Is my mother in cloud cuckoo land?!

[SackAndCrack]

I have NC with my mother, she said some pretty shit things to me about being lazy and needing to get off my arse and get a job, despite me having 2 SN kids, one of whom cant yet go into childcare and I get carers allowance for (i.e the system recognises his high needs, hes on DLA but she doesnt).

Theres obviously more back story.

But my dad called today (they arent together) to tell me my Mum text him to ask if she could take my 7 year old out in April.

First off, she has never taken my child(ren) anywhere. Ever.

Second of all, she lives hours away and she doesnt know this area at all so presumably she would be taking him to hers?

We have no communication whatsoever, yet she expects to take my child out?

She thinks Im not letting her see him because punishing her.

Which is absolute bullshit. Why would I let me pfb go out with someone who I cannot even communicate with? Its never going to happen. She has never taken him out before, so its not like hes used to it or would care if it never happened.

Once again Im that close to emailing her to tell her exactly fucking well WHY she cant. I want her to know that its not because Im making her a victim by 'punishing her' but that its actually because shes been a massive cunt. (Not that Id call her a C because Id lose the moral high ground) but how she views this situation and how it actually is, are two very different scenarios.

Not sure where the cup of tea comes from? Is that from the "consider at least having a chat"? Doesn't sound so much like a cosy cup of tea as like a phone conversation through gritted teeth.

Ok I really need to blurt some shit out, feel free to ignore since its not really relevant to the situation. Or is. I dont know.

My eldest son who is 7, is 'different' as his teacher describes him. Hes waiting for a DX for possible dyspraxia and dyslexia and suffers terrible anxiety and doesnt cope with change at all. We moved this weekend and he has developed 5 tics. Nodding, blinking, throat clearing, grunting and sniffing. Is really bad, Im not sure if it earns the title tourettes or not but we are seeing the GP later today.

A child who develops tourettes is much more likely to do so if a parent suffered as a child with it or OCD or repetitive anxious behaviour.

Which I did.

My parents didnt notice, despite it being bad (very bad OCD and repetitive behaviour, not tics). Luckily I grew out of it.

My son needs normality, stability, routine and tonnes of love and care and a shed load of hope and support through this.

I do not want my arsehole of a mother rocking the boat for him.

Sackandcrack you're behaving as if everyone should remember you and your problems.

And a back story could have meant anything, just anything.

Name changing - it happens for lots of reasons.

I gave you advice based on the information you provided. It was advice that would have involved your mum having to prove she really wanted a connection with you and your children and she wasnt just doing it to bother your dad and cause a rammy.

You need to get over yourself and your expectations when it comes to people being aware of you and your back story

Give it another go with the therapy, Sack, even if it is just so you get an hour with someone non-judgemental. Someone who has actual training in being non-judgemental! Sounds tempting, eh? I've spent decades thinking that I shouldn't complain about my problems as they were not as bad as other people's, and anyway I seemed to be doing OK on my own. I was wrong. Don't wait for something to give.

We cross posted but I stand by what I've said.

And just to reiterate I really do understand regarding your sons difficulties. My son just isnt autistic at the very severe end of the spectrum, he also has Tourettes and additional mental health problems.

Maybe this will help you. Severe anxiety can manifest itself as symptoms of OCD and Tourettes.

caitlyn I stand by what I said. Id said NC with my mum, and there was a back story.

As far as Im concerned the initial responses disregarded the NC and replied as though it were a minor tiff. Which belittled it to me, hence my annoyance.

I did not expect anyone to remember my story at all. But I wrongly assumed they would take the NC as seriously as NC is and read that there was a back story as just that.

Ravenmum, what psychotherapy do you have? There a few arent there? I studied several at uni, I thought some seemed good, but others seemed not so tempting. Im not sure which though. I do know id like feedback and words. Not someone just nodding while I spill it all out.

Do you pay for it, or go through your GP?

Yes my sons tourettes (or tics) is because he is very anxious. My ocd and repetitive coping behaviour was because I was extremely anxious as a child.

Sackandcrack I think any reply that wasnt what you wanted to hear would have annoyed you. Maybe next time you could just hesitate for a few seconds before you get peed off with people who took time out of their day to answer you.

I see what your saying about your boy but pls try not to worry too much about Tourettes, there really is way much more to it than what youve mentioned when it comes to getting a diagnosis.

Hth :)

Is there??? So it might not be tourettes?? Please explain more, Id really appreciate information.

I read loads on it, but the one thing that stood out was "tics become tourettes when there is 2 tics at the same time, one vocal and one physical". And he has a mix of 5.

Hi Sack, you are clearly doing the right thing for you and your dc by going nc with your mum, however I'm guessing this is quite a recent thing for you and so it is still very raw and upsetting. I have been nc with my mum for I think about four years now, can't remember really, and it's the best thing I've ever done for me. She was never interested in my kids only herself, my kids don't miss her as they know she wasn't interested in them and they know what happened to make me go nc with her. When I get the occasional text from her I just laugh and ignore it because I genuinely don't care anymore, and that's how you'll feel if you continue as you are. Don't rise to any contact from her at all even if it's through others she's just trying to get a reaction from you. Stay strong for yourself and your dc and things will get easier honestly.

