What is a normal relationship supposed to be like?

[FeckingFuming]

I've been in a relationship just over a year. Everything happened very quickly, one day I was single, the next he was staying over and here most of the time. Unusual for me as I don't rush into anything. On a good day, we're like best friends. We can talk for hours, we like the same music, we know the same people, same sense of humour, we like the same things, know what the other one is thinking. We are very similar people. It should be perfect, I can't say I've ever met anyone I clicked with so well. I've been Ill a lot the last year and he's been great in looking after me.

But it's far from perfect, we argue a lot. He's like Jekyll and Hyde. He's very intense, will tell me how much he loves me over and over then the next minute he's screaming in my face over something daft. The goalposts are always moving, I think I've gotten used to the things that aggravate him and avoid doing them (we all have our silly gripes, for me it's anyone leaving wrappers about for example) but then the next day it'll be something different.

I feel used and unappreciated. I make his sandwiches for work, I clean the house all day every day, two kids a dog and four cats make a lot of mess! He comes in, his tea is cooked then all night I'm up and down making him cups of tea, fetching him drinks, running his bath. Ok it's not difficult but it means I never get time to relax properly. He works long hours I appreciate that but I spend all day on my own scrubbing the bloody house and he comes in, eats tea then falls asleep. He doesn't earn much money, when he gets paid every month it's all gone on bills for his own house. I have to budget for us for food and I don't have much money as I was made redundant then I had health issues that have made it difficult to find work.

I just can't see a future for us. He talks about getting married but I know that's never going to happen, he can't afford a ring let alone a wedding. I'm blamed for everything, I'm lazy, I'm a useless partner....when I bring up the fact I've had payday loans to keep us and he hasn't contributed a penny he'll go on about how he'll drive me anywhere I need to go (I can't drive) and how he looks after me when me health is playing up (he does).

I'm asking honestly because I've never had a relationship like this. I've only ever lived with one person and then I was a lone parent for 15 years. Are these normal gripes that couples work at, or is something very wrong?

Oh I've talked to him, like banging my head against a brick wall.

then it has to be over feckingfuming. it really does.

ask for your key because you have someone coming to do some work tomorrow and need to be able to leave them a key or some such story and then just keep it - hide it somewhere and say you've lost it if you're not ready to go through with the rest of the plan.

then tell him you want a few days on your own with the girls. during that time get in touch and tell him it's over.

This is not normal or healthy!

Please please get rid of this man, for your own sake and for the sake of your children.

Stop buying the things that he uses up. Don't buy bubble bath. Only buy enough food for yourselves. Then tell him you can't afford to buy any more.
What happens when you ask for your key back? If he gets nasty go to the police.

"The goalposts are always moving.."
This is something my stbxh did almost daily and I was constantly second guessing myself, doing a thing then wondering if he was going to kick off about it. That could include anything from how I packed the freezer to what I bought at the supermarket or even just having a quick tidy up while he was out and moving something of his. On that last point I sctually used to tidy round and leave his stuff exactly where it was for fear of verbal abuse, then he'd come in and shout because I'd tidied round but not put his stuff away . I could never get it right.
He had me constantly doubting myself, constantly on my toes. It was gradual, over the six years we were together and gradually got worse until he was destructive and aggressive. My advice OP is the same as everyone else' - get him out of your house and away from you and your DC.

"Oh I've talked to him, like banging my head against a brick wall".

That's no surprise really is it; he likes living like a king and you have facilitated that till now. He does not want that arrangement to change!.

You on some level knew this was wrong and that is why you originally posted.

All this bloke is doing is dragging you and by turn your children down with him. The effects of him on both you and your children are widespread and damaging.

Get him out of your home and life asap; this person is really nothing but a parasite. You have had a year of him already, now imagine the next 3-5 of the very same. Its not what you envisaged or want for yourself is it?.

bakingaddict Sat 15-Mar-14 09:01:18
"A normal relationship is one where both parties emotional needs are met roughly most of the time, you are supported and can dependent on each other."

This.

A normal relationship is one where you never have to even think the thought of your partner raising his hand to you, where you are never ever afraid of his reactions, where you know he will be as supportive of you as you are of him, where you trust him to want to contribute as much as you do both in work and in money because he loves you. This is not the one, is it?

"I've got no one fify. But it's ok, he's never raised a hand to me so ill just keep the key in the door."

Re the key in the door - if it's a yale type key then make sure you lock it so the round part is horizontal. If you turn the key so it's vertical it can be pushed out by someone inserting a key from the other side. A minor point but useful to know!

If you're faltering, remind yourself that the bubble bath, the food, the extra heating... is all taking things away from your children.

Could you plan a treat for them once he's gone? I don't mean a week at Disneyland, maybe a new DVD & a pizza? Fish & chips at the seaside?

Not in the least bit normal it sounds horrible. Please stop letting him in your house. You don't have to. He has his own house. Just pack anything of his and leave it at the door and tell him not to come back.

