Do people really enjoy sex with their partners?!

[Bangonthedoor]

Silly thread title I know!

Basically DP and I went to DTD last night but he couldn't erm...get it up properly. I said don't worry we can try again later etc.

He got a bit embarassed and blamed me for not grooming myself, not putting any effort into it and only wanting it when it's baby making time. Ok all of this is true... Is it bad of me??

I felt upset - because it's true. So rolled over and fell asleep.

I don't look after myself anymore because I simply can't be bothered to groom and wear nice undies. I'm always tired and just want to do what needs doing...is this selfish of me?

Yes it's true that I only want to have sex when I'm ovulating because I don't enjoy the sex and his slobbery kisses make me cringe. Also hence why I don't put any effort in as I want it just to be over.

Honest opinions please, but not too harsh

I know this isn't doing DP's self esteem any good but it's not nice for me either and I wish I could change overnight. Because that's what normal people do isn't it, have mad loving sex all the time?!

DP is 29, I'm 25 and we've been together for around 6 and Half years. Have a lovely home and 22 month old DD.

[Twinklestein]

I'd have said she's the poor sod to be married to someone she doesn't fancy at such a young age.

Her partner is very lucky that when he tried to blame his stiffy failure on her lack of grooming, she didn't tell him she didn't bother because she wanted to avoid sex with him. If it were me the sobbery kisses would also have been mentioned. But then I'm a bitch.

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

DP and I have a wonderful sex life. We have sex 4-5 days a week on average, excluding when I'm on my period. I've never been with someone I enjoy sex with as much as him. I'm 25 as well.

I think you do need to make some effort with your appearance. Not in terms of dressing up all the time, but the little things can make a huge difference. I mean, I wouldn't sleep with DP if he hadn't bathed or smelt or hadn't brushed his teeth, so I make an equal effort with him - keep myself clean and shaved - it's an extra two-tthree minutes onto my shower and it means I feel confident and as a result, our sex life benefits.

I would be very upset if DP only wanted sex to have a baby. I wouldn't want to have a child with someone who wasn't interested in me sexually.

[ScarlettOHaraHamilton]

I generally enjoy sex with DP, but not always - I think that's quite normal too. Sometimes one of us is much more in the mood than the other and if that's me, I think it's a good idea and then we start and I realise that maybe, not so much...

But I think in a healthy relationship you should be able to talk about these things and work them through.

It's perfectly fine that he would rather you made more of an effort with shaving, for example - a woman could say the same thing to a man. And there's nothing wrong with him liking you in nice underwear or certain clothes, as long as you feel comfortable wearing them and he appreciates it. Personally, while most of the time I can't be arsed to 'put something on', DP certainly makes his appreciation known when I do, and that in itself helps a lot. Feeling good about yourself definitely has an effect on your libido.

It sounds like the TTC sex is confusing things at the moment, which can't be helpful or even possibly sexy. But it must be difficult when you are TTCing to separate sex and a baby.

Can you tell him that it's the lack of 'me' time that isn't helping? Honesty is generally the best policy. I tell DP that when I've been on the go all day it's not exactly easy to just flick a switch and feel sexy! To be honest, I struggle to switch from 'wife' the 'lover' in an instant. A little bit of relaxing, even if it is fifteen minutes, can help so much.

[Bangonthedoor]

Thank you all so much for replies.

Just in case people have got the wrong end of the stick - I do most certainly bathe and brush my teeth! I'm always clean and bathe every day with my DD. What I mean by grooming and looking after my appearance is that my legs and other bits might not be shaved, my hair might not be straightened and i may not be wearing make up. But i am always clean!

Yes I am 25, please don't offend me and others who are 50+ by suggesting I'm 50. Sex doesn't come in stereotypes.

It's nice to hear a mans perspective also, so thank you to those lovely men who commented

As a way forward, I've decided I'm going to try and make myself look prettier to see if that helps my self esteem which in turn should change my view on sex. Also I have booked a babysitter (my very loyal sister) to pop over tomorrow eve so I can surprise DP with some after work drinks/dinner.

I really want to make this work I just need to change my attitude to sex. I'm also a massive prude these days which doesn't help.

