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Original poster

Straw poll.... 'I've not been happy for some time' = OW/OM

78 replies

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 08:54

Indulge me MN-ers. I personally got the 'I've not been happy for some time' line and it turned out to mean 'I've met someone else'. Mealy-mouthed variations would be 'I don't know what I want any more', 'I've never really loved you', 'I'm not sure if I still love you'.

So have you had one of these lines and did it eventually turn out to be an OW/OM?

OP posts:
Outofyourmouth · 18/03/2014 13:12

I got the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line. Four weeks later up pops ow.

Original poster
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 13:14

That's my feeling on the matter. A specific statement of being unhappy about something in particular opens up the possibility of working something out, fixing things etc. A vague statement of 'I'm not happy' is a dead-end. Saying 'I've not been happy for some time' and leaving that hanging in the air ... the partner starts wondering if they've been going around with their eyes shut or (worse) what they've done wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 13:15

Another corker Outofyourmouth. We'll add that to the phrase book.

OP posts:
scornedwoman67 · 18/03/2014 13:58

'I've not been happy for some time' & 'I love you but am not in love with you'
yep younger OW in the office.

skyeskyeskye · 18/03/2014 14:09

his words - are you happy? me - yes. him - well I'm not, I don't feel the same any more, I don't want to be here any more.

Bolt out of the blue for me. Turned out he was texting OW thousands of times over the past few weeks. Denied it all the way along, and still is 2 years later despite the fact they are now living together. still denying it mainly because she is married to his best mate

LouiseSmith · 18/03/2014 14:29

"It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for this level of commitment" x

Dreadedsunnyday · 18/03/2014 14:50

I didn't get the "I'm not happy line" but I did get the textbook (in retrospect) distancing emotionally and physically before the OW bombshell was dropped. I was clueless.

I got the "I assumed you knew and didn't care" line though. Anyone else had that?

Lovingfreedom · 18/03/2014 15:07

I love you but I'm not in love with you...I just don't know what I want any more...

Original poster
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 15:16

That's certainly an original variation on a theme Dreadedsunnyday... Confused

OP posts:
QuiteSo · 18/03/2014 15:24

What about 'we just don't have anything in common anymore'
Followed by 'I've been unhappy for years. Any normal person would have noticed'.
Yep, OW.

LavenderGreen14 · 18/03/2014 15:28

What about 'I am depressed and having a breakdown and just need to be on my own for a bit'.

Onesleeptillwembley · 18/03/2014 15:41

I've used the line. And no, there was no one else.

Onesleeptillwembley · 18/03/2014 15:42

Sorry posted too soon. I just hadn't been happy for quite a while.

Original poster
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 15:45

And did you leave it hanging in the air Onesleeptilwembley or were you more specific about what it was you were unhappy about?

OP posts:
Onesleeptillwembley · 18/03/2014 15:48

Extremely specific. I'd mentioned it before as well. Tbh because we didn't see a lot if each other with both out jobs (days/weeks on end) it was the only reason our marriage lasted so long.

GarlicMarchHare · 18/03/2014 15:53

You know, in the unlikely event I ever have another serious relationship, I just wouldn't hang around to find out any more. There's a world of difference between "I'm not happy about ..." the way we share the wifework; our social life; our political differences; etc, and all these mealy-mouthed expressions of general discontent. If someone doesn't want to be with me, and doesn't love me enough, then why would I debase myself and him by trying to make a bad thing good? I did, of course, do that - it was a huge mistake. Both times!

Original poster
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 16:01

On my hit list of bad characteristics in a potential boyfriend the category 'vaguely unhappy' is up there with 'pathological liar' and 'tight with cash'. My gloomy exH was obsessed with 'happy'. He'd ask me 'are you happy?' and being a generally cheerful sort I'd say 'yes'. Then he'd fix me with a look and say 'but are you actually happy?' And I'd reply something about it would be nice to win the lottery and lose 20lbs of unsightly fat but still, yes. 'Aha!!!' he would say,.. 'so you're not really happy?' FFS... Hmm When he said 'I've not been happy for some time' therefore, this was not exactly a bombshell. That he'd found some other gullible mug woman that would put up with his one-man Eeyore impression was more surprising...

