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Relationships

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Original poster

What is a high sex drive?

22 replies

muchtooshy · 16/03/2014 08:43

Every week, every day, more?

How does it work if you are with someone who says they have a high drive but you don't see them all the time?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2014 09:03

What are you really asking here? You don't see him/her all the time, they say they have a high sex drive so you think they're probably getting it elsewhere? Masturbating frequently?

Original poster

muchtooshy · 16/03/2014 09:09

He jokingly said he had a high sex drive but I wasn't sure how that is defined. I don't have much relationship experience tbh and as it was a throwaway comment I didn't think to ask him at the time.

We see each other between 1 and 3 times a week depending on shift patterns.

I don't think he is getting it elsewhere and the masturbating thing doesn't bother me. Just mismatched drives seem to cause problems in relationships.

OP posts:

pumpkinsweetie · 16/03/2014 09:10

A high one could be high to one person and not the next.

It's all about compatibility in most cases and sometimes compromise. Every day or every 2 days was normal for me and dh, anything less than that wasn't adequate for dh when I went off it for a good year but now the tables have turned and I want sex atleast twice a day, which dh was loving until recently. I would say I now have a higher sex drive than him, I guess mastrubation will do me

I wouldn't stray as I love him and deep down I know I am somewhat of a raging nympho

pumpkinsweetie · 16/03/2014 09:12

As for problems we do have a few at times, but nothing major

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2014 09:13

There's no definition of high. In the absence of anything more sinister what he's saying is 'I like sex a lot'. Do you feel you're mismatched at the moment? Do you feel pressured into having more sex than you're comfortable with? What happens if you say 'not tonight dear'.... nice response or huffing and puffing? That's the kind of thing you should be alert to.

Offred · 16/03/2014 09:14

Well there's higher than average and there's higher than yours.

If he's saying his is higher than yours is he trying to express dissatisfaction with the frequency of sex?

Offred · 16/03/2014 09:16

I mean I'm clutching at a problem straw there because tbh most people don't say that pointedly and it's often just a kind of show offy throw away comment isn't it... Not really much sense in over analysing if so...

Are you happy with your sex life?

Original poster

muchtooshy · 16/03/2014 09:25

We haven't been seeing each other that long and it doesn't seem mismatched at the moment. Haven't actually turned him down yet although he has suggested a couple of things I haven't liked the idea of and he didn't have an issue with it at all.

I am not good at talking about things like this and it just was never mentioned at home when growing up. Next week I am supposed to be staying over again but will be on my period so I guess that will be the test.

OP posts:

Offred · 16/03/2014 09:29

Maybe.

It's always good to get better at talking about sex whatever happens I'd say but it could well be a molehill that you're worrying is a mountain tbh.

If you're happy with the sex that's the most important thing really, if he isn't you'd hope you'd be able to chat about it.

Original poster

muchtooshy · 16/03/2014 16:31

I wish I found it easier to talk about this stuff.

He probably would be fine about everything but he prob has no idea what I am thinking and I find it kinda awkward to bring it up.

OP posts:

MostWicked · 16/03/2014 16:34

High is a relative term. He probably means that he feels horny most days and would like to have sex at every opportunity.
If it's not causing a problem, I wouldn't read too much into it, he's just letting you know that he likes sex!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2014 16:40

It's a genuine question but, if you can't talk about sex, how on earth do you have a satisfying sexual relationship? How do you communicate with a partner what you like and don't like?

Original poster

muchtooshy · 16/03/2014 16:52

He says he is attracted to me and he is tactile.

It is kinda a good thing that he isn't awkward about it like I am as he is a lot more experienced. I haven't really been in a serious relationship before. I need to learn to communicate about all this stuff though but I don't know how to start the conversation.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2014 17:02

Park the awkwardness and say it straight. 'I like/don't like... ... what about you?' It's not the type of conversation you have over tea and biscuits in the cold light of day, it's more in the moment and responding to your own and each other's emotions. And don't set too much store by experience. I've met a few totally inept 'experienced' blokes in my time and I'll take quality over quantity any day.

BertieBotts · 16/03/2014 17:09

This is totally me projecting. However. Every single guy I have ever met who said he had a "high sex drive" has proceeded to be a total cock about said sex drive and whined about needing it serviced all the time, almost as a source of weird pride. And/or they are obsessed with sex to the exclusion of most other things, which is just boring. I like sex, but I also have other interests!

IME people with healthy attitudes to sex don't feel the need to state what their sex drive is because it tends to wax and wane depending on their feelings for the person in question, hormones, tiredness, stress, illness, general feeling of wellbeing, circumstance etc.

However it could just be that I have a "low" sex drive (always used to think this at least in comparison to the "high sex drive" blokes, but could be their warped opinion of course) and hence it's more of a compatability issue than an actual red flag/dickhead issue.

positively9something · 16/03/2014 17:09

I would say I have a high sex drive as I want it a lot and think about it a lot. I have just started seeing a new guy and only see him once a week, we have sex for hours at a time but I still want more. It doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with anyone else.

It sounds like because you feel inexperienced you don't want to talk a out sex too much which is fine, just take small steps and don't worry about it, if you are both enjoying the sex you have now that's all that matters. Also I am very as I want to be getting some action 3 times per week

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/03/2014 17:11

"Every single guy I have ever met who said he had a "high sex drive" has proceeded to be a total cock "

Amen to that! LOL!

DoctorTwo · 16/03/2014 17:14

BertieBotts is right ime.

Offred · 16/03/2014 17:35

Tis not having a high sex drive or saying you have one that makes you a cock IME but telling someone you have a high sex drive in order to bully the person into having more sex.

Key is matching sex drives really. Bf and I match and that helps the relationship happy. Been in mismatched relationships before and that was a source of stress.

Joysmum · 16/03/2014 17:38

Offred is spot on. I think it's more about having mismatched sex drives and the partner's response and reactions to that.

jayho · 16/03/2014 18:24

Agree with Off and Bertie, mismatched is a better way of looking at it.

Also, to my mind, sex is not a 'thing' per se that you want in a certain quantity, desire is driven by your partner, circumstances, environment. One person stating that they have a level of drive that 'must' be met for them to be happy is unhelpful at best an co-ersive at worst.

kentishgirl · 16/03/2014 19:22

OH has a high sex drive and he'd happily have sex every day, maybe more! He also told me he has a high sex drive very early on - as a lead into a conversation about it where he stated it, then said he didn't want us to have sex unless we were both into it, and just to tell him to sod off if I wasn't in the mood.

It isn't a problem having a mismatch, within reason. Sometimes he'll do a bit of DIY, or I'll give him a hand, lol, sometimes we just cuddle up and go to sleep trying to ignore a stiffy in the middle of us. These are grown men. They aren't teenagers trying to figure out how to control their hormones and urges. I'm not up for every night, but a few times a week, and that keeps us both happy. I can only see it being a problem for you if there is a big mismatch - you only want it once a week or once a month or something would be quite frustrating for him. Or if he has no manners, and is pushy. Or if you for some reason feel guilty/insecure about saying no, thanks.

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