Is my mother in cloud cuckoo land?!

[SackAndCrack]

I have NC with my mother, she said some pretty shit things to me about being lazy and needing to get off my arse and get a job, despite me having 2 SN kids, one of whom cant yet go into childcare and I get carers allowance for (i.e the system recognises his high needs, hes on DLA but she doesnt).

Theres obviously more back story.

But my dad called today (they arent together) to tell me my Mum text him to ask if she could take my 7 year old out in April.

First off, she has never taken my child(ren) anywhere. Ever.

Second of all, she lives hours away and she doesnt know this area at all so presumably she would be taking him to hers?

We have no communication whatsoever, yet she expects to take my child out?

She thinks Im not letting her see him because punishing her.

Which is absolute bullshit. Why would I let me pfb go out with someone who I cannot even communicate with? Its never going to happen. She has never taken him out before, so its not like hes used to it or would care if it never happened.

Once again Im that close to emailing her to tell her exactly fucking well WHY she cant. I want her to know that its not because Im making her a victim by 'punishing her' but that its actually because shes been a massive cunt. (Not that Id call her a C because Id lose the moral high ground) but how she views this situation and how it actually is, are two very different scenarios.

These issues run in the family - "man hands on misery to man" - maybe your mother is viewing this defensively too. Not wanting to admit that she could be doing anything wrong, so instead lashing out and trying to cover up any blame she might have by drawing the attention towards your "bad" behaviour. Assuming that you are trying to attack her as she often felt under attack in the past. If you do write a "bugger off" letter you might suggest in it that she get therapy too. I'm assuming that if you manage to tell her to bugger off, then you would manage to say something like that too; I'd be too scared of the fallout myself though!

Sack and Crack, I am not sure if I can say anything to help but I believe you. YOur mother sounds toxic. Your DF a prat for even considering passing on her request. And what your mother said to you when you were bullied at school. That must have been horrendous for you. The girls should not have bullied you. Even more you mother should not have said that to you. It was wrong on all levels.

I think you know that continuing NC is absolutely the right thing. Knowing more from what you have said I do not think anyone would question you right to protect your children. As your mother should have protected you. From the girls at school and from her DP.

I have recently started counselling - and tbh I used a similar method to you ...likes the photo on her profile and thought OK - she will do. If they looked a bit fairy and woo-ey I just ignored

It is a big step. Good luck with it. Look after yourself.

Sack, I meant that as a child, you were attacked by a woman who you could not stand up to as she was an authority figure and had control over your life: you felt under attack from your mother.

What kind of relationship do you have with your DF? Does he know you have NC and why? He needs to tell your mother that your (non)relationship with her is between the two of you and he won't be acting as middle man.

You need to do what you think is best for you and your DC, and it seems you are doing that just fine.

Don't bother emailing her, it won't change anything and could end up being used against you by her.

Oh I understand raven sorry.

No with my mother you could never win. She is never the one in the wrong. She was, quite literally, psychotic in an argument and in no way could you win.

I witnessed my dad endure this. After they split up it was me who had to ride that wave. Dad was the only person in the world to understand. She never, ever once did it to my brothers (my eldest had already moved out and my youngest was so little at the time). They would be shocked if I told them.

However, shit just happened.

She just text me.

Said "I would like to take you, DS, DS2 out for pizza in April."

But eh? Me and DS2 as well? Not a few hours ago she didnt, she wanted ti take just DS1.

How she thinks that all this crap, all those words can just be forgotten over pizza is beyond me. Absolutely beyond me.

So I just ignore this to? Say a simple no? Explain why?

I say 'arguments' but what I should have put was 'her rages' as you couldnt get a word in, let alone disagree.

Ignore, ignore, ignore! Non-contact is what it says on the tin, any answer, even a no thank you will be seen as a foot in the door! Be strong delete the message and carry on with your day

Ignore any contact that is made. Any response from you will be seen as a reward thus allowing them to bother you even more.

I would block her number from your phone also.

Yes I'll ignore it. You are right, answering her is creating a path.

I do not want a path.

I think this is triggered because I moved house and didnt tell her. I think she is probably starting to worry she'll never see her grandchildren again.

When you say you've gone No Contact, how long has it been and what, if any, notice did you tell her?

Not long. Under 3 months.

I emailed her to say after the conversation we'd just had, that I never wanted to see her again. That Id deleted her number, her fb profile and to never contact me again.

She rep
lied with "Will you stop me seeing ds and ds2?"

And I never replied.

If your mother didn't treat you right she won't be a good person to be in the life of your DC's - trying to bypass you by getting your DF to make arrangements for DC visit is trying to exclude you and unhealthy and disrespectful behaviour on her part. Ignore her.

