Do people really enjoy sex with their partners?!

[Bangonthedoor]

Silly thread title I know!

Basically DP and I went to DTD last night but he couldn't erm...get it up properly. I said don't worry we can try again later etc.

He got a bit embarassed and blamed me for not grooming myself, not putting any effort into it and only wanting it when it's baby making time. Ok all of this is true... Is it bad of me??

I felt upset - because it's true. So rolled over and fell asleep.

I don't look after myself anymore because I simply can't be bothered to groom and wear nice undies. I'm always tired and just want to do what needs doing...is this selfish of me?

Yes it's true that I only want to have sex when I'm ovulating because I don't enjoy the sex and his slobbery kisses make me cringe. Also hence why I don't put any effort in as I want it just to be over.

Honest opinions please, but not too harsh

I know this isn't doing DP's self esteem any good but it's not nice for me either and I wish I could change overnight. Because that's what normal people do isn't it, have mad loving sex all the time?!

DP is 29, I'm 25 and we've been together for around 6 and Half years. Have a lovely home and 22 month old DD.

[MissScatterbrain]

He is so lazy that he does not even bother to make you a cup of tea.

Blimey.

No wonder you don't want to shag him.

You are NOT his slave.

I would sort out the inequality of the housework - both of you should have equal amounts of child free leisure time.

[BorisJohnsonsHair]

I would think very carefully before having another DC yet, as you sound like you've enough on your plate already.

Also, I think you do need to speak to your DH about doing more of his share around the house, and generally being more pro-active, as you are setting yourself up for a life of doing everything if you don't get it sorted. You NEED some time to yourself, so maybe allocate an evening each when the other looks after your DD entirely, giving the other one the time they need to do whatever they fancy.

As for the sex thing, I would suggest having a few drinks as this can often help lower inhibitions and make you feel a bit braver about discussing things.

[ThinkIMmad]

Was also going to say but forgot to write know its sometimes hard to feel arsed when you have young kids but how about setting 1 night a week to watch a dvd together or have a take away whatever get a bit dressed up as if your going out and get him to do same. We have a date night most fridays unless i have to work or we are going out dont always get dressed up or anything but sometimes we will if having a nice meal or something

[ThinkIMmad]

Aww i find this really sad for both of you really. You should be able to enjoy sex with the one you love i agree with pp's you sound like you just dont sexually gel and maybe other problems in the mix thats getting in the way. Think you need to take a step back from trying to concieve and try and work out why you both are feeling the way you are. Do you feel the relationship is worth saving?

Personally I cant imagine been in this situation both me and dh are 29 been together 8 years and 4 kids we still enjoy each other intimately whether is intercause, oral, kissing, hugging etc. I guess the day 1 of us stops enjoying it is when id realise something special had gone

I hope you can manage to sort things, i havent had chance to read all replies but from what i have read youve had some good advice x

[Grennie]

If you don't want sex with your partner, don't have it. Sex should be mutually enjoyable. And look at your relationship together. There are obviously other issues here. If you once enjoyed sex with him, you don't move to being disgusted (and your description of his kisses is one of disgust), without a reason.

It is hard to tell over the net, but you sound as if you are angry with him.

[confuddledDOTcom]

I have to admit, aside from the baby, this all reminds me of my first husband. We'd been together since late teens, I thought I was in love with him, we were not not trying, sex was rubbish (which seemed to be me getting the blame), I was doing everything and it was only when I had a bad fall down the stairs and couldn't do much for quite awhile that I realised how little he was doing. I then started making new friends who would take me out (I didn't really have money of my own) and I started to realise that actually things weren't as good as I thought. I asked him probably late September, early October that year to sort things out by New Year, either we went forward together or we split. Around mid-November I reminded him that nothing had happened and two weeks later we split. As much as he told everyone it was all me, when we went back to the house about 9 months later to get my things it was totally vile.

In some ways you have to take love out of the equation, is this situation acceptable? My favourite test is would I accept this situation for my own children and if I wouldn't then I know it's not good enough for me either because my children are watching. Knowing how good my friends made me feel about myself back then made it all the more clear that he made me feel bad about myself and I knew that this was not right at all.

[saintmerryweather]

Its no wonder you dont want sex with him he sounds repulsive with his slobbery kisses and total inability to do a thing round the house

So why is he a great partner?

[Flangeofmingetown]

Wow he is a total throwback.

You are working when you are looking after your child. Think how much you would have to pay someone else to work all the hours you do in addition to your paid job,that is childcare and housework.

When he gets home he should be sharing half of all the work/chores that need to be done. Simple.

Do not have another child until he is doing his fair share.

He is exploiting you and you know it.

[whitesugar]

Bang, I don't doubt that your are doing you fair share, hairy legs or not, but you need to tell him without any doubt that his input inclues putting the bin out, making you a cup of tea and feeding the kids!! As for you believing you are letting the side down in the bedroom let me tell you that seduction involves him helping out with all the stuff listed above. You need to be a lot more assertive. As a starter do not put out if you feel he is taking the piss out of you. You are the mother of his DCs, he should be workin a bit harder to keep you.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I wouldn't want to have sex with an overgrown man-child who made me feel like shit about myself and who was a lazy fuck who couldn't lift a finger around the house.

This is HIS problem far more than it is your problem OP.

No wonder you don't find him attractive.

[ercolercol]

This Although, having said all that if he came home from work this evening and said "I'll cook dinner tonight babe, you take yourself off for a nice bath. I'll sort DD" I think I would faint! But it would be amazing.

You had a baby, you didn't sign up to be his slave. Why are you trying to have dc2? I would leave that and get him doing his fair share around the house etc. Then when the relationship is more equal then have another child.