[ALittleStranger]

I don't think anyone was meaning to offend the over 50s OP. Sex doesn't come in stereotypes, but there are boring textbook trends and this once again looks like a teenage relationship that has run its course. Your attitude towards your DP is pretty off. I'm struggling to see why you think it's a good idea to extend your family, or limit your own expectations about happiness.

[Twinklestein]

I can't really see that wearing make up is you going to make you fancy someone you don't.

I'm interested in this comment:

However, it is just me who does everything which I have generally let happen because he works more hours and as I said before I chose to take this role

Your partner works longer hours - do you work full time, part time? Are you responsible for all the chores and childcare? Does he do anything around the home? When you say you 'chose to take this role' - what do you mean exactly? What role?

You also say this:

I'm not depressed but I am quite exhausted emotionally and physically. I find it hard work to do everything and get everything done on time etc, don't get me wrong I'm not moaning about it, after all it's my job. It's just working, chores, child care, trying to manage finances takes it's toll sometimes, but I find a way to not let it show because I chose this life so I must get on with it

Exhaustion is a key reason why you may not be interested in sex. Is your husband contributing his time proportionately to chores, childcare, finance management? If this is all 'taking its toll', why must you not let it show?

[Charley50]

There is a couple of things you said that make me sense all is not well in other areas. That you won't be able to meet a friend for lunch for years. Why not? Having small children doesn't mean no social life. And also that you wish he would once in a while cook dinner, bathe DC etc. This implies he isn't pulling his weight in the evenings so you are doing 24/7 work while he does his 9-5 or whatever. This could understandably make you feel a little resentful hence not really being up for sex. Could you discisss these things with your DP?

[confuddledDOTcom]

Is he in love with you or expecting to lust after you? I know my OH loves me to be done up for him but equally he will love me when I do need a shave, no make up on etc. Even when I'm feeling totally unsexy he is telling me he thinks I'm sexy because it's not about how I look, it's about me. I might understand if I hadn't had a bath in a couple of weeks and my hair was manky but not being 100% brushed up all the time shouldn't matter.

[steppemum]

I have been married for nearly 15 years. I was just thinking last night how nice sex is in a good long term relationship.

I am fat and well past forty, never wear make up and not great about shaving my legs, but our sex life is better than it was at about 5 years married. At that point we had toddlers. Our sex life was sparse! But we did enjoy it when we got round to it.

It isn't about how fat you are or about make up, but it is about fancying each other and letting the love form the rest of your relationship spill over into the bed.

The times when I did not feel attracted to dh at all, was when we were struggling with kids, chores, tiredness, resentment over who does what, etc etc.
Sorting out some of those issues, brought us closer again. In fact any point when we got back to good communication made us fancy each other again.

It does also take effort on my part. I have to make the choice to go for it, be an active participant, and then I find I get in the mood and enjoy it.

[livingzuid]

You most certainly shouldn't feel the need to groom or wear nice pants for anyone but you. My dh loves and fancies me whether I'm fresh out the salon or as fuzzy as an ewok. I do it because it's part of my routine of taking care of myself and makes me feel better.

You sound repelled by your partner which he will have picked up on. If he feels the ttc is all that is going on it can make him feel pretty unwanted and useless.

It sounds like you also have very low self esteem, caused I guess by being a young mum, household grind, recovering still your pre pregnancy figure etc.

I'd suggest counselling for you both so you learn to communicate and appreciate each other better. It's all to easy to slide into predictable patterns. And take a break from ttc. Rediscover yourself and each other. There is nothing more exciting than exploring the sensual with your other half.

And focus on you. Do things that make you feel good. I understand what you mean about these well groomed women, but even just blow drying my hair and putting on tinted moisturiser instead of easy slap can perk me up a bit :)

[MostWicked]

I love sex more now than ever before and I have been married 20 years.
The thing that makes the difference to me was becoming much more relaxed and open - throw away the inhibitions. Looking after yourself does matter because you have to feel sexy.
A good sex life takes effort from both sides and good communication.

[confuddledDOTcom]

My OH is muttering about me keep rejecting him at the moment because I told him about this thread. What he means is that he always fancies me, me, not what I look like, and obviously he doesn't get it all the time.