Writing a letter to her telling her exactly what you think is a good idea - but DON'T send it! Or keep a journal - it will help to clarify your feelings and be a safe place to let your anger out. It's hardly surprising that you feel defensive - you were treated very badly - don't blame yourself.

I know the NC makes perfect sense and there's a very, very good reason for it, but she may not understand, however obvious the reasons are.

She may be like me - when someone criticises me, all I hear is "you are a bad person". Probably as I have a deep-down (stupid, senseless) feeling that I am a bad person. But I've only just started to understand that this might be what is going on. Until now I've just reacted to criticism with anger and denial, not even admitting to myself that the criticism could be deserved, as my head sees it in black and white as either good or bad, no in between. There's no scenario where I did something wrong but it's fixable or less than a catastrophe.

Your mum might be like me, and might feel as if she already knows (but has to deny) why you went NC - because she herself is a horrible person and there's nothing she can do about that. She feels she doesn't need to ask you why you did it. But of course she is terrified that the result is being cut off from the children.

It's just a theory; you know yourself and your mum better than me. It just sounds awfully familiar so I thought I'd describe my situation in case that does sound plausible to you.

I think:

-don't contact your mother at all;

-ask your father please not to send on any further approaches to him from your mother about you or your DCs. That door is closed and if you ever want to open it, you'll let him know;

-do look into the therapy option again. It is very slow and cumbersome to get therapy if you are relying on the NHS, but worth persevering. CAT (Cognitive Analytical Therapy) is a treatment model you might want to consider. As its name suggests, it is something of a hybrid between pure analysis and more practical types like CBT.

ravenmum

I think you might be right. Partially, fully, im not sure but it seems to make sense.

My mum is far from perfect but hers was so, so muc worse. She was the epitome of narcissism and toxicity. My mums childhood was absolutely horrendous (she still sent us kids there constantly though!) so if I need a psychotherapist (who has just replied to my email) then my mum needs it 10 times more.

Im starting to feel really guilty now.

Please don't feel guilty. You haven't caused this.

Understanding that your mother is damaged, and how and why, and feeling empathy for her, does not mean you have to offer yourself up to her as some kind of sacrifice. She doesn't get to abuse you (or let her hideous partner do it) to make herself feel better (not that it would).

If your mother is so bothered, why get a winged monkey to contact you.

She resents you, is unsupportive and you know that no good will come of it.

You have written threads about her and her H, and this thread is all about reassurance.

Well be reassured. Don't reply. Leave it be.

Why on earth are people being so unsupportive of the OP?!
Sack, your Mother sounds awful and hell would freeze over before I sent any child of mine to her.
I'm slowly going NC with my mum (down to one hour a week, now, chaperoned by DH) and feel so much better for it.
Ignore her. Easier said than done, I know, but you know it's for the best.

Soz, I wrote that in temper after seeing the first half of the thread.
Glad you're getting some support, Sack.

(RTfuckingT, Perlexed)

AngelaDaviesHair put it extremely well there.

Plus...

I'm only starting to understand my situation now because my husband threw our lives up in the air and made me realise I needed to confront the issues I thought I had to bury. He did it in a rather shit way and it is painful, but maybe it is like a boil being lanced. Maybe if your mother feels there is no other choice but to look in the mirror properly she might actually do so, and might benefit from it. If so, then allowing her to continue her bad behaviour is not the kind option, is it?

I'm stunned that people aresuggesting a way for OP to smooth things over.

In the op it states "she said some pretty shit things to me about being lazy and needing to get off my arse and get a job," so she doesn't respect OP by the sounds of things.

Who wants that in their lives & why take the risk of her starting to treat the gc in the same way?

Have you read it all through, diddl? Once Sack gave some more insights into the background the advice turned more towards how to manage the NC and get some help.

Yes I have read it.

But even from the OP I was surprised why people thought that Sack should be bothering tbh.

Sack wants to do what is best for her children, and I wanted to point out a negative effect of NC which might even the balance in favour of allowing contact. But now it is clear that NC has many more positive effects in this case which well outweigh any negative ones.

I know it is hard to imagine why anyone would go near a person who says nasty things in any circumstances, but in the end it is your mother, you can't divorce her and get another mother.

NC makes you feel better simply as the source of stress is removed, but you are still left with your own hurt. I've lived in another country to my mother for 23 years - not NC but minimal contact - and I don't feel like I have progressed, though it felt less stressful. Ideally, if I can manage it, I would like to see her understanding the situation better too. Though maybe that is me in cloud cuckoo land!