goodbye or snuggle o the sofa etc. But every night we lie in bed together and talk about our day and reach out just to hold hands or cuddle or connect. It's the best part of the day and keeps us feeling close.

Sex - maybe 2x / week now but it has varied from multiple times a day to not once in a year (bad time for us). You can get the intimacy back if you both want to. One of you has to reach out first of course. Ime it is very worthwhile in the end.

Phalenopsis · 20/03/2014 16:05

Thing is OP it's not just about the sex is it? There are people who have good relationships but don't have sex for various reasons. The issue here is intimacy which can be quite a different thing.

My OH and I don't have sex all that often (less than once a month) because of health problems. It's not ideal but we are intimate with each other. We hug each other, hold hands, squeeze each other's bums in passing etc. and still make each other laugh after 15 years of some real ups and downs. We're best friends. He pisses me off completely sometimes and I'm sure it's mutual but he doesn't make me feel small or judges me at all.

Therapy can cause a person to question their whole existence, that's not unusual and it's not for me to tell you whether your relationship is finished or not; only you know that. I would however say that feeling stressed by him, feeling alone in the relationship and feeling unsupported are not good signs.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2014 17:30

OP what you want is perfectly reasonable. If it's not what you're getting, then you're in a bad relationship. How you choose to deal with it is up to you, of course, but hold out for what you want regardless of what others might think. If it's important to you to have that connection, don't settle for less.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 20/03/2014 20:03

You sound like I felt when I was with my ex. Even when he was in the same room, I felt lonely. Luckily for the most part he worked away but when he was there, I found myself getting out early to go to boot sales or walking the dogs legs off or making really elaborate meals that kept me in the kitchen or or or anything that kept me from actually having to interact with him as I had got to resent him for being such a bully and dictating every aspect of my life. When I hit a really difficult time due to an elderly relative that needed a lot of my time, he deliberately became more distant and then had an affair. I ended it and her husband found out and he wanted to come back but I had bought him out by then and declined his kind offer! Only regret was I should have ended it years before.

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