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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship - he's clingy and I cant breathe!!

88 replies

waitingformychance · 20/03/2014 10:16

Is this a red flag maybe? and I need to get it off my chest !

We have been together about 6 weeks, I have not long come out of a mentally abusive relationship of 4 yrs and this has just kind of happened I have known him a little for about a year.

He is lovely,kind and what I would always be looking for EXCEPT!

I am getting bombarded with texts , even before 830 in the morning I usually have 3-4 from him, if I dont get chance to reply within 10mins I get another, along the lines of "u okay?" then 10mins later "hope yr phone hasnt broken" 10mins later " are u awake?"

I feel like I cant breathe!

He wants to see me everyday and I have to say no and come up with a good enough excuse that is plausable enough not to see him.

He said he wants me to move in - which is so wrong and soon but he cannot see it!

I dont want to rush anything and I have explained this!

I feel wary of getting close so soon, is this normal behavoiur of a new relationship and I'm pushing a good thing away ?

My ex showed no affection at all ( unless he wanted something!)

OP posts:
SylvanMuldoon · 20/03/2014 11:23

Oh my goodness, that red flag could not be much bigger! Ignore it at your peril.

TwinklySprout · 20/03/2014 11:23

One of the things that seems worrying here is that you don't even feel comfortable to deal with it in an open, honest way. That's not a criticism of you, I'm just concerned about the way he's making you feel - that you can't assert your needs. What do you fear will happen if you say, "Look mate, I like you but I do have a life, and there's no way I'm going to be checking my phone every five minutes."

This story about the clingy ex... it came from him, right? Hmmmm....

LavenderGreen14 · 20/03/2014 11:35

A whole bunting of red flags, a village fete and a brass band to boot.

Way too early to be dating OP - you can do the Freedom Programme online HERE , that will tell you how to recognize a wrong'un from a thousand paces

Original poster
waitingformychance · 20/03/2014 11:52

kirstyjc
yes I said I need a few nights a week just for myself and to catch up on things I need to do etc, he replie WHY? I reply because I just do, to which I get again "why?"

I said its way to soon to even think of living together, to which again I get "WHY?" I feel like I talking to a kid who keeps pulling at my sleeve for attention!

He has said his Ex has "episodes" ( not quite sure what they are?!?) but if she calls him at 3 in the morning he will go and sit with her! Even though she has a fiance !

OP posts:
itiswhatitiswhatitis · 20/03/2014 11:56

It's a bad sign that you already feel you have to lie to him in order to things. 6 weeks in and you are already having to 'handle' him to avoid stress.

wyrdyBird · 20/03/2014 12:01

Don't believe everything you're told, especially with regard to exes

WeAreEternal · 20/03/2014 12:09

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him.

He sounds extremely immature, even more so with the constant "why?" responses.

IIWM and I actually wanted a future with this man I would be sitting him down and explaining that I find the constant bombardment of text messages and demands to spend every second together extremely suffocating at in actual fact if is rapidly decreasing my attraction to him, and unless he can turn it down several notches I don't see any future for the relationship.
If he can't adress the problem sensibly without the use of the word why then I would be walking away pretty quickly.

Olddear · 20/03/2014 12:17

I'd be running so fast Usain Bolt couldn't keep up..........!!!!

kentishgirl · 20/03/2014 12:22

Way too much.

OH was very 'keen' right from the start and a bit intense, which did get me a bit concerned, but I talked to him and he backed off and slowed down. So, nice guys can be a bit full on sometimes, out of enthusiasm.

However, even when he was being a bit too much, he was not texting me in a creepy controlling way, insisting on spending every day with me, forcing me to make excuses to have time away from him, trying to move in after a few weeks, making me feel like I can't breathe. So I don't think your guy is a nice guy.

He isn't backing off either because he can't (slightly nuts), or doesn't respect you (and women in general) enough to understand your feelings are also valid, and feels that he now owns you and every minute of your day (controlling twat).

Red flag time.

squizita · 20/03/2014 12:25

I had a DP who was - accidentally perhaps - emotionally abusive in a 'stifling' way.

Never a cross word, he would cry if I looked sad (and I'd feel guilty) and talk about how he's die if anything hurt me, called x100 a day and would fuss/cry/call my mum in a panic (grown woman in 20s at time) if I didn't answer, wanted to marry me after a week (I felt like a slutty bitch for not) etc'. I felt guilty, like I caused him pain because he clearly loved me much more- and consequently ended up agreeing with anything he said and being utterly stifled.