Brushing up to make yourself feel better is one thing but you shouldn't have to do it to get him to fancy you enough.

[Bangonthedoor]

Thanks again ladies

Ok if I'm honest, DP doesn't pull his weight around the house, never even makes me a cup of tea. Never bathes/dresses/feeds DD. Doesn't know how to work the washing machine. I've brought this up with him before but it doesn't get me anywhere and he tells me he does pull his weight by cleaning out the chickens (lol I know) and paying the mortgage. Which is all true. I work 25 hours a week at the moment to increase in June. Please don't think I'm moaning about the chores etc because I'm not and I understand it's the reality of life.

I know he loves me, he is always trying to show me and tells me how attractive I am, but has admitted that he would like it more if I wore pjs less in the evening and tidied myself up down there.

This isn't a teenage relationship that has run it's course as said by another poster. I'm just having difficulty changing my view in the sexual aspect of our relationship.

All the advice you have given me has been really helpful and as I said me and DP are off out tonight for a short while. Just one question, shall I bring things up then or wait to see how we enjoy the time on our own first?

[nooka]

Reading the thread I wondered if it would come down to this. Basically your dh is a lazy fucker. I'm not surprised that you don't want to have sex with him. I doubt that you will until he starts to pull his weight and shows love for you as opposed to treating you live a skivvy. Not surprising that you despise him.

Absolutely nothing to do with how much 'effort' you put in to your looks (not that you'd have the time in any case). I wonder if the great sex was associated with a more equal relationship where you didn't feel you had to put up with all of the shit? Presumably he chose to be a father as much as you chose to be a mum, so why are you doing all the work?

[WhosLookingAfterCourtney]

He needs to pull his weight more around the house and with your dd.

I felt like you did, sex had become another chore.

Be brutally honest with him, like he has with you - he needs to do his fair share of early mornings, night wakings, chores, bedtimes, all of it.

This way you'll be less tired, he'll appreciate just how wearing childcare and housework is. Resentment decreases on both sides.

You say you bathe with your dd? How lovely. But I'd miss that 10 min shower to myself personally- could you do both?

[WhosLookingAfterCourtney]

Oh and if we're talking about fanny shaving - stuff that. Uncomfortable, awkward, itchy.

[Bangonthedoor]

Yes I think if he did do more to help then I would feel more relaxed. Even if he just took the bin out once in a while or offered me a cup of tea. Having said that I'm not sure how easy it will be to take effect as I've never really pushed it before.

On the days that I do work, I get up an hour before DD wakes so I can have a shower in peace, eat some toast and enjoy a cup of tea. I set my alarm for 5am when DD wakes at 6am, DP doesn't need to be woken until 6:15am so in that hour the house is so quiet and lovely. I suppose that is my 'me' time and it's important to me. Then I will bathe again when DD has hers in the evening.

[Branleuse]

i bloody love it usually.
sometimes its pretty good, sometimes its ok


its supposed to be a pretty primal urge.

have you ever enjoyed sex with him or with anyone?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

You should both have equal amounts of leisure time. So if he works 40 hours a week and you work 25 but are doing childcare whilst he is at work, you are working the same amount. Why is his leisure time more important than yours?

[SpanielFace]

Yes, 7 years together and an 18 month old DS, and 11 weeks pregnant with DC2, and I still love it. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, mostly due to tiredness and both of us being caught up in the domestic drudge, and particularly since I've been pregnant again (morning sickness does not help the libido!). Sometimes I have to work harder to get in the mood to begin with, but once we get started it's as good as it ever was. My grooming routine is pretty much zero since having DS although I still get my legs waxed, but none of my posh underwear fits anymore (2 stone heavier since DS ) and we can't afford to buy more right now! But it doesn't seem to matter. If we didn't enjoy sex, I'd seriously wonder about our compatibility. There's more to a marriage than friendship.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

He has never made you a cup of tea.

The sex thing pales into complete insignificance compared to that.

[Keepithidden]

Disgrace - Definitely, I'm in a sexless marriage but if we didn't make each other tea then I would really know the Love had died!

One of the biggest red flags going!

That, and of course.