Sounds like an abusive relationship to me.

Please come back and update OP, I know lots of people are 'telling' you what to do here and your decision might be very different to that but we all want to know you are okay either way.

I would definitely ask for a few days, even say you are going away if necessary and say you need the spare key for something important.

OP what did you actually say to him?

Do you mean you have told him the relationship is over and he is refusing to accept it? Anything less than this he is bound to just steamroller over and ignore I would suspect.

Tell him the relationship is over and that his stuff will be outside for him to collect at an agreed time. You don't owe him loads of explanations or a huge post mortem. He has been treating you like shit for long enough now. Time to put yourself and DC first isn't it?

The OP is not commiting fraud. People on benefits are allowed to have people, including romantic non-resident partners stay overnight at their house. Because they're not criminals with restrictions on their movements and lifestyle, ffs.

BUT, you shouldn't be having this man over, OP, because he is an abusive twat. Why on earth are you making endless drinks for him, buying new bars of soap because he won't use the small endbits of soap? You get to say no, and do as you please in your own home, not pander to some arsehole.

Everything about him is classic abuser stuff, right down to the start of your relationship. Did you know that the classic abuser sweeps a woman off her feet, and creates a feeling of an incredible bond, very intense similarities, etc., and he moves things along very fast? That was actually your first red flag. Women entangled with these men always say that they've never felt so close to anyone before.

Your children will be observing your relationship and getting some very damaging ideas about relationships and about men and women. You need to end it for them, as much as for yourself.

Fuming - this doesn't sound healthy. It's scary. Nice on the surface and an arse behind closed doors. Manipulative behaviour, taking you for granted...

Imagine if a friend told you this about their relationship - what would you say?

Regarding the benefits thing, one of my friends nearly fell foul of the authorities recently. Her ex-DP used to stay over weekends, and sometimes in the week. One of her neighbours alerted the benefits office to say that she was claiming benefits on the premise of being single, but in fact had a partner living there. As it was, he was there within the 'allowed' remit of days someone can stay over without being considered a live-in partner. If he'd stayed one more night, her benefits would have been stopped.

Look, OP doesn't need a plan or a strategy or anything weird or wonderful. All she needs to is to end this relationship. They don't own property, have kids or joint responsibilities. They don't even live together.

So what you do OP is tell him that you want out of the relationship, and try not to be too 'explainy' about it. Never mind the bubble bath, never mind who made who a cup of tea. You just don't feel right or happy in the relationship any more and so you're ending it.

He will almost certainly be upset when he sees that you mean it, and make lavish promises to change etc. Please see these for what they are. Promise yourself that if after a decent 'cold turkey' period, you truly do want to stay involved with him, you can take it from there. But only after real, genuine time apart.

He'll argue against every reason you give for breaking up, so give him reasons he can't argue with. You don't feel happy. He can't argue with that.

OP hope you find the courage to kick this man out . Sorry if the thread didn't go in the direction you'd have preferred.

He's very intense, will tell me how much he loves me over and over then the next minute he's screaming in my face

I only got this far in your OP.

End this relationship.

I have ended it, the texts are coming now giving me abuse, I'm a liar (how?, what am I lying about?) this is what I get.

Well done
Keep strong. Anyone balanced and kind wouldn't respond like this. It kind of reinforces what you were afraid of. Anything you say that he doesn't like, he turns it back and tries to make out it's you at fault.

Don't take anything he says too seriously. Remember that's his view- it's not how things are!

True colours are shining through. Turn your phone off and digest everything.. he'll do everything he can to make you engage.. don't fall for it.

Good luck.

fecking no matter how much he goads you, do not reply to his texts at this stage.

If they continue or escalate, send him one short text saying that if you hear one more abusive word from him you will hand over all your evidence to the police.

Would be better if you could totally block him though, or change your number. I know it is inconvenient but think what a relief it would be. If he turns up at your house and causes trouble do not answer the door and call the police.

I really hope he calms down and leaves you alone but I wouldn't bank on it. Make sure you are getting some support in RL.

Well done ff, stay strong. The best advice I can give you is the advice I was given re abusive texts..ignore..do not respond..do not engage. Easier said than done when you're frazzled and you just want to give them a piece of your mind. But you spent your relationship having to defend yourself, you don't have to do that anymore. It's worth it, I promise x

I am angry, very. Apparently I've got someone else...after one day? I'm on my own hurting. I think I need to block the idiot if I can work my phone, not very good with technology.

Well done on getting rid of him. I got rid of my own ex about two weeks ago. He didn't expect me to run his bath for him, but a lot of the stuff you describe him saying was what my ex said to me. We were also together for about a year. I was really sad the last few months we were together and I suddenly realised about four weeks ago that I was so unhappy. It had crept over me gradually and I hadn't noticed. I was actually sadder before we broke up. I have the odd wobble now, but I feel a lot better. I suddenly have a lot more energy and am interested in what is going on around me.