Do people really enjoy sex with their partners?!

[Bangonthedoor]

Silly thread title I know!

Basically DP and I went to DTD last night but he couldn't erm...get it up properly. I said don't worry we can try again later etc.

He got a bit embarassed and blamed me for not grooming myself, not putting any effort into it and only wanting it when it's baby making time. Ok all of this is true... Is it bad of me??

I felt upset - because it's true. So rolled over and fell asleep.

I don't look after myself anymore because I simply can't be bothered to groom and wear nice undies. I'm always tired and just want to do what needs doing...is this selfish of me?

Yes it's true that I only want to have sex when I'm ovulating because I don't enjoy the sex and his slobbery kisses make me cringe. Also hence why I don't put any effort in as I want it just to be over.

Honest opinions please, but not too harsh

I know this isn't doing DP's self esteem any good but it's not nice for me either and I wish I could change overnight. Because that's what normal people do isn't it, have mad loving sex all the time?!

DP is 29, I'm 25 and we've been together for around 6 and Half years. Have a lovely home and 22 month old DD.

[laregina]

Yes I do still enjoy it after 15 years - mainly because I still fancy him and we still have a 'spark'.

I think you should take comfort from this - we really do love each other, we make each other laugh, I get his extreme weirdness and he gets mine but also realise that the sex issue is something you both make a bit more effort for. You say you did used to enjoy sex with him so it's not about incompatibility.

Sounds to me like you've got into a bit of a rut, which is understandable after being together a few years and having a baby. But if the love is still there (and it sounds like it still is) you should be able to get things back on track with a bit of effort (from you both, that is)...

[Bangonthedoor]

Thank you laragina

[BumpyGrindy]

Those people who say "Leave" are being ridiculous. ALL relationships go through periods like this. Lack of connection on a "spiritual" level will make ANY couple's sex life go off the boil.

OP you need to reconnect...you need to stop having sex only for procreation because it's not fair on you or him! Of course he can't get it up...he knows you're not enjoying it...I'd be worried if he was happy to bang away regardless!

You should try to groom yourself and also make plans for regular sessions of touching only...no penetration...stick to massage, stroking and if his kisses aren't nice, help him learn how to kiss in a way you like.

[BumpyGrindy]

If you hate your body then that doesn't help. My DH makes a huge effort to ensure that I feel attractive even though I know I'm a bit out of shape...he likes my curvy bits and tells me so...we flirt in the day and that makes us look forward to bedtime.

You should definitely try to raise your self esteem...if that means getting fitter then do it.

[LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob]

First off, it's not compulsory that a woman has to shave or wear make up to be attractive. I think your partner felt embarrassed and lashed out.

[Bangonthedoor]

Thank you bumpygrindy that's a nice outlook.

I'm sure he'll mention something later, so I'll mention a few things too. I can't help but feel like I should apologise for my lack of effort in all areas including the grooming. I may have to book myself a bath later!

[Locketjuice]

Yeah that's really not nice for him... I think you should make an effort for your partner.. I'm not saying everynight put on your ann summers gear and dance around like a twat but a nice bra and undies wouldn't go amiss every now and then, I think you are being selfish and putting yourself/baby making way ahead of your dps feelings.

To be honest I wouldn't bother having sex at all with my dp if he lost all interest in 'me' and just wanted me pregnant, when sex becomes a chore I will know something is really up and either ensure we both make an effort meaning we will enjoy it again or would seriously reconsider or relationship

[Bangonthedoor]

chunderella I'm not depressed but I am quite exhausted emotionally and physically. I find it hard work to do everything and get everything done on time etc, don't get me wrong I'm not moaning about it, after all it's my job. It's just working, chores, child care, trying to manage finances takes it's toll sometimes, but I find a way to not let it show because I chose this life so I must get on with it.

I think some more time to be me would be helpful. I've had to book Wednesday evening out as I want to go to home sense to spend my birthday voucher. Would rather not go in the day with DD so I can focus lol. It's so ridiculous how much in looking forward to that. I think a lunch date with a friend would tip me over the edge!

But again the way I see it is that I did choose this path so I need to accept that the lunch dates will have to wait a few years.

[meditrina]

TTC sex, if you've been trying without result for some time, isn't quite like ordinary sex IYSWIM because it does become stressy.

OP: do you hang out in the 'conception' forum? There may be posters there who have been through similar.