OP posts:
ormirian · 18/03/2014 16:14

Well I found out about the OW BEFORE 'things aren't right' speech. But before he admitted that yes, she actually WAS an OW not just a 'close friend who needed support'. And no he didn't have an answer to what exactly was wrong so I wouldn't have had a chance to address the 'things'.

ormirian · 18/03/2014 16:18

As it happens it was that particular night, rather than all the rest of the affair nonsense put together, when he lay there like some noble silently-suffering martyr, refusing to give my any reassurance, refusing to say what was actually wrong, refusing to DO bloody anything!!!! that still makes me want to chop him up with a kitchen knife and jump up and down on the bits.

FolkGirl · 18/03/2014 16:26

Actually, like Ormirian, I found out about the OW before I had the excuses, but when the excuses flowed, they were all of these cliches.

In our case, I genuinely believe him: I hadn't been happy for a very long time either for a number of reasons; I knew he didn't love me and hadn't ever done really; and life had got in between us as a couple; and he was financially/emotionally abusive - but I put a lot of that down to being a symptom of the stress we were under generally.

However, I knew that a lot of it could be explained away by family circumstances and that some of them we had already put a stop to (cut my mother out), and others were clearly nearly resolved (my dad was clearly dying) and I was unhappy too. I knew there was a chance that when we started to put our lives back together we would realise we had run our course, but we didn't even have chance to do that.

But I just wouldn't have had an affair. And I had no idea he was. He was the support that held the rest of us together in the last few weeks of my dad's life. He was the one who talked to all of us (my brother and SIL included) about focusing on the positives and what the future would hold. He was the one encourging us to make plans for the future as a group that we could look forward to (something we hadnt been able to do for years) and he was instrumental in keeping everyone positive. He used his annual leave to visit my dad in hospital when I couldn't get out of work to do it. In many ways, he was fantastic. And yet, all the time...

And the excuses, when they came, were just the same.

BeforeAndAfter · 18/03/2014 16:32

After Phase 1 - the 'I need time away and I don't feel the same any more' phase, XH moved on to the 'B&A character assassination' phase to justify his stance. So he reeled off a host of lies to convince himself we were totally mismatched:

  • Apparently I never listened to music, never danced, never did this, never did that, didn't like wraps (yes, wraps, as in tortillas with food in) and so on and so forth. He scraped a few barrels during that phase. All complete tosh. His piece de resistance was when he told me that I could cope without him because I always cope but OW wouldn't be able to cope ...
Kaykat · 18/03/2014 16:42

Yes I got the, 'I haven't been happy for many years' (strange he didn't mention it before meeting OW). Also, 'She is giving me all the love and support that you should have given me' and 'I am not hurting you because you have no emotions'.

I do have emotions now - happy ones because I am divorcing him Grin

Offred · 18/03/2014 16:48

I think statements like 'I've not been happy for some time' which seem to come out of the blue and/or are vague and not able to be explained any further are often 'I've been seeing someone else'.

At the end of a relationship it is likely to be true that both people have 'not been happy for sometime' but if no-one's head has been turned it is normal to be able to articulate further than that what the problems are and the problems will likely be recogniseable to both people and joint rather than vague, of relatively short duration and one sided.

I'm not sure it is as cut and dried as simply the statement.

3mum · 18/03/2014 16:53

I got "I don't know what I want" which actually meant "I know that I want the OW but I'll let that dawn on you gradually so that I don't ever have to take responsibility for it and when you kick me out after you find for the nth time I am still seeing her it will be all YOUR FAULT 3mum for breaking up the family"

Offred · 18/03/2014 16:56

yes 'I don't know what I want' can mean 'I don't know whether I want you or her/him' but that can also mean 'I want to dump you but dont want to take responsibility for it' too.