It didn't work out. Un-naturally 'nice' can be as difficult as a rude/abusive person. And I felt guilty, so didn't see the signs.

Zone2mum · 20/03/2014 12:26

He sounds awful. Domineering, controlling and scarily intense. Leave.

kentishgirl · 20/03/2014 12:26

And the why why why thing would be enough to make me leave him. You don't have to explain yourself over stuff like this. Any normal adult understands these things. The why why why sounds like a 4 year old on a wind-up day when they want to send mummy nuts. Even if you think he's harmless, don't date someone with the maturity of a 4 year old.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 20/03/2014 12:27

My goodness, this is actually making me claustrophobic just reading it!

So, his ex was "clingy" yeh, right. He may be projecting here, he's the clingy one.

What really would annoy me is that after making a statement ie. I need some time to myself that I was then questioned repeatedly as to why. You are a grown woman who does not need to explain her actions.

I would end the relationship.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/03/2014 12:27

"He has said his Ex has "episodes" "

Be careful of this kind of line. People who bad-mouth the ex as a way of getting sympathy for themselves are not nice people. One day, sure as eggs are eggs, you'll be the 'nutty ex' when he talks about you to others.

Get shot of this man... the more you say, the more he sounds very unstable.

BillyBanter · 20/03/2014 12:29

This isn't even a little bit close to what a normal new relationship should look like. GET OUT.

AdoraBell · 20/03/2014 12:35

Get rid, now.

He will try to cling on, it will be your fault, you will be the evil nutty ex, and it's all about him.

Grow a thick skin and practice telling him it's over without being drawn in. It doesn't matter what he says, you are ending the relationship because it's not working for you. Repeat ad nauseaum.

pictish · 20/03/2014 12:39

Oh my word OP...red flags popping up like bright little markers on the road to Abuseville.

How can I keep this concise? I'll try.

Clingy - bad sign
Constant texting - bad sign.
Rushing you into a commitment whether you want one or not - bad sign.
No respect for your boundaries or opinions - bad sign.
Following you everyfuckingwear - bad sign.

Accusing ex partner of the very behaviour he is guilty of himself - very very bad sign.

Basically, this total pain in the arse is tailgaiting you all the way into Relationship Hell.

U-turn! U-turn!!

Smilesandpiles · 20/03/2014 12:41

RUN. Now. As far and as fast as you can.

Smilesandpiles · 20/03/2014 12:41

Do not fuck about, end it today.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 20/03/2014 12:43

I wouldn't bother with the frank conversation to get him to change his ways either, why invest anymore time? 6 weeks is such a short time cut your losses now whilst it's nice and simple to make a clean break.

He will not change, he's not going to have a light bulb moment if you tell him he's suffocating you he'll just become even more insecure

SelectAUserName · 20/03/2014 12:47

Jeez OP, there are so many red flags here it's like a national holiday in China.

Get rid now, and be prepared to keep your phone turned off a fair bit once you have, because he sounds the type to bombard you with further "WHY?"s once you give him the boot.

TwinklySprout · 20/03/2014 12:49

AND, just to add to my previous comment, if you do let him tail you to social events etc, I bet hard-earned cash that he'll soon be bad-mouthing your friends/family and trying to distance you from them, because obviously the only person you need in your life is HIM.

RUN LIKE THE WIND. There are decent men out there. Go find yourself one of them.

pictish · 20/03/2014 12:50

Basically

trufflehunterthebadger · 20/03/2014 12:54

run, run, run away

I had a boyfriend who was like this. The last straw was coming back to work from my days off (I lived in at a hotel at the time) and finding him sitting on the steps outside the staff house. He'd been waiting there all morning for me to come back. I finished it, that did not go well, he ended up in hospital. It was plenty more than the 22 year old me could cope with - we'd only been dating a fortnight.

Smilesandpiles · 20/03/2014 12:54

Select I think it may be better to download an app to block this one completely to be honest. He doesn't seem the type to take this and leave quietly. The op will be bombarded with texts for a good few weeks on and off..first pleading, then nasty, then soppy and trying to bring up good memories and then he'll get nasty again.