Nothing is sexy than housework - done by your partner - FACT

[EverythingCounts]

OK, now you've explained his lack of effort with housework and childcare, that definitely needs to be sorted. He ought to be able to see that he can't expect you to do all the stuff that pleases him if you never get that returned, whether that's in the form of sex, cups of tea or whatever.

[Beachcomber]

He doesn't pull his weight in the house or with his child.
He doesn't do simple everyday kind things like making you a cup of tea.
He makes negative comments about your pubic hair.
He thinks contributing more to the mortgage than you makes up for not pulling his weight as a proper grown up adult and parent.

No wonder you don't much want to have sex with him.

TTCing affects how you feel about sex too of course, but I think the turn off here is your partner's selfishness, immaturity and lack of respect for you as a person. Kissing him probably feels as much of a chore as all the other chores you have to do due to him not doing his fair share.

Personal grooming is a total red herring other than it makes him sound like a knob if he expects you to muck about with pubic hair in order to please him. Does he watch porn?

[BertieBotts]

I think relationship counselling might be really helpful for the two of you. It doesn't mean a death knell for a relationship, it just allows you to discuss stuff and look at things in a different way, from a third perspective if you see what I mean.

I think this is fairly common in relationships when you get together young and by this I don't mean it's run its course or you've grown apart, just that neither of you have had a chance to have much relationship experience other than each other and I think it can be harder to actually know what's "normal" and have the confidence to talk to your partner about what you actually want. Plus I think that the idea of splitting up feels so alien because you've always been together, and the longer the relationship goes on the more this is the case. I'm NOT saying I think you should split up, it's just that in relationships which start when you're both older, you've already had a few break ups and it's not such a scary horrible thought which means that you're less likely to just accept stuff, you bring it up knowing that you may risk bringing issues to the surface which could break up the relationship but that is an acceptable risk because if those issues exist then you're better off out of it anyway. I think when you're in a relationship from very young it's more tempting to hide those little bubbles and blips because the thought of splitting up is so unthinkable and hence they don't ever get the chance to come to the surface but sit there simmering resentment until it boils over. It would probably be a relief to be able to get those out, get over the "Oh god what if we are incompatible really?!", realise you both have the same fear (but the same longing to hold onto the relationship anyway) and then just face it and figure out if you are - if you've only been holding onto fairly minor things then it probably isn't an issue at all! And you've got the shared history and everything to bring you back together.

I think that the very very worst thing you could do is ignore this, or to try and change your nature in order to fit in with what you hope will fix him, or fix the relationship. It's absolutely imperative that you are able to be honest and open, or you're kidding yourselves.

[Apocalypto]

I wouldn't care if I never had sex with anyone else ever again.

This is probably not unrelated to having two children, large financial commitments and a more considered view of my DP than the initial one of 12 years ago.

However, I'd be aghast to be in your situation at your age. You should be at it like toads in a pond, although when I was 25 there was no way I'd have been interested in anyone I was interested in at 18.

I don't really know what to say to you except 'fix it somehow' - because it's going to get worse before it gets better and if you rediscover your mojo at 35 he'll be well on the way biologically to losing his.

[confuddledDOTcom]

You might find the Five Love Languages website useful. It's by a Christian counselor but it's pretty universal. knowing what is important to each other can make a difference.

[steppemum]

I think wrt this evening i would enjoy each others company.

But at the same time, put in a plan to have a talk. It may come up tonight, it may not, I wouldn't push it.

There is an old saying, it is obviously a stereotype, but it is certainly true for us:

When women feel the intimacy is good, then they want sex.
When men have sex they feel the intimacy is good.

Lots of talking about how you feel, how being supported is when he meets you half way, offers you stuff like a cup of tea, takes responsibility for dd sometimes, clears away dinner plates occasionally etc etc. Use 'I' language, so not
You are so lazy you never help. but
When you don't help, I don't feel supported.

It does sound as if a lot of the issues you have are to do with communication and so on.

[Joysmum]

The think appearance is immaterial tbh, as long as we are both clean.

When we have sex, we do it for love. We don't do because I've shaved my legs or he's trimmed his pubes!

We enjoy the closeness as an expression of love and we've trained each other as to what we both like and dislike so that sex is also lustfull too because it feels good.

If it feels good it doesn't matter what you look like. Let's face it, I'm sure most of us ladies aren't the best looking women in the world and aren't in a relationship with the best looking man we know. Therefore looks and grooming really are immaterial.

[Keepithidden]

Disgrace - Definitely, I'm in a sexless marriage but if we didn't make each other tea then I would really know the Love had died!

One of the biggest red flags going!

That, and of course.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

He has never made you a cup of tea.

The sex thing pales into complete insignificance compared to that.

[SpanielFace]

Yes, 7 years together and an 18 month old DS, and 11 weeks pregnant with DC2, and I still love it. It doesn't happen as much as it used to, mostly due to tiredness and both of us being caught up in the domestic drudge, and particularly since I've been pregnant again (morning sickness does not help the libido!). Sometimes I have to work harder to get in the mood to begin with, but once we get started it's as good as it ever was. My grooming routine is pretty much zero since having DS although I still get my legs waxed, but none of my posh underwear fits anymore (2 stone heavier since DS ) and we can't afford to buy more right now! But it doesn't seem to matter. If we didn't enjoy sex, I'd seriously wonder about our compatibility. There's more to a marriage than friendship.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

You should both have equal amounts of leisure time. So if he works 40 hours a week and you work 25 but are doing childcare whilst he is at work, you are working the same amount. Why is his leisure time more important than yours?

[Branleuse]

i bloody love it usually.
sometimes its pretty good, sometimes its ok


its supposed to be a pretty primal urge.

have you ever enjoyed sex with him or with anyone?