Is my mother in cloud cuckoo land?!

[SackAndCrack]

I have NC with my mother, she said some pretty shit things to me about being lazy and needing to get off my arse and get a job, despite me having 2 SN kids, one of whom cant yet go into childcare and I get carers allowance for (i.e the system recognises his high needs, hes on DLA but she doesnt).

Theres obviously more back story.

But my dad called today (they arent together) to tell me my Mum text him to ask if she could take my 7 year old out in April.

First off, she has never taken my child(ren) anywhere. Ever.

Second of all, she lives hours away and she doesnt know this area at all so presumably she would be taking him to hers?

We have no communication whatsoever, yet she expects to take my child out?

She thinks Im not letting her see him because punishing her.

Which is absolute bullshit. Why would I let me pfb go out with someone who I cannot even communicate with? Its never going to happen. She has never taken him out before, so its not like hes used to it or would care if it never happened.

Once again Im that close to emailing her to tell her exactly fucking well WHY she cant. I want her to know that its not because Im making her a victim by 'punishing her' but that its actually because shes been a massive cunt. (Not that Id call her a C because Id lose the moral high ground) but how she views this situation and how it actually is, are two very different scenarios.

Does anyone know what the deal is with grandparents rights?

She is emailing me saying "so, just to be clear, does this mean I cant see Ds And DS2? Just give me a straight answer."

I have a horrible feeling she will try and take it to court. She has a lot of money to do so, she knows that I have none.

You can repost that question in Legal for a more expert answer, but on previous threads where grandparents' rights came up, the answer from those who know has always been they have very few rights.

They have to get leave of the court even to apply for visitation (If that's what it is called) with a grandchild and would only be likely to get it where there was a good, stable and strong relationship with the grandchild that the parent had disrupted without good cause.

Doesn't sound much like your situation.

I wouldn't answer her at all, by the way. Perhaps even block her number?

If she took it to court, I don't think she would get the right to see them as you have a compelling argument that it would be harmful to them. Visiting a therapist will presumably back up your argument.
www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/grandparents/what-are-grandparents-rights/

If she took it to court, her behaviour would be revealed to the world at large. Does she generally act the same in company as she does at home, or does she hide her behaviour? If she hides it, she's surely not going to want to go to court really, is she? Any threats aside.

Could you imagine giving her extremely limited, chaperoned access once you have been through therapy and have some tools to resist? It's hard to imagine, but if in say three years' time you felt you were able to stop her attacks, might that be a possibility or do you think your children would be harmed even if you defend them? Could you offer her the distant possibility that she might have access in several years' time when you have got help?

If not, be careful with the wording on your "bugger off" reply: spell out the reasons as rationally as you can (given the situation!) and that could help your argument if it does go public.

I'm trying to be practical here, I know this is really dreadful for you but am not sure just telling her to f* off will help .

Grandparents in this country have no automatic rights when it comes to seeing their grandchildren.

Your mother is not worthy of the term and she has done far too much damage already. She will damage your children given any opportunity. Keep ignoring this woman, any communication from you will be seen by her as a reward and she will then bother you even more. Block her entirely.

I wonder what is considered a strong relationship?

She would see them about every 3 months. And send them birthday and Christmas presents.

Its not her behaviour with them thats a worry. Its her dickhead husband being in the picture at all.

Things were more healthy (not perfect) trusting, and pleasant before she married him.

So she, alone, is not a threat.

Yes I can imagine healing and dealing with this and the children seeing her on neutral turf, without her husband present with someone I trusted with them in the future. But no time soon.

Things are raw, unsorted, unsettled and basically pretty shit. I dont want my children to be a part of that.

They have a perfectly good set of paternal grandparents who we all love very much.

Raven I have an appointment with a psycho analytical therapist next Tuesdat now, so hopefully that will begin to help.

£55-75 a session though, so I doubt I could afford to to more than once a month!

You went no contact for good reason; it is certainly in your interests to maintain this.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

She was and remains an awful mother to you, she has not changed an iota.

With regards to your own situation now, a good rule of thumb here is that if she is too difficult/toxic for you to deal with, she is far too toxic for your both vulnerable and defenceless children. Toxic parents more often than not make for being toxic grandparents as well.

She sounds like a threat to me, you don't have to justify it by the added threat of her husband.

There are charities around that offer subsidised therapy. I think any therapist would want you to go more frequently than once a month. I got 12 weekly sessions for free through my local children's centre.

Once a quarter? She has no chance of even being allowed to approach the court with this!

Ignore her.

Blocke her emails. She's ignoring your clearly communicated boundaries.

No court in the land will entertain this nonsense!
Don't worry about that, it's bluster and hot air.

From what I've heard elsewhere on Mumsnet, a strong relationship is one where the Grandparents were sole/main carers for an extended while.

If she even tried to take you to court, all you would need would be a medical professional saying that your DS1 has anxiety issues.

My DS had a number of tics over time, and does not have Tourettes. I wouldn't worry so much about a label as trying to reduce his anxiety, and finding out what triggers it.

Thank you. Its not really the tourettes label I was (or wasnt) after per se, it was that the word 'tourettes' to me mean forever but 'tics' say temporary.

Thank you for reassuring me about the grandparents right things.

This gives me more strength to say no and block all contact.

I agree with what Attila said. Too toxic for you, far too toxic for the DCs. Go NC forever. She has no rights. Block ignore smile! I suspect she wants to have the DC as a 'badge of honour' to show off to her friends and no where in that does she have his best interests at heart. There will be an occasion in the background that she wants to attend with her DGC and it's all for show. It's sad but it sounds like you are behaving like the tigress you need to be to protect your family. Best wishes Sack.