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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what nice things do you do together?

76 replies

user765 · 17/03/2014 10:22

DP has cheated. Had an affair with older woman. Says we don't do anything nice together any more (DD is 8 months old....yes I know he has been totally selfish and treated me appallingly). Anyway he wants to come home and work through it. We have decided to devote more time to each other and get a babysitter etc.

What things do couples do together to rekindle the romance? Anyone in any successful relationships with some advice? Thanks

OP posts:
irrationalme · 17/03/2014 10:29

So he's been off shagging OW then shifts blame onto you as well.

Let me ask this, what was stopping him from organising some nice time out together/hiring a babysitter after your DD was born?

A successful relationship is based on mutual trust and commitment, and sometimes you have to put your own needs second over those of family. Where's his?

Logg1e · 17/03/2014 10:31

Rekindling romance is not your priority. Somebody should be working fucking hard to regain your trust by being 100% transparent about his actions and making it up to you. Not by flashy presents and grand gestures, but repeated and consistent care and reliability.

DumbleDee · 17/03/2014 10:36

Agree with above posters tbh.

But what "we" do nice together:
Gigs
Meals out
Cinema
Days out and about
Cycling
Pub
Festivals

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 10:40

Is your DH on an equivalent forum asking the same questions or, like his decision to screw other people, is clearing up his mess all your responsibility as well? Hmm Don't sell yourself short OP.

Logg1e · 17/03/2014 10:41

Ok, if we're writing lists, "nice" things we do together:
Don't lie to, or betray, each other.
Don't lie about who we are with or where we are.
Don't put our time and energy in to a relationship with someone else.
Don't laugh about each other behind their back.
Don't have sex with other people.
Don't become emotionally intimate with others people.
Don't spend family time having an affair.
Don't spend family money having an affair.

Original poster
user765 · 17/03/2014 10:48

Thank you all, I know all these things but do love him so so much and want things to work out. I feel like we should at least try then see how things go. Financially he is very supportive and works hard for us. Obviously I realise that late nights at work have been late nights shagging her. I think we have both lost ourselves somewhere along the line and are both lonely.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 10:51

If you really want things to work out - and this is going to sound counter-intuitive - you have to put the ball very, very firmly in his court and stop blaming yourself for his decision. You have not 'lost yourself' ... he chose to treat you with supreme disrespect. Until you have self-respect he will not respect you and he will not respect you if you go the man-pleasing self-reproach route

Poughle · 17/03/2014 10:52

Really sorry you're going through this.

What happened was in no way your fault.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Logg1e · 17/03/2014 10:52

OP how has your husband agreed to try to make things work out? There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing what you're doing, but many of us will be concerned that the effort is all coming from one side.

Original poster
user765 · 17/03/2014 11:11

I know its not my fault and told him that he has a problem but maybe some part of me does blame myself a little. I have told him it is up to him to change his behaviour and he said he knows this. I have agreed for him to come back on my terms but how do I do thus without forcing this on him? (We had trial separation and after a week he came back)

OP posts:
Logg1e · 17/03/2014 11:14

OP I have agreed for him to come back on my terms but how do I do thus without forcing this on him?

I think you have to enforce your terms.

But we all do that. We all have boundaries and expectations. I know what my partner's are, and he knows what mine are. Furthermore, we both know what happens if we don't meet those expectations or step over a boundary. I think that's normal and healthy and keeps us both safe and secure.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/03/2014 11:32

My thoughts just on reading are...

A week isn't very long for a trial separation.

He's pushing the blame on to you. You don't do enough together so he had to shag someone else? Really? How about he just talked to you about it.

He wants to work it through. What do you want? You've only been apart for a week. What are your terms? Because it has to be on your terms. He's broken your trust. It's all too easy for him just to waltz back in after a week and think 'great, that was easy'. Especially if he knows you want to work it out. He doesn't have to try, life goes on as normal.

Original poster
user765 · 17/03/2014 11:36

Yes thanks Logg1e we need to set expectations and boundaries. He said he is prepared to change phone number etc. She works for him and he said she could sue if he sacks her but she will probably leave of her own accord as she is peed off that he has not left me. I said tough she needs to be gone and completely cut out of his life. So there are things he is doing but he definitely needs to make it up to me. I feel stronger after the separation as although the first three days were hell I came to realise I can live without him!

OP posts:
Logg1e · 17/03/2014 11:49

I think that you need to set your terms (although I'm not sure about illegal ones involving her being sacked!).

Original poster
user765 · 17/03/2014 11:52

Yes you're right. We have both agreed that we don't want it to go back to how it was before as we were both lonely. He said I had have been ' closed off' yet he was always working/ shagging her. Even at the weekend he plays rugby then works from home. I need to lay down the law more, I realise that now.