Surely if you have no contact with your mother, and your dad says he has had a text from her about your daughter, you just shrug your shoulders?

I'm living abroad so the system is a bit different. (Free for the diagnosis and free therapy depending on the diagnosis.)

As I said I've just done one session. She uses an analytical method, but after five sessions we'll decide together what method would be best if I require proper therapy. Don't know if that is similar in the UK.

I told her my story and she asked questions (why do you feel that? etc) and made comments, e.g. putting it forward that my getting angry and throwing things across the room might be a human reaction rather than the action of a mad person (as my husband seems to think). I like this approach, though I guess I might need CBT or something in the end (?). She brought up a couple of things I hadn't thought about at all, especially why I want to distance myself emotionally (maybe so as not to be like my mum?).

It's just a novel way of looking at it. I've never talked about these things with anyone. Maybe you have another outlet for that, but a novel viewpoint from someone trained in these things is at least really interesting.

Sack anyone seeing your son will concentrate on him as a 'whole person' and not just on the things youve mentioned. So many things can mimimc others.

That's really all I would feel comfortable saying because anything else woukd be totally inappropriate.

Im about to board an aircraft and wont be back in for a few days. Im sorry.

Fair enough caitlyn, thank you.

Ravenmum, I think Id have to pay for it but perhaps it would be worth a few sessions.

I'll crack on and research it.

Thank you.

And appologies for the initial sting in my responses. It is raw, the conversation with my DF just happened and Im currently very worried about my children. Defensiveness is something I do far, far too much of.

"Defensiveness is something I do far, far too much of."
Me too. The therapist would probably want to know why that is.

I have absolutely no clue. I dont know how to stop it either, it comes and I always regret it.

I lost two friendships over it recently.

Although the first one the relationship fizzled out anyway, she moved away and stopped contacting any of us, so my defensive response to her was just a nail in the coffin.

But one wasnt though. One ruined a perfectly good friendship.

I hate myself for that.

You might be able to stop it, I think, if you know what triggers it and why it comes. One line of thought might be whether you ever, at any time in your life (cough) felt under attack and unable to defend yourself (e.g. was the attacker older and stronger than you - bigger cough), which might put you in fight-or-flight mode when you get into even a minor disagreement today?

Oh, and the answer to "why...?" is not "Because I am a bad person".

Ohhhhhhhhhh yes. (Being under attack and unable to defend myself). Big time

I was horrendously bullied at school by a gang of girls. I was tortured physically and mentally for years. Spat on, beaten daily etc etc.

My mum would ask me what Id done to make them do that? "You must have done something? Its you. You always do something."

Grrr.

I have emailed a local psycho analytical counceller.

I dont know if she'll be any good, but she has a nice face so figured Id contact her.

And when I say gang, it was 25-30 girls.

And me.

If she isn't any good, try another. Might as well be nice to yourself if no-one else will, right?

Well, I wasn't thinking of older, stronger girls, more like an older woman in your life that you had no means of standing up to. But yes, being spat on and punched every day might just have something to do with it too!

I don't know what happens after you work out where the problem lies, hopefully things can change.

I would say that if things were bad enough to go NC, that's how it should continue. A simple No, with no qualifier, or completely ignoring the request is the only appropriate answer. I would view your mother's request as a means to an end of drawing you back into the family using your child as a pawn, and no one would be using my child in such a way. The fact that your mother sees NC as a form of punishment suggests a somewhat unhealthy way of making it all about her. I bet her abusive relationship with her husband is also discussed in terms of high melodrama as well.

Ravenmum no not as an adult. Ive always been defensive as an adult and had no problem sticking up for myself (or others) since I left school.

Dahlen, I ranted a little bit at my dad. He understands, he was married to her for 20 years. But I asked him not to repeat anything Id said and just not give her any answer at all.

But MAN I always want to email her and tell her EVERYTHING thats in my mind.

Sack, I think your father's communication triggered you into a state of emotional flooding. Completely understandable. From my experience, it helps to remember the boundaries already in place-and remember why they are there (the toxic one will never change). It does take time and practice, but eventually the state of emotional detachment will develop into the shoulder shrug of indifference suggested by Logg1e. She got in touch...so what?

My impression (from your statement that you have always had the family role of scapegoat) is that the motive for your mom's sudden wish for contact with her grandchild is to meet her own needs at the child's expense. Even if your mom qualified as a trained sn care provider, from your own experience with her, your gut is telling you that she would treat your dc as she treated you, so that's a definite "No". On the other hand, if she was "perfect" with your child, it would be too painful for you to endure because it would be another slap at you for her never treating you in an appropriate way. I am trying to say she would use your child to further hurt you.

Defensiveness is fine, just know that a quietly stated, "no, that is not something I am going to agree to" is the same message as "Is my mother in cloud cuckoo land?", but keeps a measure of self esteem and personal dignity.

Very well done on going no contact. It is hard to start and hard to maintain- at first. At the end of the day, it does not matter how graceful or diplomatic you have been to get there, the important thing is you have done it.