[Bangonthedoor]

Thanks for taking the not harsh approach locketjuice

[Ploppy16]

Do you actually get the time to relax and "make an effort"? Does your DH make sure you have time to do your stuff in the bath if you want? It sounds quite odd to me that he's blaming everything on you. What does HE do to make you feel wanted as the woman he loves?
I ask because I have to say that although we don't always get that much time together and sex isn't always that high on the agenda it's usually bloody good when it happens, whether we're both beautifully groomed or hairy enough to Velcro ourselves together! and dressing up for the occasion usually ends up in hysterical laughter

[Bangonthedoor]

Thank you ploppy16

I really don't want to put any of the blame on to him as I know this is my thing/issue. However, it is just me who does everything which I have generally let happen because he works more hours and as I said before I chose to take this role. Although, having said all that if he came home from work this evening and said "I'll cook dinner tonight babe, you take yourself off for a nice bath. I'll sort DD" I think I would faint! But it would be amazing.

But as I said none of this is him, he's carried on like normal it's me that's changed.

[Keepithidden]

No, no I don't.

But then, you sound similar to DW, and I don't think she enjoys it either.

I'm pretty sure there will come a time when I can no longer get aroused by DW, but I think it unlikley she'll experience that. We only really do DTD on special occasions and it feels too much like abuse to me (me being the abuser) so it's not going to happen again.

Once again it's the whole post DC rut, extending into lack of communication and resentment I think.

Probably best to speak to your partner OP, lay your cards on the table and tell him what you want, and ask him what he wants. Then take it from there. The worst you can do is carry on as you are I suppose?

[BumpyGrindy]

Well you;'d better tell him he needs to help....then you can take some time out for yourself.

[whatsthatcomingoverthehill]

There is nothing less sexy than being expected to perform on cue when trying to conceive. I speak from 18 months of bitter experience, which completely killed our sex life. (We did have a DC at the end though, which I certainly don't regret).

[iclaudius]

How often do you bathe?
I do think sex is very important for long term relationships

[Andy1964]

Oh dear OP. It seems as if the two of you have gotten into a bit of a rut.
Being parents to a little un is far more important to us than looking good for our partners but sometimes you owe it to yourself to (in my case being a guy) have a decent grooming session and wear something you think you look good in, it makes you feel so much better about yourself and i know the same is true of my wife.
But you are parents to someone who is very reliant on you and finding the time and energy to do just that is hard, i get it, it's normal.
Maybe now things have come to a head it's time to sit down and have a chat about making more time for yourselves, as a couple.
Can you get a baby sitter once a month or arrange a date night at home once a month?
When you manage to make this time as a couple then both of you should make the effort to look good for each other. Your body may not be what it was when you were 18 but neither is his. Looking good for each other is relative.
When you have taken the time and effort to look good, seek out compliments, compliment your partner. There is nothing like being told how good you look by someone, it only serves to make you feel better.

It's time to make the effort for each other, you know what you have to do and it WILL make you feel better, I promise.

[GoldfishCrackers]

I would focus a but more on why you seem to be disgusted by him. Your own grooming seems to be a bit of a red herring, and something he threw at you to hurt you to deflect from his own embarrassment.

You seem to have very, very little time to yourself. And resigned to a life that you don't particularly enjoy because 'you chose it'. How much free time do you have each. Time on your own to do the things that make you feel like you?

[DietCokeMultipackCan]

I'm usually pretty well groomed but can say hand in heart that if I haven't shaved my legs / am wearing grotty knickers it bothers me more than it does my DH. He couldn't care less what I am wearing nor I him. The only point I could see it being a problem would be if personal hygiene wasn't up to standard or one of us had put on a lot of weight. I think he is just throwing that out there to hurt you as he can tell that you aren't interested. The fact that his kisses make you crime makes me feel sad for you. I have has sec like that and it is grim. You need to find some way to get the spark back, which I know is difficult with children in the picture.

[DietCokeMultipackCan]

*cringe

[DietCokeMultipackCan]

*sex

[Twinklestein]

If the OP focuses more on grooming she will still be left with the problem that she doesn't enjoy sex with her husband, his 'slobbery kisses' and wants 'it just to be over' euuuch.

While I would always encourage a woman to spend time on her appearance if it makes her feel good, that is not actually going to solve the problem.

OP I think you need to focus on why you don't find your husband physically attractive any more and if this is likely to find any resolution. Is it exhaustion? Is there anything about his character or behaviour that puts you off? I would hold off for trying for another child before this aspect of the relationship is sorted out.

[bebows]

You are 25!? I thought you were at least 50 by your post

jeez poor sod married to someone with that attitude to intimacy