OP posts:
Logg1e · 17/03/2014 12:03

Right OP, listen up. I think you should tell us a little bit more about the details, especially time frames. I think you should spend the rest of the week reading what people have to think and testing each and every one of your beliefs about affairs. I have found MN to have the most refreshing, no nonsense, enlightened insight in to affairs. Then, at the end of the week I would be prepared to make some different decisions to those you already feel you may have committed yourself to.

Original poster
user765 · 17/03/2014 12:22

Ok so we have been together 5 years, not married but bought house last spring. I had baby in July. Affair started in September. In February he went away with work, she went with him. I found emails on phone, nothing to suggest they were having an affair, and thought oh he has gone away with a woman and didn't want to tell me in case I was funny about it. Thats when he admitted it. So it has been 4 weeks really since it all came out.

He has own business and there has been a lot of pressure on our relationship, buying house, baby etc last year. She is 11 years older (but lied about her age). He always said that he wants mire children, but she is past that age so it seems absurd to leave me for her, but there we go. By the way his dad had string of affairs when he was growing up and it tore family apart so there are deeper issues going on.

So anyway he left on my suggestion that he go and sort his head out and of course ended up shagging her again but then came back full of regret. I ssid go off and be with her but he says he doesn't want to leave me. So thats it basically!

OP posts:
Jan45 · 17/03/2014 12:28

So how do you know it's actually over?

His attitude towards you is appalling, you need to be 100% sure that he really does want to give it a proper go with you, it's not sounding good. If he wanted to improve the relationship HE should've suggested things you can do together BEFORE he decided to go off and shag someone else. You cannot possibly trust him now, it's broken. Sorry but he's the one who should be falling over himself to please you and show you that he does actually regret what he's done, it doesn't sound anything like it.

Logg1e · 17/03/2014 12:33

Oh OP there is so much there. I do hope you get support here and that you find it helpful.

My thoughts are:

  • This is very, very early days.
  • Draw your attention away from this woman. I know you haven't been calling her names, but stop thinking about her lying about her age orher being mad that he hasn't left you for her. She's not the one who has wronged you and I bet if it were possible for you two to talk you'd find out that she has been lied to as much as you and is in fact a very reasonable person herself.
  • You haven't had time to digest this. I really think that you need time and space to get your head around this. I agree completely with the standard MN advice - he has to leave the family home (and for longer than a week!!). This is not to punish him. This is to give you the opportunity to have a good think about what you want to happen next. Remember he has month's worth of knowledge that you haven't even thought about yet.
  • Who have you told in real life?
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 12:36

"So anyway he left on my suggestion that he go and sort his head out and of course ended up shagging her again but then came back full of regret"

You mean crocodile tears, don't you? Someone said up-thread that a week was in no way a trial separation and they're quite right. He used his week as a kind of shagging mini-break, picked up where he left off, they're still going to be working together and his life hasn't changed one iota. You've given him no real conditions for returning and he doesn't seem to be making much of an effort.

He's giving it a few weeks for the dust to settle and then he'll be back in the saddle.... And I'm very sorry you're not married because I think you're going to suffer quite a lot of this in future and you'll end up with him walking away and you having nothing.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/03/2014 12:36

OP it gets worse!

So he left and went and shagged her? But now he conveniently doesn't want to leave.

What about what you want? It seems like everything is on his terms. He only left for a week OP and he still didn't keep away from her!

Does he really want to be with you? Or does he actually want to be with her but she's too old to have kids?

I think he's in control here and you are tolerating a lot.

You write a lot about him wanting to come back, him wanting to stay. Well who gives a fuck what he wants. What you want is the most important thing here. I don't think you've given it enough time. Are you angry with him?

Original poster
user765 · 17/03/2014 12:41

I know its over because she turned up at our house and threw a load of his stuff at him then stormed off.

I have told two close friends who have both said he's mad, he's having a breakdown, stress of new baby has driven him away and that he will come back to me, that its not over.

Everything you have said rings true. I think I am scared that he is not trying hard enough to convince me this is what he wants.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/03/2014 12:43

He couldn't even keep away for a week so I agree with another poster who said how do you know it's really over?

You need to chuck him out for more than a week OP. It's too easy otherwise.

There are lots of couples who don't spend a lot of time together. It doesn't mean one of them sees it as a green light to shag someone else.

Original poster
user765 · 17/03/2014 12:43

And yes I am angry at him but also worried about his state of mind. I want him to stay but only if his heart is really in it

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 12:44

Oh please.... you think she's the only fish in the sea? So he's lost this one and is back for now. But there are plenty of other women in plenty of other business venues and commercial hotels etc. and men like your DP really aren't all that fussy.

Your friends mean well but all they missed off that ridiculous list of excuses was 'boys will be boys' and 'mid-life crisis'.... Don't let them lower your standards.